Sufferer Sexual Assault Victim - Twice. Really Struggling.

[Exploring Hope]

First, I don't like those words. I don't want the prefix of "sufferer", I don't want to check the box called "victim." I don't want to have PTSD. I don't want to barricade my bedroom door with furniture. I don't want to make jokes about "my meds" and "well, my therapist says...", trying to cover my shame with a joke so my family doesn't know I'm dying on the inside. I don't want this broken me. I want what I used to be.

But I am broken. And I never would have thought pre-assault that it would touch every area of my life. But it has.

I was brutally raped when I was 19. I had never even kissed a boy. I was Mennonite and I didn't even know enough about sex, to know for sure what was happening. I didn't have a vocabulary for rape. But I knew he was taking something from me. I knew I was no longer beautiful, innocent and secure.

He knew my family and threatened to do worse to my beautiful 9 year old sister if I told. I believed him, and bottled it up for several years. In 2010, I finally gathered the courage to tell someone and seek counseling. I thought I was doing good, I thought I was healing.

Last year, while showing a condo to a client, he attacked me, and I kept thinking "dear God, please not again." But it did happen again. And now I'm in this place mentally, emotionally and spiritually that I don't want. And I don't know how to do it.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

Exploring Hope, I am very sorry you went through that-twice. I hope you find some support and understanding with this community.

Wishing you a good day.

Kind regards,

Ayesha

 

[shoulderblades]

I don't want to make jokes about "my meds" and "well, my therapist says...", trying to cover my shame with a joke so my family doesn't know I'm dying on the inside. I don't want this broken me. I want what I used to be.

What you've said here resonates so strongly with me. I understand this on many, many deep levels. I understand what it's like to feel you have to joke about things to cover shame and guilt. I understand what it's like to feel like you're drowning and not being able to put up a hand to signal for help. A lot people here will understand the same. You're in the right place here.

He knew my family and threatened to do worse to my beautiful 9 year old sister if I told.

What a revolting human being. Revolting. People who steal our dignity and our integrity and use our violation against us to control the situation and to protect themselves from being caught are the worst kinds of people. I have no memory of it, but I have a strong feeling the people who gang molested me as a toddler told me not to tell or something horrible will happen. I'm 32 now and still feel immense fear over disclosing my experiences of abuse, assault and rape. It's like being trapped in a prison.

Welcome to the forum, Exploring Hope. I hope you find the support and help you need here. *offers hugs*

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

 

[Hashi]

Welcome to the forum, although I'm sorry for your reasons to be here.

In case you aren't familiar with the idea - liking your post doesn't necessarily mean I "like" what you said. It can also be a gesture of support.

I'm so sorry your security has been taken away. I believe those of us who have experienced sexual assault are still beautiful and innocent - our assailants' ugliness and shame are not ours to own. I know it's very hard to feel that, though.

I hope being here can help you get to a better place.

 

[safenow]

I also clicked "like" as I support you. I am so sorry you also feel this type of shame. Please know that it is not your fault.

I also know what it's like to have that happen more than once. You did nothing to bring it about. Shame on those men who abused you in this horrible way. I hope you know that they will answer to the most high for what they stole from you. I hope you know that Your Heavenly Father still looks upon you as a virtuous woman. Never lose your faith. Don't allow those creeps to steal that from you as well.

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. You will find many wonderful, caring people here. You will also find good information. I hope you can find a good therapist who can help you learn ways to cope with what you've been through.

It's nice to meet you.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum

 

[BloomInWinter]

Welcome to the forum. May you find comfort, healing, and hope here and in real life.

 

[WillyKat]

I don't have any direct memory of the threats made against me, but revolting is the right word for it.

Welcome to the forum and welcome to a group where you will find the support and love you deserve.

 

[Exploring Hope]

Thank you for all the support and welcoming. I found this site one night when I didn't think I would ever find people going through the same stuff. While I grieve for you, I am glad I found this site. I know the Bible says that "weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." What I don't know is how long is the night?

 

[chaoticwings]

If you search for "pandora's aquarium" online you will find a forum/message board site dedicated to helping survivors of rape and sexual abuse. Since I just joined I'm not allowed to post links. I used it frequently to help me get through some rough patches in my healing process. Remember you are not alone. Welcome.

 

[safenow]

I used it frequently to help me get through some rough patches in my healing process. Remember you are not alone.

I took care of it for you, chaoticwings. I've been a member there for a number of years.

I actually like it better here. There is more divirsity to keep the mind busy on positive things, not just the negative. But she has a good site over there.

What I don't know is how long is the night?

God's time is different than our time. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that it will get better.

I'm glad you found this site. You will learn a lot here.