Cutting Ties With Toxic Family

[jmni]

"Why do you ask?" I've found that most nosy people are either 1) Trying to find something to criticize me about or 2) Are looking for a way to make the conversation all about them...or they already know a bit about my estranged family and are just looking for some juicy gossip.

It also seems predatory. A "red flag" sort of question. I've come to the conclusion that if someone is so nasty and so determined to make you feel bad and in addition to that willing to deceive you into thinking that they "want to help" or some bs that they are only stalkers. That is the only explanation that is logical to me. These people enjoy watching you feel uncomfortable with them and like knowing that they've hurt your feelings or harassed you. Not only have they heard about your family it seems apparent that they've heard about you.

It's clearly a personal question and something for you to share not to be forced to share when you're put on the spot.

I like your strategy, WTBC.

The moment you criticize your family people look at you as if YOU have something wrong with you. Whenever (in the past, when I was stupid) I tried to tell people about my sister's destructive and insane behaviour, I would get the reaction along the lines of 'well, she must have reason to ...".

I've had this reaction before and I also find it suspicious. It's really hard to find someone you can trust to speak to about your personal life especially when you are enduring this kind of thing. It weighs on your mind very hard. In reality these people act like lunatics and a lot of the advice I have received is very mild and inadequate.

In a nut shell I know that I have been stalked before but didn't recognize it. They exploited the trouble I had in my personal life to get nearer to me.

Recently I met a random person in a coffee shop. For the most part we only spoke on the phone once in a while. He did ask me if I get along with my family. I had decided to put my things into storage in a bigger city with an airport and mentioned this to him. And he told me that he thought I should store my things in a completely different town an hour away from my town in the opposite direction that didn't have an airport. I had not asked him where I should store my things and never would because he was just a casual acquaintance. But I have to wonder why this person is telling me how to run my personal life. I mean who the hel asked him? Not me. I hate to feel so paranoid but that is weird.

 

[WillThereBeCake]

The person who was worst about this was actually an in-law who was a complete witch and treated everyone in her family badly. I think she'd caught wind about how I didn't take crap from my own family and was fishing to see if she was in line to be kicked to the curb as well. I pulled the "Why do you ask?" and she spit out some rubbish about how she cared. I pointed out that she had never spoke to, nor met anyone in my family, and then just stopped. She was speechless, and obviously miffed that someone had called her on her nosiness. She was kicked to the curb as well soon thereafter.

She, and many others, think that you HAVE to put up with anything family throws at you. I am so glad that I got past that notion. I always say that anyone can treat me bad once.....ONCE! My cup runneth over, I have no time for their crap anymore.

 

[Pencil]

My cup runneth over, I have no time for their crap anymore.

Your avatar, is that 'f*ck off Kitty'? :D

 

[WillThereBeCake]

LOL, yeah that would work to. It's supposed to be Hell-No Kitty ;)

 

[ms spock]

It also seems predatory. A "red flag" sort of question. I've come to the conclusion that if someone is so nasty and so determined to make you feel bad and in addition to that willing to deceive you into thinking that they "want to help" or some bs that they are only stalkers. That is the only explanation that is logical to me.

No that is rather unfair. Whilst I hate it when people ask me about my family, it is often an innocent conversation, like the weather for many people.

Of course intent is everything. But in certain communities there are questions that are always asked.

Sweeping generalisations are good to avoid. There are not nice people out there, that is for sure. There are also people who are a product of their culture, their time and their own interests. They are just making polite conversations. One thing to do is just change the topic or say I don't wish to discuss that today.

Not everyone is malevolent.

 

[ms spock]

I pulled the "Why do you ask?" and she spit out some rubbish about how she cared. I pointed out that she had never spoke to, nor met anyone in my family, and then just stopped. She was speechless, and obviously miffed that someone had called her on her nosiness.

That is such a great strategy for an intrusive person. I will remember the "Why do you ask?" question. It is in my tool box now.

 

[jmni]

No that is rather unfair. Whilst I hate it when people ask me about my family, it is often an innocent conversation, like the weather for many people...Not everyone is malevolent.

