Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

And I definitely (personally) feel like a failure and burden when I get sick, not about others but about myself. That if I didn't have ptsd I wouldn't, not that that's the exclusive realm I feel like I am a burden- that's on top of it. And that, short of 'catching' Malaria, it's only stress (I therefore can't handle), that the physical part is only from stress or caused by it, which if I was stronger I would handle.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, I'm not sure if this is relevant, but I may have found a different position today that I can apply for. Perhaps not a hope in H*ll I'd get it, likely out of my reach. However, ...

 

[JustBe]

:tup: Good Luck Junebug! :D

 

[p-no]

Wishing you all the best for this! :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Mo and p-no. I thought about it much all day, but frankly don't have a hope to secure it. Think it was grasping at the wonderful thought of the relief of full time 'day' hours. That's like a dream I fear will never materialize again.

In the past it may not have stopped me from trying, not that I ever was the confident type. But I could present myself well (generally speaking). But since 2008, or maybe by 2006 even, I think I lost most of the last vestiges of self-esteem or self-worth I had (or most of it). I can't envision gaining it back (ever). No more than becoming the same person I was pre-ptsd. Though the ptsd isn't to blame. Perhaps only in so far as things are getting harder to bounce back from.

I was thinking how weird it is, I mean in 'real life' I default to humour etc. It's not a lie, it is 'myself'. Here I default to or reveal all the black thoughts, but that isn't a lie either. And that both exist simultaneously.

 

[p-no]

Perhaps only in so far as things are getting harder to bounce back from.

I so hear you. Same here. No bouncing back much anymore. I think I have "landed in life" and my life is full of trauma, like a patchwork quilt.

I was thinking how weird it is, I mean in 'real life' I default to humour etc. It's not a lie, it is 'myself'. Here I default to or reveal all the black thoughts, but that isn't a lie either. And that both exist simultaneously.

Again, I hear you. They do exist simultaneously. And if it's the same for you as for me, you have both sides with you at all times and access to them too but decide which to reveal. I think that is normal as far as normal goes.

(((((((((((((Junebug))))))))))))))

Do try securing it. It is the truth: You can not know if you'd been able to get it if you do not try. I understand though. :inlove:

 

[JustBe]

I too totally get where you're coming from Junebug. I worked myself into a deeper depression last winter because I was desperate to get back to work. My T told me that I could not work and to stop looking as it was hurting my recovery.

Even though it was hard and I mourned for the loss, I do feel better without that stressor. I don't know if this helps...

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you p-no, yes it is that way. And thank you MO, not an option but I'm glad it is for you.

The harder I try to be positive about it, the worse it gets. Like yesterday, was trying to be (not think) and they promptly added more calls to the bottom of the shift (men, who have thrown other male workers out, I believe, which is normally an indicator they're 'pervy'), and now I won't even get home til closer to 12:30 pm or 1am.

I found other positions, primarily not in this field, to apply for if I can pull myself and CV together tomorrow. Unfortunately, I find planning to end it looking more attractive. Or just more realistic, I cannot imagine lasting even through 2 weeks notice, let alone getting the energy for this. And then it's up to them to actually hire me, and I hardly am projecting a great image. Someone said in another thread, about something else, about 'being between a rock and a hard place- can't stand it but can't change it'. Problem is, I can change it, in under what- 10 minutes? It's starting not to matter to me. Hearing of all others have to live for is great- for them. But simply makes me feel worse and confirms what I already know. I have confirmation of the opposite every day, or evry time I ask for help (not here, everyone is very kind). But real life is real life.

 

[Tinyflame]

But then I think of poor Nicolette's concerns/ Anthony; Deb, Froggie, p-no and your stuff, Springer and Hashi and the stuff re: work, etc etc etc. Everyone has legitimate concerns. I just don't have the heart, strength or even reason to continue. Or abilit(ies).

 

[Tinyflame]

Today I asked my Supervisor some straight out questions as to what would be the consequences of changing to casual status (with the thought that perhaps I could go on call for example 6:30am to 5:30 pm or so, as many days as I wanted, 12 or more bi-weekly). I highly suspect I lose all benefits, and would also not be covered by the Collective Agreement.

I have also thought however, how dumb- S over work. Of course, it's mor than 'just' work. But really, one would think there has to be some way to prevent a nervous breakdown, or S.

I guess I am trying to think to push through to try to get another job that is 'workable'.

My mom would have said losing a house etc not worth losing your life, soul. I have my doubts though.

Mostly I want it to end. And it's very tempting when it's so quickly within reach.

It's odd too; I thought I was the one guilty of isolating myself, and God-knows frequently I am. I heard it once said when one is deathly tired and at the end of their rope God 'hears'. But reaching out to God or people seems the same- nothing. I guess God feels as people do. I don't know what else really to think. End of the line, I suppose.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh ya, and my Supervisor's response was to make myself available on my current workdays from noon- 11:30 pm (because that fills her need- she can schedule 8 baths to me instead of 4, before I start my run at 4pm), for me to get a few extra hours. Being that they still have to add 20 hours to my schedule and I already feel this 'great' (sic), that's no option.

No one would do this for nothing. I have nothing that keeps me here and nothing to leave. Even my sister would be better off. And she's the only one it would effect.

 

[p-no]

And she's the only one it would effect.

No, she isn't...