I Don't Believe In Love

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok so maybe that's not ENTIRELY true.

I don't think I'd know love if it ran me over with a train. I'm so intent on protecting myself that I constantly find resons why I'm not liked, not loved. I nitpick at the little things. If someone has a problem with me, no matter how minor, I tell them to find someone else who doesn't have this trait because life is to short to be around someone who isn't exactly what you want.

I know I have a perfection complex. I see myself as unlovable/unlikable if I'm not perfect. As soon as someone sees the flawed PTSD side of me, I move on.

I want to change, I just don't know how. Right now I'm pretty much alone. No boyfriend, no real friends. It's not that I have a problem with being alone, it's that I can't let anyone love me. I don't want to feel that vulnerable. How do I let people love me?

And last week I realized that I've never felt loved. Not by my parents, my siblings, my ex's or my friends. I literally feel unlovable, in the sense that I can't feel it so it might as well not even be there.

And this is even evident in my relationship with God. God is love, so I feel a disconnect with God. I never pray to God because I feel that he hates me. I have no problem calling on angels to protect me, and I know they do. Their job is to protect me and keep me safe, not so much to love me, so that's why I can easily call on them. (Please don't get into a religious debate, as this is my view on God and Angels, wrong or right...I'm just using it as an example of my issues with love).

I'm feeling a bit agitated in writing this, so I think I'll stop now. Thanks for reading. I appreciate any feedback.

 

[Queen Boudica]

No answers ScaredofLonely. Feel the same. Old cliche "to be loved you have to love yourself" But how do you love yourself when you never felt love from the ones who were supposed to teach you what love is all about; your parents? All I got from my parents was reasons not to be loved.

My kids love me, I think, but I never feel I am good enough. Yet I love my children even if they are not perfect. Love is not about being perfect, love allows for imperfections. Yet it is those imperfections that make me, in my eyes, unloveable.

There is love, it exists, just maybe we never learned how to be loved. We are trying to pursue this impossible task of being perfect and then we will get love, but, that never was possible in our childhood and it is still not possible. The people who were suppose to love us in our childhood were the ones who did not know how to love no matter how perfect we tried to be. People who are capable of love, love and it does not require perfection.

You do not have to be perfect to feel love. We know that but, somehow, we are still trying to be perfect before we can be loved. Patterns we learned in our childhood.

I don't know. Not sure that helps any. Feeling agitated today myself for the same reasons. No-one likes me and I just don't know why I am here I don't fit in anywhere. Feel pretty unloveable and unlikeable today. Hoping it is all in my head.

 

[maddog]

Erg, bad time for me to be seeing this thread, even worse time for me to be responding...

What you both said, a thousand times over.

The thing is, I do believe in love... for other people. I believe in it because I think i've witnessed it from a distance, and I even think I kind of know it when I see it, which is weird given I have no personal experience of my own to base this recognition on.

Nobody has ever loved me. I wrote a whiny petulent rant on another thread about this just yesterday. Sometimes that feels intolerable, and then sometimes it just seems sad, and then sometimes it seems absurdly irrelevant when just surviving seems my only priority...

My feelings ebb and flow, along with my regret or otherwise for my aloneness. Sometimes the prospect of having anyone close to me in any sense seems worse than the reality of having nobody to love and be loved by, and those are the times I think I should be careful what I wish for when I whinge on and on about having nobody...

Not sure what my point is.

As a rallying attempt at positivity, I try hard, when I remember, never to say "never". I can't know that I will never be loved, just as I can't know anything about what lies ahead, and the same applies for all of us. Maybe some day I'll feel diferent. I just can't imagine that day.
Maddog

 

[LhasaLover]

Sometimes we have to look at where this negative self-talk is coming from. A lot of times we internalize experiences we interpret as negative and reflect back on ourselves, well it must be me, I am no good! That is a trap that is not good to get into. Your God loves you with your flaws and all. This self-talk just throws you into a rut. I catch myself doing it and kick it to the curb. I'm pretty logical in my thinking, but after doing it so many times, it gets old. Depression also encourages negative self-talk as well.

