Verbally Abusive Family Members

[Tanishq]

Maybe they are just helping you in the wrong way. Maybe you could talk to them about how they can support you better?

Pardon me Sydney.

Saffy, I did this both. I let my aunt know that she is helping me in wrong way. She even denied listening to me. Just couple of days ago, she called me. She tells me to study more so I can earn more money, I strongly sense her greed for money and if I follow her advice in the end I will be at terrible loss. To me love is everything and my mental, physical health is greater. I let her know that she is not understanding my issue. She accused me of belittling herself.

She was voicing my parents. Trying to save their money. My aunt is insane. An advice machine and greedy for money. I was patiently trying to understand her. But she keeps talking on and on even if you say you don't want to talk. When I am trying to explain her, in middle she will cut me from what I am saying and she will begin bombard the same old advices without understanding what I am saying.

Frustrates me so much.

 

[ms spock]

Sometimes playing the broken record is the way to go. 'I know you are trying to help, but this is not helpful right now.' Then get off the phone asap. This might might or might not be helpful.

 

[Tanishq]

'I know you are trying to help, but this is not helpful right now.' Then get off the phone asap.

Now a days I have to cut the phone. I don't like doing it. It's not in my nature to cut off someone. But this aunt is way more insane. I told her now let's stop talking. Though she will keep talking, she doesn't know any limit.

I feel guilt later Ms Spock. I don't intend to pick up phones. This will be good, so I won't have to cut her phones,too.

Your opinion is helpful.

 

[ms spock]

Good getting off the phone lines are - "Someone is at the door! I have to go now!" "The pot is on the stove, I have got to go now!" "I have someone here now, so I can't talk anymore!" and just hang up quickly.

It is okay to limit your contact with your aunt that has no boundaries and is abit insane. You are protecting your "self" and to some extent you are protecting her. If you don't protect your "self" from her - then in the end you will have to cut off contact with her altogether. So make sure you protect yourself.

Putting a time limit on phone calls for five minutes and always hanging up after five minutes trains the boundaryless people that 5 minutes is all you do anyway. You habituate them in to only expecting five minutes conversation.

An answering machine is another good option as well.

I don't have these types of people in my life now but gosh I remember how hard it is to deal with them. It is pretty awful at times.

 

[Tanishq]

Thank you. Those ideas sounds nice.

But No Ms Spock, I don't have any stamina to hear her anymore.

I know very well, she talks to my parents regularly and have strong feeling she is voicing them. She told me by herself that she has much respect towards my parents, my bio mother is her elder sister. So it is her right to advice me. She told me this all to make me emotional. Actually she is very insensitive emotionally. She will consider others emotions only when they are being helpful to them.

She will ask me how I am and other few things. She will say Yeah, Yeah. Then she will start lecturing, ditto same like my parents does. I feel it is my parents who are talking to me through this aunty. Then I clearly told her I know how much you lie and you are in contact with my parents regularly. I am not 2yr old boy, who can't understanding anything. She will defend herself. She will ask me what is my problem? Then she will cut my voice when I am answering her and will be back to tell, do hard work. Eat everything or whatever has been cooked. Constantly bombarding.

It feels she is pushing my all painful buttons. I told her many times, your harsh and bitter way of talking hurts me. she will say she is not bitter at all. She is great. I should follow her. fact is, none of her opinion rings bell. When she bombards advices, my brain shuts down and I start feeling very bad.

How can you support someone without understanding first? beyond me.

Answering machine for advice machine. how fitting! :laugh:

 

[saffy]

When I am trying to explain her

HI jaret

I feel your frustration :)

Yes I can get very frustrated and angry with people like that, it's like banging my head on the wall.

What I tend to do with people like this is humour them rather than explain. If they give idiotic advice I choose not to actually take it on board. I listen and say mmm, I might try that thanks, but I don't.

I am definately not going to sit and try and explain myself, why should I. If their motives are set towards their skewed vision of life or if it is their way or no way or they always know best. Know best for who? them? me?

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Tanishq]

I listen and say mmm, I might try that thanks, but I don't.

Hi Saffy,

Here is the point I always felt stuck to go ahead. I would figure out, but wouldn't find another thought to completely get out myself from it. I think they are effects of being trapped in dad's trap. He really gave me unbearable times by playing mentally. They know once kid is uncomfortable, forcefully they will be following them and they will be able to fulfill their wish.

I did come up to this once, Did. Aunt played next argument that she will call tomorrow to see that I have followed her advice or not. They are great at playing mentally. It has never happened she has called me or not. What she would do, she would call my parents. She often asks am I speaking truth? I told her, if you don't trust why even bother talk to me? I get impression, my parents do confuse her to make me work according to them. I think they are trained themselves to do so. I know they have quarreled a lot when they were at my age, now they have become master at those vicious hurtful tactic.

I am feeling strong after receiving this strong statement. I wandered it for many years. I would try to solve this out. They know fear is hard challenge to tackle, so they always kept giving me. They think getting masters degree can help anyone to make huge money. But I am not taking this masters to make money, I want to enjoy and be there in every moment. Can you believe if this abusers changed their mind and went for positivity and love. World would be at peace and different.

