The big black hole that is isolation.

[Abstract]

It is as if it is an entity of its own - sucking all sense of connection into its depths. I can feel myself sinking ever deeper and it almost feels like certain things are getting to a stage where I won't be able to get back.

I am not holed up at home and am working my few hours a week and am forcing myself to see friends. I have done more in the last month than I have in a long time. But somehow it almost leaves me feeling more separate.

It is like I start feeling like a figment of my own imagination; a rumour someone made up.

When it comes to true connection I seem to be loosing the capacity and it feels like I am heading for a place where I can't get it back. Any interaction leaves me feeling bruised and confused.

I feel like I am swimming and am doing the work (there are many things I do) but it doesn't seem to be working like it used to. And I think many people are giving up on me and a big part of me is glad for them.

Does anyone understand and does anyone have any suggestions?

 

[Queen Boudica]

Yes, I do exactly. Just recently, it is even worse. I have been pushing myself to do more. I am interacting with loads of people, but it is such hard work and they exhaust me. I end up feeling on the outside, alien, sensitive and noticing every thing is wrong. I feel different. I interact and it is reasonably OK but then afterwards I feel like it was all wrong and I did it all wrong.

Not sure I am explaining it right. It just feels exhausting. My friends I feel on the outside and like I am reacting so wrongly with them that they see me as odd and awkward and too much effort. I don't know what I am doing wrong, but I know I feel it is wrong and the reaction I get from others is distant, like I am just not quite right, I must look and behave odd.


The more interactions I have the more I notice it and the more uncomfortable I get. I just don't want to do it anymore. It becomes too much.

Not sure if any of that makes sense. I just feel so odd.

 

[rightkindofme]

I don't do connection very well. I see people because I understand that "long-term relationships involve time spent" but I don't feel emotionally close to almost anyone but my kids. I'm aware that these people I am spending time with will dump me soon. I can't waste my energy on liking them.

No one else likes me very much. I can't give away some of my life-sustaining energy on people who aren't going to like me anyway. :( I will stand near them and pretend to be cheerful and upbeat--most people who know me don't know about the PTSD and are shocked when they find out. I'm a good actor. My inner process is not one that casual people get to know about.

So I have a lot of surface relationships. I don't think this is healthier. So I feel like maybe I understand but I don't have a healthy suggestion. :(

 

[Anna]

I prefer being alone. Other people exhaust me and just make me feel bad about myself.

 

[rightkindofme]

I hang out with people because I feel guilty for isolating my home schooled children. They "deserve socialization" so I try to ignore the fact that talking to people tends to lead to wanting to cut myself. This is not a great cycle. I don't know how this will work over the years.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Yes, sometimes I feel so awful I feel like hurting myself too

 

[rightkindofme]

So, I haven't cut in a while. Sometimes I go years between incidents. Right now I explain the urge to cut as: for most of my life being around people involved intense pain. If I don't experience intense pain organically through the nature of the interaction (I pick some AWESOME people [that was said in my sarcastic voice]) then it is my job to supply the pain later so that I never break the association. Being with people = pain.

I am trying to become aware of that as a broken thought process. I don't want my kids to feel this way so how do I model (or pretend to model) a different kind of interaction? It is really hard.

 

[Queen Boudica]

No for me the hurting myself is just I hate myself and how I interact, I feel such a failure I feel so horrible inside, so stupid and useless and such a freak, I want to rip myself open to get rid of that feeling. But maybe that is so used to interacting with horrible people who got me feeling like that and then I still feel like that even when the interaction is OK?? Not sure. Too hard to pin point why when you feel so bad. It just feels so horrible. I'm so fed up of feeling so horrible.

 

[rightkindofme]

I have been in similar spaces. I can offer no words of wisdom. For me the chemical soup in my brain shifts and sometimes I feel that way and sometimes I don't. I don't think the shifts are because of anything predictable or controllable on my part in the main. Mostly I'm just at the mercy of the swells.

For me cutting and head banging are different. When I am in that kind of pain, useless, worthless, stupid, should die I tend to go for things like beating my head on concrete. Cutting is for when I want to feel small. When I need to control the pain down to a fine, thin line.

It is interesting how differently self-hatred can manifest. Uhm if you are into studying that sort of thing. heh.

 

[DMerish]

It is as if it is an entity of its own - sucking all sense of connection into its depths. I can feel myself sinking ever deeper and it almost feels like certain things are getting to a stage where I won't be able to get back.

Hi Abstract,

I think I have a sense of what you're talking about. The events in my life and my PTSD might be considered mild/moderate, but the cumulative effect coupled with tending to the needs of others and getting older is makes it hard for me to have a life beyond doing the necessary things of daily life (which I sometimes avoid). In other words, I have a life, my body is alive, but I'm not often really living.

It is like I start feeling like a figment of my own imagination

Sometimes I "fake it" around other people, i.e. act friendly, interested and somewhat happy/satisfied with life, in the hope of feeling that connection with others. Sometimes doing it is exhausting, and then I will literally isolate myself again to regain some energy.

I was thinking about this very thing last night, and discovered that I haven't engaged in any of the things I used to be interested. I mean personal interests . . . like walking and hiking in nature, reading and being part of a book group, playing my ukulele, and going out dancing, or to a museum, etc. Many of these things I haven't done because I've needed to tend to other people's needs (other people/family members are more important than me), and because of lack of time or money.

So, last night I decided to look at re-evaluating what my interests are, try to conjure up some of the old feelings in connection to them, and perhaps develop some new interests irrespective of connecting with others. I don't know . . . maybe I need to let go of the old connection(s), the faking it with others, and just focus on things I'm interested in (alone) and that by doing so I'll begin having the sense of being genuinely connected with others around our mutual interests.

Have you tried this? Has anyone tried this?

Drew ~

 

[Tinyflame]

No words of wisdom Abstract, except to say I'd 'like' your post 1000 times and relate to every word, so well expressed.

I can only think, these negative feelings lead to isolation, and do indeed "= ptsd". The only way around it is to recpognize that it is ptsd, not true.

Big :hug: 's.

 

[Pencil]

Does anyone understand and does anyone have any suggestions?

I understand fully, and relate totally, and have absolutely no sensible suggestions. I ignore awareness of it as best I can otherwise I just go down faster.