News Church's Emphasis On Marriage

[The Albatross]

I don't know how to live with people wanting me to go to church when I was a virgin when my abuser took my virginity and gave me herpes.

A woman at my church said the only way that I can experience healthy sex is through marriage. She said this with a SMILE.

And I am so confused and scared because 1 in 7 women are raped even in marriage.

Focusing on the statistic is fear based thinking. If I looked at the odds of my daily endeavors I'd be sitting in my living room for the rest of my life.

The woman in church was attempting to be reassuring. Sex versus marital conjugation are indeed two different things. It can be a deepening of the union, a mingling of the body/mind/spirit, and bring the experiences of joy, bliss, and ecstasy. It is where we can give and receive sensual pleasure. Having experienced pretty much the spectrum myself: rape/assault, sex with uncommitted partners, and marital sexual relations ... it has been indeed my experience that there is more joy in intimacy with a committed partner/spouse. Though I am broken in that area by sexual dysfunction, I can understand what the woman was trying to say. A healthy sexual intimacy in a marriage union is a vibrant part of Christian life and intimate relationship.

So far as the comment about virginity being regarded as "the only thing that matters", even in teen ministry in the 70's when I was in youth groups I have never heard that. What I did hear was that to avoid many of the pitfalls of life, abstinence was preferred. For a person like myself who had little sense of self worth, I didn't heed the message. I did though become, when I returned to my faith, repentant like Mary Magdalene. I was promiscuous. But your concern isn't about that... it is about a sexual assault. Honey it is not YOUR sin. The sin is your assailants to bear.

Perhaps you can square up your issues by learning in your faith how to deal with adversity. It helped me a lot. In life, there will be adversity... people of faith are dealt blows just like everyone else. Psalms 54-56 is a biblical model of David's way to deal with adversity and fear. Studying it helped me see how to turn away from the fears and to turn toward the God of my faith... what my attitude should be. (I studied it when being counseled with a mentor).

Herpes is a mark of the trauma like the scar I have on my face. It is a mark that can be painful to bear because it reminds me always of the trauma when I look in the mirror. But, it is past. Faith tells me that it is possible to live victoriously even when catastrophes happen (the book of Job) for reasons I am not ever going to know. I'm just saying that shame is optional, fear is optional, during the times I despair I remember Jesus telling the man near the fountain, "Get up off your mat and walk".

Stereotypes... I have personally found some credence to the innate nature of man and woman in the Bible, but am aware that there are thousands of denominations, statement of faiths, and doctrines under the banner of Christian. As an adult, I searched out and found the one that best suited me moving forward. You are not a captive of the faith of your baptism or youth. With the Holy Spirit, I hope you can seek out a denomination that "feeds" your soul and your spirit and heals your spiritual and psychic wounds.

I hope this helps you.

I am though curious about the title of the tread. I did not address it because I was confused by it.

 

[The Albatross]

Doubled back briefly to add. I found Paul's 7 letters to the churches comforting. He didn't condemn any, but took care to keenly discern and comment on the positives and negatives of each. I think that is something to keep in mind with regard to "the church". All are under the banner of Christian... but discernment is needed and an astute adult mind to find and select the right church. Gotta jet.

 

[Hashi]

PerfectlyFlawed, I'm sorry this topic is so upsetting for you.

I'm not sure I'm clear on which aspect you're discussing. Is the issue that people are pressurising you to go to a church whose views you don't like? Or that you feel betrayed by the church of your childhood?

There are a lot of churches and a lot of views, within Christianity. If faith is important to you but your particular church is upsetting, you have every right to go to a different one.

A woman at my church said the only way that I can experience healthy sex is through marriage. She said this with a SMILE. It scared me!

And I am so confused and scared because 1 in 7 women are raped even in marriage.

That woman was expressing her opinion. It was not a fact. It was not the opinion of every Christian. You don't have to take any notice of her opinion if it's not helpful to you.

