Scapegoating In The Family And Its Consequence.

[Abstract]

Feel a lot for all of you and relate a lot. :hug: to everyone that needs them.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think I have taken the blame of my parents and it has become a big problem for me. I have so much survivers guilt. I think I have internalized the blame and I need to deal with that. Mabe I will take this into emdr. I have one session left. I was bullied by my parents, they placed too much responsibility on me. It set me apart from the others. They all have more memories than me. I do not know what I did after the scapegoating sessions.

I do not know what I did to comfort me. I started a diary and was talking about my parents in a bad way. My dad found it and made copies and gave on to the school. I do not know what he was doing. I just realized that he must have gone through my stuff on a regular basis. He found a letter from my mom to me and he ripped it up. I never forgave him for that.

I really hated my dad, That is why my sister triggers me. She reminds me of my dad and my grandmother that made me feel yucky. I wonder what causes a person to make another person feel yucky?

I have too much survivors guilt. I need to make some changes. I need to let me off of the hook the parents put me on. I remember a letter from my dad where he said he and my mom put hooks in us and we had to try to find them. He seemed quite proud of that. I am feeling anger towards my parents for making me responsible for the others. I think it has come out of talking about my feelings and I do not think that I ever got angry at the parents for this before. I have alot of sorting out to do.

 

[Tanishq]

:hug: to everyone that needs them.

Big hug back at you,too Abstract. :hug:

 

[Philippa]

My father went into my diary as well Gizmo. It's such an awful feeling...and creepy. How dare he do that! They felt entitled to our personal thoughts and violated our privacy and then made it out to be nothing, as though I were being petty for even speaking up about it. It's not petty.

That was my private place where I could feel safe in the world to tell my secrets...and he went into it without my permission, and then lied about how he got there, telling me the most ridiculously insulting lies that he thought I would not see through, on top of all that. And never even felt the need to apologize, as he justified it in his own mind, and expected me to just get over it as though it were nothing.

I hated him too. I have a love hate thing going on with my father, but it has been leaning more towards hate the last few years. I have lost mostly all respect for him, and he disgusts me with his entitled behavior. I'm not an object and my privacy is important to me. It may mean nothing to him, but that doesn't mean I'm petty for acknowledging that it is important to me.

What a messed up person he is.

 

[Tanishq]

My dad always kept an eye on me and I never felt good with that. He always asked to people with whom I talked and would ask what I was discussing with them. He every time asked me to say what I discuss with people. He would say he has right to do so. Like he owns me. I dislike his freak controlling. It's brainless. It's privacy invasion which is completely unacceptable.

Philipia, people like our dad always stay messed up for some reasons.

 

[Philippa]

Yeah, that is totally unacceptable. He has major control issues. Maybe he is insecure that you speak about him and tell people about how he is towards you? That would be threatening to him if people believed you.

It's hard to trust yourself when you have someone like that breathing over your shoulder, acting like you aren't trustworthy...when it's actually him that isn't trustworthy.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Philipia, I am sad that your dad did this to you. I have so much anger coming up towards my dad. At the time I had no clue of how vile he was. I knew something was wrong, but I was used to it so I just accepted it. I still have problems with this to this day. We did not talk in my family. The parents never got confronted because we were so terrified of them. They did what they wanted and we accepted it. I must have so much anger stored up. I had such terrible nightmares last night. I only have one session of emdr left and I am out of therapy for two months.

I need to be in therapy right now. Talking about my sister really stirred up some stuff. I do not need to feel this way. They are out of my life and it is so much better now. I am so angry at my dad. I have not felt this way is such a long time. The truth is better than denial. I have been in denial with my sister. I do have good boundries with her but I need to do more. I will do it.

I am so angry at my dad. I will have to journal about this. He is gross and disgusting.

My brother three years younger took on the persona of my mom. My sister and younger brother took on the persona of my dad. My sister took on the persona of my grandmother who made me feel yudky.

I am me. I am the different one. I got help for me. I changed and got better. I have a long way to go, but the worst of it is over. My nightmare was of my son going to be executed. It was terrible because I had a little bit of time with him.The feelings were so vivid. I lost my purse in the dream and I needed it to get some stuff for my son. I could not find it. What is the significance of that. Yesterday I was missing my son. In the dream he was innocent but the law had decided. I have read that everyint in the dream or nightmare represents a part of me. I digress. I wish I could figure it out.

All I know is that talking about it is stirring things up. Fresh pain I will journal about this and see what comes up. I was bullied by both of my parents with no defense or advocate. I did have two empathetic witness, both of my grandmothers said it was not right the way I was being raised. We did not talk about it but i treasured their words of truth in my heart.

I had problems with my grandparents after I grew up. I guess I must have changed and was not a little girl anymore that they could control. My whole family was so messed up. I have to make myself feel better.

