Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[nimkekaa]

Someone once asked me how it felt to be able to help someone. I said great. Then they asked me why I want to deny someone else the same feeling that I receive when helping others.

I was speechless at first. But really if it feels so good to help others and you (as in anyone on this site) need a little help then let someone else be there for you if they want to. I don`t see anybody twisting anybody else`s arm on this site to make them be there for anyone else.

Just a thought. Thinking about you Junebug. Big Hugs

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Junebug))) thinking about you today and sending you healing energy hugs.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Sweet Ones, how kind you are. Thank you, Abstract, MO, Nimkekaa, gizmo, everyone who's helped me.

Abstract, you are not a flake! In fact, I think you are so kind, and correct also. Just as Bloom said, I guess it is a wall. Made of many many bricks. :( I asked myself, what's the worst thing that could happen to try to accept that (deserving or not), I am (somewhat) 'loveable', or even 'tolerable', as it were? I don't know the answer. :( Seems like something 'bad' but I don't know what, or exactly 'why'. Except for (some) past voices. And yes, that Pete Walker's stuff (from a link on another thread), I couldn't read it all but he seems to really 'get it'. Or, I certainly relate. I don't know if the 'outer critic' is the same as the inner one. I can identify 'real' ones, as it were.

But that is so kind, because this is the worst I get. This is for the most part the worst 'me'.

Yes, I am desperate to get out. Found out the Team Manager (Office Head/ Program Supervisor), who was actually decent, has also resigned, job posted monday.

Was speaking with my sister, she says she doesn't care if I kill myself or not. Her words were, she doesn't care less if we are financially connected. Let me be clear, I wasn't saying I would be, by any means, she actually said, and introduced it, "Well, go kill yourself. I don't care about threats anymore". However, we've only talked about S maybe 5 times in a lifetime- maybe twice in the last 6 years, one of those times I asked for help (went terribly badly). She is basically pro-Euthenasia/ pro-S, considers it as a "right to choose". I said to her it's not about threats to do it, it's about finding a way to struggle through it (this) and find ways not to do it. Yikes. However, I have been able to talk about it to a different person (about a year+ ago). So I am fortunate.

Hopefully something will open up, or something that will change/ help.

((((((Sweet All))))). Thank you so much, xoxox.

 

[nimkekaa]

What a horrible thing for your sister to say to you. I'm so sorry that she is so insensitive to your pain.

We are all here to listen to you. Big Hugs

 

[Srain]

((((((((((((((((Junebug))))))))))))))))))))

It's good to know that you are NOT your sister and you can separate yourself from her. I'm glad you know this now. We don't deserve to be talked to like that.

Peace and healing thoughts your way, always!
Rain

 

[Springer80]

I said to her it's not about threats to do it, it's about finding a way to struggle through it (this) and find ways not to do it. Yikes. However, I have been able to talk about it to a different person (about a year+ ago). So I am fortunate.

Hi JB,

I've tried to have these conversations before, about suicide! :eek: I have gotten very different reactions and always unhelpful ones. Don't get me wrong, I don't bring it up as dinner conversation or drop it into small talk on the bus :meh: :clown: .

I'm a bit tired of peoples preconceptions about it. No one will have a practical conversation about it.
I've had suicide ideation for about half my life (16yrs). Its upsetting, annoying and it wastes time because I know I'm not going to do it. I don't have the nuts and my body won't let me, my struggle is for peace and warmth and comfort. Doing horrible things to myself is fundamentally opposed to the ingrained striving away from trauma.

However, that doesn't stop me thinking about it as this condition throws my existence around. What is wrong with people and the word SUICIDE. SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE. It's just a word. And if a persons feeling desperate they need to talk about it.

I don't like myself when I think about it. I feel like a quitter, a moaner. I don't like myself because I know I don't want to really and I know I won't actually. So I don't like myself for wasting my time and I don't like myself for not having an answer. How I feel about my real self and my capabaility without ptsd and how my life is because of it are in constant disparity. Its like being trapped in an and/or gate.

