Speak

[Lady of Longbourn]

This thread is actually tying in with the book 'Speak', which is also a very good movie. For those people who have read it will probably understand better. But the main story is: A girl gets raped at a party and calls the police. She panics about having to tell the police, and people believing her that runs away from the party. People at the party get caught and some people arrested. Everyone knows she called but no one knows why as she doesn't tell anyone. She enters the 9th grade with no friends and people bully her. Her rapist goes to her school and she spends a lot of time not talking and getting bad grades. Since she hasn't told anyone, she often gets in trouble becasue it seems no one realizes and notices the signs of severe depression.

I have been going through my books lately and I dug out this book and started reading it again. It did put some things into perspective for me since it reminds me so much of what I went through in school.

I often blame myself for not speaking up and this book changes that. It brings the snowball effect into the story that the main character can't really control. She has not one to tell even if she wanted too. The man who raped her is well liked in the school. The thought of even if she tells that no one will believe her- which is a great fear among rape victims and does happen.

Even the part in the book where she talks about not talking all day, and the scabs around her mouth from biting her lips reminds me of what I went through. I remember my voice being rough and my lips having a film from not even opening my mouth all day. People looked over me a lot like I wasn't there. Teachers wouldn't call on me or even look at me. People thought I was just lazy. I didn't have a single friend.

Actually what makes me angry the most is the big signs of someone who is deeply depressed and no one noticing. I read about her and I look back at me in school and I always think How come no one noticed? I mean it's so clear to me that she is depressed, she even has psychical signs just like I did. Instead for me, everyone thought I was slow. Literally.

But I am wondering if anyone can add to this. Speaking was hard for me ( emotionally and psychically) during that time of being in school with depressed, anxiety and being raped. Also becoming pregnant at one point from being raped.

Speaking is so hard and this book makes it pretty clear to me why I didn't but I still blame myself and still struggle with it.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I often wonder...What did I want to happen if I spoke? And what I wonder would have actually happened?

I honestly believe if I did speak in high school it wouldn't have mattered. Nothing would have changed. I told my parents I needed help when I was 19 and things just got worse. Also a friend after high school, who I shared the sexual abuse with told my mother without my permission and again, nothing changed. No one tried to help me, I was just supposed to be 'strong'. I was supposed to have a 'Independence plan' for moving out. I guess my mother thought that if she tried to make me strong ( strong in her world) that it would all just go away and I would magically be fine.

It makes me very angry.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Another thought about speaking up.

After high school I thought about driving to the nearer hospital and confessing everything. Of being brave and walking up the the nearest desk and telling them everything...that I was sexually abused, that I was so depressed and that I think about killing myself all the time. That I had plans of how. I was willing to beg them to help me. I even pictured that in my mind, me on my knees and crying.

But I thought they would laugh at me and send me away. I really thought that. At no time, in any part of my life was help given so I had no idea how to find it. I really thought they would laugh at me. I know now that's not true. Hospitals take suicide seriously.

The other thought and this was equally scary in my mind, was that even if the hospital took me in...I knew my parents would stick me with the bill. I couldn't pay for it and that thought scared me so much. I knew my parents wouldn't understand why I did it, just like they didn't understand my request for a therapist. The thought of having such a big bill freaked me out becasue I thought once the hospital checked me out that I would just be back to where I was. Nothing would change.

 

[maddog]

Gosh, Ayesha, you have no idea just how current and relevant and confronting this exact issue is for me. I too went through the entirety of my school days, including 8 years in a boarding school, carrying the silent secrets of the abuse that had occurred throughout my entire life and which continued relentlessly during every holiday and all of the many occasions that my father took me out of school. I told nobody, truly didn't know how to speakor what I would say, sometimes fantasised painfully about the reality of blurting it out, and yet somehow knew I never could. Nobody would have believed me. My family were high profile and well respected in the community and my father was endlessly skilled at creating a public image of us as the perfect happy family. Everyone - even intelligent people who I thought had probing observant minds - were mindlessly convinced. Nobody would have believed me. Everyone already thought I was odd and unwell and withdrawn, and the only remedial attention paid to me by the school was to address these issues of dysfunction, about which my father publically lamented and swore he was getting me the help I needed.

I carried my secrets - and my scars - with me through all of my schooling, my secrets hidden silently inside of me just as the scars were hidden under my clothing. Just as the scars would occasionally bleed out into reality, so would my secrets, and yet just as reality blamed me for the blood and the scars and accused me of attention seeking self harm, the world ignored and dismissed my bleeding secrets... a long way into my adulthood.

