Getting What I Deserve?

[Ayasha]

I know I've mentioned in previous threads that I self-harm; I've done so for years in various ways. I've convinced myself over the years that I deserve pain and I deserve to hurt. It is irrational and absolutely wrong and I am working on fully believing that.

I've actually done well, all things considered. I have not cut since January and it's been even longer since I hit walls to harm myself either. The sad thing is, in February my right wrist began hurting me rather badly after I had been doing some cleaning which has been normal for me for a long time. This time, though, taking it easy didn't make the pain go away and I couldn't bend my wrist without pain. With the encouragement of a very kind therapist here, I finally gave in and saw a specialist; turns out I tore the cartilage in my wrist. Who knows how long it has actually been torn but I am certain I weakened it by harming myself.

My therapist told me she's sorry that I am having to have surgery to repair the damage but I told her I didn't understand why she is sorry. I did this to myself and I deserve to hurt, don't I? Tearing the cartilage even after I was no longer hitting things to hurt myself is my punishment, wouldn't you think? She asked if I felt I deserved this level of pain and to be honest, I probably do but I can also say I am really tired of hurting.

I haven't harmed myself recently despite wanting to on occasion; I honestly think this is because I am already feeling pain. So what happens after I heal from this surgery? I know right now I say I've learned my lesson when it comes to self-harm but how long will that last?

 

[piratelady]

Perhaps this is an opportunity to use this time to develop better coping techniques? Then when the pain subsides and something happens that causes the urge to self-harm you can will have other options to use instead.

 

[YogiBear]

Dear Ayasha,

My Therapist recently told me an interesting story of a child-killer in Washington. It's a horrific story, but what stuck in my mind was what the child said who escaped the killer, "I am sorry, what have I done wrong?"

When we're abused, like the child who got away, we often think that we had control--we did something wrong. The truth is that a child or adult does not deserve to be deliberately hurt by another. This is the experience of many of us who have overcome trauma or other difficult circumstances. We believe we could have avoided it, that we could have done better, or that we deserved it.

I had a best friend in high school who self-cut. People do this for various reasons. All I can tell you is that you do not deserve the pain.

Wishing you peace and happiness,
YogiBear

 

[Hashi]

I've learned my lesson when it comes to self-harm but how long will that last?

I don't think learning something has to be seen as punitive. Poor coping strategies can have negative consequences, it's cause and effect. That's not the same as being punished for wrong doing. I'm speaking from my personal experience of poor coping strategies and dealing with the consequences.

Maybe you need to forgive yourself for what has happened. At any rate, I think it's really important to work on healthier coping strategies. We need some kind of coping, which is why simply trying to take away a harmful strategy doesn't work - it has to be replaced with other things.

Its really hard work, I know. I sympathise with you.

 

[nimkekaa]

I did this to myself and I deserve to hurt, don't I?

I'm curious to know what you would say to a friend that self harms. Would you tell them they deserve to hurt because they cut themselves? Would you say " that's what you deserve for repeatedly hurting yourself" Or would you tell them that you were sorry that they didn't have any other way of expressing themselves except through self harm.

I just wonder if your like me and tend to be harder on yourself then others. I am trying really hard to ask myself what I would say if it was a friend of mine and then tell myself that over and over. Usually it's much nicer things I say.

Hugs for you if you need them.

 

[Only 1 of me]

Hi Ayasha, thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure many others here will recognise what you describe. The feeling of being bad and needing to be punished, or the idea that you deserve pain. I have/had similar thoughts- my body looks all wrong to me unless it is bruised and or bleeding and once I start it's very hard to stop. I haven't self harmed since the beginning of January. I still have difficult thoughts but I have learned that they pass.

My therapist encouraged me to believe I have a choice in my behaviours, there is a window before I start self harming (however small it may be) when I can choose to do something else. It takes paying attention to spot it, and then practising the alternative coping skills but I do feel I am getting somewhere. If I can, then it shows it can be done. Unlearning our old beliefs is hard work and takes support. Keep us posted and stay strong.

 

[Ayasha]

When we're abused, like the child who got away, we often think that we had control--we did something wrong. The truth is that a child or adult does not deserve to be deliberately hurt by another.

I was a child when the trauma began and I still struggle with not blaming myself for all the things that were done to me.

I just wonder if your like me and tend to be harder on yourself then others.

Sadly, I am very hard on myself but I am working on it. And you are right- I would never tell a friend he/she deserved this either.

Thank you all. My surgery is tomorrow and I'll be talking to my therapist about this so we can keep working on healthier coping. :)

 

[Lucycat]

Good luck with the surgery.

I am sorry that you need it, but it is great that people care enough about you to want to fix you! I expect your negative automatic thoughts will turn that into ' but they are only doing their job'. But that will not be true. Tomorrow when you go for surgery count how many acts of kindness you see towards yourself. Take in the compassion and empathy and store it in your good memories.

Take care and all the best,
Lucy x

 

[Ayasha]

Thank you, it did go well.

At first I often did believe these people were just doing their jobs but now I know better, they genuinely care about me and even though I don't understand why, they still care. Even when I get scared of being pushed out of my comfort zone, they won't let my fear/anger push them away. I am so lucky to have found such great support. My therapist and I are working to make sure I work on healthier outlets instead of hurting myself so I don't end up needing surgery like this again.

 

[fyredrift23]

I'm happy your surgery went well, Ayasha! :)