Rape does not occur in loving marriages. It occurs in abusive ones. We can work to heal from the effects of trauma, learn ways to keep ourselves safe and be drawn to good, loving relationships. This is part of the healing process.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi PerfectlyFlawed, I'm sorry that you've been caused distress. :(

I do not know exactly which part specifically, or belief or connotation is causing such pain, but from your post (and I may be hearing you incorrectly, I apologize if so), but it sounds like you were raised with a particular belief system, raped (horrific), then (perhaps?) tormented by blaming yourself as somehow being excluded from the conditions of this belief system, which in other ways you now (as an adult, and as a woman) question as being patriarchal and unrealistic, incorrect, and needlessly damaging, excluding, and judgmental (especially to women). But you are attending church, so I m guessing it is of your own choice, and to contribute to what you need as a person. But then, along comes a woman whose comment re-opens old (and always current) wounds. Wounds if they are anything like mine have affected not only self-perception, but choices as well (which some stranger has no clue of and perhaps would never understand).

I can relate to many of the same aspects, in so far as being a single woman. Heterosexual, going to church, but.. what? I do not fit easily or by that definition in to most of the categories churches of my denomination focus around. There is a place for families, for children, for the elderly, even likely single men more than women, not really for younger people or single people though. Or at least that is how I feel when I am triggered or under more stress. Other times I could think, as per that woman's comment above, just her opinion and she has no clue of the complexities.

All I do know is, I agree with the others above, rape has no bearing on virginty, virgnity no bearing on your worth, and no 'God' or Higher Being out there would have any judgment of you or love you any less. I would suspect 'God' would love and care for you more, understanding your suffering and struggles. I realize it's human nature to want to put people neatly into (square) 'boxes', but personally I know I don't fit as with ptsd alone let alone anything else I am 'round'. Not to mention (for me, personally), I refused to get married without having love, passion and commitment (all) present (without abuse). To say "I do" forever is a long time. That's how God made me.

What boggles my mind, is that from what I know of the Bible, the key figures in it were likely viewed as outcasts at some level, or perhaps would not be welcomed or would be judged in many churches today. Including Jesus or Mary, far as that goes, they could have viewed her as an unmarried mom, a refugee, etc. Human interpretation of Divine events, as it were. I imagine 'God' hopes we'd overlook to some degree what is unfairly put on us by others.

I don't think most churches have places for women unless one is under the umbrella of 'wife, mother, elderly or youth'. If you are not, especially as regards this thread topic, you can't win, because if others presume you're having sex they can judge that as being against your religion or a 'sin', and if the presume you're not they wonder why, or they can't wrap their head around it so assume somebody is lying. However, that's JMHO. What I do think, is that God wouldn't view it (or you) that way. But, each church or denomination has specific beliefs, you follow them or you don't. It's not up to the church to dictate what the world follows, each person must choose. In many places people are killed for going to church.

I hope you don't define yourself negatively, and you find a place or people you can feel accepted, loved, understood and supported with, and are able to worship in the way true to yourself.

 

[Tinyflame]

Was thinking PerfectlyFlawed, people go to church if they choose for their own personal reasons, the biggest not being social ones per se but oftentimes for strengh, gratitude, prayers etc etc. You can't control being triggered, but you CAN control or affect if you choose to go to Church, where, and what you believe about yourself. Sometimes it's even a question of whether it's more important to try, despite the pain of the triggers. The structure itself is what it is, it's been different depending on the times in history, this is where it is now. But, 'God' doesn't change. (And can't be boxed in. :) ) I am sure it's hard for even those within the church, they hear and know the feedback and challenges facing restoring people's faith, people leaving or not feeling welcome or not wanting to be there, and attempts to overcome exclusion.

But I bet for every person like that woman, there are lots who don't feel that way, too. You just don't hear them speak up. Anyone who does like she did isn't minding their own business, or thinking very deeply or critically before they speak., or is outright ignorant of things they don't even know exist, possibly, or the related after-effects, like ptsd, or the prevalence of abuse,, rape, sexual assault etc. My guess, anyway.

The key is to no longer be triggered. Then you can still choose what you want without the added pain, self-recriminations and stress.

Best wishes to you.

 

[anthony]

I think being human is about some level of morals, ethics and self-control, to conduct ourselves in a way that we find fits us best, without hurting others to the best of our ability. Religion to me is interpretative and well... a lot of nonsense. God didn't write the bible, some person with an agenda wrote it, then they edited it, edited it further, and so forth during history. What version is a bible at nowadays? Human agenda has created and edited a guide... and a guide to me is something you get to choose what you do, and do not, take away from it to apply in your life.

