General My Son Brian

[Jim]

She knows. However. Not certain its wise to make an issue of it with her at the moment. Has enough on her plate for now. Frankly, it's more my problem than hers. Not her fault her brother is dead.

Jim.

 

[Kathy]

Yes, both Jim and I are guilty of wanting to be overprotective of Evie because of what happened to Brian, especially since they share PTSD. However, as Jim says, it is not Evie's fault that Brian is gone. Of course we want her to be safe and we try to shield her. On the other hand though, she is an adult, and her self-esteem is closely tied to being able to do things for herself. It is a delicate balancing act, between protecting her and letting her go, that we are struggling with at the moment.

I personally have felt both frightened and angry with her being suicidal this past week. Those are natural reactions of course, however I have had to step back and ask myself honestly how much of it is me reacting to Brian's death still. Evie is aware of both our feelings as we have talked to her at length over the past couple of days. We are trying to not harp on the issue too much though, as she is already feeling tremendously guilty and defeated over recent events and more than anything we want to encourage her.

 

[Kathy]

Brian's birthday is coming up very shortly (on the 5th of December) and I find I am quite dreading it. I am thinking back to my pregnancy, Brian being my firstborn, and how happy I was then to become a mother. Brian was a sweet baby. Lately I find myself looking at my new baby grandsons and thinking of Brian at that age. I desperately wish there was something we could have done to help him.

The children think we should do something for Brian's birthday, have dinner perhaps and share memories, however I am not certain I am up to that.

 

[Nicolette]

Oh dear Kathy. Perhaps you might feel a little stronger in a few days now Evie is back?

There is nothing I can say that can make you feel better but I wish I could. I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[Awakening]

I am thinking back to my pregnancy, Brian being my firstborn, and how happy I was then to become a mother. Brian was a sweet baby.

Kathy, I have not posted on here much in the past few days. Haven't been able to feel or do much. But this moves me to tears.

I'm so sorry for your loss.:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Sapper]

The children think we should do something for Brian's birthday, have dinner perhaps and share memories, however I am not certain I am up to that.

Mum you know you don't have to do anything you don't want. If your not up to it we understand.

 

[mouse]

Kathy,
I don't want to intrude, and I know losing a parent is very different than losing a child however I do know that grief is grief, and I wanted to tell that what has helped my family through this first year without my dad was celebrating the holidays and special days accepting that we miss him badly and remembering how much we loved him knowing he would want to be there celebrating with us if he could. I don't know if that helps but the only thing I do know is that we will always miss those who go before us, but every day it gets a little easier and sometimes you don't feel like its easier but it does. Do what you need to do, but keep moving forward if you can, and some days thats a whole lot easier than others, do take care of yourself.

 

[Tammy]

To Kathy and Jim,
I am so terribly sorry to hear of your heartbreak over your son's approaching birthday. I know there is nothing I can say to make any of you feel better. I must say though that my Nana's birthday the year after she died, my Mum, sisters and I went to dinner together and ended up at Mum's place afterwards talkng about the 'good old days', I found this extremely helpful in dealing with it. FOr me everytime I thought of my Nana, all I could picture was her the second she died in the hospital; but sitting around remembering the old times made me remember her differently. Just a thought, but it may actually help you all as well. But please don't push yourself to do anything you don't feel ready for. You are all in my thoughts and I will be thinking of you on the 5th, as I do most days. Please just try to remember the good times.
Tammy

 

[Kathy]

Thank you Mouse and Tammy. I very much appreciate the support. This is by no means a criticism nor directed at anyone in particular, however I feel I must say this as it keeps resurfacing in this thread. I do have previous experience with losing family members, I lost both my parents, and I was quite close to them. Additionally I lost a dear sister to cancer a few years back. With my parents and my sister, yes it was very difficult, however I was able to grieve in quite a normal fashion for all of them. Remembering good times was fairly easy after a few months. However, now that I have lost a child, I can honestly say that losing a child is a completely different scenario. A completely different level of grief, much more painful, a pain that I hope no one here ever has to experience. I very nearly wanted to end my own life over it. It is so unnatural to lose one's child, even now I sometimes can't wrap my head around it. I think it must all be a mistake, and that he will come home at any time. Whilst I have appreciated all the support here, the death of a child is a very different sort of grief, not something anyone can understand unless God forbid it has happened to them as well. I used to feel as many of you do that grief is grief, regardless of who you lose, however sadly I know now that that is not the case.

 

[grace5555]

Different Grief

Hi, Kathy,

My heart hurts for you and your family in the pain you are going through with Brian's leaving. Although I have no children and have never lost a child, I do agree with you that it is a totally different grief and pain. My brother lost a child, and we also lost a brother-in-law to a tragic accident and I know his parents and my parents grief over losing that son was so different to the grief of losing my grandmother or me losing a brother-in-law or niece. You are not supposed to have to bury a child - it is our job to bury our parents. I can't say anything to make it better - I just understand your grief is different as much as a non-mother can. My thoughts and prayers are with you...

Grace

 

[Kathy]

Thank you Grace, it is reassuring to know someone comprehends the difference. You explained yourself very well. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, we very much appreciate it.

 

[Tammy]

Hi Kathy,
I am so sorry that my comments bring home again the difference between grieving for a child and grieving for some one else. You are so right in saying that 'unless some one has lost a child they will not understand it'. I honestly cannot even begin to imagine how you feel and I guess I am being extremely rude to think that I do to some degree. Please don't feel that this is because of your earlier post, it actually occured to me before I even read it. Again I am sorry for your loss and I do hope that in time it will get that little bit easier! I know it won't get much easier but just the same...
My thoughts are with you
Tammy