Relationship How Do You Supporters/careers Understand It..

[Sailorgal]

I am particularly interested to hear from those who live relatively issue free lives(no drama/baggage). Here goes...

How does someone with PTSD get you to understand that something that happened in the past isn't remembered the same way as you do?

When I had my "awakening," I realized how I had been acting was PTSD. I didn't realize the extent of the trauma done to me. So a lot of my lashing out and anger was like remembering a weird movie. I don't remember it as being me at all. A lot of the emotions displayed during those moments don't seem "real" to me. It's like reading a book or telling someone else's story.

I'm not making excuses. It's like I was really drunk and acted out of character. When I say I feel different/I AM different (more in control of my emotions), how do I explain to a nonPTSD sufferer who's never had it tough? Even his friends live relatively "normal" lives.

Trying to gain some closure...I want this person to know I was a completely different person in a very bad place. I wish I could remember things through his eyes. How do I help him see through mine? What helped you to understand?

 

[HollyB]

What helped me to understand was when I explained to him why I was upset with his behavior, and the look on his face told me that he didn't think he'd said or behaved in the way he did, but I am positive he did. His response was actually a little callous, as he said, "I didn't say that" and then "I think you're being overly sensitive because we see it very differently." In my opinion, I don't think his behavior could even subjectively be viewed as anything less than dick-ish. So, it wasn't me being overly sensitive. It was him in that moment, not even knowing he was doing it, and then still thinking it was okay... and I knew that the next day, he'd see it differently. And he did.

The problem lies with the severity though. One of my girlfriends suffers from PTSD as a result of extreme sexual trauma. When she flies into a rage, it's palpably obvious that it's not her, that something else - "the beast" - is in control. With my guy, when he's irritable or snappy, I can't tell if that's just "the new him" or if that's PTSD talking. I find myself giving him the benefit of the doubt more often than not.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Hi Sailorgal,

I know you are not making excuses! And your discription is very similar to why I sometimes feel like I am 'faking' PTSD.

I don't have alot of wisdom to give you, since I haven't been able to get understanding from my surrondings the way I truly need. However, I do think the way you explained it in your post was really good:) So maybe you do know how to do it already!

I still think the human USB port needs to be invented. Woulden't it be nice if you could just plug your reality into him for five minutes? That would give a whole new meaning to the expression 'Walk a mile in my shoes'! He really would, and I bet you, he would understand then :)

Best of luck to you!

 

[Sailorgal]

Holly,

I know that feeling of "i didn't say that." Yes, I got the frustrated looks. As for just being a jerk, it's hard to say cos guys are guys as well! And to take into account difference in personalities. That was our problem too. I have a strong, dominant personality but with the PTSD, anything I mentioned in a strong manner was clumped together. :(

Like your friend acting out like a "beast," he often told me the same thing. I blacked out soooo often. I can be drunk but not pass out. As we got closer, the alcohol really affected me to the point where even being a little drunk I'd black out as if I pounded shots all night! I blacked out a lot even not being drunk. I would get weird headaches - different from hangovers and migraines.

It's weird writing this as it seems like someone i knew long ago and not me.

 

[Sailorgal]

CH,

Ha! If I made such sense, he would've understood! It didn't help that he is a logical person since he couldn't "see" the issue. It's not a linear problem. He would ask what would help. If I said a funny movie, he would expect me to be better and happy. He couldn't understand why I would go off about something better.

It wasn't until I started researching about psychological and emotional abuse that I finally understood my rage and things burning up inside of me nonstop for hours/all night was due to trauma. I couldn't stop the anger or hurt. Uncontrollable.

I like the USB idea! Hey, how about a PTSD simulator? Like they do for driving. Then people can "experience" our abuse. Hmmmm I think we're onto something!!!!

 

[Ricanoland]

I can explain PTSD very well to everyone I know, the issue I have is explaining it to myself, and believing myself.

And your discription is very similar to why I sometimes feel like I am 'faking' PTSD.

I wake up everyday wondering if I really do have it, which is really stupid considering I have been in the hospital a couple of times for it. I don't what is worst not knowing if people believe you or you not believing myself. For me personally, I know sometimes I am saying to myself "yea I got it" and then I am like "grow up, you are just fine" very bi-polar about it and annoying, a bit off topic I know sorry lol.

I know that feeling of "i didn't say that."

>.< I hate when I do that, because it is far too late to change anything, I am looking at them like they are stupid, and they are looking at me like I am just a jerk, it's a very awkward position to be in, and they happen far to often for my liking.

 

[monicaelise]

Trying to gain some closure...I want this person to know I was a completely different person in a very bad place. I wish I could remember things through his eyes. How do I help him see through mine? What helped you to understand?

This is going to sound harsh but there's nothing you can do. He, as your partner, has to want to know and understand. If he doesn't there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Bad place or not, that person was and is you. PTSD is like diabetes, you can control it but it won't go away...and there will always be concessions that have to be made by anyone involved with you if they should decide to pursue a relationship. It's a part of you and, being so, is an aspect of "the real you".

For me, this realization was pivotal in the choice to walk away. I don't fault the man I was with for having this disorder, but as a non-sufferer with all of my own baggage, I had the right to not take on his. This is something that both sufferers and supporters often appear to either overlook or just ignore. No one is obligated to stand by, hear out, support, or understand anyone regardless of what their hearts may tell them. If your ex is a logical person, he may have just "done the math" and come to realize that this life (one with all of the symptoms that PTSD brings into a relationship) just wasn't for him.

