This is strange for me to say, but I think I am subconsciously sabotaging my life, in pretty much every aspect, and have been for a while. I like to think of myself as a very self aware and analytical person, so this seems so strange to me, but its starting to become clear.
I've worked long and hard in therapy, and not that long ago, I think about 5 months ago, I stopped because I felt that I had gotten all I could get from it. My knee had been injured skiing a few months before, but I had worked hard and my recovery was going well, I was mountain biking and optimistic that I would continue to get stronger.
I have always been a loner, but I was making an effort to be social, I was talking to strangers more, meeting people mountain biking, and also doing some hiking and mountain biking with groups from a website called meetup.com. I actually met a few really cool people. Things seemed good, I was feeling happy, interacting with people and having fun, not caring what anyone thought of me, while managing to actually feeling like I must have some kind of charisma. Perhaps most importantly I was not smoking very much pot, and had not been for most of the summer.
Then something happened thats hard for me to talk about. This is so strange, its so mundane, I have all kinds of strength, its almost amusing that its hard to talk about this, but, of all the horrors I have been through, it seems what really broke me is to finally have a really amazing day. I went on a hike with a group from meetup.com, it was just one of those days when everyone seems to connect with each other and after a few hours a group of mostly strangers seem to have developed rapport and even inside jokes. I had really interesting intellectually stimulating conversation with a couple college students, as well as plans to go mountain biking with them sometime, participated in jokes and other fun talk with the rest of the group, and especially enjoyed joking around with one woman, older than me, definitely nothing romantic between us, but still, I often feel like I have a strange sense of humor that most people don't like, and that seemed to disappear that day. After the hike, part of the group, myself included, agreed to go get some food and drinks nearby. I happened to make a slightly flirtatious but odd joke with the waitress, I didn't really think about it, it just popped out, but it seemed out of character for me, it wasn't rude, in fact she did not seem to mind at all, and the older woman who I had been joking with all day laughed and slapped me on the back and told me how much she liked my attitude and that I was a lot of fun to be around. I kind of freaked the f*ck out at that moment.
I've never been good at taking compliments, I'm always afraid they are a trick of some sort (narcissistic personality disorder mother) or something, but this time I freaked out more just at the fact that everything seemed to be going so well. I was moving too fast into unfamiliar territory. It seems every since that moment, things have been going downhill. A week ago I was feeling sorry for myself marveling at how much shit life has dumped on me, and how bad my luck is, but I'm starting to see maybe thats not entirely the case.
So that hike was in august, in September I went on a big moutain bike ride I had been hoping to do as soon as my knee was able. Turned out to be too big, too soon, and its taken me since then to be ready to return to sports, I still havent biked again and havent skied this season. Now I did a lot to work up to this ride, but a couple days before I felt like myknee was a little sore and still went on the ride. I told myself I just dismissed it as soreness and thought I'd be ok, but now I htink maybe I deliberately sabotaged myself. After that ride I didnt even go to the dr for a week or two. I just got depressed and rested and hoped it would get better, when really resting completely just made the knee weaker. Again, I think I was just tearing down my hard work. After that I started smoking pot again. At first I just felt like I was trying on my old behaviors seeing how much I really wanted to change. Then, it just continued, and I think I've been hiding in fear of change every since.
I think I'm more comfortable being the dark mysterious weird loner, the pariah, suffering in silence. I think this is because I'm still hoping someone will love me out of pity, that is, see how much I suffer and love me for it because I am still a good man and I havent' let my suffering take that from me. I'm still hoping for love like parents are supposed to give. People though, besides with their own kids, don't love others like that, they love people for being awesome. I am awesome, I could list a hundred reasons why, but Ill make it short, and in the context of interpersonal relations, just say I have charisma. This much is obvious to me.
