No Memory Of Ages 4-10? I Was Abused As A Child

[smile_empty_soul]

I have come on here for answers, because I posted on Yahoo answers and other sites and I just get abuse off immature people.

I don't have PTSD, but people here seem to be going through similar things, so I might get some advice here.

I'm not going into massive detail, but I am 18 now and when I was younger my father was an Alcoholic and was physically and emotionally abusive from ages 4-8. Before I was 4, he wasn't an alcoholic and was fine, but he started drinking when I turned 4. He was mostly emotionally abusive to me and my siblings and mother, saying things like he would burn our house down and kill us and swear at us. He left when I was about 8, which I remember because I broke my leg at that time when he left.

I can remember a few incidents of abuse, and most of them memories aren't complete, like I may remember something, but I can't remember all of it. But I cannot remember most of ages 4-11, but I can remember things from when I was 2 years old, in amazing detail. I don't know why I can't remember all the way till age 11, since he left when I was 8.

But like I can remember things like him threatening to belt me, even taking off his belt, but I can never remember if he actually hit me with it or not because it seems that the memory suddenly stops at that point. And I have memories of me running from him because he was swearing and trying to slap me, and then I get to a corner of the room and can't run anymore, but then it's the same as the other memory, I don't remember what happened then. Apart from these few memories, I can't seem to remember a single thing.

Can someone explain to me possibly why I can't remember so much of my childhood? Is this related to what happened to me as a child, because I have heard about dissociation and stuff. And will I ever remember things again one day?

I do suffer from Depression and Self harm, and have been on a Psychiatric ward for two suicide attempts.

 

[smile_empty_soul]

Also, I do have alot of nightmares recently. I had a dream were I woke myself up screaming, one time I woke myself up shouting for my mum and I have had weird dreams of rape and molestation, which is weird considering I haven't had sex yet. I actually felt very sexually aroused.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Smile Empty,

Welcome here. I do think you are sure to find much that helps you. I have almost no memories from age 6 to 14 and in a similar way to you. Before 6 I have many memories and then it just stops. I don't think there is any way anyone can tell either of us definitely why that is but I can give you a few ideas.

Dissociation is probably the most likely I believe. It is a way to manage unbearable feelings and situations. There are two different dissociative mechanisms that can cause memory loss. The one is dissociative trance/depersonalisation type mechanism and dissociative amnesia and these are the common ones. The other is personality dissociation and isn't common.

There are also all sorts of debates about repressed memories.

I think it is pretty impossible to know if we will remember anything later. A lot depends on why we can't remember in the first place.

I am sorry this happened to you. You are obviously traumatised and I hope you see a proper trauma therapist. I wouold have been much better off if I had done that rather than seeing the therapists I did before I developed PTSD. You can still talk about what you do remember and how you feel about it.

P.S. Dreams are usually symbolic although they can also be directly linked to experiences so try not to worry and just deal with what you do know. If something more comes up then you deal with that then. Well done for speaking about it all.

 

[smile_empty_soul]

Hi Smile Empty,

Welcome here. I do think you are sure to find much that helps you. I have almost no memories from age 6 to 14 and in a similar way to you. Before 6 I have many memories and then it just stops. I don't think there is any way anyone can tell either of us definitely why that is but I can give you a few ideas.

Ok Thanks. Yeah I thought it could be something like Dissociation. I have never really been able to remember much of my childhood, I honestly thought everyone was like that, until friends started discussing theirs in detail. Then I started to do a little research, and never thought that it could be to do what happened as a child, and then realised it isn't normal to not remember a big chunk like that :/

 

[safenow]

The mind of a child is a wonderful thing. It kept you from remembering the worse of things. You dissociated and another part of you felt the pain or shame or whathaveyou. However, the body never forgets. When you are older, and the body and mind feel safe and comfortable, suddenly a body memory will surface and it feels like you've been hit with a belt buckle. In fact, from time to time you might end up with a large bruise you have no clue how you got. But the good thing is, it goes away quickly. Or you might have a pain in your shoulder and doctor's can't find out why. For some of us who had our arms pulled out of the sockets many times in our youth, these memories are fierce. But know this, it is usually only after you experience a trigger you didn't know you had that the body memories come back.