 

[Whitneys story]

I am sorry you are struggling with this. Please don't stop writing, something needs to be surfaced. If you don't want to post here grab a tablet and write your feelings but please let them out! :D Whitney

I'm feeling a bit agitated in writing this, so I think I'll stop now.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I know I hate myself. I see myself as nothing but a failure in life. I don't know how to see myself any other way and that scares me. How do you see yourself in a positive light when you've gotten nowhere in life and fail everything you attempt?

I have no ability to see the bigger picture. The last thing a person says to me dictates how I think they feel about me. If someone says something mean I think they hate me (and I try to get away from them). If they say something nice I think we're ok at best or they just want something from me.

 

[jmni]

Well not everything you're saying is really wrong. In some ways it is actually smart and just seems decisive.

As soon as someone sees the flawed PTSD side of me, I move on.

I think that we are ashamed of this disability. We can go from totally functional to completely dysfunctional within seconds. It's embarrassing. People have held it against me and felt that they can use me and disrespect me because of it. In a way I think you might be reacting out of fear and shame but it is not necessarily a bad decision. You are independent and know that you dont need other's or their approval. Most people don't approve and don't understand. Even those who do are afraid to commit to helping another person.

It sounds like you are alone and it is making you depressed. No one wants to be alone. It doesn't mean that you are unlovable. That is just how you feel it's not necessarily an accurate description of you. I think that genuine love is just very rare. It takes time to develop and you have to be in the moment to appreciate it.

I hope your ptsd improves and that fewer and fewer people get an opportunity to ever see it.

 

[jmni]

The last thing a person says to me dictates how I think they feel about me. If someone says something mean I think they hate me (and I try to get away from them). If they say something nice I think we're ok at best or they just want something from me.

Many people are just users of other people. Maybe you are picking up on this. I don't necessarily think that people _hate_ you but they could be catty and miserable. I think if someone seems like you should have nothing to do with them then you should go ahead and have nothing to do with them. Then again people can say nice things and still be users or actually mean at heart. I don't understand what that has to do with how you see yourself. That is more like interacting with others.

Why do you care what people think of you?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't know why I care so much what other people think. I know I shouldn't, but I do.

I guess if people think bad things, they don't like you. Nobody wants to be disliked, right?

Oh blah.

 

[Abstract]

I know I have a perfection complex. I see myself as unlovable/unlikable if I'm not perfect. As soon as someone sees the flaw

I actually think this is good insight. Insight is a really important first step so you are getting somewhere. Maybe you could give yourself a big pat on the back for that.

I think in many ways change creates discomfort (or terror). And really when they have been deep ingrained patterns the way they have shifted for me is taking small steps and managing the fallout as best as possible. Doing that repeatedly until it becomes easier.

So this is just a random thought to consider but maybe a good second step is to stop yourself when you go into the perfectionistic pattern in relation to someone responding to you in a way you don't want.

You could start a thread here and start off setting yourself goals. Such as not falling into posting from a victim perspective. Reminding yourself of your other qualities. You might even be able to go back to it whenever something new comes up. Maybe you could start it before you need it and set out what you think you are good at; that all people have value and your goals of how you will respond. Looking at your name this is obviously a big thing for you and you need human contact.

You are a valuable important human being and you don't have to be perfect to have value. I know this would be far from easy.

 

[jmni]

I guess if people think bad things, they don't like you. Nobody wants to be disliked, right?

Sometimes its worse than other times. I don't enjoy being rejected but actually i realized that the people who were rejecting me ... well lets just say we weren't meant to be friends. So ... rejection can be an opportunity well lost, to put it nicely. Maybe you just need a thicker skin.

 

[jmni]

I don't think I'd know love if it ran me over with a train. I'm so intent on protecting myself that I constantly find resons why I'm not liked, not loved. I nitpick at the little things.

This sounds like it could be depression.

I want to change, I just don't know how. Right now I'm pretty much alone. No boyfriend, no real friends. It's not that I have a problem with being alone, it's that I can't let anyone love me. I don't want to feel that vulnerable. How do I let people love me?

I am alone now too but I am ok with it, as well. It's probably a good thing. I want to be able to chose my new friends and potential new families without a lot of need because it gives me more control. If you are needy, you'll be desperate. I suggest don't jump in to quick. Get to know each other over time. It's a trust issue. Don't reveal too much until you feel you are comfortable with them. In other words, go at your own pace.