I'm Not Sure Where My Resolve Is. Has Anyone Seen It?

[Hashi]

I seem to have lost my resolve.

For some time before the holidays I was full of resolve. My therapist and I were working on safety and coping skills and preparing to do trauma work again after the break. This is my choice. I've been really wanting to do it - not in the usual sense of wanting to, obviously, but feeling prepared, knowing it's the right time, and wanting to get through this and to the other side.

So, I've been starting to talk a little bit and it's been OK. I've been having some very depressed days between sessions but I understand that's a reaction, and reactions are inevitable. I've been trying to accept that and take care of myself. I've also had good reactions, especially somatic releasing/unwinding, positive dreams and some feelings of relief.

Today in therapy I just didn't want to allow the process. I feel like I'm going to the lovely therapy centre to see my lovely therapist and I'm there spewing maggots all over the room. I don't want to see the horrible things I'm trying to get out of me, I don't want to admit they're there, that they've been there all this time. But of course, I don't want to keep them inside.

The drive that I usually have that pushes me through just doesn't seem to be there. I don't know what to do without it. I've done trauma work before, and I know it's rough, but this is deeper than anything I've ever done and it's rougher. I feel like I can't face it, but I know I have to, as we all have to.

I'm not overdoing it or pushing myself too much - I'm being really careful and so is my therapist. Also, I know it's the right therapist and type of therapy for me. It's just about getting through this.

My therapist has suggested trying to focus on other things as much as possible during the week until our next session. I can see the sense of this, especially since at the moment I'm talking about something I've already journalled about, so there's nothing to prepare for next time.

I like her idea of leaving it behind in the therapy room, although I'm not sure if it will stay there. I suppose I can try. If the best way to work on healing at the moment is to not work on healing for the next six days, then I will give it a go!

It might mean not keeping my dream diary for a week, which would be difficult because dreams are so important to me and they help me... but are often about all this, so its hardly leaving it behind. But if I can stay strictly away from that, maybe that will help me be more willing talk when I go back next week...? It's the opposite of how I usually do things so it feels strange.

I don't exactly have a full life. I'm out of work, and find it hard to go out due to anxiety so going anywhere can be counter productive. I do have things I need to get done at home, and some interests that I enjoy as much as I can enjoy anything at the moment, which isn't all that much.

If anyone has any thoughts, suggestions or encouragement I'd really appreciate them!

 

[DharmaGirl]

The drive that I usually have that pushes me through just doesn't seem to be there. I don't know what to do without it.

I often find that when I don't have the drive, I shouldn't mash through it. It comes out on its own time and I try to respect that. I tend to push anyway, and have to be slowed down so there is no danger of avoidence. The way I tend to do it is by talking my way up to it. I talk about nothing then just start. If I get out the first sentence, I'm good to go.

It might mean not keeping my dream diary for a week, which would be difficult because dreams are so important to me and they help me... but are often about all this, so its hardly leaving it behind.

I find that my dreams are so important, especially when I am working through trauma. I am on meds for nightmares now so my dreams are odd and I don't remember them as much. One week is not so much in the years we have to work on this.

You seem to know yourself really well, and have a good plan. This is so hard. Sometimes I think you need a break and this sounds like this for you. That doesn't mean you won't work again. I believe you will.

Sorry my post is so choppy, I am on pain pills, lol, and its hard to stick to the point.

 

[Hashi]

Thank you, monster. I appreciate your reply, especially since it must be difficult to stay focussed if you're on pain pills... sorry to hear that.

I find with trauma work it isn't only the immediate and obvious reactions. I feel like I'm being rearranged inside my head as well, that the thoughts/not thinking, and the old ways of reacting, are all being smashed up and forced to become something else. I think I'm feeling crushed by this process too.

I can't say how much I hate all of this! How did I get such a life...?

Thank you for understanding and for your encouragement.

 

[saffy]

Hi Hashi

What is resolve, Im not sure what it means?

Saffy :)

 

[Hashi]

What is resolve, Im not sure what it means?

Commitment, determination, drive, making up your mind to do something.

 

[saffy]

Thanks Hashi :)

SO would making a final decision about something and sticking to it be that too? :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Abstract]

I've also had good reactions, especially somatic releasing/unwinding, positive dreams and some feelings of relief.

I think that is something very important to note. That is the kind of thing that gets us through.

But of course, I don't want to keep them inside.

Absolutely! And they are not yours to start and so its time to stop carrying them around. I very much sympathise with your feelings around this though.

My therapist has suggested trying to focus on other things as much as possible during the week until our next session.

I have heard many people say this (when working in depth in trauma therapy). I can't say I understand it. I seem to find it helpful to put all my thoughts down normally but then I have only touched on trauma therapy.

It was explained to me that one needs to give ones brain a break and focus on other things. Such as nature or whatever else is calming. Maybe it would still be OK to do your dream diary if your T thinks its a good idea. As you can then put it aside after and spend the rest of the day free from it. I will be interested to see if how this goes for you as it is so counter intuitive for me in relation to what normally works recovery wise.

