Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

Thank you always for your ++++kindness p-no, (((((((((hugs))))))).

I heard something yesterday, am not quite certain but sick leave (physical) is 2/3rd's pay (currently)- BUT I think our (Canadian) Employment Insurance would (possibly?) top up for a period of time. Not that it's necessary at all, I don't mean that, just if that's so that's a real Blessing.

 

[Tinyflame]

I am so confused. I found all different paperwork looking for my resume yesterday, bad reminders, stuff when I was happy, stuff from before I fell apart in 2008, a book on 'how to stay alive while your mind is killing you". Reminders I've said more than I thought, ugh. Remember I promised no S- twice. And not knowing what to do, in that except for carry on, feels like my clothes are on fire, and I don't fit anywhere. In fact, I feel it embarasses myself and others to be visible. Yet I remember memories that are the opposite, after all it improved after 2005/ 06 and 2008 (eventually). But does that matter, maybe all-has-changed and the present is all that matters.This is probably dumb to write. I have to go pretty soon. I am at a loss. I am lucky to be on my own for weekend. Thank you for letting me say it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I was raised, there was no room for "can't" or "won't", things weren't talked about it was just expected to get it done. Things weren't addressed, like illnesses either, unless it was a life-or-death (moment). "Not able" wasn't an option. My house is that way now.

I know I have pushed others away. Or, at the very least they didn't seem to think there were the negatives there are. But now, I feel 'crazier' than I feared I was, or worse, a lost cause.

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess it just feels- or is, like an almost out -of-body thing where I'm watching my own falling apart but I am powerless to stop it. I don't know of any help, don't even know what or how to. Even speaking up or asking has been just silence in return, just more embarassment, burdensomeness, and I guess there's nothing to say. I don't know where else to turn, certainly don't know what to do. Hard to admit but true. I don't feel abandoned, I feel like a freak.

What am I doing wrong? Am I supposed to say I am desperate, or on a good day in a heap on the floor in tears, in private? I don't know what to do anymore. It's like being a leper, not even entitled to be on the planet. I wish I could just give up, I can't do this.

 

[Abstract]

Oh Junebug.

I get the sense that you are in desperate trouble. I agree with what your mother would have said. That no situation is worth loosing your life over. You may not be able to value that life at present but I value it for you. And I know that there can be a time in the future when you will value it again too. That is how these things work.

I hope you give yourself a chance to experience that and don't give up on yourself. That is one context in which your don't give up policy is a good approach.

Your father was wrong in his approach. That doesn't make him a bad person or evil or anything else. There are always choices and he could have chosen differently but he did what he knew how to do at the time. That does not mean that you need to do the same thing. Both you and your sister have internalised these messages as children do. It is very hard to fight that but it is possible. I have been there and done it although I still struggle a lot. It is hard but is life changing. You can re write your values and approach to life and you don't need to take on your families unhealthy ideas. I hope this is OK to say and not to hard.

This is big stuff to consider and important to think about. I relate very much with the whole "it is not Ok to be sick, unwell or to need rest" stuff.

It is also entirely normal for physical exhaustion to increase the trauma symptoms and push us over the edge. You need to find a way out of your situation and as soon as possible. I don't know how and I am sorry that you are so trapped. The problem I find is that when one gets to this desperate place that getting out becomes so hard. The energy and thought required feel impossible. Things can improve if you do this though. I really hope you can muster the strength and find a way. You cannot carry on as you are.

Much caring Junebug.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you A, (((((((xox)))))))).

 

[Abstract]

Hi dear Junebug.

I hope you copy your recent post on that other thread and continue to discuss it here or on a new thread. It is lovely to hear you speaking and discussing this and I think it sounds like it would be helpful to you.:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Abstract, you are so kind. Yet I just feel like saying "I'm sorry"- my big mouth runneth over! Had no intention of saying that it just overflowed, Idk why. Like when you put water in the coffee pot twice and by the time you've realized what you've done it's too late, it's all over the floor. :( I would have deleted it but couldn't as someone had hit like. :(

I feel ashamed and embarrassed, to tell you the truth, let alone repeat it.

(((((((Hugs)))))) though, for you, xox.
'

 

[Abstract]

I sort of guessed all that may be happening for you. You have zero reason to feel that way. I really do hope you copy and paste it here or start a new thread and do so. It's the first time I have seen you say so much and I think it was brave and good. That is how we get better. By unravelling these things. You have many safe people here who understand you and will listen. I had some thoughts but won't overstep and carry on until you open that door and discuss it further.
:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Oye, Abstract, it seems in retrospect so silly. Not withstanding, I'm an adult now (old!, lol), and that was so long ago. I really have no need to talk about it. Seems stupid and shameful. And so much has happened since then. But thank you for the acceptance, and for being so kind.

Never worry, you can say everything. I appreciate the feedback and know it takes time and effort. I'm not great at self discovery!

((((((((Sweet Abstract))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

You know what too, Abstract? I was thinking, as regards this 'stuff', and this thread, well the current stuff/ worries/ fears/ legitimate fears, well they seem to be what is current (and therefore the necessity). What I didn't say was things are a lot better than a few years ago, but I'm still in a spot where on some nights I have to have a bag packed and leave (or should be). So even the reduction in income is not helping matters. And if I start the day early, I'm exhausted by the night when I need the most physical energy (output); if I start the day late, well, what can one 'begin' at midnight? The options or the offers aren't what I'm looking for. But then that becomes sleep/ work. That's not a sustainable option either, really.

I know I have to be the one to try to change it. How that possibly can become a reality is beyond me. I guess, like most of us, and/ or maybe by this age, part of me just wants to forget and carry on- forget the past, forget ptsd, forget the feelings, forget the hopeless feeling. It's tempting sometimes to do things just to drown or block it out (short term forgetting). Or maybe in a healthier, less destructive way, accept it's there and just engage best I can in each present day. I'm not quite sure what else to think/ do.

 

[Tinyflame]

Strange how it came to me, how out in public/ people I know call me a 'cool girl' or 'so much fun'. -Yikes, better not blurt this stuff (like the other thread) out in public((!) My sister routinely alternates between being loving and abusive- she and her bf seem to think the 'answer' to all that is 'wrong with me' would be to link me up with his co-worker. They are all wrong, it's like there is a 3rd reality that is the actual truth, of what I think, or how I am. I cannot be 'me', or it's not acceptable to be me. :(