They even mix up beliefs. They know and are aware of it. I wish this people were positive, I believe they would be millionaire after 20 years. I can see it happening. Instead they kept confusing themselves, now they are doing to me.

Thank you so much for giving me much needed strength and courage to face it. I would choose not to take it on board and just be myself - relaxed. I don't think I would crumble next time, even if I did now I have positive thought what to do and how to confront it.
:hug:

 

[saffy]

Hi Jaret

It is good that you can see all thier flaws and negativity. You have needs; Choose to be you :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Tanishq]

Saffy, You showed me right direction and now that has opened so many things and is helping me to look at my mistakes without feeling guilty or any kind of self beat up. :)

 

[ms spock]

I think they are effects of being trapped in dad's trap. He really gave me unbearable times by playing mentally. They know once kid is uncomfortable, forcefully they will be following them and they will be able to fulfill their wish.

Oh Jaret,
that type of bullying is quite stressful to deal with.

I did come up to this once, Did. Aunt played next argument that she will call tomorrow to see that I have followed her advice or not.

OMG Jaret! That is so intrusive! Perhaps you can suggest that she can go to see a therapist to deal with her controlling behaviours! And that you won't listen to her advice until she has been in therapy for 12 months! That is an appalling amount of pressure to have put on her. An answering machine might be the best answer for this Aunt!

They are great at playing mentally.

They have had lots of practice Jaret!

It has never happened she has called me or not. What she would do, she would call my parents. She often asks am I speaking truth? I told her, if you don't trust why even bother talk to me?

Oh the mind games Jaret! That is not acceptable behaviour. You don't treat people like that!

I know they have quarreled a lot when they were at my age, now they have become master at those vicious hurtful tactic.

You have really good insight about their behaviours and their tactics Jaret. Keep this knowledge close to your heart and perhaps write a message about how unreasonable this is with the possible get out suggestions - so if you get swamped by your Aunt or your parents you have some excuses to get off the phone written right next to the phone.

I am feeling strong after receiving this strong statement. I wandered it for many years. I would try to solve Can you believe if this abusers changed their mind and went for positivity and love. World would be at peace and different.

You can't solve a situation like this Jaret, you just have to learn how to not take on their stuff and how to avoid hearing all their negativity and rubbish.

If abusers weren't abusive and used their energies positively the world would be a nicer place - even if they just stopped their negativity.

Instead they kept confusing themselves, now they are doing to me.

Once again really good insight and awareness Jaret. Make sure your write this all down so you can read it when you get off the phone to counter their negativity and emotionally manipulative brain washing.

Thank you so much for giving me much needed strength and courage to face it. I would choose not to take it on board and just be myself - relaxed. I don't think I would crumble next time, even if I did now I have positive thought what to do and how to confront it.
:hug:

It takes a lot of practice to not crumble Jaret. So be kind and patient with yourself. If you can, limit your phone calls to 5 minutes. If you have a T perhaps you can work out some more strategies with her/him.

Not answering the phone sounds like a great idea to me. Leaving the house and going walking to keep yourself out of their phone sphere is another strategy. Good luck Jaret, give yourself lots of time to practice and get it right, and if you don't go how you like just chalk it up to experience and well needed practice.

 

[ms spock]

It feels she is pushing my all painful buttons. I told her many times, your harsh and bitter way of talking hurts me. she will say she is not bitter at all. She is great. I should follow her. fact is, none of her opinion rings bell. When she bombards advices, my brain shuts down and I start feeling very bad.

If she starts bombarding advice Jaret, it is time to get off the phone. If you can't manage that - then hold the phone out from your ear and don't listen as much. You will work out strategies as you go on.

There is a book called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. I found it quite helpful. It might resonate with you and it might not but it is an option.

 

[ms spock]

But No Ms Spock, I don't have any stamina to hear her anymore.

That is not all surprising Jaret! It is not unreasonable at all either.

I know very well, she talks to my parents regularly and have strong feeling she is voicing them. She told me by herself that she has much respect towards my parents, my bio mother is her elder sister. So it is her right to advice me.

You could tell her that she should ring your mother as you both agree and it would be a much happier conversation between them. Say goodbye cheerily and hang up, and not pick up the phone when it rings back.

Then she will start lecturing, ditto same like my parents does. I feel it is my parents who are talking to me through this aunty. Then I clearly told her I know how much you lie and you are in contact with my parents regularly...Constantly bombarding.

Once again saying to her - I am not enjoying this conversation but you would agree with my parents so ring them and have this discussion and say Bye and hang up quickly. And not answer the phone when she rings back.

That could be a broken record you could repeat to her. Oh that sounds like you would agree with my parents. Please ring them and have this conversation with them as they would enjoy talking to you about this and they would agree with you. I am not enjoying this conversation. Enjoy your day/night. Goodbye Auntie! and hang up quickly.

Of course this might not help at all Jaret and you might not be able to use these strategies but at least it gives a point to start to think about other ways of dealing with such an intrusive and stressful person.