Thoughts About Being Bisexual.

[intothelight]

Ayesha,

I got to thinking about what you mentioned about "basic and core" and I fully agree with you. Here is another thought that crossed my mind.

As children grow up and develop, they go through different phases, e.g. trying different roles, intense same sex friendships, not liking the opposite sex, developing a sexual preference, etc. I think that abuse, especially sexual abuse, disrupts this process. That individual search gets derailed somehow.

I think that as a person gets better, they have a chance to really sort out for themselves who they are as a sexual being. I fully understand your quest to learn about yourself and have a good understanding; and that it doesn't have anything to do with violating fidelity to your husband. I think it is about you understanding and defining for yourself, your own sexuality.

Ignore me if I am off base.

Deb

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Like always Debbie you have great insight and you hit the nail on the head. Every word. :)

That individual search gets derailed somehow.

Therapist agrees with this. He calls me a "late bloomer".

I fully understand your quest to learn about yourself and have a good understanding; and that it doesn't have anything to do with violating fidelity to your husband.

I just need to find a way to express that to Husband.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Husband and I are enjoying each other presence tonight. Over dinner we chatted about human rights, the diamond trade and buying a shelf for our bedroom. Pretty normal day for us.

Maybe I should bring it up. Maybe not. I am not in the mood to upset him. I would rather in enjoy my night and wake up feeling good in the morning. And there is so much to think about in terms of what was said here in this thread.

I think I really will work on that outline tomorrow. Use it to collect my thoughts. I am sure it will be okay.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Maybe the first step is trust? Developing some sort of trust foundation about the subject? It's not like he distrusts me in all subjects or even really distrusts me in this one. There is a shadow of doubt air he is giving off. From what I have realized from this thread it's pretty normal.

All this trust ties into this thread: [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/restoring-relationships-with-your-s-o.32737/[/DLMURL]

The thread that made me realize how much it has been ruined and needs work. Selfish of me not to think about that.

quest to learn about yourself and have a good understanding; and that it doesn't have anything to do with violating fidelity to your husband. I think it is about you understanding and defining for yourself, your own sexuality.

This really sums up how I feel about the subject.

But like a few of you here, he has wondered why I need to learn about it and has asked me a few months ago. I am thinking the term "explore" might be the wrong word to use in our future discussions. It implies a literal thought of exploration, like I might pursue a woman and 'explore' with her; not what I want in any sense. At least that comes to mind for me when I think of the word explore. I was sort of hoping the books I ordered might have a "how-to" section about telling your family or at least stories about how others have done it. Hopefully positive stories.

I see my therapist tomorrow.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

More of my analytical thoughts. I seem to have to many of them and this thread is helping to sort out.

I was getting my nails done and thinking about me being bisexual and this thread. I have a lot of thoughts about it.

The first person I ever found sexually attractive was a female, I think she was about 17 and she was my babysitter for a brief period. I didn't realize what I was feeling at the time. I also think I was a bit too young for those feelings. I was maybe...somewhere between 6 to 12 years old. I wont go into details of my thoughts about her, that's too embarrassing. I don't even think I could tell my therapist those thoughts. I really don't think they were normal kid thoughts. I think I somehow knew to much about sex. I mean the level of thoughts I was having...

But for the longest time I when I would think about that memory I would get very embarrassed. "Shame attack" as my therapist calls them. I never really thought about how it may have been somewhat normal. Sort of. Still maybe I was too young to be thinking some of those things I thought...Again, too embarrassed to share.

I'm tripping over myself here. I've never talked about this memory...:oops::oops:

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I tired talking about it. I tired having a discussion. We did and it was not an argument. I was straight forward but also aware of trying not to push him.

I have no idea how I am supposed to bring this up. I have no idea. So I sort of just stumbled around and probably did some damage. He told me that he doesn't really want to think about it. He wants to know how I would feel if I was married to a man that told me he was gay. I told him I am not gay. I am not homosexual, I am bisexual...

He said to simplify this discussion I want him to:

1) Understand that it is who I am.
2) Accept that is how it is going to be.
3) And hope that it does not change our relationship.

He doesn't know if that's possible and he does not want to think about it. He doesn't know if he will ever accept it.

