Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Deleted member 12723]

Thanks Junebug for the encouragement on keeping the tree. I have it plugged in and it is cheering me up.

 

[Sailorgal]

It always comes back to the same thing, speaking up or out is met by squashing down, or nothing at all. I think (well I know) I have no voice, very little say in my own life, I guess that's called invalidation.

Awww Junebug! It's such the common thread of frustration. All abuse involves not having a voice and having things forced down our throats so to speak so that is why it's soo critical to be heard. Know that you DO have a voice - not every audience loves us, some are apathetic. But hey, if they are in our midst, it's a risk they have to take!

As you take care of your patients, I hope you can express your voice bit by bit. They know what it's down to feel down emotionally, physically...some probably don't get much support from their family and friends the way we do! I hope you can see the opportunities around you. Sometimes meeting strangers for one minute makes more of an impact than people we know our whole lives. They are open and nonjudgemental. I have been on the end of plane rides, bus rides, standing in check out lines and one simple "hello" turns into a crying fest. I always used to hear, "I never told anybody," or "I'm sorry to tell you all this, it just came out," or even more sad, "there's no one I can talk to." Sadly, I never had tissue on me to give them which brings chuckles to both of us while snot is hanging down our faces! I always wondered why it was me that got "these people." I use to avoid eye contact because I was always the one that got STUCK in those conversations! Now, I understand and more than happy to listen - even in the middle of the street under the rain. And come to think of it, one of them may have even been you. For every person who seems rough and bitter, there is a sad story behind that cement wall. I don't know why I just remembered all of this. And Thank you for your smile J. :D

 

[nimkekaa]

All birthday wishes for you Junebug have been moved to chit chat, Happy Birthday Junebug to keep this thread on track. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Happy New Year nimkekaa, and thank you for all your hard work! (Abstract was sneaky, :inlove:, I blocked my birthday but spilled the beans after. :) ) Congratulations to you on the moderator spot! I hope we (I) don't make too much work for you! :hug:

Yes gizmo, do whatever makes you happy. :) :hug:

You sound like a very special person Sailorgal (and well that I know :) ).

No, I should have known better I don't have a voice. (That was just misplaced hope.. or too many cookies? :) ) Speaking up in real life just makes things worse, or confirms what a burden it is/ I am. I've tried to tell myself at some level it's otherwise, but it's more than confirmed.

Yes, the people I see have a voice, and usually more family than I do. I understand well (I believe), the difference between the exterior and interior. (With the caveat, of course, that unfortunately sometimes the people have lived and treated others like people on this forum have described their parents treated them :( ). But ya, I try to give, not judge, leave feeling like I've given blood every shift, so I guess (hope) I've given something.

But no, I haven't met you yet, though that is my loss. :) Big :hug: 's , xoxox.

 

[Tinyflame]

To be honest SG, unless you're familiar with this field, it's very different from what appears on the outside. As a co-worker said once, each 'patient' thinks they are no work, and very much feels entitled. They do not have the inclination (for the most part) to care less about others. Most ask me at 11:00 pm if I'll be there at 6:00 a.m. Similarly, most call the workers fools, because they are aware of what the work involves, and how it damages our bodies. Which it has, and will.

But, it pays (some of) the bills.

I have been unloved, or 'unlovable', since birth, and have never experienced something different. Evidently, the fault is mine, as everyone else can't be wrong. I find the frustration is in someone telling me how different it is, or will be. No, it hasn't, and it won't. I can't wait til it's over, frankly, and I somewhat resent people who say that's 'wrong', in that they don't walk in my shoes. I don't think they would walk in my shoes for long without taking that action. Not sure what I did, but must have been born very defective, without hope for change. :alien: It's not a 'mood', it's the reality.

 

[Abstract]

Hi ((((junebug)))):inlove:
Hugs to you if OK.

Don't feel obliged but it may be worthwhile trying to break the situation down with the cognitive behaviour therapy steps.

Take care. Sorry you feel down.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's ok Abstract, thanks anyway- who needs to read this, nothing to break down. Reality is what it is, and CBT to try to convince myself otherwise is just a fantasy game, as per myself. I am alone from the top down, even God wasn't interested, lol. You know, I was a 'mistake' since birth. I mean really- an 'accident'. :mask: I throw in the towel. If I was made for anything, it's just a 'work unit'. It's a phony existence, and I am surrounded by the same. I'm tired of hell on earth.

Hugs always thanked for, hugs back for you. :hug:

 

[Sailorgal]

t's very different from what appears on the outside

Dear Junebug,

No I've never worked in any type of social services in my life. I was never attracted to it nor any opportunities come forth. However, I understand as being in a hospital for 2 years of my life taking care of a loved one (seen the good and side of treatment), rehab for a few months, and all my friends at one point were nurses, teachers, and caretakers (pediatric and adults - one friend says she will never work with adults, only kids because they're awful!), I have seen/head the grueling side of what your job does and yes, how ungrateful and inconsiderate patients can be!

I have friends that have major back problems, herniated discs due to lifting patients, cursed at and spit at, humiliated by family, ordered around like a slave, etc. Sigh....yes all too familiar. So I hear ya. ;)

Aside from the wonderful job, still, you have a voice. Somewhere...it is frightening when we've had our hands slapped one too many times. I'm not saying those negative thoughts aren't going to be there and yes it's been a horrific upbringing for you - who wouldn't be scarred! But you are a fighter. Maybe you don't feel like Rocky, but you are there. You care about yourself, but you gotta love yourself more than you do your emptiness and hurt. You are special to me and everyone else here! Just gotta believe it for yourself! :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you SG for your kindness, xox.

