Attachment Issues

[Core]

Or is it a Scandinavian progressive something??

Most Norwegians seem to not even have developed/thought about their own ethical/moral principles, which is just strange to me, so I don't think that's it. I'm introverted, from the age of 4 I've lived in my head, thinking about all kinds of things? :p Or, though I did not have any physical abuse or poor living conditions, I longed and ached all my childhood for feeling genuine love, empathy, compassion, attention, attachment, bonding, security, comfort, safety, touch, hugs from my mother, and I long for these things still.

It physically hurts in lots of places in my body, and I wish I could just be two people at once and hold and hold and stroke myself, stop the pain. Thinking about proper comforting touch/hugs, I actually get a ghost feeling of the emotions I would have, as well as the ache increasing. It's sad. With my best friend, I could have safety and bonding in hugs, but all hugs have been very brief and it would be just insane for me to ask to be held by her. (She views me as adult, independent, rational etc.)

Even when I was held by the ex, I never felt or had these things properly. He was even more unstable, ruled by irrational emotions, neglectful and abusive than mother. Before, when I struggled with "just" anxiety, and now that I'm again in a lot of emotional pain, the need for attachment and touch is there a lot, but I even freak out at the one person I really trust, best friend, hugging me. Need, ache, can't have it, couldn't take it if I could have it.

Uh, that was a lot of self-centered rambling. But yeah. :hug:

 

[Pencil]

hat was a lot of self-centered rambling.

Not at all. And in my eagerness to post the previous reply, I missed your statement that you needed mothering as well. Apologies for that.

This forum is so great because it gives us the opportunity to share and connect. This has helped me a lot. Before this forum I felt incredibly isolated because this issue that I have is so central to my life and my present difficulties, but I don't know a single 3D person who relates to it, or understands it. Not even the therapist fully gets it. So being able to talk to even two individuals who really do get gives me an enormous sense of relief.

 

[Pencil]

[DLMURL]http://www.alisonball.com.au/i_want_my_mumy.php#working[/DLMURL]

Clients Needing Re-parenting

"The first group are those people who come closest to my idea of re-parenting when they are driven to regress immediately they attach themselves without question to a therapist who they sense as able to take on their neediness. It is like they are saying, “You are IT for me”. That is, this person has been searching for someone who will allow them to deal with their deepest, most regressed dependency and attachment needs. Some may have first done the rounds of many therapists who have shied away from their neediness. These people can sometimes do significant work in the surface layers with some therapists but the dependency layers which sometimes verge on the psychotic will only be touched when they have found the therapist who fits the bill for them and can offer long term, very intensive and patient psychotherapy. Mostly they are people who have been deeply traumatised, neglected or suffered great deprivation in their childhood.

These clients are often highly emotional, often very regressed and sometimes quite uncontained. They frequently only learn through action and the concrete and especially by us being very concrete in our care and concern for them. They idealize us at first. They demand or wish that we love them as much or more than anyone else in our world. Many profit by being held and nurtured in a very baby like way. But, can they then get up at the end of a session and go out into the world? Are they safe? Will they have a car crash on the way home? We worry about them. They occupy our minds constantly rather like the mother keeping the baby in mind.

As far as they are concerned it is not transference where they experience us as if we are their mother. In their mind we ARE their mother; a mother that they never experienced before. Therapy with this group can be very torrid at times and even gruelling as the idealization turns on its head when we somehow and inevitably betray them and we become hated and denigrated. During this time we can only hope that in the good times we have built up enough of a good enough presence in their minds and heart. If we have, then they may be able to stay with us, refrain from suicide or otherwise harming themselves and hopefully find new strength and a different sort of relationship from the stance of an adult."

I often consider selling everything I have, right down to my underwear, and emigrating to Australia :).

 

['91 Girl]

Yeah...that stuff is completely taboo where I live, too. Our experts would gasp if they heard someone was practicing in this way.

 

[Pencil]

It is 5h30 in the morning; this topic is so important to me that I went right through the night. Thanks Springer, Core, Rumors and 91 Girl.

 

[Core]

Apologies for that.

No need to apologize, I'm very happy that you know you're not alone. Come to think of it, I've never shared that with anyone before, it's simply never occured to me. There are layers and layers to why I was with the ex and why I stayed with him through the abuse - I suppose an unconscious effort to have the need for touch/attachment covered is one of them. It didn't work, especially not when the rapes began, but what if it suddenly had? And trying to get the need filled is better than nothing, though it really wasn't.

Actually, think of it this way; Some sleep around with strangers because 1. they want attachment/physical touch, 2. they want to have their attractiveness/loveableness confirmed, and 3. they've no idea how to form "proper" bonds/they're scared of true emotional intimacy. (I don't mind anyone sleeping with anyone as long as it involves consent, no children and no animals, they're just reasons some people do sleep around.) That is emotional conflict somewhat related to what you/we are going through. Not completely the same, but perhaps something to make you feel a bit less alienated from humanity?

And yes, it is a great way of connecting, sharing and doing so in a pretty safe environment.

 

['91 Girl]

Goodness Pencil! You need to sleep!!!

In fact, I am nearly halfway around the world from you and thinking I need to go to bed soon.

 

[Pencil]

completely taboo

Isn't that sad? Not too long ago lobotomies were fine, chaining people up, drilling holes in skulls, bloodletting etc were considered best practice. Don't people EVER learn that we are at best caught in a historical frame and what we consider taboo today might become standard practice in future. Makes me weak. I know this is the type of thing I need. How can anyone tell me it is 'taboo' or unscientific, or whatever???

 

[Pencil]

I've never shared that with anyone before, it's simply never occured to me

I also shared it for the first time on this forum. I'm glad you stumbled upon this thread :)

When I tried to explain this to the therapist she looked ready to run - even though I assured her I didn't want her to do the unthinkable. Oy..

 

['91 Girl]

Yes, very sad. I wish it was not like that.

Certainly, there are those who would take this info and abuse it. And there are those that already do so. And for some people, I'm sure it could become very unhealthy for them. But if the T knows what the heck they're doing, those are at least somewhat avoidable. And more people would be healed. But the emphasis on no-touch and emotional distance hurts a lot of people. I am very glad that my T is a little unconventional in that she is very emotionally engaged, almost to the point of making me feel uncomfortable. But it's because I have been around emotionally starved people my whole life. I don't know how to handle my own emotions, let alone another person's. So her connection and emotions entering the room are positive influences for me. Difficult, like touch is for you, but very positive.

 

[Core]

The idealization/devaluation part is interesting related to borderline personality disorder and emotional development as children, but the last part has been discussed in itself and they're both really quite obvious. :p

 

['91 Girl]

By the way, I don't have much in the way of issues with touch, but take everything you say about how difficult touch is for you and that's how I feel about most emotions. I don't handle them well at all. And like touch, expressing emotions is a key to attachment.