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Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope
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p-no
Dear ((((((Junebug))))))
I am sorry for all that you have had to go through.
No one can go on all the time. Nothing to do with PTSD! We're all just people and I can not possibly imagine how you have been able to keep going through all of this. I very much wish for a break for you.
You know I think in times like these it is important to look out for the so-called little things. What I mean is: If you can't get a break at work, make sure to not dismiss even minutes when you really could just sit down in an arm chair, close your door and breathe. We all need breaks and sometimes even small ones like that can help you. Going outside and just breathe or listen to a song, just one, can give you at least some minutes, and those minutes are important!
I can hardly imagine losing my "house" and my dog. I gave up my then own dog once and it was very difficult for me for several reasons. But giving up my "house" (apartment) also is no option for me at the moment. That is mainly why I keep working, and work sure has been a challenge with regard to my fitness for PTSD. I know I would be doing a lot better if I worked less, say part-time. But then I'd have to move to a tiny place in areas I don't want to live in because to me they are not safe. Maybe I have a tiny bit of an idea what it might make you feel. I'm sorry for this, dear Junebug. That you seem to suffer additionally from considering the options you have. Giving up your dog (generally speaking) does have you lose a friend or family member; at the same time though it can give you something back, or rather, take some burden off your shoulders in the sense that the time and money that went into her will go to you. I really do understand the big-time trouble with this emotionally. But at the same time I see that you could also gain something from it, and it is you I care about in this equation. I do hear you about not wanting to lose her and that causing you to say that things would only get worse if you did, but you are more important. And money and time are important to your well-being as well, dearest Junebug. :inlove:
I don't fully grasp the problem with the supervisor (for language reasons), but if you are trying to get help not just one-time but for a longer period of time then ask them again! "Asking" is something normal to do, something everyone can do at any given time. The supervisor can not know what you're going through and how desperately you need things to change at least somewhat if you don't tell them. They can not know the urgency. Maybe can you think about what to say before you call and write it down and read it to them? I've done that before and do it sometimes still when it's something real important and difficult for me to ask for something. I'm not saying tell them about all these details, I'm saying find a way to let them know it's too much for a reason, not just because it's too much per se, and finding the "right words".
I am sorry if I misunderstood something and therefore have said something "wrong". Let me know if that is the case -- I don't mean to hurt you or add to your trouble with anything I say.
I can so relate to the doctors/hospitals issue... I'm sorry you have that in top of it all. :( I am sorry but I don't understand: Are you continuing to get your tongue checked? Are the doctors okay? (Again, sorry, if I don't understand correctly.)
Lots of love to you, Junebug. And (((((((((HUGE hugs))))))))))
I am sorry for all that you have had to go through.
No one can go on all the time. Nothing to do with PTSD! We're all just people and I can not possibly imagine how you have been able to keep going through all of this. I very much wish for a break for you.
You know I think in times like these it is important to look out for the so-called little things. What I mean is: If you can't get a break at work, make sure to not dismiss even minutes when you really could just sit down in an arm chair, close your door and breathe. We all need breaks and sometimes even small ones like that can help you. Going outside and just breathe or listen to a song, just one, can give you at least some minutes, and those minutes are important!
I can hardly imagine losing my "house" and my dog. I gave up my then own dog once and it was very difficult for me for several reasons. But giving up my "house" (apartment) also is no option for me at the moment. That is mainly why I keep working, and work sure has been a challenge with regard to my fitness for PTSD. I know I would be doing a lot better if I worked less, say part-time. But then I'd have to move to a tiny place in areas I don't want to live in because to me they are not safe. Maybe I have a tiny bit of an idea what it might make you feel. I'm sorry for this, dear Junebug. That you seem to suffer additionally from considering the options you have. Giving up your dog (generally speaking) does have you lose a friend or family member; at the same time though it can give you something back, or rather, take some burden off your shoulders in the sense that the time and money that went into her will go to you. I really do understand the big-time trouble with this emotionally. But at the same time I see that you could also gain something from it, and it is you I care about in this equation. I do hear you about not wanting to lose her and that causing you to say that things would only get worse if you did, but you are more important. And money and time are important to your well-being as well, dearest Junebug. :inlove:
I don't fully grasp the problem with the supervisor (for language reasons), but if you are trying to get help not just one-time but for a longer period of time then ask them again! "Asking" is something normal to do, something everyone can do at any given time. The supervisor can not know what you're going through and how desperately you need things to change at least somewhat if you don't tell them. They can not know the urgency. Maybe can you think about what to say before you call and write it down and read it to them? I've done that before and do it sometimes still when it's something real important and difficult for me to ask for something. I'm not saying tell them about all these details, I'm saying find a way to let them know it's too much for a reason, not just because it's too much per se, and finding the "right words".
