Emdr Questions; Been In ~10 Sessions

[Tif]

Hi,

So, quick background... I'm processing a lot of trauma: childhood physical abuse, rape, repeated abandonment, a failed six year abusive relationship...

This week, my therapist said I cleared the first target we'd attempted, which was great. And weird. I don't really feel anything about it right now, kind of like looking in on someone else's experience.

She suggested we work on something having to do with my ex, as some of the things on my list are a little fresh at the moment (big issues with my mother). So, we started on something having to do with my ex.

When I was with him, I had one of the two blackouts I've experienced. He was screaming at me, in my face, I was terrified, and the next thing I knew, I was pounding on his chest with my fists and screaming... I just wanted to get him away from me.

During my session, I started to remember part of the rape, and I was really scared to go there. She told me it was up to me, and that I was safe. We kept going. I started to remember during my blackout with my ex, not what was happening, but just anger, really intense anger. Like I haven't felt before.

After we were done, I tried to visit my safe place, but it was really hard to get there, and when I did, a figure from my nightmares was there. So we had to set a new safe place. She said it wasn't uncommon, but it really freaked me out.

Then, I couldn't wake up this morning and I've been sick all day.

I'm a little freaked out. Does anyone else have experiences like this?

 

[KP the nut]

(((Tif))) - that is a hug if you accept them.

It's okay, keep telling yourself you are safe and that it is a memory, then BREATHE.

EMDR was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life (including having 2 children). It sounds as if you have an amazing therapist, I was lucky in that respect as well.

My therapist would tell me to take it easy after sessions and that things may crop up. I used to think of it as my mind continuing to process the session and what had come up. My therapist used essential lemon oil with me, a couple of drops on a tissue and breathe it slowly. I still use it, other oils work as well but lemon is my favourite.

You are not alone.

 

[Tif]

Thank you, KP. It was so scary that my safe place wasn't safe anymore. That was the worst thing... I used to have really intense nightmares about someone coming after me, trying to kill me, for years and years. I'd wake up with panic attacks, sometimes screaming. I called him the dark man, because he didn't have a face and was kind of shadowy. It was so disorienting to have him appear in that one place I thought was safe.

We set a new safe place, though... And I know I'm safe, me physically. I'm just so disoriented right now, and I'm still sick. (Second day out of work, in bed at home.)

I mean, EMDR has been effective in a way nothing else has been for me... I think because I can never really trust anyone, even my therapist, no matter how long we've been working together. So working stuff through in my own mind isn't as hard as even thinking about talking it through. I just feel really disoriented right now.

 

[samson]

I have had these same sort of nightmares. Dark figure, no face, coming towards me. I have been doing emdr for over a year now and I haven't had one of those in a long time. I'm so sorry he was in your safe place. I understand being disoriented too. I have left my therapists office and driven the opposite way of where I live. Just completely spent and lost.

Can you call your therapist? Mine would not like it if I was missing work after a session. She might want to help you calm down.

 

[Tif]

Thanks Samson. :)

I'm not missing because of the experience, though. I've literally been sick in bed, fever, chills and sweats, head pounding. I think the stress of everything that's going on right now, coupled with Tuesday night, was just too much and my body broke.

Just a little background.... I've been financially supporting my mother for the last year, and she broke an important promise to me. This was a big deal, because she was a drunk who abandoned me when I was 15, 16, and 18 by kicking me out of her house. (No, I wasn't into drugs or anything, just the pain from flashbacks and SI and suicide attempts.) So it took a lot for me to trust her. I told her six months ago if she ever threatened to kick me out again, I'd leave. Well, she did, so I found my own place.

In the time since, she's stolen from me, told me she doesn't want to hear from me, basically disowned me, turned the one sister who cared about me against me, took the car I fixed up leaving me without transportation for work...

At the same time, I have been working 40+ hrs/week and filling in the gaps while we hire a program supervisor for my location (so, it's just me and a PT staff and our volunteers--nonprofit work), and we've been looking since December. And I'm a 3/4 time student at the local college, preparing for transfer to university. And I was physically ill up until April.

