Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Abstract]

They are all wrong, it's like there is a 3rd reality that is the actual truth, of what I think, or how I am. I cannot be 'me', or it's not acceptable to be me. :(

Hi Junebug,
Stuff like this is what contributed a lot to my depression Prising it apart and being more authentic no matter what people wanted me to be changed my life.

It's tempting sometimes to do things just to drown or block it out (short term forgetting). Or maybe in a healthier, less destructive way, accept it's there and just engage best I can in each present day. I'm not quite sure what else to think/ do.

I think you are far from alone in that. Physical exhaustion absolutely adds to it too. But the thing with trauma is that it is normal to avoid it like ones life depended on it. Avoidance. But the truth is that that does not change anything.

Having another human being sit across from you and listen to you while you refile that information is what is required. There is no painless way to do that but I absolutely get how it does not feel possible. I have read that we will come up with every possible logic to make it seem like the right thing to stay away.

being trapped in a work situation certainly doesn't help. I can sympathise not seeing any way out and certainly cannot suggest one to you. But when I have been in situations like this and have looked back on them in retrospect there has always been a way even though it maybe was messy and not what I wanted. When my sister used to tell me there is always a way out I would feel very angry with her and misunderstood. Especially as I was barely surviving and could not contemplate anything else.

Oh and it is not Ok for your sister to be abusive to you. That adds to depression a lot too.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstract, thank you. I typed some but it disappeared. Forgive me if I forget something. :(

I hear you, never considered 'depression' as possibly being part of this, let alone those things as contributing. (Funny when you think of SI). Maybe I should have recognized, connecting that (SI) to ambivalence. [(More of) the 'weather report syndrome'.]

In essence you're saying, 'don't give up hope', :hug: for you too.

I am sure you are right, as regards the avoidance. Logically explaining in every possible way why it's best. Which makes sense- when it does feel like your (my) life depends upon continuing it.

Saffy said in another thread, it (avoidance) comes back from the past and demands it remains in the present and future, or as she said it will keep haunting us until we agree to go back to that way, of thinking and living.

I, like what I have heard you say, have the 'weather report syndrome'. About all of it. I guess I thought it all was not relevant, or that important. That's the voice in my head.

In some ways it feels like 'going thru it'. Batten down the hatches, take a deep breath, and go forward.

I love your word 'authentic'. It's hard (takes so much energy) to not be. Not really possible. Right or wrong, I only know how to be me.

((((((Sweet and dear Abstract :hug: ))))))), thanks always, xox.

 

[Tinyflame]

I sort of guessed all that may be happening for you. You have zero reason to feel that way.

Dear Abstract, could I bother you to ask, what did you mean? Do you mean, that's what happened? And which way do you mean I shouldn't feel? (I mean just really black-and-white, nothing inferred, I just don't understand.)

Thank you! (If/ when you have time or care to let 'er rip, lol). :hug:

 

[Abstract]

feel like saying "I'm sorry"- my big mouth runneth over!
I feel ashamed and embarrassed,
'

No trouble Junebug,:hug:
This is the part that I was referring to. Shall come back to answer the rest. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstract, thank you! I would never have thought that's what it meant, I forgot I said it because I think/ thought of it as true and accurate!

Thank you so much, all this help and kindness, I am so :notworthy:. Thank you so much, xox.

PS, don't rush, I know it takes time and effort. How sweet and kind you are. Don't censor it, I need to hear the truth. (NO PRESSURE, lol.)

Big big Bear :hug:. :)

 

[Abstract]

Hi Junebug!

It is a great pleasure and I certainly don't know how much use it is but much that you say often resonates with me and seems to be similar to some of my ways of functioning. But I of course can't know and so will just share some of my experiences and you can see if any of it resonates or seems useful.

Like you things have felt like a struggle for almost a lifetime. For me that is vague as my memories are patchy but I still have a general sense of that.

SU (S) was a constant thing for me and it was just a matter of degrees. For me I was unable to be assertive or know how I was feeling and absolutely unable to share about anything that happened to me or the SU with anyone. For one thing there was noone I would have felt OK to share it with. I was just plodding along. Not knowing how I was feeling or being able to express it or to put my needs first or know how to set boundaries (as I had never been allowed them) put me in harms way even more. I had been trained to not be able to protect myself essentially and would freeze up mentally or physically when danger came around.

Essentially I think a lot of things come along with complex trauma. The inability to look after myself and the dissociation and terrible self judgements and self hatred and shame. The distortions in how I saw and see myself myself and am able to care for myself.

I think (missing memory) that the flashbacks etc have got much much worse in recent years but despite this I have learned certain things that have made such a difference to how I feel and am able to live regardless of the PTSD stuff. In many ways I guess maybe I have gone closer from complex trauma (or whatever is now called) symptoms to being closer to normal PTSD symptoms.

Because my style of thinking, looking after myself, setting boundaries and self care, and self awareness has improved so much everything is easier to deal with. Also having an eating disorder and learning to deal with that and recover (which took me almost 30 years to do) has been a very graphic and clear way of monitoring the effects things have on me when I otherwise would not have known better.