I am basing this on my own experience where the people in question were more obviously malicious. And then in some cases like the one I described it's not as much. You are right that it's not good to mind read but once someone does this I cannot help but to distrust them with my level or paranoia. I ignored stalkers before with malicious behaviorisms and allowed them to act like they were doing something harmless and I blame myself for that. I really do not have a lot of people otherwise ask me about my family. Most people would rather talk about themselves than ask someone about themselves. Personally I like the safety of an anonymous online relationship to discuss my family. And apart from here or with my online friends who I trust I would rather not expunge all my feelings. Talking about my past brings up bad feelings and I don't desire to talk about them with people I don't know.

 

[WillThereBeCake]

Not everyone is malevolent.

You have a good point Ms. Spock. I think the tone means a lot. I have had people ask this, or similar questions, in a very neutral way, and I am certain they are just wanting to start a conversation about anything at all out of friendliness. These are usually people that have no clue about the pain my family has caused me (true friends never bring them up). To these people, I would just say, "Fine, but what about this crazy weather, huh?"

Now, there are those that ask about my family, or anything else, with that slight sneer in their voice. Those are the ones fishing for stuff just to tick me off, or to gossip about. They get whatever I feel like dumping on them that day.

I don't want you all to think I'm always a hag. I am drippy, sick, stick your finger down your throat, sweet to people until they give me a reason not to be. Gossips and troublemakers (which I can tell a mile away) don't get any sugar.

 

[ms spock]

I am basing this on my own experience where the people in question were more obviously malicious.

And in these cases jmni you are wise to be wary.

And then in some cases like the one I described it's not as much.

Good to discern between the two.

You are right that it's not good to mind read but once someone does this I cannot help but to distrust them with my level or paranoia.

It is good that you are aware of this.

I ignored stalkers before with malicious behaviorisms and allowed them to act like they were doing something harmless...

It is important you take care of and protect yourself given this background.

... Personally I like the safety of an anonymous online relationship to discuss my family. And apart from here or with my online friends who I trust I would rather not expunge all my feelings. Talking about my past brings up bad feelings and I don't desire to talk about them with people I don't know.

That is quite reasonable. It is best not to talk to issues that people are essentially inexperienced with. Choosing who you talk with is important part of boundaries.

I have a friend that when asked about her family say they died in a car accident and no one every discusses family with her again after she says that. There are strategies to protect yourself and it is important to find ones that work for you.

 

[ms spock]

You have a good point Ms. Spock. I think the tone means a lot. I have had people ask this, or similar questions, in a very neutral way, and I am certain they are just wanting to start a conversation about anything at all out of friendliness. These are usually people that have no clue about the pain my family has caused me (true friends never bring them up). To these people, I would just say, "Fine, but what about this crazy weather, huh?"

That is another good strategy! Having ways to deflect people is an excellent way to manage awkward questions.

 

[jmni]

I have a friend that when asked about her family say they died in a car accident and no one every discusses family with her again after she says that. There are strategies to protect yourself and it is important to find ones that work for you.

That's actually perfect for a lot of situations like I described.

 

[Powder]

What a great thread. I have read and feel the deep truth and what it has cost each of you to be at this point now.

Look how the universe pricks your sense of false guilt with "innocent" questions about your family. :) Maybe this is a sign there is more to forgive of yourself.

Forgiveness...I don't believe you "have to do" anything to heal. That is personal to each one. Maybe that's a dumb thing to say, but I feel it's a way to see it.

I was so tired of my mom's pestering that I got really angry. When I moved through the anger until I came out through the other side of it, I felt it was time to do some "letting go" and "forgiveness." I don't mean forgiveness in the way I think the therapists meant to you. My forgiveness was my way of saying "I want nothing from you. You owe me nothing. I owe you nothing. Go away because you get nothing." And I cut the cord with the forgiveness.

This kind of forgiving is a writing them off, cutting your loses, steering away, and not looking back. I think I forgave my mother so I could let go of her more fully, releasing her from our biological bond and saying "Thanks but no thanks." Somehow we make our own peace with those who didn't love us properly and stop asking "Why me," and start answering "No matter; time to say goodbye." Forgiveness is a parting ways, a clean break, if you will. Not because they are deserving, but because I'm going my way on a good note.

In the Bible, the disciples were instructed to shake the dust from their sandals when leaving the home of an evil doer. It's just that, leave it all behind. Don't even take their dust with you when you go.