3 years ago something horrible happened to me that I didn't tell anyone, because even as an adult, even with the resources I never had as achild,I believed nobody would believe me. And so I didn't tell... until a couple of weeks ago.

As I said, this thread resonates so very very deeply with me.

Who wrote the book? I'd like to read it?

Maddog

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Everyone already thought I was odd

I found some old school paperwork of teacher parent meeting where my mother told the school I was 'difficult' and 'different'. I feel for you because I know exactly how you feel.

Who wrote the book?

Dead Link Removed It is a very well known book, you can find it at any bookstore in the young adult section.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

fantasised painfully about the reality of blurting it out, and yet somehow knew I never could.

I did this so much too. I still beat myself up for not saying anything. I keep thinking that there must have been someone I could tell but I always draw a blank. There was no one. I was so scared of having to say it and so scared people wouldn't believe me. I was terrified that if I did say something that I still wouldn't get help.

I could have just blurted it out. Went up to my English teacher, up too a school counselor or even my GP. I thought of telling him. Just saying it; "I am being raped. Can you help me?" But it was all so scary. Facing the people, the police, my parents, the school, the teachers, other students and then of course the person who was raping me. He would have hurt me.

I mean exactly how would that have gone? I can't even picture it.

 

[Abstract]

remember my voice being rough and my lips having a film from not even opening my mouth all day. People looked over me a lot like I wasn't there. Teachers wouldn't call on me or even look at me.

I too have had issues speaking and the above sounds very familiar. I think it was general fear for me. There was some instinctive sense that if I never made a sound then I would be "safer". Maybe I wouldnt be there and did not exist. At the same time being looked through felt damaging. A teacher did eventually approach my mother to check if "everything was OK at home" as he thought I was depressed. Much to my mothers fury. The rest of the story for me is very different. I did not have something that I thought I should be saying or asking people for help. I did not think. I just went from moment to moment.

I think its appalling that your parents would have lumped you with the bill and that you felt you could not tell anyone.

I actually think there is normally good reason that people don't tell and often that is because they instinctively know there is no one safe to hear it. Or that they have been deeply trained not to.

I am very sorry noone helped you, noticed or heard you. I think it is a huge contributor to developing PTSD. At least you are speaking now. :tup:

I too would like to read the book so thank you.

 

[Leah123]

I told. When I was in high school.

I told.

Police/social worker types came, and interviewed me. I spent a lot of hours getting interviewed by a social worker. I ended up exiled from my father's which was very good, in the end, and breaking away, being torn away from my entire family.

It was a nightmare, I dropped out of high school, and I went what felt like mad for a short time.
So, why do I mention it? Well, just to say.... it might seem easier in retrospect to second guess ourselves, but.... we all did our best, we were all deeply impaired by our suffering and abuse, in my opinion.

I'm just grateful to be older and a little wiser now.

 

[Emma13]

I almost told in high school. The school had asked a police officer to come to the school and talk about telling teachers or police officers when someone is hurting you. After the event I went up to the guidance counselor and asked her hypothetical questions about what to do if a person knew of someone who was being abused. She asked me if I knew of someone who was being abused. I was about to tell her that it was me, but I hesitated and said no.

 

[Emma13]

The book and movie are exceptional. Kristen Stewart (Bella from Twilight) plays the main character. She is much better in Speak than twilight.

 

[Loner]

Oh i could go on and on about this. If people view someone as different, and they don't know why, they will be uncomfortable. They don't understand the person and assume they are the way they areby choice. They get angry at this because they want the person to fit in better and be easier to understand, they are angered by their inability to understand because it makes them feel stupid. If they view someone as anti social they don't think the person is scared or depressed, they just take it as an insult that they think the person thinks of themselves as too superior to socialize with anyone. They can even have this view while simultaneously judging someone as weak and pathetic. They tend to assume that the person has no real problems and is the way they are just because they are choosingto be that way, and as a result, judge them.

There isalso the reality that there are some good people who might be more empathetic and perceptive, but may just not know how to reach out to someone, or be afraid to make things worse.

I haven't read the book, but it seems to me the moral of the story is that like it or not people are the way they are and its up to us to have a voice for ourselves when we need to.

 

[Abstract]

Just looked at the description. Looks very interesting and also reminded me of another film I watched with a similar story line. I can't remember the name but maybe someone else will.

It was a young boy who displayed selective mutism and it was because of something that he witnessed to do with his brother. It was a much older film but I found it very helpful to watch.