I am sorry if I misunderstood something and therefore have said something "wrong". Let me know if that is the case -- I don't mean to hurt you or add to your trouble with anything I say.
I can so relate to the doctors/hospitals issue... I'm sorry you have that in top of it all. :( I am sorry but I don't understand: Are you continuing to get your tongue checked? Are the doctors okay? (Again, sorry, if I don't understand correctly.)
Lots of love to you, Junebug. And (((((((((HUGE hugs))))))))))
- Post starter
- #125
Thank you (((((Gizmo))))), ((((((Abstract)))))), ((((((MO)))))), ((((((p-no)))))).
Dear p-no, I'm sorry if it didn't make sense. I agree- in terms of living arrangements- some areas of the city here are more dangerous for certain, and the conditions very poor. I don't care in terms of an appartment- except that I meant they don't allow dogs. The dog however, herself is not the problem, the shift is. If I cannot care for her or she was poorly treated I would find her a new home. But I can honestly say, if the house was on fire I would go in to look for her. Money could never make up for her.
Work has no 'wiggle room' nor makes no accomodations, about 1600 of us city-wide (down from 2200), and perhaps 200 in our Office (down from 300). The 'Supervisor' is really a scheduling clerk. But each person is under contractual obligation to fulfill their availability (as well as work performance, of course). I talked to HR prior to signing, to ~argue or present a case for a day shift, to no avail- their comeback was to make an allowance for me (to be able to work shifts requiring a vehicle- which I always did without a problem nor refusal), would not be possible as legally they would be obligated to indicate a vehicle was (is) required for the position during my days off/ holidays etc when the shift was posted. That is, you're scr*wed.
More people are still quitting. I envy their ability and opportunity to.
Most people can't even understand why one goes into the field. Most think those who do have no other option, not that they are trying to support people in their independence and ensure a higher quality of life and provide an alternative to a Hospital or Nursing Home. By the same token, however, they talk of how it facilitates this 'for the most vulnerable members of society'. Not sure if paying 4000-5000$ per month rent (their cost) and waiting (myself) for someone to come home at 11p.m. with their 3 daughters from a night out at the Legion to change a catheter bag is exactly what I call caring for 'the most vulnerable people in society'. It would take their 'kids' (adult children) 5 minutes to do it- they don't/ won't, whether they are Nurses, Lawyers, Judges, you name it. But, this is who society also respects, who is considered as wise, intelligent or achieving, perhaps they are. They don't appear to feel as I do, so I guess they are right.
I have even heard people from my own Church, disparaging workers over coffee- actually disparaging one (a good friend of mine) who took care of people who were the heaviest of care, including her husband to his death. And he's a fantastic individual, used to be a Paramedic. I cringe when he forewards me a funny joke and I see her name in the forwarded list, from her or to her. I always am reminded of it when she's in front of me at church, and she herself now is not well. I think it likely she will expect care (it's tax-payer funded, primarily). It's about 1 of 2 resentments I try to shake.
Not to say I don't hide it (relatively) well. I had someone tonight tell me at work "I'm full of joy". (Boy, called that one wrong, lol.)
No, the mouth thing I let ride, for the reasons above. Fortunately for me, it was either nothing or I got lucky as it went away in Idk, maybe a year. But I have no way to treat what is there. If something breaks spontaneously or I have no option I will go, but there's no point.
All that stuff I said- it's just stuff/ 'crap'/ life, it's even boring for me to write it, and feels rather shameful to reveal it. I said it only to indicate I haven't thrown the towel in as easily as it might appear.
I think it's been too much, I mean cumulatively. Is that crazy? I don't know. One can write it, but it's different to live it and feel it. Somethings changed. It's impossible, but I just don't know. I almost wish my health would just give out for good-I'm insured. It's got to end and I hope it does before I go through more suffering because of it.
