When You Understand You Didn't Deserve It

[p-no]

Thank you, everyone, for your replies, compassion and hugs. I haven't been in a place like this for a long, long time.

It's a dark, horrible, sickening thing to realise and face. I think you need allow and express your feelings about it, because it is unjust, random, cruel, pointless, senseless and beyond comprehension.

My t calls it a good place. Because I am fully in reality and can see the things for what they are. I'd define a good place differently, but I know what she means. However, I am truly not sure at all whether I can live a life in this real world.

If I didn't have kids, I'd be joining you in Africa.

It's good you have them, Shellbell.

I can't feel any emotional connection to this for myself but have heard that one of the roles self blame has is that it gives us the illusion of power. We have some sense of controlling it as we deserved it. It also gives us a sense of rightness in the world and the world making some sense. Take that away and we realise that we neither had power nor does the world make sense in this context. That is hard.

I agree to this. I went through that, it was true for me. But it's difficult to explain.

A closet sounded exciting to me.

The other day I almost bought a big wooden closet I found online just because it had nothing in it and I could have just sat in it.

 

[p-no]

I file it in the "Shit Happens" file... and conclude, "Now What?"

This doesn't work anymore for me. I'm glad it does for you.

 

[Tinyflame]

((((((Dear p-no)))))))

 

[DharmaGirl]

I just reached that point in therapy. Why was I even born if they were going to treat me like this? Why did no one help me? It wasn't my fault, but I suffered anyway. For seemingly no reason. It hurts so badly that I can hardly function. I was prostituted out when I was 4 - 6 and I didn't deserve it, but it still happened. It brings chaos into my orderly world of I'm a horribly bad person and I deserved it. This is deep soul pain, P-no, and I don't know how to get through it either.

 

[p-no]

It hurts so badly that I can hardly function.

Yes. Today I have hardly been able to move.

This is deep soul pain, P-no, and I don't know how to get through it either.

It is.

 

[p-no]

Last night I wrote a message to my t. It went back and forth three times but then she got what I meant and replied in a way that calmed my immediate inner turmoil.

Today, I am on track, but fragile emotionally. I am focussing on my boundaries and doing what is good for me to keep them in place today. I have closed my office door, which is something people don't like where I work. But I need to have it closed.

I also bought a ticket for a concert of my favorite musician who will be giving that concert tomorrow night. I don't feel up to it much but I hope it will turn into something that feels for me rather than against me by tomorrow.

I'm making an advent calendar for my good friend. I'm listening to music that soothes me. I'm keeping busy shopping for furniture; the driver who I hire here and there for getting the things home is very nice and fun so I hope that tonight will also cheer me up a bit.

I have gotten in touch with two people online, one of whom lives very close to me. Maybe I can make a friend here where I live.

I am mad at S. I hope he'll stay away from me today. He overstepped the line and now, finally, I am really on track with regard to keeping this on a professional level, because now I really want to. I have realized once again, that you don't have to be friends (or more, for that matter) with everyone; if it doesn't work it doesn't work and you should only put so much effort in it that you don't get lost on the way.

Once again, hindsight has it that the only thing that has ever really helped was taking action. Although right now all the action I am taking makes me feel tired, exhausted and sad I hope for the positive outcome just relying on the past and on what hindsight had to tell me this morning on the tram.

Thank you all for caring, from the bottom of my heart. Best wishes to you all.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I am going to follow your lead. I am going to finish deep cleaning my room, then start on the living room. I am going to list more video games on ebay. I am going to make some new diabetic recipes.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

P no I can so relate and identify with what you are going through. When the feelings surface it really makes me so angry. I am feeling this so intensely. I know underneath the anger lies the hurt. I am feeling the anger at my dad more than my mom. He was such a bully. When he would rage I would be frozen in terror and I would just take it because that is what I was supposed to do. I was allowed to feel fear and gulit.

I really feel for you because this is all so overwhelmning. You do the best you can each day. I hope you will feel better soon. My heart goes out to you. I hope you do kind things for yourself today and be gentle on yourself. That is my plan for me.

You did not deserve at all what happened to you. I am sorry you were abused so horrifically. Big hugs.

 

[p-no]

I am feeling this so intensely.

Me, too, gizmo. My t says my emotions are normal but to me they feel so extreme.I guess I don't like to feel. When someone posts on here they go numb I can't really relate. I sometimes want to go numb and it does not ever work.

I would just take it because that is what I was supposed to do.

Spot-on, gizmo.

Thank you, gizmo. I hope it worked for you. It is 10 pm now and I was busy till shortly ago. Now I'm home and all is quiet, my body wants to relax and when my soul wants to join it all that happens is pain washing over me.



I can't come to terms with the fact that I have been running for therapy ever since I was 19, I have worked hard and if there is something I really can't say about myself it is that I have never fought. Back then I thought there'd be a day when all would be over, so to speak. But it won't in a way. I will have to run around with all my memories (and they don't hurt in that sense, not like they did when they weren't processed in therapy) until I die. Those who did what they did to me never had to pay for any of what they did.

I can find a certain comfort only in the fact that they can't have been happy people themselves. But then again, I don't really care.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

When my dad was hitting me, I would refuse to cry out in pain and cry. I would not give my dad the satisfaction that he was winning over me. I cannot cry as a result. I wish I could. But I never fought the parents back. I just took it and took it. I had no place to go with it so I did alot of angry acting out when I was a teenager and hurt my self really bad.

I was alone and I had no one to talk to at all. It has taken me all of my life to get to the healthy point I am at today. I am in the process of rebuilding my life. There are good days and bad days. I am struggling today and so I am giving myself a break in the feeling department. It really hurts on the bad days.

 

[p-no]

(gizmo)

 

[Shellbell]

(((((Gizmo)))))