Ok.another very long conversation. I am so excited for the first time in a long time, I feel like I have normal sexual thoughts. There is not totally panick along with a feeling of true disgust and irrational fear (at least my CBTworked and when I was working very hard at it, it truly was hard work..........I know there is more to be gone through but I think i feel a bit stronger and I have a better frame of mind. I will get this manageable, I just have to. I want to have a normal (whatever that is ) at least NO abuse again ever. I feel good, sense no red flags and I am learning to trust my intuitiion, that is a first in a really long time.. He is making it quite easy for me and I respect him so much and he has the nicest dimples ever and very nice kind eyes.
This is hard though....the man that violently raped me and trapped me had brown eyes and i have never been with a brown eyed man. I avoid this at all costs, for like years, what a crazy irrational fear?!?!
On the other hand they are very kind eyes, the kind that see deep down into your soul (OMG) I am so cheezy. It does make it easier that he is so nice and understanding but that is a trigger, Any suggestions to put this into perspective if there even is a way to do it or it is something i will continue to improve on myself!
My life was already complicated but I guess this is a good positive. Finally a little normalcy, i just hope i am strong enough at this point in my recovery.
Thanx everone for your support. I am so thankful for this forum!