No, I don't blame the people and their feedback (currently) is usually the opposite of negative. And beyond anyone who chooses to humiliate or abuse, well in the patient's case it's easy to recognize dementia, frustration, etc., especially the progression of what is not yet even been diagnosed. No matter how anyone acts (out) I try not to judge it or add a further negative, no matter how I feel.

I worked with children for 2 1/2 years (oncology), very gratifying but abhor hospitals and it was too painful emotionally to continue it, at that time.

I can't control, or better put, I don't affect, how or what anyone else thinks or does, my only option is how I react. Which won't be how I feel (hopefully), as no one needs that, the other people don't care, and I am left feely badly if I do. Even writing here is what others could call 'verbal vomit', how gross is that. So, nothing is accomplished.

Any trust is gone, however. It was just misplaced though. I was wrong to trust. Who's fault is that? Well, of course only my own. So any feelings I'm left with, are solely my fault. No one else's fault if I'm to blame for the confirmation of what I knew already, in my heart, and risked was not so but was.

No, there is no such thing as a silent voice. It's like screaming in a nightmare and nothing comes out. I've 'voiced' what I think, or to a degree what I've felt, and why. Logically, trying to be sensitive to others, with explanation. I've asked questions. I've tried, I really have. I am not heard, or not understood, or more likely not worth a response. [Not here, of course, here the people (including yourself, and Abstract, Giz, etc, of course, all of you) have been too kind, well over-and-above what even being polite or kind could call for. And that is in response to this- where there is nothing really to say- I get that, I really do. I don't expect anything much can be said].

It is what it is, and trying to change it is futile. So I am not going to bother or desire it. I am at the end of the line anyway.

I am glad to hear about your job search, I feel you have a good perspective on it and I hope that you will be able to work where it provides what you need but is also an enjoyable and gratifying environment where you can use your skills and enjoy the work itself, in a really pleasant environment.

Thank you for your kindness. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

You see, what is funny is that I myself can recognize, it was exactly this way as a child, or when the ptsd was starting, my attempt to prevent it I guess, 30 years ago, or perhaps as a child too, same end result. Well, for sure that'd be triggering, (the past-affecting-the-future, as it were), I recognize that. That is where one *could* use CBT.

But it's the same, it's always been the same. Thirty, or forty years, nothing is different. That is the present, not related to past triggers, just the same. Try, same end result, pitiful reminder of 100% uselessness of trying. Nothing has changed. Just re-living or repeating the same useless endeavour. If anything, I thought it was restricted or explained by being a child (when I was), and/ or family dynamics, and/ or family circumstances/ grief, etc., and or because I didn't speak up. But it's not contained to that. It's all-inclusive or all-encompassing. The reason is just 'me'.

 

[Tinyflame]

There was some consolation in thinking it was because of being a child.

And I've relied (heavily), well up to this, obviously it won't work any longer, on that EFB grounding cognitive technique, to feel safe, remind yourself you are because 'now' is different, you're safe 'now', you have a voice, resources, things are different.. (etc etc). But actually, they aren't.

 

[Sailorgal]

But it's the same, it's always been the same. Thirty, or forty years, nothing is different.

Wow Junebug, we actually come from similar backgrounds in terms of our "voice" experiences. As a child, I was not allowed to state my opinion (culturally and age of course - respect your elders, right?), but there were a few instances when I was young where I was a witness to events, one time I was the actual victim, YET law enforcement completely IGNORED me. Even telling them, "Hey, I was the one that witnessed it. You should be asking me!" They gave me the brush off of, "You'll have your turn." And even when persisting, they just ignored me - JERKS!!!! Yeah, I hope they got their share to know what it's like to be SHUT DOWN. Some people have to have it thrown back at them to realize what a$$ holes they really are.

As for not being different, I can say I have been on both sides. I know exactly where you're coming from. You can't change people no matter what. It's not easy, but you CAN change things - like your said, how you respond, but also, HOW you say things makes a difference. If it wasn't true, then psychology wouldn't be studied. I can ask something to someone in two different ways - asking for the same thing using different words, but get different responses. I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong. I'm simply saying that alot of communication is perception. It's like the 5 ways to show/receive love or whatever it is. When we write things down, we actually see what we are saying but intention may be off since we don't see facing gestures and voice inflection. Verbally, it's body language including the eyes and tone of voice. Really interesting. Some people are stronger communicators on written than orally. Sorry for the tangent, but wanted to just lay that background to that especially with PTSD, we don't always realize how we are coming across. We are already paranoid or don't get a rats, so we are not really gaging the person watching us accurately. The rose tinted glasses.

More often than not you will find people not responding in a way that lets us know they actually respect what we're saying because for one, they may not understand themselves and don't want to be stupid, or they think we are stupid and being disrespectful, or (depending on the situation) they simply feel awkward. I'm venturing to guess it's a combination for everyone. You say something, someone responds, you take it a certain way (the way they intended it or not), you respond accordingly, they take it a certain way and respond back. Ah! Gotta love humanity.

I personally think MOST of the frustration is that the wall has already been built so high, it will take a demolition for it to be any different. And I beg to differ, you HAVE a voice. Just because someone doesn't want to listen doesn't mean you can't speak. :)

Ah Junebug.....where are the mojitos when we need it!

Thanks for the encouragement. I've got a 2nd interview coming up and I'm trying not to get too caught up about it. A part of me says not to mention it to anyone. Sigh......