Ptsd & Relationships - The Importance Of Assertiveness

[Changing4Best]

My best friend and I are both PTSD. I am also Bi-Polar and Dyslexic. I also suffer from a physical illness called Lyme Disease.

Today on Facebook she posted a photo of the puppy that I had to let go because my other dog was unable to get along with it. She had given me the puppy, but was unable to take it back, so I gave it to someone who I knew could care for it well and is doing so. This is the third or so time she's posted his photo on Facebook since I had to let him go.

I replied to the photo rather politely saying that it was not what I needed to see right now and that it made me sad. I was polite, but, a bit firm. NO REPLY FROM HER ON THIS, though she has been posting other things tonight since she posted the photo AND SINCE I POSTED THAT REPLY. This leaves me to wonder if she will do it again, or what. I sure hope not!

Time will tell...

 

[ClearAsMud]

Thank you for referring me to this thread, Bilby.

I am in a relationship with a vet diagnosed with PTSD. What I am most struggling with right now is that the constant stress is causing me to show my weaknesses...I switch between passiveness (easier to give in to demands, ride it out, ignore, etc), to aggressiveness (yelling, lack of understanding/tolerance, even meanness). Being assertive only lasts so long and often degenerates into aggressiveness or passivity, depending on my mood.

Sometimes I let him get away with things that are inappropriate because he has PTSD, a beer is the only thing that makes him feel better, and it just seems easier. Other times I lose it because I've had enough. But mostly I feel like a failure, as things are getting worse lately, not better. Despite giving everything I have to helping him, he is losing his battle. He says I can't fix him, and he's right, but that is really hard to swallow.

On the one hand, I'm so disappointed with myself...I'm supposed to be supporting him and helping him heal, but sometimes I feel like my baggage make things worse for him. On the other hand I'm human too...I'm not a saint, and some of the things he does or demands of me are just not acceptable (mostly because of excessive drinking). It is very difficult now to be assertive and set boundaries after letting so much slide for so long (he's been home almost a year, and we started a relationship right after he returned...I know, foolish, but that's the reality).

I sure hope we can figure this out...I hope we are strong enough to weather the storm...but mostly I hope that the storm is not all there is. We do love each other very much, but I will not go down with a sinking ship if he continues on his destructive path.

 

[saffy]

It is very difficult now to be assertive and set boundaries after letting so much slide for so long

Hi Clearasmud
Thank you for sharing. It must get pretty frustrating and tense for you sometimes eh :)

I read your post with interest. What I believe is that being assertive is not all about getting your own way all the time but about better communication and equal respect and compromise. However, If you have to be assertive it has to be about the consistent boundaries that you set yourself and others.

Does this seem familiar to you? Letting things go or ignoring things for a while until they wind you up or go too far then you let rip and argue or get angry and frustrated about it.

Setting boundaries are the hardest thing to stick too and to assert. It might take some strength and some consistency but setting boundaries puts the owness of responsibility on the other person too. It is not all your job. When you feel upset, angry or frustrated it is normally because the boundaries are being crossed without effective communication to insist on equal respect and effort be made by all involved.

In fact I think that being consistent and setting rules and boundaries will help more often than not because it helps the sufferer from not making wrong or irrational decisions. This does not mean you have to be a jailor or keeper or sargent major but someone who will stick to the boundaries and enforce them in a mature and supportive way :) Hope that makes sense.

Working to change current allowances and lack of boundaries will be hard at first. Watch any boot camp programmes ;) I think the important thing is to not take the negative responses or verbal abuses personally. They are fighting against change not you. Especially if they have had a drink first.
If it is the drink that makes it worse a boundary could be to limit the amount. There has to be consequences also but fair ones, not punishements. SOmetimes just telling someone how much they have let you down or how upset they make you feel when they act like that or that you do not want to be in their company when they get like this is enough.

It is never too late to change or reset your boundaries and work together to stick to them. Giving up or letting go of things that escalate into something more abusive is not going to help anyone.

I hope you find the strength to be strong even in times of doubt or dis-ease.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[ClearAsMud]

What I believe is that being assertive is not all about getting your own way all the time but about better communication and equal respect and compromise. However, If you have to be assertive it has to be about the consistent boundaries that you set yourself and others.

Does this seem familiar to you? Letting things go or ignoring things for a while until they wind you up or go too far then you let rip and argue or get angry and frustrated about it.

Thanks for the very thoughtful reply, Saffy. Yes, this really does sound familiar.

I feel like the stress and need for constant vigilance is making me revert to childish behaviour at times, and I'm really not proud of myself. Something I need to really figure out is where my boundaries should lie. Some days I'm strong and can take pretty much anything, so certain things seem like no big deal. Then other days, every little things seems like fingers down a chalkboard, and I react poorly. This doesn't do either of us any favours.

I understand the importance of consistency, fairness, and compromise...but sometimes my emotions take over and I just don't use my head :( But I'm aware of this and willing to work on it...so that's a good thing! Thanks again for taking the time to help me out :)

 

[saffy]

revert to childish behaviour at times

Hi ClearAsMud,

I understand that totally. I find that I am lost when I do, no idea what to do or what to think so I do stupid things to get me out.

If you think about a child who has no boundaries you can see similar reactions. Fear, confusion, anger or upset. Or all three.

Bounderies can be set so that they are joint or personal. So if you think about what it is that stresses you out or you have to keep vigilant on you can then start making boundaries to help this.

