Sufferer Childhood Abuse And Ptsd As An Adult

[Sarah9225]

I am 37 years old. I was abused as a child until the age of 17. I was hit with objects such as belts, hangers, clothing iron, heavy toys, watering hose, and they threatened to kill me. I was sexually molested by my four brothers at the age of 9. There was no penetration but they masturbated on me and touched my privates.

I left my parents home and moved three states away with a friend. I went to college and now work in a job that sustains me. I am very involved in my community through volunteering.

I went into therapy at age 18 and at age 23. I've worked very hard at developing my self awareness, and am always in the learning process in regards to coping with my own emotions. I have grown greatly over the last 20 years but my parents are still in my life.

They moved to a city one state away. Between the age of 25 to 30, I had no contact with them. Now I am in contact with them about once a month by phone and when they visit, they stay at my house. Most recently they have threatened to harm me and my family. My mother is ill and they are needing validation from me.

I know that they need money and they need my time. I know that they believe they nurtured my growth and so I must repay the debt. I believe my adult brothers are doing what they can for my parents so I am unsure why my parents are resorting to abusing me again. I have done a lot for them out of compliance because whenever I am with them, I revert back to the little girl I was once.

Whenever I am with them, I feel suffocated and the memories of the abuse come flooding back. I become anxious and afraid for my own safety when I am in their house. I know these feelings are irrational. I am very afraid right now for my own safety but the more rational side of me tells me that my parents won't hurt me.

I know there is nothing to stop the trauma responses but I don't have anyone to talk to who will understand. I am married and I have a 7 year old daughter. My husband was not abused as a child so although he is compassionate and empathetic, I am not sure if he can totally relate to my anxiety and fears. He has been my rock and has defended me when my parents get abusive.

This has been helpful to just be able to write this down. Thank you.

 

[Ruckster]

Welcome. I'm glad that you found this site and that you found the courage it takes to start writing. Well done!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[Elsa]

I am glad that you wrote this down, too. I feel for you. I believe I understand a little how you feel because I have felt/still fear for my safety when I am physically near my family. In fact, I fear that they will try to hurt me even when I am not near them. But, I'm not convinced this is irrational.

I believe that malevolent behavior can be enculturated within a family. I think that parents can and do share their mores and coping strategies with their children. (My father recently advised me to just think of myself as being better than my sister [i.e., smarter, more successful, etc.] if she made me angry. He never suggested discussing the issue with her. In fact, he advised *not* talking about it with her. His only solution was to deflate my sister within my own mind, which would of course affect my behavior toward her. Because he said this to me, I am certain that he has advised the others in a similar fashion.)

From what you have said about your parents recently threatening you and your family, it seems you are not being irrational at all. It is good that you have a husband who is compassionate and supportive! Welcome! :)

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Sarah,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

Most recently they have threatened to harm me and my family.

When children are victims of abuse, they have little or no resources to escape from the abuse. This concerned me, because as an adult you have every right to live free from abuse or the threat of abuse. No one controls the family they are born into, but you can choose whether or not to continue the relationship as an adult. You owe it to yourself and your family (husband and daughter) to be free from the threats and continued stress of an unhealthy relationship.

There is a lot of information on this site, especially in regard to boundaries and abusive relationships. I hope you find the information and support here helpful as you work on healing.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie

 

[Sarah9225]

Thank you for your kind words and support. It really means a lot to know that there are people out there who really understand what I'm going through. I am going to check this forum frequently and post my experience as well as read others' experiences. It has been helpful to know that other's have gone through this and that I am not alone. I think you are right that my fears might not totally be irrational. I'm going continue to be protect of myself physically and psychologically.

I agree that malevolent behavior somehow becomes a family culture. I grew up with my parents teaching each sibling (6 total) to not defend each other, to not protect each other, and to not be loyal to one another. My mother used to tell us to never defend our father and not to like him when we grow up...it's all such an unhealthy situation.

I talked to my writing group about this situation because ironically, I am writing an article about violence against women. I am experiencing writer's block due to my PTSD reactions. I think I may be hitting a turning point here and this is all helping me tremendously.

 

[safenow]

the more rational side of me tells me that my parents won't hurt me.

I believe that is you projecting what you wish was real. But the reality is not that they won't hurt you. I recommend you stay far away from them.

 

[a3a2]

Most recently they have threatened to harm me and my family.

Whenever I am with them, I feel suffocated and the memories of the abuse come flooding back. I become anxious and afraid for my own safety when I am in their house. I know these feelings are irrational.

Doesn't sound irrational to me. Even if they are no longer capable of physically harming you, they ABSOLUTELY ARE emotionally harming you.

Welcome to the forum, Sarah. There are a lot of us here who can relate.

 

[LhasaLover]

Hi Sarah, Thank you for your thoughtful post. I agree, you are not being irrational, at all. Have you spoken to a professional about having them back in your life? We all deserve and need to feel safe.

 

[ms spock]

Hello Sarah and Welcome to the Forum.

I was abused as a child until the age of 17. I was hit with objects such as belts, hangers, clothing iron, heavy toys, watering hose, and they threatened to kill me. I was sexually molested by my four brothers at the age of 9. There was no penetration but they masturbated on me and touched my privates.

Even if for your daughter's sake to protect her from your parent's harmful ways it might be wise to cut them from your life. I had to do that as I couldn't heal being in contact with my abusers. Have you got a good psychriatrist to assist in dealing with this situation?

when they visit, they stay at my house. Most recently they have threatened to harm me and my family.

I would suggest you seek therapy from a good psychriatrist. Letting them stay in your home is not a wise choice perhaps? Perhaps send your daughter to stay with some functional and non abusive people if they really have to stay?

Growing up in an abusive family we don't get taught how to protect ourselves. I think you really need protecting from your parents. More importantly your daughter needs protecting from your parents.

It might be a better idea if they stay in a hotel and see you in a neutral environment like a park or a coffee shop where their abusive behaviours are short circuited?

I know that they believe they nurtured my growth and so I must repay the debt.

Non-abusive parents don't seem to have these expectations. They chose to have children. End of story.

Whenever I am with them, I feel suffocated and the memories of the abuse come flooding back. I become anxious and afraid for my own safety when I am in their house. I know these feelings are irrational.

Not when they are threatening harm to you and your family! Those feelings are certainly not irrational! They have hurt you. They have not protected you. Your brothers had to learn their sexually abusing behaviours from somewhere so it is most likely that they learnt them from your parents.

Even if you can't protect yourself at this time please protect your daughter from being around you parents or your brothers.

My parents had contact with their parents out of family obligation. We were abused sexually and otherwise because of this.

 

[safenow]

After many years of therapy, my father called me and was going to be in town. He wanted to come stay with me. I told him I would book him a motel room, and he chose not to come.

It was hard, because back then, I still wanted a relationship with him. In spite of everything that happened, there was still that child in me that needed him to love me. Needed to know that I had a father who loved me. Which was not the reality. The reality was, he never loved me. I am glad I was finally strong enough to tell him what I did. He made the decision to not come, not me. Which spoke volumes to me.