Its strange though, to think of that word, cus it seems like such an attribute, but only when I'm in a positive place in my mind. I have struggled to understand this, cus in my mind, how much people have seemed to like me at certain times, seems to contradict how much they seem driven from me in other times, especially because I don't treat others poorly even when I am doing poorly, I may be less friendly but I always try to be polite and courteous. When I think of myself as a charismatic person, it all makes sense. When I'm positive I exude a lot of positive charisma, people are drawn to this, when Im being negative I drive people away from me very effectively, its hard to describe, but its finally making sense. Ive wondered just what it is for a while, cus I've always felt like I deserve love and have been mystified at why I am so alone. I don't do wrong to others, and I've noticed that other people who are kind of strange don't arouse as much ire in people, but I think I can't helpp but affecting others with my mood, its not like I take it out on them, its just what charisma is.
Over the last few months I have been depressed. Up until a few minutes before I started this thread I just thought it was a natural consequence of recent misfortunes, but I think I actually caused most of those. A month ago I injured my finger at work, which has prevented me from playing guitar since. This I think was a pure accident, not something I did subconsciously, but instead of filing workers comp right then, which would of resulted in a mouth swab drug test, which I would of passed, I waited a few days, then stupidly asked HR about how workers comp worked, and was somehow surprised when I had to do a piss test, which I failed, for pot, causing me to lose my job. I'm smarter than that. The possibility existed, even after missing the opportunity to take the mouth swab test that day, to clean out my system THEN file for workers comp. I'm not beating myself up, I'm just stating a fact based on past performance, I'm smart enough to have gotten my workers comp, and kept my job. Its almost like I was being deliberately stupid.
I had been kind of negative at my job for a while too. I'm a good employee but I think I was a little negative. I thought I was just pissed about not being able to ski or play guitar, but I think I was actually crying out for help. I was hoping someone would notice I wasn't doing well and reach out to me, but that doesn't happen, except in the movies. Perhaps me subconsciously setting myself up to get fired wasnt completely self destructive perhaps I subconsciously knew I needed to move on from this job anyways, but regardless, this was not a conscious decision and the fact i seem to of acted on it scares me a little.
I guess I need to stop smoking pot all the time. I also need to stop hoping for anyone to pity me or care what I have been through in life. Not everyone is going to like me but if some people are they will like me for my positive charisma, not the negative. This is so strange though, I kind of judge myself for being so weak, I am in control of myself dammit. Guess not. I am only a human animal I guess.
Just as an aside, my finger and knee are doing better. I am skiing for the first timeon friday and hopefuly playing guitar in a couple weeks.
I've worked long and hard in therapy, and not that long ago, I think about 5 months ago, I stopped because I felt that I had gotten all I could get from it. My knee had been injured skiing a few months before, but I had worked hard and my recovery was going well, I was mountain biking and optimistic that I would continue to get stronger.
I have always been a loner, but I was making an effort to be social, I was talking to strangers more, meeting people mountain biking, and also doing some hiking and mountain biking with groups from a website called meetup.com. I actually met a few really cool people. Things seemed good, I was feeling happy, interacting with people and having fun, not caring what anyone thought of me, while managing to actually feeling like I must have some kind of charisma. Perhaps most importantly I was not smoking very much pot, and had not been for most of the summer.
Then something happened thats hard for me to talk about. This is so strange, its so mundane, I have all kinds of strength, its almost amusing that its hard to talk about this, but, of all the horrors I have been through, it seems what really broke me is to finally have a really amazing day. I went on a hike with a group from meetup.com, it was just one of those days when everyone seems to connect with each other and after a few hours a group of mostly strangers seem to have developed rapport and even inside jokes. I had really interesting intellectually stimulating conversation with a couple college students, as well as plans to go mountain biking with them sometime, participated in jokes and other fun talk with the rest of the group, and especially enjoyed joking around with one woman, older than me, definitely nothing romantic between us, but still, I often feel like I have a strange sense of humor that most people don't like, and that seemed to disappear that day. After the hike, part of the group, myself included, agreed to go get some food and drinks nearby. I happened to make a slightly flirtatious but odd joke with the waitress, I didn't really think about it, it just popped out, but it seemed out of character for me, it wasn't rude, in fact she did not seem to mind at all, and the older woman who I had been joking with all day laughed and slapped me on the back and told me how much she liked my attitude and that I was a lot of fun to be around. I kind of freaked the f*ck out at that moment.