Because of these I have realised that certain things have a direct affect on my mood and stress levels and the amount of stress makes the PTSD cup fuller and symptoms worse.

...people I know call me a 'cool girl' or 'so much fun'. ....My sister routinely alternates between being loving and abusive- she and her bf seem to think the 'answer' to all that is 'wrong with me'... They are all wrong, it's like there is a 3rd reality that is the actual truth, of what I think, or how I am. I cannot be 'me', or it's not acceptable to be me. :(

For me these are all key issues and any one of them leads to major increase in SU, increased hopelessness as well as longer term increase in PTSD symptoms.

For example: someone without PTSD but with depression would usually find that these things would be some of the key issues that cause and worsen depression. Stopping these has not saved me from SU feelings as they come up with re experiencing but I will say that they are much improved in general.

I needed to have less disconnection between who I really was and who others saw me as. To feel and be more authentic. I needed to be able to set boundaries with people who are abusive and with most family that has meant a certain amount of distance. And to have them know that don't accept their judgements that I am somehow deficient. I have also had to learn how to manage rest, work, personal relationships and many other others things. Included in this I have had to learn how to be angry.

I don't want to give the wrong idea. I am a total wreck and am really struggling in so many ways. I just know that for me these things make it much worse if they even slip for one minute. I am not at all saying you don't do them as there is no way I would know but I am just putting it out there. PTSD can come with a lot of depressive symptoms as you know. I find managing these as best as possible helpful for me.

I hope this makes some sense and apologies if it is totally irrelevant.

If you want to share then how much therapy have you had and what type?

Much:inlove:

 

[Abstract]

Oh. And I really like what both you and Saffy say about avoidance. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Dear Abstract thank you.

You have given me much to think about, and yes I think our experiences (not the exact word I want for now but I hope you know what I mean) are similar. I will write back but just can't at the moment. But you are very right.

I did something very brave (for me) this morning (well, talked about it), as per being (VERY) true to who I am. It was scary (but) I hope it will open a can of blessings (for myself and all of us affected), lol.

(((((Biggest of hugs)))))), :hug:.

 

[Tinyflame]

And what I should have said, is I see what you are saying- and it is true- how it is other issues (self esteem, self-care, avoidance of feelings, lack of feeling 'entitled' to the basics of living, etc) are involved in this (that are not ptsd, and yet partially relate to ptsd. And also where ptsd does have it's bearing.

And I saw even what you wrote in another thread about a guy's girlfriend- the wisest of words.

Like I said, I will come back, thank you from all my heart, (((((xox)))).

 

[Tinyflame]

And also I realize so much suffering is coming not from what I'm going through, but by not being true to myself.

I came back to add, I asked for something for myself today. I think it (might) enable everyone to be true to themselves, I am hoping so. I have always been a strong believer in if one is truly true to themself it will not only enable them to be who they should be and accomplish what they are designed for, so to speak, but also bring them and hopefully others the greatest happiness. I never had the chance to choose that for myself, though, well not for years, anyway, even though I think it would actually help all of us- others too- benefit more.

I feel happy in a way I haven't for years, though a tad 'scared' and unsure. Well, tentative. :)

It's been a huge burden of internal suffering to not have been able to be myself, because even giving that up, it plays on all my decisions. I think in retrospect it's destroying me more than ptsd, rather much of it has nothing whatsoever to do with ptsd, at all. Not avoidance, but not being able to be myself.

 

[Tinyflame]

Also, I stood up for myself wednesday- well it just blurted out from my heart what I meant, think and feel, and it helped a lot. And I did it in a healthy way, I think. I think it had an impact in terms of understanding, because my sister was left speechless. It kind of surprised even me how clear it was, to and for myself, and certainly my choice. And actually assertive.

 

[Abstract]

Dearest Junebug,

I am so impressed by you! The only way I could start to do that was with much support and constant reassurance and pushing from a long term T. Sooo impressed. :tup::cool:

Yes, I think you have really made some very good points! I don't know if you have heard this before but there is a saying that goes something like this: there is the pain and then there is the pain of the pain. The pain for us is the re experiencing and insomnia and all the other stuff - the trauma. The pain of the pain is us judging ourselves, not caring for ourselves, self blaming and belittling and bullying ad maybe even judging ourselves for having flashbacks etc. Also giving up our power to others and not protecting ourselves. These things can develop separate to PTSD or they can be a part of complex PTSD (or whatever it now is - can't remember) along with all the dissociative stuff as when we grow up and develop whilst being so unsafe and being traumatised we develop unhealthy ways of interacting with ourselves and the outside world. Why? Because no one taught us how to do it properly or to treat ourselves properly and even did the opposite.

Not standing up for myself just once when I got to a point in late eating disorder recovery would result in immediate relapse and increased depressive symptoms. We know on some level that we are betraying ourselves and then the anger gets internalised and turns into self destructive thoughts and impulses.

If you are interested I could suggest a few books. No pressure too but if you want to tell me what therapy you have had then I am listening.