I do believe I understood (mostly courtesy of this board) what was happening to my ex and I decided that this just wasn't something I wanted in my life, regardless of whether there was anyone to "blame" for any of it. Each one of us has to make our own way in this life. You can only try to not do the things you did with this one with the next one.

 

[Sailorgal]

He did try to understand, but at the time I didn't understand. I would tell him things and it didn't make sense.

I disagree with your statement that it's the "real me." Trauma does things to people. It's still the sufferer acting out, but some things are there til healed from it. PTSD can be controlled to a point I agree with you. However, much of the hurt between us was trauma I didn't know was there-memories and abuse. He thought it was his fault all along.

I see it depends on where people are at as well. Yes, everybody has a right to make their own choices. But where I was when we met from now are two different people. We are both trying to understand all this.

I believe it takes understanding on both parts. Amy relationship-family, romantic, work...takes give and take. It's not just about "not doing" something. Some people are in relationships where they say ,"that's just how it is" and live normal lives. Takes both parties to come to a mutual agreement.

 

[monicaelise]

I believe it takes understanding on both parts. Amy relationship-family, romantic, work...takes give and take. It's not just about "not doing" something. Some people are in relationships where they say ,"that's just how it is" and live normal lives. Takes both parties to come to a mutual agreement.

Yep. Mutual agreement is the key, and it's not something either party can make happen. Both people have to want it. If he didn't, doesn't, want it there's absolutely nothing you can do to make him. Your original post was about how to get him to see things through your eyes. Well, the fact is he can't any more than you can see things through his.

I, personally, think that's just something you're going to have to come to terms with. Many supporters do understand, really understand, what they're getting themselves into and, because of this, choose to walk away. Again, understanding, was precisely why I decided to leave my relationship. PTSD symptoms may ebb for a while, but I didn't want to commit what's left of my life to someone who I couldn't trust.

Leaving isn't something unique to relationships involving PTSD. Each one of us has the right to leave relationships we find unsatisfactory. It doesn't matter whether the other partner is ill (yes, again, I know that's harsh), we still have the right to move on. We are not obligated to stay simply because the person we're involved is damaged through no fault of his/her own.

When PTSD is involved, there are a lot of reasons for supporters to leave and not all that many (at least obvious ones) that would compel one to stick around. It's a very hard road for a supporter and, if you don't really love the hell out of the sufferer, probably one best avoided.

 

[Sailorgal]

I know what you're saying but just shutting the dor doesn't help anyone. I'm sure you've spent time having to process things. There is nothing wrong, and in fact beneficial for both parties to have come to terms.

I think you're misunderstanding the point. He is trying to understand things his own way and no matter be it together or go our own ways, it's helpful to know what happened. Each of us takes something with us whether we continue in the relationship or not. There are are things where he was wrong cos he concluded it was all my PTSD. Basically, I walked on eggshells and couldn't be mad about anything (i'm not talking blowups). Got to a point where having an opinion (something i was in absolute control of and non-emotional about) even affected him.

I'm glad you found the path you needed to take. I just want understanding for both of our healings-not necessarily to have to understand PTSD itself. We never had a talk to go our separate ways. He just shut me out and is confused. Hope that makes sense. It is hard cos we are madly in love...wanted to get married.

 

[Tinyflame]

For me, ptsd is part of me because it's like Diabetes, it can be managed but (as of yet) there is no cure.

However, 'un-trustworthiness' is not a feature of ptsd. Perhaps untreated, well then yes.

I have often felt monicalise's position as regards myself, it's necessary to protect others from my ptsd. Yet, I don't know. Someone told me once here, "let others make up their minds for themselves. And rest assured they will tell you if it's negative!" I really don't know. :( The more I think about it, then I feel worse or worried.

What I don't understand Sailorgal, is you describe this relationship as being madly in love with each other. But how can walking on eggshells and being afraid to even say an opinion be healthy? :( Also, how could you be yourself, or feel that 'yourself' was supported?

I DO understand, however, dynamics are complicated. Perhaps give it time, and then perhaps both of you will be able to communicate in a more effective, loving, supportive, understanding way. It is true, what everyone has said, that a 'supporter' has to be vulnerable, and there may be too much pain to make it worthwhile. I totally get that. If anything, it's hard to imagine otherwise. But similarly, because of trust and other things, including fear of rejection for the complications of ptsd (even managed), sufferers have a hard time being vulnerable, too. Vulnerabilty often goes hand-in-hand with abuse. It's very very difficult to feel vulnerable and safe at the same time.

I hope it works out, and that you both find peace. Best wishes :hug:.

 

[Sailorgal]

I know people who walk on eggshells cos they don't want to make someone mad. Why? Personality conflicts. It's typical. Like the rule: never talk politics or religion.

You can love, be in love but be on eggshells cos of hurt that's been done. We all go through phases, right? I'm sure where you were when you actually realized you needed help is different to where you are today. Healing is lifelong - cos there is alwats something new.

The eggshells was on both of our parts. Damage that had been done when I didn't know what was wrong with me. To this day, I can't remember why I was as upset as I was, or what triggered it. If you ask me about that thing I got upset about, I may not like it but I 'm not going to lose sleep over it. Many times I wasn't mad about whatever it was...it was my trauma affecting me and I didn't know. As I was coming to grips with things, any little thing that bothered me (like the waiter messed up my order), he anticipated me to blow up uncontrollably...based on PAST behavior. He wanted to believe I was getting better, and he saw it, but it was too raw for both of us.

That's why it's been hard. In any relationship, forgiveness is utterly difficult.