I Am Trying Not To Dwell On The Negative Things In My Past.

[Deleted member 12723]

I noticed that after I read the thread on invalidation, I brought myself down so low thinking about how messed up my family of origin is. I do not want to dwell on them anymore. I have forgiven my mom but not the rest of my family. I wonder if that is part of the problem. To come to acceptance of them as they are. I am struggling with this. But it really changed my mood and I was feeling pretty good before that.

I am so tired of dwelling on negative things. I understand grieving and the need to grieve. This is different. I only have one sister left, the rest are dead to me. I only have phone contact with my sister. I have not forgiven her for some things she did to me. She is toxic to me. She is very sick and I do not know how long she has to live so I am not going to cut her off from me entirely.

I have to keep my distance. Has anyone had any success in letting go and accepting their family as they are and are not bothered by them anymore? I am wanting to be free of my family of origin and if anyone has any tips or advise on letting go would be greatly appreciated.

My sister and I are not more than superficial. I do not confide in her nor have I for years. I will miss her when she dies because she is my sister.

I want to focus on the positive and keep it that way. Do I need to forgive them for the peace of mind and heart I am looking for? I have a sinking feeling that I have to for what I want. I never thought of me as bitter but mabe I am after all. I hate them for being so messed up and messing me up so bad. I have hard feelings against them. Mabe I need to write many letters to them and not send them because they are dead. Thanks in advance.

 

[Sailorgal]

Dear Gizmo,

Forgiveness is tough. You will know in your heart when you are ready to forgive and let it go. It doesn't mean you should overlook her behavior or not have boundaries when you do forgive. It is healing but you need to be healed first.

I admire your courage to even consider this with all you have going on. You have such a big heart!!!! Don't operate on guilt. Do what's best for you. Don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow has enough in it's agenda. :)

Big hugs to you super Gizmo!!!!

 

[anni]

Oh my, Gizmo, I must click on every, single 'Forgiveness' thread there ever has been on this forum- it's SUCH a confusing subject to me. For what it's worth, there are some excellent brains at work here- maybe tooling around some of the old threads will give you some direction? I'm not being falsely humble, have to say mine is not one of them. It's another facet of life which eludes me mostly, perhaps it's the definition, perceived definition- the letting go- whatever. I hurt. A lot, others incomprehensibly used their weapons on purpose to DO these things. It gets long. I think in forums like this all we can do is offer what 'works' for ourselves, sometimes- everyone's different so it'd be frustrating to say DO this or THINK this way and allll your pain will dissolve, you know?

It's too big for me. My T says nobody is asking me to have them over for dinner, or trust them again, or like them as people. Good thing, huh? He says I WILL eat myself alive not to forgive- he's correct. My personal belief system includes the existance of plain old evil- a REALLY helpful book for me has been M. Scott Peck's ' People of The Lie'. If you can, read it? it's basically about how lost humans become building their lives on lies, how the entrance of evil occurs- this from a trained academian. ( I do not like all his summations- it's still very, very good. ) My point being, if I can recognize the evil there, I can pretty much give THAT over to God, and the person, and just say 'TAKE IT', in a big ball of painful wax.

I'm not at all religious, nor am I New-Age, was raised in the church ( Lutheran ), do not know what I'd do if I didn't believe. It's as much a part of me as green eyes. Am at least at the point where I can say ok, it's not an excuse but a reason- evil exists, God Bless these people, heal them, Thank You because I am not one of them.

What an awful, awful way to live-being one of 'them'. Poor, deluded, hopeless souls- torment others as they will, never to 'win' a thing other than more torment themselves, truly. Plus they did NOT get us, which is something evil just hates. Wounded horribly yes, but still here. So I can reason- God, take these people, do what you can for them please, keep me and others safe from them- set us all free forever and ever amen. I kind of look at 'forgiveness' as 'freeing' myself, rather than including these people in my normal life and thoughts.

Of course, this sometimes includes using a visualization where they're encased in a massive diamond and angels bury them under large mountain formations. We all have our varying successes with the whole forgiveness thing.....

 

[Ayasha]

I, sadly, do not have any suggestions either. But I WILL pass on something my friend told me; her experience was not like mine but when she was going through a hard time she had to find a way to forgive a family member for uprooting her life.

