The Albatross
VIP Member
Day 27 - Tell us a story about yourself in the midst of your addiction/disorder. It can be positive or negative.
Ack. :unsure:
An abused girl in a violent and dysfunctional house grew up with some very messed up ideas about life, relationships, and decided the world was a very dangerous place. She tried experimenting with cutting and asphyxia and would fashion nooses and put them around her neck when she was 12-16. She turned down offers for street drugs but started smoking cigarettes and occasionally dipped into the liquor cabinet into her mother's Southern Comfort (which her mother would drink a shot of in a very hot bath tub - she observed it "helped"her mother calm down). Her mother was being abused and was on Librium and Valium - she didn't notice. Her father was having extramarital affairs and he didn't notice either. The domestic violence and abuse increased and her father tried to kill her mother a couple of times.
She began to steal a Librium or Valium from her mother when things would get "real bad". She was threatened a lot by her father with being kicked out, put in juvenile hall, or told she wouldn't be able to return if she tried to run away. She began to leave for school as early as possible and stay away from home as late as she dared. She became a chronic truant in high school. When the administrators called her in and asked her about it, she told the truth.
A head counselor and a psychology teacher arranged to call her in once a week, back to back and the 16 year old was told that if she needed to, she could ask for a pass and could see a counselor and then get an appointment to see the psychology teacher if she really needed to. She continued to ditch school but would go to the public park and do her homework... she couldn't tolerate being in class or being around the other students and people her own age. She couldn't relate to them. The truant officer stayed at a respectful distance, but she knew he was there and she began to realize he was making sure that she was safe. He never turned her in and only approached her to talk at the park once.
She stopped cutting. She stopped stealing her mother's prescription sedatives. She stopped trying to will herself to quit breathing when she lay in bed at night and could hear her parents screaming, fighting and her father's fist on her mother "thud, thump, bang, crash". She quit tying nooses and trying to asphyxiate herself. She started staying in class more. The school gave her an after class job as a teachers aide with second graders. She realized she was being mentored. She realized someone was trying to help her.
She began to have some hope. No matter how hard things get, she has a special memory to keep in her pocket. It has been a useful memory to hold near because as she grew into a woman she learned that sometimes for absolutely no reason, people come into your life and give you a gift. They care, and are kind, and assist because they choose to... not because they want something from you. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish these people from the others, the untrustworthy ones.
But three and a half decades later, there have been a string of special people. People that have helped her for no ulterior motives. She stopped drinking booze. She tried many times to deal with life on her own... but she realized the best place for her was in recovery.
She beat alcohol abuse. She learned she had PTSD. She found others with PTSD and has been learning about managing it instead of the way she had been living before... and things got better. Mostly.
(best I could do today) I have very little concept of before trauma. I became aware and was affected most likely with PTSD at around 6 years old as near as I can figure.
Ack. :unsure:
An abused girl in a violent and dysfunctional house grew up with some very messed up ideas about life, relationships, and decided the world was a very dangerous place. She tried experimenting with cutting and asphyxia and would fashion nooses and put them around her neck when she was 12-16. She turned down offers for street drugs but started smoking cigarettes and occasionally dipped into the liquor cabinet into her mother's Southern Comfort (which her mother would drink a shot of in a very hot bath tub - she observed it "helped"her mother calm down). Her mother was being abused and was on Librium and Valium - she didn't notice. Her father was having extramarital affairs and he didn't notice either. The domestic violence and abuse increased and her father tried to kill her mother a couple of times.
She began to steal a Librium or Valium from her mother when things would get "real bad". She was threatened a lot by her father with being kicked out, put in juvenile hall, or told she wouldn't be able to return if she tried to run away. She began to leave for school as early as possible and stay away from home as late as she dared. She became a chronic truant in high school. When the administrators called her in and asked her about it, she told the truth.
A head counselor and a psychology teacher arranged to call her in once a week, back to back and the 16 year old was told that if she needed to, she could ask for a pass and could see a counselor and then get an appointment to see the psychology teacher if she really needed to. She continued to ditch school but would go to the public park and do her homework... she couldn't tolerate being in class or being around the other students and people her own age. She couldn't relate to them. The truant officer stayed at a respectful distance, but she knew he was there and she began to realize he was making sure that she was safe. He never turned her in and only approached her to talk at the park once.
She stopped cutting. She stopped stealing her mother's prescription sedatives. She stopped trying to will herself to quit breathing when she lay in bed at night and could hear her parents screaming, fighting and her father's fist on her mother "thud, thump, bang, crash". She quit tying nooses and trying to asphyxiate herself. She started staying in class more. The school gave her an after class job as a teachers aide with second graders. She realized she was being mentored. She realized someone was trying to help her.
She began to have some hope. No matter how hard things get, she has a special memory to keep in her pocket. It has been a useful memory to hold near because as she grew into a woman she learned that sometimes for absolutely no reason, people come into your life and give you a gift. They care, and are kind, and assist because they choose to... not because they want something from you. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish these people from the others, the untrustworthy ones.
But three and a half decades later, there have been a string of special people. People that have helped her for no ulterior motives. She stopped drinking booze. She tried many times to deal with life on her own... but she realized the best place for her was in recovery.
She beat alcohol abuse. She learned she had PTSD. She found others with PTSD and has been learning about managing it instead of the way she had been living before... and things got better. Mostly.
(best I could do today) I have very little concept of before trauma. I became aware and was affected most likely with PTSD at around 6 years old as near as I can figure.