I've never been good at taking compliments, I'm always afraid they are a trick of some sort (narcissistic personality disorder mother) or something, but this time I freaked out more just at the fact that everything seemed to be going so well. I was moving too fast into unfamiliar territory. It seems every since that moment, things have been going downhill. A week ago I was feeling sorry for myself marveling at how much shit life has dumped on me, and how bad my luck is, but I'm starting to see maybe thats not entirely the case.
So that hike was in august, in September I went on a big moutain bike ride I had been hoping to do as soon as my knee was able. Turned out to be too big, too soon, and its taken me since then to be ready to return to sports, I still havent biked again and havent skied this season. Now I did a lot to work up to this ride, but a couple days before I felt like myknee was a little sore and still went on the ride. I told myself I just dismissed it as soreness and thought I'd be ok, but now I htink maybe I deliberately sabotaged myself. After that ride I didnt even go to the dr for a week or two. I just got depressed and rested and hoped it would get better, when really resting completely just made the knee weaker. Again, I think I was just tearing down my hard work. After that I started smoking pot again. At first I just felt like I was trying on my old behaviors seeing how much I really wanted to change. Then, it just continued, and I think I've been hiding in fear of change every since.
I think I'm more comfortable being the dark mysterious weird loner, the pariah, suffering in silence. I think this is because I'm still hoping someone will love me out of pity, that is, see how much I suffer and love me for it because I am still a good man and I havent' let my suffering take that from me. I'm still hoping for love like parents are supposed to give. People though, besides with their own kids, don't love others like that, they love people for being awesome. I am awesome, I could list a hundred reasons why, but Ill make it short, and in the context of interpersonal relations, just say I have charisma. This much is obvious to me.
Its strange though, to think of that word, cus it seems like such an attribute, but only when I'm in a positive place in my mind. I have struggled to understand this, cus in my mind, how much people have seemed to like me at certain times, seems to contradict how much they seem driven from me in other times, especially because I don't treat others poorly even when I am doing poorly, I may be less friendly but I always try to be polite and courteous. When I think of myself as a charismatic person, it all makes sense. When I'm positive I exude a lot of positive charisma, people are drawn to this, when Im being negative I drive people away from me very effectively, its hard to describe, but its finally making sense. Ive wondered just what it is for a while, cus I've always felt like I deserve love and have been mystified at why I am so alone. I don't do wrong to others, and I've noticed that other people who are kind of strange don't arouse as much ire in people, but I think I can't helpp but affecting others with my mood, its not like I take it out on them, its just what charisma is.
Over the last few months I have been depressed. Up until a few minutes before I started this thread I just thought it was a natural consequence of recent misfortunes, but I think I actually caused most of those. A month ago I injured my finger at work, which has prevented me from playing guitar since. This I think was a pure accident, not something I did subconsciously, but instead of filing workers comp right then, which would of resulted in a mouth swab drug test, which I would of passed, I waited a few days, then stupidly asked HR about how workers comp worked, and was somehow surprised when I had to do a piss test, which I failed, for pot, causing me to lose my job. I'm smarter than that. The possibility existed, even after missing the opportunity to take the mouth swab test that day, to clean out my system THEN file for workers comp. I'm not beating myself up, I'm just stating a fact based on past performance, I'm smart enough to have gotten my workers comp, and kept my job. Its almost like I was being deliberately stupid.
I had been kind of negative at my job for a while too. I'm a good employee but I think I was a little negative. I thought I was just pissed about not being able to ski or play guitar, but I think I was actually crying out for help. I was hoping someone would notice I wasn't doing well and reach out to me, but that doesn't happen, except in the movies. Perhaps me subconsciously setting myself up to get fired wasnt completely self destructive perhaps I subconsciously knew I needed to move on from this job anyways, but regardless, this was not a conscious decision and the fact i seem to of acted on it scares me a little.
I guess I need to stop smoking pot all the time. I also need to stop hoping for anyone to pity me or care what I have been through in life. Not everyone is going to like me but if some people are they will like me for my positive charisma, not the negative. This is so strange though, I kind of judge myself for being so weak, I am in control of myself dammit. Guess not. I am only a human animal I guess.
Just as an aside, my finger and knee are doing better. I am skiing for the first timeon friday and hopefuly playing guitar in a couple weeks.
