General Ptsd, Marriage And Sex

[skipdo]

So, I've seen a lot of posts similar but I really didn't want to hijack one for my own questions.

I have been married to my wife for 8 years. She started getting therapy for PTSD (childhood sexual abuse) and taking antidepressants and medication for ADD in the second year of our marriage. She went to counseling for about 3 years and went through some seriously hard stuff in the course of that counseling. The doctors suggested that we abstain from sex for at least a year, that stretched out to be two years or so. I agreed and gave her all the space and support that was suggested.

Eventually the we started having sex again. This was a big step for her and there were many rules for me to follow. I had been to some of her counseling sessions with her so I understand what was required of me and adhered by those rules.

My best friend died in December. He was 33. It was very sudden. It triggered something in me. I want to be myself. I don't want to tiptoe around. My feelings, needs and wants have always been on the back burner since she started counseling and I really don't know if I can live my life like that anymore.

My sex drive is off the charts. My wife and I used to have the best sex before we got married. It was one of the reasons I married her. I know that sounds incredibly shallow but I know what I want and I know how I am. We used to be best friends also but it seems that the medication has taken away the woman I fell in love with.

We have talked about all of this and she is willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work. She is working so hard to get all of this straightened out. She is working with her doctors to reduce/eliminate her meds. I am really proud of her. I am just not sure if I want to live like this. I don't want the rules. I want to feel loved. I need to be touched and to touch her (sexually or not).

I know no one but myself can decide what to do. I guess I am just looking for advice on how to cope with all of this. Will it ever be like it was before we were married?

 

[Nicolette]

I know no one but myself can decide what to do. I guess I am just looking for advice on how to cope with all of this. Will it ever be like it was before we were married?

Life is ever changing and what was may never be - I would be striving for a new 'good' place where you are both are happy.

My feelings, needs and wants have always been on the back burner since she started counseling and I really don't know if I can live my life like that anymore.

This is something only you can decide. It's a difficult place to be so you have to weigh up the situation both short and long term. It's not easy.

She is working so hard to get all of this straightened out. She is working with her doctors to reduce/eliminate her meds. I am really proud of her. I am just not sure if I want to live like this. I don't want the rules. I want to feel loved. I need to be touched and to touch her (sexually or not).

I would work on touching without sexual involvement just like when you were dating... sitting on the couch snuggling, holding hands, try to find the intimacy rather than expecting it to re-appear. People fall in and out of love with their partner for periods of time at different times during a long term relationship - as long as you can get back to being in love together it usually is viewed as 'getting through the tough times'. PTSD adds a whole new realm to this and only you can decide if you can cope with it.

 

[rightkindofme]

You will never get back to what you had. Life isn't like that. But you could have something good. Something you feel proud of having worked for. You have to want it though. You have to want it so bad you shake.

She will probably always have rules. If you can't deal with rules then you probably can't be in a relationship with anyone. Rules are her way of being her-and-not-you. You have rules too.

I'm sorry it is hard. My husband would not be able to agree to that long without sex. He has flat told me he would divorce me if we hit a year without sex and no sex in sight. :-\ This marriage business is really hard.

 

[skipdo]

Nicolette, Thanks for the response. All really good points. I've been trying to introduce more intimacy without sex. The issue is that everything feels sexual for my wife. Just the other day I came home and gave her a big hug from behind and kissed the top of her head (she's short ;)) and she was uncomfortable with that. It's pretty much any physical contact that makes her uncomfortable so talking is pretty much the only emotional contact I have with her. I've told her and do tell her it has nothing to do with sex but it is still uncomfortable for her. That leaves me in this stuck situation where I don't know how to have any intimacy with my wife. Talking is about it.

 

[skipdo]

Rightkindofme, Marriage is hard! I know there will always be rules but you can't take absolutely everything off the table, can you? I am a really laid back/open minded kind of person. I have very few rules. I've always lived life like that.

I'm not entirely sure that I want it that bad. Obviously I need to figure that out.

If I can make it for almost 2 years without sex, anyone can do it, seriously anyone!

 

[rightkindofme]

When I'm in a seriously non-touchy phase I sit on the far side of the couch away from him and he's allowed to rub my feet. It makes us both happy. :)

 

[skipdo]

Funny! We did that exact thing yesterday.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Skipdo, coming at this from a 'sufferer's' perspective, I think you're actually doing really well. Both of you. To even be able to talk about these difficulties would be hard for me (and resulted in me and my ex going our separate ways, because he went looking somewhere else). So first off, massive well done!

Secondly, the thing with childhood sexual abuse is that often both 'good' and usually regarded as 'non-threatening' intimacy is used to gain a child's trust and is then abused. This then makes it hard to identify when something is 'non-threatening' or if it's going to turn very bad very quickly. The affectionate hug (and the way you wrote about it makes me smile as it's evident how much you care for her) could turn nasty to her. How does a child know when a 'good hug' from a trusted adult is actually a good one, or an indication of abuse that's about to happen? That fear never really goes away.

Keep talking, rubbing feet is good! Close but distant and just nice. I guess just asking/announcing that you'd like a hug from her, making it clear you just want to show her you love her and that's all would be a start? As romantic as giving her a hug from behind might be in normal circumstances, it's a shock and triggers a danger response I suppose. But her giving you a hug, because you would like a hug, because she is the woman you love, is less threatening. She's in control, but you're making it clear that you need affection. That way, you're making how you feel clearer too.

Good luck! :)

 

[Barberian]

[Sufferer]

Will it ever be like it was before we were married?

If it does go back to the way it was, it would be comparable to winning the lottery, even for anybody, not just you.

The beginning of almost all relationships are like you described - hot, sex filled nights and weekends and, and, and... But most settle down after a while. Some people are in love with the "falling in love" part of relationships and when a relationship settles down they move on to a new partner to re-create that feeling. They are chronic partner changers.

The reality of life is that if you "settle down" with someone for a long time relationship, it will have it's ups and downs. You married your wife with most likely a vow to "Cherish, love, bla bla bla in sickness and in health". Are you a man of your word or are you a selfish coward that will run to the arms of another woman when things get tough? I do give you credit for hangin in for the 2 years you have so far. She obviously loves you and is doing all she can to make you happy within her limitations. If you stay with her, she will most likely improve, although it may never be back to the way it was. Even in "normal" relationships it is never like it was in the beginning after the "honeymoon" phase is over.

You have two hands, use one to make yourself "happy" if you need to. Buy some toys for solo. Engage your wife in a conversation if she is willing to help you with some toys. It may open up some new "frontiers" for the two of you without her having to have intercourse with you, but you still get your "kicks".

My wife and I haven't had intimate relations in over 4 1/2 years because of her health issues. I have no plans on leaving her because I meant my vows I said to my wife before my Bishop and the Lord.

 

[madmax]

Barberian: Well said!!

 

[naturebaby_85]

I second that - wow Barberian - your post was so englightening and bang on the mark!

It remind me a LOT of a book I've read by Harville Hendrix - called "keeping the love you find" - it talks a lot about sticking it through the "romantic love" stage and what real love is al about, what factors come into play from the past when we choose our partners etc etc.

I'd recommend the book to all!

 

[rightkindofme]

Harville Hendrix has several really good books. I'm also a big fan of Al Siebert who wrote a bunch of books on resiliency.

There are so many smart people trying to figure out how relationships and life work. :)