When I've tried to talk about it to my Mum she freaked out and wouldn't hear the word, never mind my feelings and my best friends opinion on the issue is that it's selfish. But how do you explain to someone you need to talk about it even though you know its ideation.

It's like you say JB, you want to talk about it because you want to alleviate it, because the situation is unmanageable on your own. If anything its the problem that family and friends should rush to talk about with you more than any.

(((((((((BIG HUGS JB)))))))))))......Rest Yourself as much as you can and I'm sorry your sister doesn't understand. Please don't take her defensiveness as an accurate response. If you want to talk about it anytime, you can on here. Obviously nobody would want you to do it. I think that goes without saying. But if you wanted to get some of the feelings off your chest, especially if it would make you feel better, than I'm sure everyone can relate to having those thoughts too. They are just thoughts after all and even though they're hurtful it isn't selfish to need help with them. :hug: XXXXXXXX



Much Love.....

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you N, Rain, Sp80.

I totally understand it's my responsibility to get help, or address my own issues. And I hate the connotation too, and especially how gross or creepy it is. But I guess it's somewhat (all) combined with feeling sick, etc. And fear, or terror, +/or exhaustion. It doesn't feel the same when you're in it, I guess because I feel about as emotional (as regards my own life not being there), as if a cheese cracker fell on the floor. I need to overcome that, I guess. I guess it's ambivalent. Similarly, I've heard much worse, that I am a waste of space and should be dead. I guess it sunk in. Which however also amazes me that people here could care. Like everyone, and what p-no and Bloom said. I am very lucky (and thankful :inlove:).

I am so glad Springer- that's very good and healthy to just have 'thoughts' (only). My problem is, after doing it so many years ago, my mind has had 3 decades I guess to 'plan'. But, I only came closest before this past year, threw out all photos and paperwork, letters etc etc. Oddly enough, in my mind it was under the guise of 'de-cluttering', in my heart I knew the truth though.

I am still thankful for work, know that there are many out there having to work all shifts, look for work, work away, whatever- make many sacrifices. Hopefully something will work out.

(((((((Hugs and love to all)))))), I'm amazed at how people can care so much for just a stranger, you are all really incredible people, xox. :)

 

[p-no]

I've heard similar things you had to endure listen to.

One time I walked into a possible t's office and, owing to accute desperateness, said that suicide was a way after all. That it was open for discussion if a good one. I admit now, I wanted to hear that suicide was no way. He said: "I guess you'll have to find out if suicide is a way for you." Smiled broadly, as if he believed he had just given me great advice. Needless to say: I ran for the hills. It took me years to even pass by the building he was in. He had a big sign on the door with his name and all, according to that he was there many, many years.

My mother said to me, among others: "It's your own fault you were born!" (No, as in zero, wrapping your head around this one, eh.) And: "I always wanted a boy who looked like your father and what did I get?" Not to mention all those incredibly nice (big-time sarcasm!) "names" likes a****le and more.

And here we are, dearest Junebug, and care for each other. In some miraculous way we have learned what love for the "weak" is. So, lots and lots and lots of :inlove:, dear Junebug. You have a place in this world, just like me and all of us. I am glad and grateful that you're here.

(((((((Junebug))))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh p-no, I am glad and grateful for you also, and that you are here! But I am so sorry you too have gone through all that too (and then some). :( :cry:

Ya, wow- can't wrap my mind around those comments either, wow. You'd think the ridiculousness of such comments shoukd be an indicator to us of just how bizarre the comments are, but no, we take them to heart. I know the other person *can be* sick, but why do people try to cut to the heart I'll never know.