I try to think to myself, stop whining, be thankful, 'don't think'. Then I also think, I don't know of anyone who would live like this or feeling like this.
P-no, I really thank you though, 'small breaks' do mean a lot. (((((((Hugs, xoxox))))))
Dear p-no, I'm sorry if it didn't make sense. I agree- in terms of living arrangements- some areas of the city here are more dangerous for certain, and the conditions very poor. I don't care in terms of an appartment- except that I meant they don't allow dogs. The dog however, herself is not the problem, the shift is. If I cannot care for her or she was poorly treated I would find her a new home. But I can honestly say, if the house was on fire I would go in to look for her. Money could never make up for her.
Work has no 'wiggle room' nor makes no accomodations, about 1600 of us city-wide (down from 2200), and perhaps 200 in our Office (down from 300). The 'Supervisor' is really a scheduling clerk. But each person is under contractual obligation to fulfill their availability (as well as work performance, of course). I talked to HR prior to signing, to ~argue or present a case for a day shift, to no avail- their comeback was to make an allowance for me (to be able to work shifts requiring a vehicle- which I always did without a problem nor refusal), would not be possible as legally they would be obligated to indicate a vehicle was (is) required for the position during my days off/ holidays etc when the shift was posted. That is, you're scr*wed.
More people are still quitting. I envy their ability and opportunity to.
Most people can't even understand why one goes into the field. Most think those who do have no other option, not that they are trying to support people in their independence and ensure a higher quality of life and provide an alternative to a Hospital or Nursing Home. By the same token, however, they talk of how it facilitates this 'for the most vulnerable members of society'. Not sure if paying 4000-5000$ per month rent (their cost) and waiting (myself) for someone to come home at 11p.m. with their 3 daughters from a night out at the Legion to change a catheter bag is exactly what I call caring for 'the most vulnerable people in society'. It would take their 'kids' (adult children) 5 minutes to do it- they don't/ won't, whether they are Nurses, Lawyers, Judges, you name it. But, this is who society also respects, who is considered as wise, intelligent or achieving, perhaps they are. They don't appear to feel as I do, so I guess they are right.
I have even heard people from my own Church, disparaging workers over coffee- actually disparaging one (a good friend of mine) who took care of people who were the heaviest of care, including her husband to his death. And he's a fantastic individual, used to be a Paramedic. I cringe when he forewards me a funny joke and I see her name in the forwarded list, from her or to her. I always am reminded of it when she's in front of me at church, and she herself now is not well. I think it likely she will expect care (it's tax-payer funded, primarily). It's about 1 of 2 resentments I try to shake.
Not to say I don't hide it (relatively) well. I had someone tonight tell me at work "I'm full of joy". (Boy, called that one wrong, lol.)
No, the mouth thing I let ride, for the reasons above. Fortunately for me, it was either nothing or I got lucky as it went away in Idk, maybe a year. But I have no way to treat what is there. If something breaks spontaneously or I have no option I will go, but there's no point.
All that stuff I said- it's just stuff/ 'crap'/ life, it's even boring for me to write it, and feels rather shameful to reveal it. I said it only to indicate I haven't thrown the towel in as easily as it might appear.
I think it's been too much, I mean cumulatively. Is that crazy? I don't know. One can write it, but it's different to live it and feel it. Somethings changed. It's impossible, but I just don't know. I almost wish my health would just give out for good-I'm insured. It's got to end and I hope it does before I go through more suffering because of it.
I try to think to myself, stop whining, be thankful, 'don't think'. Then I also think, I don't know of anyone who would live like this or feeling like this.
P-no, I really thank you though, 'small breaks' do mean a lot. (((((((Hugs, xoxox))))))
- Post starter
- #126
intothelight
Sponsor
(((Junebug)))
I am so sorry you are at this point. I understand what you are saying and the weight of it is so hard to bare. I have no words of wisdom or advice at this point, other than to say that I understand. I always hang on the the hope that things will change, when I feel as though the present is going to come crashing down.
Keep finding joy in the little things and take it millimeter by millimeter. Remember there are many of us walking beside you in spirit.
Deb
- Post starter
- #128
Thank you Dearest Deb, you are very right.
I think it is actually all just because of physically feeling crappy. It sounds like a cop-out, but I think it's actually the reason.