She told me that forgiving someone is really hard, and it takes time but once you find a way to do it you typically feel better. She did, at least. She didn't tell me how she did it, probably because she wants me to find my own way of doing this but it DID give me hope that one day I can forgive most, if not all, of the people who have hurt me in my life.

 

[Britt.f7]

Has anyone had any success in letting go and accepting their family as they are and are not bothered by them anymore?

Hmmm, not letting them bother me? I'm afraid this is not going to happen because, for me, there will be times when they do something to remind me of our differences or past hurts. They are human and I am human and hurts are bound to happen.

I truly believe people, for the most part, do their best in life. Unfortunately, their best is not always what is best for us. Knowing this, and the fact that these people chose how they were going to be a long time ago, I am not going to change them. That is something a counselor told me once. That I can't change them, but I can change how I react to them. It is so easy to get caught up in old behaviors when dealing with family. I remind myself that I am not them. I can be different and it is okay.

Forgiveness is another thing. It's hard to define. I guess, once I realized their limitations and that they would never be the person I either wanted or needed, I was able to move beyond. I'm not sure they'd want my forgiveness. I'm also fairly sure that they would hate what I just said and become indignant. That I can't control. Unless they bring it up, it will not be discussed. It is enough for me to know.

Whatever you decide, know it is for you, not them. That is part of what it takes to truly let go.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you Sailorgal. I will do it for me. It does not mean that I will forget what happened. That would be foolish. I want to do this for me. I need peace. I am weary of being tortured and tormented by the memories and I do not wish to live the rest of my life dwelling on the bad that has happened to me. I know I have alot going on, but this is really important to me. I want to do this for myself. My sister does not have to know about it. We will never have a conversation about how she hurt me I do not think. Unless it comes up which I doubt. I want to do this for my own healing.


anni, thank you so much for your response. Thank you for pointing out that my pain will not dissolve and go away. I will continue my research on the topic of letting go. Mostly that is all I want to do. Let it all go. I will not forget what happened to damage me. The damage done was a percived betrayal on their part of me. They do not see it as a betrayal of course.

I so appreciate what you had to say. I will use some of what you said to help me on this project.


Ayasha, thank you for your help. I do want to let go of the hatred and the bitterness that is making my heart so hard inside. I am glad that it can be done. Thank you for sharing what your friend said to you. It gives me hope too. I will never forget. But I so long to let go of the bad that torments me. I so want to be free of it all. It is in the past and it is robbing me of my todays. I am so fed up with this. I see letting it go as the only way to free myself from this bondage to the past hurts.


Britt thank you for your response. You are right. My sister has it in her to hurt me again. I have very good boundries with her but she is herself and not working on her recovery. She has ptsd and is untreated. She has gone to therapy but it did not help her very much at all.

So I will remember what you said about her hurting me still. I need to accept her as she is and maintain my boundries and take care of myself. I can change how I react to her. That is within my control. I am one big ball of hurt. I will have to take my time on this. There is no quick fix. Thanks for telling me the things you did. That is just being realistic.

I will take my time doing this. I will work on this for as long as it takes. I am tired of carrying this baggage around with me. I need to be cleansed of the pain. It is a burning fire that just recycles around and around.
I will do this.

 

[timid_flower]

I think forgiveness is such a difficult subject. I've recently been reading the book "The courage to heal''. In it, there is a whole chapter about forgiveness and whether it is necessary to heal.

I really like what it says. It basically says forgiveness is a personal matter. It says that what's truly necessary for healing is to come to some resolution on what happened and what it has meant in our life. To make peace with our past and move on. We must all find our way to that resolution, but it doesn't require forgiving our abusers. Some people get to a point in their healing when they are able to forgive, others don't.

Maybe you are at a point where you're ready to forgive them, but if not don't force yourself into it. Do what feels right for you dear Gizmo. Best wishes :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you timid flower for your response, I will not force myself. I realize that some things are unforgivable. I will have to take my time on this one. I want to be honest about the process. I want to feel clean of it all. I am so weary of carrying the bitterness and hard feelings around. I want to get rid of those things. I know it will not be easy and I will have to do alot of journaling on these things. Thanks for telling me not to force it. I think God wants us to get better before forgiving.

 

[Abstract]

Oh Gizmo. I am sorry. It is very hard.

