My anxiety was due to trying to get my documents together. Oh it's a mess......I need it for the interview.. I'll keep you posted ..
I'm not sure if you just think too much about what people are gonna say or if you just aren't sure how you might come across. In life, it's always a gamble how people may take things. Yes, the history of the relationship and having PTSD really louses things up and makes it difficult to focus on the here and now without digging things up in the past. PTSD puts us on super high alert - much more paranoid than if we didn't have it.
Don't we all Junebug. If only we did this. If only we did that. If only, if only, if only.....
What I noticed was different for me was my communication verbal and non verbal. Before PTSD, my communication was very clear. After PTSD, it was like those gumball machines.
I think one of the challenges with healing and moving forward in PTSD is that the other people have a history with us that is hard to overlook, especially if they have it themselves. How do you move forward to a healthy relationship with them when everything reverts back to what they saw years ago? I believe that is one of the hardest problems between you and your sister and maybe others. Because our perception is a bit skewed, who knows how we really come across. If we saw ourself in a movie now, would we really believe we were thinking that way at the time? It doesn't help when people aren't supportive. We don't need to be right, just accepted and acknowledged. But unfortunately PTSD puts us in a "victim" mentality and I believe it is much more obvious than you realize. Your friend is very gracious to you. Thank goodness for his generous heart. But I'm sure he will also say that as much as it's worth to be there for you, he isn't going to say it's the easiest thing to do.
Dear Sailorgal, thank you for your help. When is the interview (what day)? I am saying prayers you find what you need! Were there circumstances in which they were misplaced? Usually they will give you some time to produce what is necessary, when they want you on board. Can you get another copy? Needless to say, I'm praying you find them, and have what you need. Please do write back and let me know. :hug:
Oh SG. I don't think I was writing to express anything particular, more like a summary. I think I may have expressed it poorly (or incompletely). It's either not quite what I meant, or I will try to think more deeply on what you've said, to see if I'm avoiding something or don't understand.
You see, (what I meant to say), is that denial re: the ptsd is silly for me, because I've lived with the consequences for so long! I recall finding this forum, it was such a positive to be able to identify with others' experiences (mostly to be able to say what I found helped me, and might possibly help them.) And to see how virtually any subject could be approached here.
Yet, it's just ocurred to me, how bad 'this' (or my own behaviour) has been.
I have tried, actually, to not say anything (outside of the forum) much to anyone, that is my nature. My friend I did ask for help (but he was an anonymous stranger at first, was an e-mail), back in 2006, I never thought it would not remain anonymous. Somehow he put it together- never said 'how'. At that time, and until 2008, it was as regards guidance what to do in a particular situation. But he is in a helping profession (and quite frankly, I fear he just should have then or now turned me away, but he didn't want to say that). Well, life went on, a relative needed 8 surgeries in a short time and was given a short-term prognosis to live, different things (than that) happened. I said those things (asked for prayers, too). Well, come 2008 I melted down after a happening. I didn't say about that. Well, in a couple of months there was a book left outside- (hope this makes sense)- upshot was I eventually (cannot recall when), said about the SI, because we both saw the book and that was the topic (the title). And on stuff went. I said things I swore I'd take to my grave. Mostly to try to get myself together and be honest, and to try to stop the SI.
I don't care 'how' others view me- well, of course I do, but if the shoe fits and I've earned a negative response, well that's not their fault but mine, just 'facts', even. I meant, telling anyone about S(I)- well I know anyone 'normal' - or even anyone for that matter- it's a 'creepy'/ gross/ yucky topic. Similarly, because it is, I meant I promised not to so that my friend would not ever think about it again. I was trying to be less of a burden. I guess by last year, I told him about the ptsd.
Well, I've struggled like crazy to get my act together, and then it started to hit me.. all this 'stuff'.. perhaps it is too much for anyone at all to bear hearing, no matter how much I still kept to myself (but the damage is done). I know I can't rewind the clock, or life. I never intended to say anything, over time things 'fell out', almost. I realized on New Years, that I have been so busy putting out fires, I haven't recognized the cummulative burden it's been. Much as I've always realized it's burdensome, and negative, or yucky. I asked whether that was regrettable, not to be told otherwise (reassured not, I know it was likely each time), but for the truth. Because I felt if I heard anything it wouldn't be a lie (he would tell me the truth if he chose to answer, which I gave up on, actually- thought even the question was a further biurden). But I did so (asked) with the obvious foreknowledge I couldn't go back to the past. I wholeheartedly agree it's not only 'not been easy', but undoubtedly been horrendous, for him to have been burdened by that. Though so many miraculous things have occurred- such as my aunt lived 2 years instead of 6-8 weeks, etc. But I still hoped he would answer. Because as much as I'm thankful for everything/ all the help, if it was as burdensome as I fear(ed)- regrettable- then it's my responsibilty to never do it again. It's a burden on another to be told information, sometimes. That's what I meant about the SI. :( Because I'm prone to defaulting to negative thinking, I asked to know if I should just be 'happy', and thankful for all that's happened, and the help. Or, conversely, to realize that the ptsd and myself have left me very selfish; to me, sharing what I have has been very selfish. (And if I will always have ptsd, then maybe I should make myself scarce because maybe I won't manage it well enough. I didn't say that, though. That's just realistic- protecting others from 'myself'.)
And yes, you are right, he hesitated and said he had to read it again, so yes it's been difficult/ burdensome (Lord knows, that I know, and knew already). But I do believe (only because he said it, and more than once), that he doesn't regret it. Because he said that. I try to give him credit to believe it.
I don't really have an 'adult' pre-ptsd time, so I can't recall 'being' different or someone else, or even for the most part entirely symptom-free (except it really nose-dived in 2008). My sister and I, we have our history, and yes, Oh God- those past triggers. But most is within the present. I think we both try not to concentrate on the past or hold resentments, though she has expressed things from the past she does not forgive me for. Fair enough.
To be honest, much is just the differences, when drinking is part of it, also. But I try to give her credit for her feelings, as well. Though I've told her little, I (also) may be a burden to her (with and without my ptsd) in other ways.
But, I have no regrets as to the Big Picture, with her, either. I would rather have been and be there, despite everything. Certain individual 'happenings', well I wish I wasn't. But no regrets for me, either.
I have to say, for all of it, I haven't felt like a 'victim' (mentality). I have felt stripped, defeated to the point of no-strength, and horribly vulnerable despite all efforts, since 2008. But, I have been Blessed by help, so much, including this Forum, too.
It's that I hope to concentrate on, provided its not unfair to others to think of it that way, because of the burden I've been. But to give them credit, even my sister for putting up with me, too. That all their hard work or kindness and help carrying my burden(s) with me, has produced some pretty amazing results. Because I'm not a great poster child for success or worth, but I have been in such bad shape and so 'un-helpable' it's miraculous I'm here. Thirty years has taken it's toll. But I am thankful for others sharing their strength, guidance. Forgiveness, too. Most people wouldn't, they
would just judge it or regret it, not be kind. And rue the day I ever appeared, or they got stuck with it ('me').
Big hugs dear SG- nope, bring on the mojitos (of course ;) :) ) :hug: .
