When I Get There...

[Thinkingman85]

I have been on Prozac for three and a half weeks and going to weekly therapy sessions for five weeks. Every day I am progressing. Five years ago, I fell into a deep depression. Instead of taking medication, I gritted and beared deep depression and PTSD hoping that it would go away if I did the right things. The depression didn't go away, however. The path that I'm now on actually seems like it is a path that is working. It is slowly reconnecting me with myself. I feel like the depression darkened aspects of myself and the Prozac is reigniting those aspects. Sooner or later, I will be reconnected with myself 100% and maybe more. It just seems like this is the logical way for me to get better again. My concern is that when I am better, which I believe I will be, how will I be able to handle life if I wasn't able to five years ago?

The demands of life made me fall into the deep depression five years ago. It seems that I am putting myself in the same position where I will have to face the demands of life again. This time, I want to be able to handle it all and smile at the end of the day. I will have to deal with the mistakes I've made and my self worth, spiritual strength, and confidence. So, in reality, it is more than likely going to be even harder to face the demands of life because there will be more demands. So far, the best ideas I can come up with to strengthen my character is to continue with Prozac and continue learning coping strategies until I'm "armored" enough with knowledge to take that big step once more.

Any other suggestions? All the best.

 

[Britt.f7]

My concern is that when I am better, which I believe I will be, how will I be able to handle life if I wasn't able to five years ago?

You will have a whole new learning curve. The last five years taught you lessons that you hadn't learned previously. Plus, you are now building yourself up with medication and therapy. You will learn new ways of coping. You aren't the same person you were five years ago. None of us are.

I have suffered from black depression more then once in my life. Before this recent bout, my worst one was 20 years ago. I didn't think I would be able to make it out of it, but I did. I came out of it stronger then when I went in. Yes, in 20 years, I have had bouts of depression, but they were able to be managed quite easily in comparison. I hope to come out of this dark depression the way I did twenty years ago, if not better. However, if it is less life lifting as that one, that's okay. Just so I can handle life again.

I wish you the luck. You sound as if you are getting a handle on things.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Thanks for the response. With the track I'm on, I may be able to get myself out of the black depression. It will feel so weird when I am there because I haven't been there for five years. Regarding my new learning curve, I agree. I think it may be a challenge liking the new person I am going to become. If you have had bouts of depression in 20 years, that's ok. In my stage of recovery, I'm concerned if I will last or relapse into a deep depression again. I was told by my therapist that the mind can be just like a muscle. In order for the muscle to recuperate and get stronger, it has to be torn. You will get better, just stick to the logic, IMO. All the best.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I have suffered from black depression more then once in my life. Before this recent bout, my worst one was 20 years ago. I didn't think I would be able to make it out of it, but I did. I came out of it stronger then when I went in.

Brit.f7, I'm wondering if you could describe how you felt. How did you know that were out of your black depression? Were you a different person? I feel like there is an invisible line that I will have to cross, and once it is crossed, there will be a sense of normality again. I will belong again.

 

[Britt.f7]

How did you know that were out of your black depression? Were you a different person?

Well, I wasn't crying 24/7. I wasn't curled up in a ball on my bed all day. I wasn't thinking about dying as much. I started going places. Started being able to do things. Didn't look at life in a hopeless way.

Now, I've faltered since that time but the darkness has not been as dark. We have been working on getting out of that. I think my meds being adjusted helped, but I know meds aren't for everyone. Compared to even a week and a half ago, I feel like I'm starting to see the light again. I'm getting closer to feeling that I could get out and about and have done it a couple times. This is a good step since I have been isolating myself with the exception of my T appointments. I am feeling hope.

The first time, 20 years ago, I came out more confident(I was inpatient for a month). I found my voice. I could set my boundaries and I didn't fear doing things. Death was definitely not thought about. Personally, looking back, it was one of the most liberating times of my life.

I definitely feel and felt like a different person. Especially 20 years ago. Right now, I'm not quite there but I'm finding my way.

I feel like there is an invisible line

I understand that line. It isn't like there is any line set in stone. I feel like I'm crossing that line now. It's a little thicker then I would like, but I'm getting there. In the end, that is what counts.

I hope you find that line soon.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Thanks for the response. I may have crossed the line today. I feel like there isn't an impediment on my sanity. In the background the force is there, but it's not affecting me. I think the Prozac is continuing to put me on the right track. I'm glad to hear that you are getting better. Right now, I'm just embracing the feeling right now. Hopefully, it's legitimate.