You say you are in that place with your mother so maybe you do know how to get there. Maybe it will take more work but I have no doubt you can do it.

I am so confused about what I have and have not done so wont discuss my family in general but I do think I have reached that place with my sister mostly. It feels different and has done so for about two years now. I don't feel comfortable with the concept of forgiveness but I think for me what works is "acceptance" and as you said "letting go". I think the biggest things that helped me do that is full acceptance of who she really is both good and bad. And having appropriate strong boundaries in place so that I feel safe in how to have a relationship with her in the now but safely. If I was still feeling in danger it wouldn't work. I also think I had to stop turning everything in on myself all the time. That is something that I cant seem to do with the rest of the family even though it happens on a deep level.

When I truly accepted her for who she is then I went through a lot of mourning for what out relationship will never be. I love my sister very much and she me but she has been a very unsafe person for me in the past.

I am glad you are going to be patient with yourself! :tup: I guess whenever we feel awful we also get rid of some of that pain inside us (as long as we dont start self abusing) and that is painful but a good thing. Hugs.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Oh Abstract it is so hard. I will take my time. I will write letters that I will not send. I will try to see my part in it. I have to grieve the great loss of the fantasy of the happy family. I tried so hard to get them interested in therapy but was unfamiliar with the family dynamics and the rampant denial.

Knowing what I know now I would have handled things alot better. But I cannot and will not beat myself up over that. I did the best I could with the info I had at the time. I need to be responsible for my part without beating myself up. I have to hold them responsible and accountable and keep my boundries firm.

It is more of a letting go than a forgiveness. It is a highly charged situation. I just want to let go of it so it does not hurt me anymore. It is what it is. I cannot change them, but I can change myself. I want to have a layed back attitude with them.

I just want to be free of the enmeshment and entanglements which smack of hidden agendas for me. Any way thank you for responding and helping me.

 

[Sailorgal]

I just want to be free of the enmeshment and entanglements which smack of hidden agendas for me.

You had such a beautiful day with your grandbabies. Love yourself today, the you that is getting stronger, the you that is still hurting and broken inside. Love yourself the way you love your little ones, the way you love your husband.

The pain does get easier. You will learn to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. You will get tired of being tired. Allow God's love to heal you and comfort you. :hug:

 

[anni]

That was just lovely, Sailorgal. Funny, phrases which should be 'pat' really, really are not. They're completely true- didn't quite realize that until I read that. Not that there's anything 'wrong' with anyone one way or another if we're not at that point yet, at least being able to recognize how pretty it is, in that way Truth has of being beautiful, means the healing is around here somewhere.

I do know what you mean about the endless hidden agendas, allll the cr*ppy tentacles intended to keep hauling us the h*ll back in there. God. Endless endless endless, what they'll come up with to just keep POKING at you with hurtful, poisoned sticks, or hooks, really, so they get to reel us in. THEN pretend it's all in our heads, to make it seem it's alll us, we're the folks engaging all the hate instead of attempting desperately to flee. The mistake would be trying to make sense of any of it- or any of the 'thems'. They'll never, ever, ever tire of it, it's their food, their reason for living, really. Their entire world is set up, like Jenga, take away any element of the false structure- there it all goes.

Think I didn't quite mean to imply the pain won't dissolve- it kind of does sometimes. It's a dumb. stupid world- theirs, waking up every morning kind of plotting how best to squish someone, pitiful, for real. Not one thing we can do about what they think/feel/do/intend. When I can remember to be that balanced, to let them just GO, disengage as if they were any other pitiful example of broken humanity one sees on the planet, the pain does dissolve at that moment. Whatever it is they wish for me, lie about me, do to me and indeed ( believe me ) have done to me, I'm NOT ONE OF THEM. Feels good, you know? Forgiveness, for me, is in that-letting them go, seeing who and what they are as broken people themselves- don't know if that's a correct perspective or not.

If I ever reply and it makes you feel worse, please say so?? Gosh, so easy to sit on my sofa and blah blah blah what has been the case in my life, might be incredibly frustrating to listen to if it's all stuff you've worked through already. If so, please excuse? Everyone's different, not cool to 'tell' others what to do,don't mean to, like some Life expert. You're just cooincidently hitting some nerves with real-time life here, can you tell? :)