Being The One Who Gives What You Don't Have Yourself

[FaerieJayne]

and in that I mean a boundary issue. I have friends who expect so much from me, and in that they expect so much support emotionally. I am to drop what I am doing and run to them if they need me. If I don't it seems they feel like I hate them, and then they reciprocate by not talking to me for long periods of time. I feel I have to be there for them. When I need them for anything remotely comforting, they disappear.

Then, there is this helping part of me that wants to please everyone and make them all be okay. I want everyone to be happy, healthy and comfortable, and even though I cannot give that to myself, I would try and go that extra mile to make everyone happy. Even to the detriment of my mental and physical health. My T is working through this with me.

My T says it is common for survivors of sexual abuse to do this kind of thing. I often give until I break. It has been challenged to me recently that I use it to avoid dealing with my own stuff.

I was wondering if anyone here relates to this in their relationships with other people, and feel like it is all one sided? Like you are the one keeping everything going, giving everyone what you can't give yourself? Do you understand what I mean? Or am I not making any sense at all?

 

[bohemianred]

I think you make perfect sense FaerieJayne. I have similar issues with some family and friends, but depending on the person...I sometimes feel the opposite, as if I take too much...like with my T. Bless her soul.

Sometimes it is easier to give than to receive...balancing is the struggle; we should all have some healthy narcissistic tendencies! LOL

 

[ms spock]

You make perfect sense FaerieJayne!

 

[Abstract]

Yes, I used to do this a lot and had a lot takers around me. For me as I got stronger I realised that I had become complicit and had almost trained people to disregard my needs. I changed and got rid of or limited my exposure to takers. And I improved my caretaking behaviour a lot.

You deserve to be appreciated and supported in an equal way in a relationship.

I think you might also be saying that you give them what you yourself need so like vicariously through them in that way and I understand that too.

 

[Debbet]

I have a very hard time with this issue with my sister. It finally got to the point a few weeks ago that I have had to take a break from the relationship, which is hard. I just feel that at this point that I only have so many resources and I am using all my available strength to stay alive so I can't help carry someone else who just takes and gives nothing back.

 

[FaerieJayne]

That is so good that you recognised that and managed to take time out for yourself. Well done for that!

using all my available strength to stay alive so I can't help carry someone else who just takes and gives nothing back

This is exactly how I feel when I have given too much and neglected myself, and exactly why friendship needs to work two ways. Hugs for you. :hug:

 

[FaerieJayne]

Yes, I used to do this a lot and had a lot takers around me. For me as I got stronger I realised that I had become complicit and had almost trained people to disregard my needs. I changed and got rid of or limited my exposure to takers. And I improved my caretaking behaviour a lot.

I hope that I can also change my exposure to these people. Well done on doing that, and also well done on improving on caring for you. I also need to work on that. :) As for training others to disregard needs, I totally get that. I think that is very true, and I never thought about it like that before.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

There was a time in my life when I could not say the word no. I made my first therapy appointment by just calling for information and they made an appointment for me. I had to go because I did not know how to say no.

I was raised to be the perfect victim. I have had to struggle my whole life. I have no problems saying no now. I wish you the best.

It gets easier with practice. Try to start with small things.

It is not right that you get so taken advantage of.

 

[Dissociated1]

I use it to avoid dealing with my own stuff.

I absolutely noticed the same thing in myself a year or so ago. In my case it absorbing myself on internet forums. In a profound epiphany I realized what I was doing and took a three month break to focus on myself. I am aware of what I am doing now but the cycle repeats itself 2-3 times a year. I realized just recently that I have been doing much the same thing with my journal. Recording notes about my therapy sessions and the things that were going on my life was sucking me dry and I was leaving myself no time to process any of it. My psychologist explained that avoidance is a common coping technique much like the way I had overloaded myself with work and projects for the best part of my life to keep my memories and feeling at bay.

 

[Debbet]

two good points for consideration; "use it to keep from dealing with my own stuff", "giving to others what is not given to me". I recognize that in myself and at times have fretted/worried that I don't have whatever that thing is that others have that allows them to be selfish in a good way. must think on this.

 

[ms spock]

My psychologist explained that avoidance is a common coping technique much like the way I had overloaded myself with work and projects for the best part of my life to keep my memories and feeling at bay.

Avoidance is common coping technique, that I too, have used to overload myself with projects for the best part of my life to keep feeling at bay. Memories I have always had - now I am connecting to the content and emotion attached to the memory.

I am stopping at the moment. I am finding it challenging. I feel guilty at stopping and resting.

 

[ms spock]

I had become complicit and had almost trained people to disregard my needs.

I was trained to this as a child and have done the above as an adult.