There are plenty of crackpots in the world who read a bible and only get out the destructive carnage aspects. Is that what the writer wanted? Did they only want you to be pure and utopian, without ever factoring what should be done to evil? Who decides who is evil or not without judgement and equality?

Religion is a belief system... and everyone is free to choose what they believe. My only point, is that whether you believe, don't believe, believe x, y or z... is that you keep it to your belief system, and don't try pushing it down the throats of others.

If someone prays, then good for them. If they want to pray for another, so be it. But don't tell me that I should pray. Respect IMHO... has a lot to do with. Respect each other, respect beliefs, which goes every which way.

 

[The Albatross]

Is this on the right thread? The original poster (though I could be mistaken) is a person of faith.

But Anthony for what it's worth, I would never presume to tell anybody to pray that wasn't already a faith based person, though I do pray at times for the forum and what a blessing it has been for me... even though, or maybe especially because you are who you are.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I completely get what Anthony is saying.

I think some people are well intended, but misguided. Sometimes it's best to just smile and walk away from these people as arguing oftentimes gets you nowhere.

In the end, we're all just human and imperfect by definition. This includes churches, which are run by humans.

I encourage you to find other avenues by which to practice your faith if your church isn't meeting your needs.

 

[Blondie362]

I have read through this thread quite a few times, and just would like to offer my own experience. I think that religion of any denomination is sowed into us as children, we absorb what we are taught be it from parents who are religious or parents who arnt we take on board what we are being told from an early age. Its only as we get older we have the ability to start making our own minds up about what we truly believe, and therein for some people that's when inner conflict and turmoil can begin.

As I have got older and have had some pretty tough life experiences, I have questioned faith and what I truly believe in. My sister last year became a born again christian, and its caused quite alot of friction between us, I respect her views, however she dosn't seem to respect mine, I really struggle with her telling me that everything I have been through is the work of the devil...and she seems on a crusade to " spread the word" I now can't even open up to her about things I am dealing with about my bad days with PTSD as I get a good bible bashing and its starting to drive me away from her.

I don't consider myself to be religious, more spiritual- I like to think I have a guardian angel who has saved my life more than once- not god, but that's my own belief.

I respect people who get comfort from the bible and god, but wish that the respect would be equally returned for those of us who don't.

 

[saffy]

I respect people who get comfort from the bible and god, but wish that the respect would be equally returned for those of us who don't.

I think this is a problem for a lot of people when considering Christianity and other faiths.

I like to believe that the 'teachings' of Jesus were just that teachings which were based on ancient stories and behaviours that focused on humanity and personal behaviours and attitudes. 'God' is inside us, it is how we behave towards others and ourselves in a positive and awakened way.

However, I find some of those who have chosen to lead their lives by the bible are missing the point, they condemn and judge others, they show no respect for other views, they only take out parts that satisfy certain needs or personal beliefs, sometimes leading to radical behaviour.

Is it supposed to be more about tolerance, respect for fellow man, non judgemental towards other humans but guide them in the way that will allow love and peace?

It is also about personal attitudes that should not be based on greed, possessions or class/status or hypocrisy or abandoning the poor, sick or needy.

People who turn to the bible in life are normally looking for this guidance but are misguided by others interpretations of it. They need someone to turn to, to blame, to make sense of the world as it is.

But I like to think that it can only come from within. It is what you choose to do as an individual which makes a difference to life as it is.

We all know what it means between right and wrong. We should also remember that as individuals we have choices, we have the ability to make the right decisions based on what feels right and moral.

We are all responsible for our own actions and thoughts and no body else's therefore we should not blame our selves for other people's actions.

We do have the right to walk away or to protect ourselves against those who have negative issues that affect their behaviour towards other people. But we do also have the right not to judge them but to assert our feelings.

That should all come from within really and if the church is where you want to celebrate feeling like this then this shows that the 'teaching' of Jesus could be seen as a good guide on the way we should all be and that if people want to see Jesus as their deity then they have every right to, but remember what you get out of it is up to you.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[HëllaBubz]

Big Hugs all round for Saffy - couldn't have said it better myself!

 

[PerfectlyFlawed]

These are all great posts! Thank you all for replying. I grew up as a kid in the church so I was boggled at the fact I was raped at 19. It was not in my plans. Now I'm trying to figure a way to not be triggered. And All I have learned thus far, I have to redo and blend in my rape too.