 

[Philippa]

I think any anger you have is totally justified and you can feel free to acknowledge it, and to re-claim your inherent worth as anger is an emotion that says "that is not ok to do that to me. I'm a human being who is important and what you did was wrong. I'm deserving of much better."

It's an important emotion to have when you are healing, so you can feel safe to allow yourself to feel it. Maybe you can contain it in a mandala...a circle that you draw and paint whatever you feel represent your anger inside it. This is an art therapy technique that I have been taught and that art therapists suggest to their clients. It might help to make you feel better? You might find there are other emotions underneath the anger...like sadness perhaps?

I think if you want to understand the significance of your dreams it would be wise to start writing them, if you don't already, and to start spending some time interpreting any symbols in your dreams, for what they represent to you. I cannot interpret them for you, as that is what goes on in your individual brain.

You're doing really well though, I wanted you to know that. It's hard for all this to be stirring up, but it's really good that it is. Keep going. We're here and you are supported.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thanks Philipia again. I have had to turn off the feelings for a break. I think they come in waves. I believe that hurt lies under neath the anger. My dad was such a creep. He is gross and disgusting. He was a very disturbed indivual. I am so glad that he is dead and he cannot hurt anyone anymore.

I will be gentle with myself today. I will look for diversions and distractions. I will dose myself on feeling. I think you are right about writing about my dreams. I hope I can figure it all out. I have not had nightmares for so long.

But I have new stuff coming up now. My dad was such a bully to kids. He was a big man. He terrorized little kids to get off. He was a sadist and he had his rituals. I am so sick of it. I hated him when he was hitting me. I had no one to talk to about it. I hate that it is coming up some more.

Thank you for your support, it means so much to me.

 

[Britt.f7]

This thing must be making you stay away from your sister

Jaret, thank you for sharing that story with me. I have stayed away from her over the years. She didn't even notice that I wasn't sharing my life with her. I would hear her, at family gatherings, offering advice to people but she would always put her family or herself in a good light. It use to irritate the life out of me. Now, I just roll my eyes. We have spent more time together since my mom got sick and died, though it is slowing down. I still love her. Complicated relationship to say the least.

My father went into my diary

Gizmo and Philippa, I actually gave my diary to my dad to read when I was in 9th grade. I wanted him to understand me better. It had some of my poetry and prose in it to, as well as my anger, sadness, etc. After he finished reading it, he gave it back to me and said, "Do you like being a mystery?". So much for understanding.

My dad was very controlling and still is. I remember when I moved in with him, briefly, he would read my letters from my friends from back where I use to live. He would tell me they didn't care about me because the letter was all about them. Of course it was about them, they were telling me what was going on where they were! He controls everything and I truly think he gets mad at me because he can no longer control me.

I had one understanding adult in my life, my grandfather. He listened wholeheartedly. My grandma, in later years after my grandpa passed, said she use to walk away when my grandpa and I began talking because she knew I could talk to him.

I wish family relationships weren't so complicated. They should be loving and you should be safe. I only hope my boys feel that way and remember it that way when they leave home. I hope that is what I provided for them.

 

[Philippa]

I'm sorry that it is so hard for all this to be coming up Gizmo. I know it's no consolation to read that it is good even when it feels so bad. There's a lot of hurt there, I know. I've been through that too. No one can know how it is for you right now.

I think you've got the right idea to distract yourself. Buy yourself some nice food...I think I remember seeing you like tacos and ice-cream. Do something nice for yourself that is enjoyable and can help you not to stuff these feelings down, but just to put your attention somewhere else for a while. It's a lot to process.

Wow britt...to risk not being understood but want that so much that you would show him, only to be given nothing but more misunderstanding...that must have been so hard for you.

I guess my father wanted to understand me a bit better in doing what he did, and knew I wouldn't be happy about it, so he lied...but he went about it all wrong and created even more distrust in me. He truly doesn't know how clueless he is.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Britt that was very brave and couragous of you to share your diary only to have your private thoughts so discounted and invalidated. At least you tried to show him how you felt. We did not talk about what was going on in our home. I was alone with it, and it sounds like you were very blessed to have your grandfather.

When my daughter had friends over I could tell which ones were abused. I would make comments building them up.But they did not respond. So if there were any adults who saw and heard me I did not respond to them.

I think you were really lucky to have a sympathetic witness. It sure makes such a difference to be validated and loved. What good memories you must have with him. You must miss him so much.


Philipia, healing will come eventually. I will take a break today I have been working really hard and I need to dose and pace myself. I will have a good day. I will do some kind things for me today. I am glad we are going to my daughters house for Thanksgiving. We will have a good time. I do not know how long we will stay because my husband gets sick. He is losing time today so I am wearing my caregivers hat.

Thank you for all of your support, help, and encouragement. It has helped so much.