Awkward?

[WhiteLady]

Hello -
I wondered, do you find that you are generally a repellent of human contact? I try to emulate the behaviour of those around me, but I seem only to be met with awkward, monosyllabic responses or ignored completely. I´m not a very social person, and I often find reasons to be misanthropic, but I would like to learn the art of 'BS-ing' that the world around me seems so good at. Without sociality and/or charisma, I fear I´ll never get ahead in life.

 

[safenow]

Please don't become one of those BS type of people. The world already has enough phony people who BS rather than care. Just my opinion.

 

[WhiteLady]

Safenow -

The manner in which you say it sounds appealing (and I do agree with you*)) But can you excel in life while being yourself?

 

[Sailorgal]

I think the first thing to recognize is that your trauma and PTSD makes you feel far worse than you appear. Someone may/may not notice how repulsed we feel. It's tough enough not feeling "normal," but it's another constantly being paranoid about what others are thinking.

It's about how YOU feel. It's about being accepting of yourself first - scars, wounds, insecurities and all. :)

 

[Abstract]

I think being genuine (taking into account what is appropriate in any situation) is always the best plan of action.

When it comes to drawing people to you and engaging with them what works and helps is to put yourself in their shoes and think if you can make them feel more at ease and engaged. Lots of times that can take a lot of practice and our internal fears can result in us sending signals out that we don't intend to send.

It takes practise to be able to represent what you intend to represent and learn to tune into others and what is comfortable for them.

But thinking of it as BS and intending to say things without meaning them just so you can have more attention isn't the best way of changing things. Good luck!

 

[WhiteLady]

Sailorgal -

This is true. I do truly believe I can be strong, intelligent and others - but somehow I feel the need to prove it. Psychologically I could explain why but at this point I simply want that feeling to go away. I read some psych articles about sense of self explaining essentially what you have said: in order to love yourself, you must BE yourself. But what if yourself is not socially acceptable? Should you be proud to be that way? Or should you try to be professional and posh? Once again, I thank everyone for their wonderful advice. It´s so great.

Abstract -

I think I don´t know how to be appropriate in a situation. My genuine is often looked at as strange (and always was I told). It is that you mention I must learn: to tune into others and what is comfortable for them. I want to work, and be a professional. However, being strange will not be looked at as professional.

 

[safenow]

can you excel in life while being yourself?

I think the others answered that very well.

what if yourself is not socially acceptable? Should you be proud to be that way? Or should you try to be professional and posh?

Until you learn how to be yourself, how do you know you are not socially acceptable?
And what I've seen of society, you should be proud you don't fit in with them.
You can be professional and still be yourself. What do you want your profession to be?

All the book learning that people get doesn't make them a good person. Taking the time to listen to a person does. Reaching out to others who are in distress does. Taking the time to lend a hand does. these are all my personal opinions, but you know what? I've seen so many therapists who have that "book learning" and don't help a patient, rather they just get time in and make money, but the patient suffers for years. Shame on them.

Was Mother Teresa socially acceptable?

 

[safenow]

I've had people try to murder me since before I was born, so I've learned a few things that military people experience every day. Because I've been pronounced as terminal so many times, I've learned how to live each day as though it will be my last. I recommend that to everyone. Not the trauma part, but the live each day as thought it will be your last.

In the past, I've had people lie about me, to the point I was mistreated because of it. I learned it doesn't mater what others think about you, its what you think about you that matters the most.

Rather than try to find ways for others to like you, learn what makes you happy, and all the rest will fall into place.

I'm sorry to talk so much, but I think it's important for you to hear because of what you asked. Please forgive my outburst. I'm off my soapbox now.

 

[WhiteLady]

Safenow -

It´s not a soapbox. You are right. It is described in many psychological papers and proven by many successful, happy people. I only fear that what I truly want to do and my 'true self' is socially unacceptable, etc. So to embrace it would be counterproductive. But then, maybe I don´t even know what I am *) but I do know what I like.

 

[Abstract]

I think safenow has many very good points.

However, being strange will not be looked at as professional.

It can be confusing to see what is about learning about others and what is about rejecting our true selves. I do think there is a difference between the two.

Who you are is who you are and I think if you embrace that then people respond to that feeling that you are being real and are comfortable with yourself. People do accept those that are different to them.

Then we get to appropriate actions in appropriate situations. Lets say I went to a country where wearing shoes inside would be a sign of disrespect. If I continued to do so then I would be seen as intending to insult the person and possibly also be seen as being arrogant and selfish.

But I wouldn't intend any of those things. I was just used to wearing shoes inside. Not wearing shoes inside would be a way of showing others what I really felt. That I did respect them and did have regard for them. That I was not only focused on myself. If I actually did not respect these peoples practices and just thought they were stupid and yet said differently because I wanted them to like me then I would feel false. If I rather thought about their perspective and then was myself then I wouldn't.

Lots of subtle things in the way we interact can result in us "speaking" non verbally and saying things we don't mean. Thats the part I think we can practice and learn skills in. Like speaking a new language. But it should never be about giving up our true identity or being false.

It might be worthwhile practising interchanges with your therapist to see what you are actually communicating to others. And instead of thinking of it just as means of getting ahead maybe you can think of it as you finding your unique effective social "voice".

 

[WhiteLady]

Abstract -

You are right there. I shall ask my therapist and see what he thinks. Thank you very much for your advice. I appreciate it.

 

[Sailorgal]

Whitelady,

As someone who was "normal" before PTSD, I can assure you that "fitting in" is like Abstract pointed out on a "per basis."

There are some things in a group that is deemed "normal," but I have been in situations where the odd one out is still accepted. We loved them and accepted them as they were. Some things we have to draw lines but it goes both ways. You need to be around people who respect your journey as you grow thicker skin and mingle into society more frequently.

The bottom line is not about you fitting a mold. Being yourself may not be entirely comforting to others. But if you are sincere and have good intentions, they will see past that. Also, learning to ask forgiveness is ok too. People do it all the time!!!! Just say, "Ooops I'm sorry, I didn't mean it in a bad way."

Relax...there is no "I arrived" moment with fitting in. It is a continuous journey in life. It's about you being comfortable with yourself and not feeling like you belong on another planet. Believe it or not, more people are insecure than you can imagine. They may look confidant and poised on the outside, and fit right in but I can't tell you how many times I heard "I felt so stupid! I didn't know what to say." Or "They looked at me funny," when it was nothing more than someone having an off day and not really in an upbeat mood.