When the time is right, the memories of those ages will surface. I hope you have a good therapist who can help you to understand them, and keep them under control so you don't suffer. This is one reason I am very careful who I share my past with. Those who don't really understand get curious and want details on everything. They quiz and questions you over every little thing. Some will even plant things in your mind until you begin to believe they are real. Don't allow anyone to force memories upon you.

Safenow

 

[saffy]

I have lost huge chunks of time and can only think that I detach from my feelings and dissociate to protect myself. It does mean there are a lot of unanswered questions and a lot of wondering what if or why and that means sometimes I get so focused on this everything else seems far away or impossible to reach.

It is bleak and depressing constantly thinking like this. Trying to figure out the past can take over your present and affect your future. One thing I learned is to start from now and work on what I would do now and how I would think now and how do I feel now. I try to banish the conditioning and negative thoughts and think about how it should be not how it was or how they think it should be. I am not like that at all. I am me now.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[safenow]

... One thing I learned is to start from now and work on what I would do now and how I would think now and how do I feel now. I try to banish the conditioning and negative thoughts and think about how it should be not how it was or how they think it should be. I am not like that at all. I am me now.

I am happy you have learned that valuable lesson. You are a step ahead of so many who have not learned that yet.
safenow

 

[Ncole]

I had lost a great deal of time and then as I was working through a different traumatic experience I suddenly remembered one thing that I had forgot, I talked through that with my therapist at the time and after that it was like BAM, all of the memories raced to the forefront of my mind and still to this day I am remember things.

When you have things that you think might be a memory, be sure to write it down. If you are in therapy, ask your therapist if you can talk through what you remembered bit by bit, tell every detail and see if anything comes of it. Be sure you only do this with a therapist in a controlled environment though because you never know what kind of things you could uncover. The human mind is fascinating in that, as was said previously, it protects you from things you can't handle right then. When it thinks it is safe, a lot can be uncovered.

 

[saffy]

You are a step ahead of so many who have not learned that yet.

Thanks Safenow.

It is definitely a learning curve and goes to prove it is can be learnt. I think very carefully about any negatives thoughts that come into mind and send them away immediately if they are irrationally based on the past.

I think the main thing is learning to trust my own instincts and actually listen to what I am telling myself and think about them before I act.

What helped me was learning how to relax and meditate to empty the mind of thoughts. I then read a book called 'Practising the power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle . This was a great help is sorting out the wildness in my head. I would recommend it to anyone.

I now have fleeting glimpses of things from the past and most are horrible, so in a way I am glad my head has dissociated to protect me from reliving things.

I can not change what happened in the past so I do not need to keep going over it or try to find it. But I cannot predict the future either, all I can do is work on the now to set the path to the future I want to be in.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[safenow]

I can not change what happened in the past so I do not need to keep going over it or try to find it. But I cannot predict the future either, all I can do is work on the now to set the path to the future I want to be in.

I so agree with you on that. Now is where we have to work on how the future will be.

I do really well by not looking back very often. But then, some idiot gets in my face, and BAM. PTSD is with me again. It is beginning to feel like an old friend, so I don't fight it. I face it, and work through it now.

 

[shoulderblades]

I had a dream were I woke myself up screaming, one time I woke myself up shouting for my mum and I have had weird dreams of rape and molestation, which is weird considering I haven't had sex yet. I actually felt very sexually aroused.

I have similar dreams. I've woken up shouting or calling for help or yelling "No". My nightmares are usually around sexual abuse, molestation and rape, and it's usually my grandfather perpetrating the acts even though he never touched me like that. Not to my memory, anyway.

I've also had really disturbing dreams where my mother is trying to make me have sex with her (she never touched me that way). Every time I've had that dream, I've been incredibly aroused in my sleep and in my dream, but horribly ashamed of it, and I wake up feeling horrible, disgusting, shameful. It touches a raw nerve with how my abuse and experiences of rape have left me feeling, almost like my brain is reliving those feelings but convoluting it with my mother because she was the one person I wish I could have told about my abuse but never did.

 

[safenow]

Practising the power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle .

I just ordered that book for my Kindle. I'll start reading it this afternoon. Thank you for suggesting it.