Also, my T quit. Well, I couldn't make my 7 AM slot while I was sick, and when I called for an appointment after I got better, I learned that she'd finished her internship. But she called me and took me on as one of her ongoing clients, which was super generous of her since I'm broke and I pay on a sliding scale.

So, a lot has been happening. I think it just got to be more than I could handle this week, what with finals and all.

 

[samson]

Ok. Sorry I assumed it was from the session. :) Sounds like you have alot of stress going on. I completely understand. I'm very glad that your therapist stayed with you. emdr is hard work. We have gotten mostly through a sexual trauma and moved on to other things, but I had another flashback this week. A different memory from the trauma. This time I was actually able to put it in the container and leave it there on my own. I have never been able to do that before - flashbacks always send me reeling. It does get better - you just have to hang in there and trust your therapist.

 

[Tif]

I don't know that I trust anyone in the world. But I guess that's what's great about EMDR, that I don't have to hash out every little thing with my T.

Well, I have to go and take a history final. Ughh... Why today? >.<

 

[Maggiemay]

*huggles *

 

[Tinyflame]

Hello Tif, I am sorry, that is monumental stress. :( Hope your final went great! Plus it will be done. :)

Can I ask, I thought EMDR is not recommended for multiple traumas? Also, what do you mean by "you are not talking about it", if you are talking about it (revealing it)? And how does one find or 'create' a mental 'safe place'? Nothing comes to mind (and am least likely to relate to or even be able to recall those feelings when I most need it).

Thank you. (PS, your posts were so kind on the other thread about self-harm, thank you).

 

[Tif]

Hi June,

Good questions. I read up, and apparently (although there had been doubts in its infancy), it's effective for multiple traumas. From a Time Magazine article with Francine Shapiro:

Q: Some people claim that EMDR is most helpful for single traumatic memories, but less so for people who have experienced ongoing trauma over a long period of time.

A: It’s not that it works better, it takes longer when you have multiple traumatic experiences because there are more memories that need to be processed. And if it was childhood onset, because of the traumatic experience, they didn’t necessarily [learn the] socialization and skills and that are needed at the time.

Within EMDR, we have a three-pronged approach. First, identify and process the earlier memories that set the groundwork [for the problem], then process current stimuli that trigger distress, and third, incorporate whatever skills and education are necessary to overcome developmental deficits and provide what the person needs for the future.

Basically, the way my T described EMDR is like you're in a train looking out the window, and only telling what you see at the stations you stop at. I think about the single traumatic image, then, as she moves her fingers back and forth, I left my mind go where it will. Every two or three minutes, she'll pause and ask me, "Where are you now?" and I tell her the thought, image, feeling, or whatever it is I'm experiencing at the moment.

I have control, I can stop anytime. And if something is too uncomfortable, I can move away from it. I also get the choice, if something is too painful, not to tell her what it is, and she honors that (since I don't refuse to say something too often). Which is great, because I have trust issues bigger than Texas.

Setting a safe place... Well, you imagine a place that's completely safe, somewhere you know no one could ever hurt you. Then, you explore the space in your mind, what it's like, how the air feels, what sounds are there, smells, everything. It's a visualization. And that's where you go when you're done with a session or you need to just center. :)

I hope that helps!

 

[Tif]

I can't link to the article, by the way, because of post requirements...

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Tif, it does- very different than what I thought. I could see that being potentially useful because you wouldn't have the 'time' (or focus) to think 'about' saying it, or all it entails, if that makes sense. Similar to talking about something while you're doing something else, or somewhere else. I've often thought therapy etc would be better in a park! I also did not think you could always say "no", you didn't want to say anything.

I could only envision (for myself) headaches being a problem with that, because I have non-bilateral vision, but I get them anyway.

Just one last question, does a 'safe place' have to be real, or a 'fantasy' one? I can't think of anywhere I could feel that relaxed. But then again I'm attrociously bad at visualizations. I try but it's impossible.

Thank you for your help, I think I have relatives in Texas- truly! :) ;)