Now I feel stupid. I tired telling him that is not a threat, that he should not feel threatened but he does anyway.

I should have just ignored my feelings. I should have just sweep it under the rug and ignored it. I expected to much and it could all have been fine if I had just shut up.

I am so used to telling him everything. We talk about everything. It sucks not being able to talk about this. I understand it's a lot to swallow, I am just not used to having the line of communication closed.

So I closed it. :speechless: I think I should just ignore it. Don't work through the feelings with him because that will upset him. Just ignore it. :speechless:

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I feel selfish.

And now I feel guilty and ashamed. I wasn't really feeling that before. Now I feel guilty for being me. That's not cool.

:speechless:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Awww. I know you just wanted to share a part of yourself with your husband, so getting shut down is hard.

I guess I'm having a hard time understanding your need to dish with him about this. He has told you that he is uncomfortable talking about it yet you continue to bring it up. I know that people say they're so close to somebody that they can share "anything" but I honestly doubt this is true of most people. We all have our comfort zones which means that there is something outside of our comfort zone that we don't want to delve into. And I think that you finally hit on one of these topics with your husband.

You're ok just the way you are. But...this is one of those things that sometimes take awhile for others to get used to. Up until now your husband probably thought he knew all about you. You yourself say that this is who you are. Essentially you told him that he doesn't know all about you. That's enough to shake up any relationship given how big sexuality is/can be to your self identity.

Maybe just let things rest for awhile. Perhaps gain acceptance with a trusted close friend in the meantime?

 

[HëllaBubz]

Ah darl this is a hard one.

Perhaps if you tell him that it's sort of like therapy, you need to air it, accept it and deal with it before moving on.

Now, I know I sound as though it's something to be ashamed of, but that may be the only way he may see it.

You might try asking him if he can understand that it's not something you want to explore, but rather something that you want to exhaust comprehensively.

I guess it's about finding out what really you want his reaction to be, why, and then explain all of those to him.

Then reiterate that his response is fine, you are just trying to help him understand your point of a view.

It doesn't matter how many times the listener says they understand, if the speaker doesn't feel satisfied the subject will never truly go away.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

You yourself say that this is who you are.

Are you talking about this?:

He said to simplify this discussion I want him to:

1) Understand that it is who I am.
2) Accept that is how it is going to be.
3) And hope that it does not change our relationship.

To clarify this is his list, not mine. But, yes.

I guess I'm having a hard time understanding your need to dish with him about this.

I guess I am having a hard time with the opposite. I don't understand how you can not bring this up with your partner.

He has told you that he is uncomfortable talking about it yet you continue to bring it up.

Actually this is one of the only serious conversations we have had about the subject. Most of the others have been said in passing. This is the first time we have sat down with the intention of talking about it.

Maybe just let things rest for awhile

Yup. I am going too.

 

[Abstract]

I am sorry this is all so loaded and complex.

. Now I feel guilty for being me. That's not coo

This is what occurred to me on reading this thread originally. That this is all very intense for you as maybe you are still learning to accept and understand yourself. I think once we do that then others opinions or others knowing these things becomes less important. I don't know if that makes sense or not.

His reactions will have huge significance for you because you are still learning to understand you. And your thoughts will have big significance as they relate to how he sees himself being able to fulfil what you want in a relationship.

I think it was Mayday early on in the thread who mentioned that men are quite "doing" focused. That doesnt mean it relates to actually doing something with someone else and rather is about him possibly getting blocked by the fact that he will never do or be these these things you have never had in a relationship.

Anyway that may not be helpful but what I wanted to say is that if you can hang in there a little and do some of this processing separately to him then it is quite possible that it wont feel so in need of his understanding and his witness. And think there can be a way of discussing these things with a partner once one is content that would be much less threatening. I am sure your thoughts have not been threatening of course and am just referring to his reactions! Just some thoughts to consider and possibly discard!

It seems you are close and want to share all with him and hopefully you can share enough with him in time that you will still feel you have this bond.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Perhaps if you tell him that it's sort of like therapy, you need to air it, accept it and deal with it before moving on.

I think this is a very good way of looking at it.