For example, a personal boundary could be about how another person treats you or how far you go yourself. For yourself you can say that if I am spoken to in a way that makes me feel uneasy I can either walk away or tell them that I am feeling uneasy about what they are saying and if they continue you are going to walk away, go to another room, go for a walk till we can talk properly ect ect. Can you stop, explain or calm down ect ect.

So a joint boundary might be that you both will not let things go too far before talking about it and that totally honesty is expected.

By setting those boundaries the other person is aware that their behaviour is making you uneasy and that you are willing to listen but can also stop the conversation where it is.

It makes the other person stop and think about his actions and consequences too. It also tells them that you will not put up with that kind of treatment you deserve better.

For you, knowing that there are bounderies gives you a much clearer path as you can see when they are being broken and do something about it before it gets out of hand.

And this is where we can also start talking about being assertive enough to do this. I think the two go together, you have to assert your boundaries. So learning both these important skills can only be of benefit in a positive way. :)

Here are some definitions that I read often to remind me what the point is.

Dictionary.com

To state or express positively; to defend or maintain (one's rights, for example).​

Game theory

A win-win; you and the other person both get what you want.​

The Assertiveness Pocketbook

Enjoying your rights, expressing your feelings, asking for what you want, stating your views - with integrity, honesty, directness, respect for others.​

Hope that all makes sense :laugh:

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Bilby]

I feel like the stress and need for constant vigilance is making me revert to childish behaviour at times, and I'm really not proud of myself. Something I need to really figure out is where my boundaries should lie. Some days I'm strong and can take pretty much anything, so certain things seem like no big deal. Then other days, every little things seems like fingers down a chalkboard, and I react poorly. This doesn't do either of

I can relate to this. I'm guilty myself of reverting to childish behaviour (i.e. being aggressive by yelling, having my own tanty if you will) and I don't like it either. But I just get that riled up by things that are said/done (or often, NOT said/done) that I'll get my cranky pants on to try and get some attention - anything, some kind of recognition from him that yes, I actually do exist......

It's frustrating. Having said that, we're both working on the communication side of things and that's a good thing. It'd be great if you can get your partner to have a crack at it too, but if he's unwilling to come to the party at the moment, you can at least think about what your boundaries should be and how you can go about setting them. And for the record, I agree with you about how difficult that is when you are used to letting things slide.....

B x

 

[ClearAsMud]

Thanks for the replies, Bilby and Saffy.

My huggy is on a shift away at work, so I've had some days to reflect and mull over some of the discussions and things I've learned here since our horrible Remembrance Day week. I think I have a better understanding of why it was so awful, and have found some tools/skills that can hopefully help us better cope and deal with things.

I'm really looking forward to his return in a few days. He is quite an excellent communicator, and will probably be pretty open to some positive changes and boundaries. I think it will add some stability and predictability to our lives, which will probably help us both considerably.

Our life together is really challenging me - as I say...it makes my cracks show. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise that I can recognize and work on my faults...and hopefully through all this, I can become a better person!

 

[ClearAsMud]

My huggy is on a shift away at work,

LOL, my huggy...that's a funny typo if I ever made one! I meant my hubby, but I think huggy might just stick :woot:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I need help with being assertive. I think staying calm produces better results. Experience has taught me that. I used to blow up on people. I do not do that anymore. I cannot live with the shame and guilt I get when I lose my temper. I like me better when I stay calm. But it has taken me a long time to get to this point in my life.

I think having good boundries is being assertive. I need work on that.

I wish I was farther along in my healing in this area than I am. Interesting thread.

 

[Bilby]

I think staying calm produces better results.

Experience has taught me this, too, Gizmo :)

 

[99Phoenix99]

I have some good news.

I'm going to be coaching a basketball team. Which I'm really excited but also a little worried about. As a coach I HAVE to assert myself. Especially since I'll be coaching a team full of teenage girls between ages 14 and 18. Eesh. This will be the first time I've ever done anything like this.

Since I'm not that much older than them (I'm 22) I'm a little concerned that some ... respect and boundaries may be blurred. I'm not really sure how I should approach this and I want to at least get a game plan going in my head before the season starts. And everyone on this thread has brought up so many great points about setting boundaries I was wondering what your thoughts were on this?

For example I'm having a really hard time trying to figure out what they should call me. Should I let them use my first name? Or go the more authoritative way and tell them they can either call me Coach or Miss B? From "Day One" I know I have to assert myself but I'm wondering what I could say that could do the job... What I should allow and what I shouldn't as far as attitudes go as well. I think that's what I'm worried about the most. If there's a hot head on the team how to deal with that.

I know it sounds kind of lame but ... I just want to do this right. I want to do right by me and do right by them. I want to have fun coaching the team but not be walked all over or be the hated coach that's way too strict.

 

[Bilby]

Wowsers trousers! Congratulations, Phoenix :)

You're right, you will have to assert yourself, particularly with that age group.

In terms of what they should call you - what do you feel comfortable with? I would tend to go with what felt comfortable for you. If they stray from it - make sure you point it out the first time it happens.

As for anything else, I'm a little lost for advice. I'm a Mum, but not quite of kids that age yet, so I'm not sure I could adequately suggest anything about how to set boundaries for a team sport situation of kids that age...

I'm sure you'll do a cracking job - well done :)