Today, also, I'm going to work on paperwork to submit monday, to fix the schedule I have. I have to complete about 18 calls in last 3 hours of work alone, I recognize it's a lot of pressure (because doors are locked at certain times etc), I will (*should*) be able to get that corrected; most workers have 1/2 of those in twice the time.
It's ok, it's the physical part affecting the mental part. Maybe I can work on fixing that. :)
Hope this makes sense.
(((((((Hugs and gratitude from the bottom of my heart, xoxox)))))), :hug:.
I think it is actually all just because of physically feeling crappy. It sounds like a cop-out, but I think it's actually the reason.
Today, also, I'm going to work on paperwork to submit monday, to fix the schedule I have. I have to complete about 18 calls in last 3 hours of work alone, I recognize it's a lot of pressure (because doors are locked at certain times etc), I will (*should*) be able to get that corrected; most workers have 1/2 of those in twice the time.
It's ok, it's the physical part affecting the mental part. Maybe I can work on fixing that. :)
Hope this makes sense.
(((((((Hugs and gratitude from the bottom of my heart, xoxox)))))), :hug:.
- Post starter
- #129
What I mean is, every day I feel crappy physically- but on the days off, too. But then I don't have the pressure of battling that at work. Who would feel good at work, or that it was possible, when they are feeling sick in general? Not the work that is to blame, but the not feeling good that makes it feel as it does.
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- #130
- Post starter
- #131
I think I get something, 'trauma'-related-wise, it's traumatic to me to get sick or 'be' sick and most certainly to say I feel sick, because I got sick when it wasn't good-timing (before).
I don't mean in the normal way of the frustrations and pain, that's there too of course, but I mean in the guilt and shame way. And the past-experience trigger way. Ugh, I don't have the words.
And my family, especially my dad, worked through/ said almost nothing when he felt really sick. Well, then he died of course. But I mean, somewhere, if he felt he made the more wise choice, I guess I feel it sort of reflects badly on what he chose if I choose differently, or 'can't'. Like it's disloyal, almost, really. A ~bad reflection on him, if that makes sense? :confused: :sorry::unsure: I mean, he never had the opportunity, etc. And he did what he did out of a greater love (than for) himself. (I do understand why he chose it.)
Or well, I say if he was 'right', me doing different makes me wrong/ weak/ useless/ selfish/ bad, etc etc etc.
I think that's big, to recognize, maybe-??
I don't mean in the normal way of the frustrations and pain, that's there too of course, but I mean in the guilt and shame way. And the past-experience trigger way. Ugh, I don't have the words.
And my family, especially my dad, worked through/ said almost nothing when he felt really sick. Well, then he died of course. But I mean, somewhere, if he felt he made the more wise choice, I guess I feel it sort of reflects badly on what he chose if I choose differently, or 'can't'. Like it's disloyal, almost, really. A ~bad reflection on him, if that makes sense? :confused: :sorry::unsure: I mean, he never had the opportunity, etc. And he did what he did out of a greater love (than for) himself. (I do understand why he chose it.)
Or well, I say if he was 'right', me doing different makes me wrong/ weak/ useless/ selfish/ bad, etc etc etc.
I think that's big, to recognize, maybe-??
- Post starter
- #132
I mean, if my dad was right, I'm 'wrong' to acknowledge I feel sick (physically), or to do anything about it. And of course as regards work.
(And), perhaps worse yet, if it's 'ok' to acknowledge it, that would make my dad as having been 'wrong', to not to. :(
When (only once) I said, "Why DIDN'T dad go to a Dr, etc?", my mom pointed out his history (totally made sense). But my sister, then and ever since, has always said it was only survival (and similarly speaking, to do otherwise is whiny etc- a failure), which I have always thought is the only element of truth.
It feels better to make some sense out of it though too, -it's all twisted around this. To have felt this 'sh*tty' for some purpose helps, xox! :)
(And), perhaps worse yet, if it's 'ok' to acknowledge it, that would make my dad as having been 'wrong', to not to. :(
When (only once) I said, "Why DIDN'T dad go to a Dr, etc?", my mom pointed out his history (totally made sense). But my sister, then and ever since, has always said it was only survival (and similarly speaking, to do otherwise is whiny etc- a failure), which I have always thought is the only element of truth.
It feels better to make some sense out of it though too, -it's all twisted around this. To have felt this 'sh*tty' for some purpose helps, xox! :)
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