I have heard many, that have left me with no confidence, reduced self-worth, doubting my own existence and the trouble or burden it causes others on a daily basis. Then you get blamed for what's wrong with you, why do you not have confidence(!) :(

Oh wow, I think too there was something 'wrong' or inherently ~evil with that T's comment, to a stranger yet. Had it been me probably I would have walked into traffic. I understand how people say S is selfish, but I'm guessing for the most part it's people who haven't felt that/ gone through it. Because for one thing, I know I can't make headway with my thinking (then). And without exception it seems a better choice for not just 'me' but even more so anyone around me. Once I couldn't even remember any memory (I was trying to). I think, at times like those, even if S is 'selfish', then staying alive is the most self-less act. I know I went through one time, after saying it, where it bothered me so much that maybe it 'creeped' out who I told that I promised them not to, just soI could ensure they'd forget about it.

I think we may be weak, but maybe our love is strong? I mean, after all, look how you have given that to me, just a 'stranger'. Some people (or many) wouldn't or don't feel that way towards even their own spouse or loved ones, they would never think of that, or take all that time and effort.

I am so lucky you are 'here', too! Maybe like the others said, we have to let the 'good stuff' absorb (without questioning it).

(((((((((Big BIG Hugs, xoxoxox))))))

 

[p-no]

(and then some)

I don't think it's "and then some" for me, just different things, no more hurtful, no less, I am sure.

You'd think the ridiculousness of such comments shoukd be an indicator to us of just how bizarre the comments are, but no, we take them to heart.

What I don't get, and probably never will, is how people who say something like that can not see how bizzare those comments are. I don't think my mother ever looked at herself.

I understand how people say S is selfish, but I'm guessing for the most part it's people who haven't felt that/ gone through it. Because for one thing, I know I can't make headway with my thinking (then).

Agreed. And then not. I can not stand people saying suicide is selfish, for the sole reason that I feel they would want me to feel bad in order to not do it to them. And "them" being my mother and other abusers in my life. Indeed though, whenever I thought about those I loved, I could have never done it. I didn't want them, like: these people, to hurt. I was convinced 100% that my mother wouldn't have cared anyway.

I think we may be weak, but maybe our love is strong?

I'm sorry that I did not make that any clearer. I put the word weak in quotes to express that we may be regarded as weak, but really are strong. So: not really weak. And yes, I think our love is strong. Sometimes that is what gets me into trouble... (not at all with regard to you or people here, just to make that clear). I just know that I feel safe with you and as if receiving a gift, actually whenever I read one of your posts. :)

Take care for now, dear Junebug. Let the good stuff absorb. So true.

 

[Tinyflame]

(((((Dear dear p-no))))), you are the gift. :)

Thank you, xoxoxox. :inlove::hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

There was a story today, about a girl re: S, 15, badly bullied/ shamed etc after a single unprudent 'sexting' event. But I was amazed how no one talked of 'blame', or strength, etc. Just the circumstances- how torturous they were (because they were aware).

Just compassion I mean, not blame (to her).

And I thought back too (unrelated), on all these (decent) guys I dated, who thought nothing was 'wrong'. I never understood, finally just equated it to them (no explanation possible). But maybe it (or I) really wasn't that bad? Well, in my mind I was. And I never told them anything privately much- perhaps then their perception and conclusions would have changed.

But really, I can't say I have run around dealing with S, either. Only when it occurred (1983/84), early 1990's, in 2006 (very bad situation), after 2008 (unexpected happening)- that took a long time to shake. :( But I kind of just ended up in over-exposure (not intending to be). I got thrown into all-of-a-sudden exposure and the ptsd symptoms blew up.

And what's likely not been very conduscive tp healing, is a very stressful environment in many ways.

Perhaps we are ok, weak or strong, all different people/ personalities. Perhaps these things can be overcome or circumvented (as far as ptsd goes), just by taking it 'as is'. Even to laugh about it as is possible. It just kind of makes us part of who or how we are. Not all we are, and not necessarily terrible as we are, either. Maybe even we notice it, or blame ourselves, etc, more than most people do? Maybe it's not as bad to them as ourselves? Maybe it is, but maybe -just maybe- it isn't.

Or maybe, just like here, we are fortunate to meet those who do understand, not just those who don't, or condemn. Though we probably condemn our own selves most.

((((((Hugs to All, xoxox))))