Have you ever found imagining putting it in a container, sealing it and putting it in the deep freeze helpful? With the idea that you can take it out and open it up when you are ready.

It's the opposite of how I usually do things so it feels strange.

Agreed.

Can you start some sort of project at home to distract you? I don't know if you paint or draw for example. Something that will take a little time and concentration.

Sending you much support. I know you can do this. Remember too that it is fine to slow down or take a break if you need to.

 

[Hashi]

SO would making a final decision about something and sticking to it be that too?

Yes. Although if you think about new year's resolutions, making the decision doesn't necessarily equal sticking to it!

 

[saffy]

Oh Hashi we all break new years resolutions :)

I make my one never to make new years resolutions :)

Making a final decision over something important and that you have been tossing and turning over can ease a lot though.

I sometime hear, 'this side of me say this' but never question what the other side is saying. Once a decision is made to stick to one side then that problem has been dealt with and it is time to move on from it. I think anyway.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Abstract]

Oh Hashi! Sorry it is so hard.

 

[Hashi]

I wanted to come back to this thread after staying away for a while because I was struggling a bit too much. Also, because I was trying not to think about things. Um... might not have thought that one out very well, posting about something I wasn't meant to be thinking about, lol. :banghead:

Abstract, I did appreciate what you wrote. It felt a bit counter intuitive for me, too, the idea of not processing things a lot outside sessions. It's the opposite of what I've been doing for the past three years, and it's hard for me to see that what was best for me before might have changed now. That has been a good realisation in itself, though, because I'm coming to the understanding that the need for that determination to push myself has perhaps also changed.

Something I've been talking about in therapy recently is how exhausted I am of pushing myself. Not just with trauma work, but to get through the day generally. We talked about how burnt out I got in my last work situation, and how I had to force myself to be there every day, on top of trying to cope with trauma, therapy and other aspects of life.

I've realised that I don't need to push myself like before with trauma work. It's happening in other ways. I used to have to plan it and control it strictly in order to keep things contained enough. I knew exactly what I'd talk about and what I wouldn't talk about. I was very careful to understand the limits of what I could cope with, then steel myself to do it. Now, I feel able to say some things as they come up for me. I might decide to talk about something the morning of the session, then just go and do it. I have been able to think about it less between sessions. I've been able to let dreams go, unless they strike me as particularly significant (this is huge for me, since for some time I felt dreams were my only reliable guide to myself). I think I've finally got to a level of safety with myself where I can do all that.

It's still rough, especially beforehand, but now the relief of talking about it is more immediate and my ability to stabilise quickly is much better. Yesterday, I started the session shaking and ended up smiling... that has never happened before.

So, the way I'm feeling now is that I'm glad I don't seem to need to call on that resolve in the way I've needed to for so long. Things have changed. I just didn't know it! My therapist did, though...

Thank you very much for your support.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Maybe your resolve is not gone, but merely wavering and it will come back when you're truly ready for the next step.

As for feeling like your tainting such a nice place and the person in it with your troubles, maybe because the place is so lovely, when you tell your troubles instead of turning all of the wonderfulness, maybe the wonderfulness instead neutralizes them. That's what it's there for and that's it's purpose, to negate even the blackest thoughts.

I am not getting therapy yet, but will incredibly soon. I have no social life because I never go out. I don't even go out relaxing places on my own any more. I don't work because I don't get out. I'm worried about my therapy going to fast and also of it going to slow, but I think that it doesn't matter what speed you go, even if you come to a stand still because that usually means you're preparing yourself for the next step, or you're scared and that's ok. Take it at your own pace and don't feel pressured to do something you're not comfortable with unless you know the only reason you're not comfortable is because you know deep down that it's something you have to work through. That's never going to be nice, but the end result of working through it is far more important.

Last week I spent the week constantly on the edge, I spent more of it Dissociated than in the real world. My anxiety was unbearable and it felt like somehow life would just have to stop because I couldn't cope with the intense distress I was in. Eventually I managed to come out from it, slowly (I still feel I could fall back there if I wasn't so focused on holding on now), the out come?! Daft!! I now feel that the place where I will have my therapy and I currently see a social worker and psychiatrist is a safe enough place to go on my own in a taxi rather than need my Mum to take me. Also that I didn't have DID, something I knew before but fears grew due to my panic, and that the only reason I was freaking about DID (and other personality disorders) was to define my condition as complex - despite knowing it was already, as my understanding of the therapy given for PTSD and C-PTSD (in the UK it does exist as a proper term) is quite different. Little things I already knew deep down that caused a week of hell just to become fully conscious thoughts, but now I've worked through that. I'm sure actually I didn't need to add that paragraph but I thought there was a reason to tell you before I typed it, so I shall leave it in even if I can't remember why now

I hope that you can feel more settled about it soon. None if this is easy, I think.

Take care.

AJ
xx