What Do You Do If You Have No Supporter In Your Life?

[anonymous]

I have no idea. I have a peson in my everyday life that says "You can talk to me anytime". An hour later I listen to her complain when someone else comes in and talks to her about having a bad day. She is always cheery to the person's face but as soon as the person is gone she almost explodes in frustration because everyone goes to her with thier problems. It isn't just a one time thing, it happens a couple times a week. I don't talk to her about much. Another person who will talk to me likes to talk about everyone, I don't talk to her about my problems either.

My family isn't close and my parent's just make me feel guilty about not talking to them. I can't talk to them, I never could and right now I can't get over the fact that my current medical problems are because of neglect when I was a child. I never used to think of them as neglectful but they didn't see so many things they should have. I needed help and I didn't get it.

My therapist doesn't think I need to talk anymore about the trauma and I haven't seen her in months. My psychiatrist doesn't like to talk, she prescribes meds and I think that is all she wants to do. I have had sessions that she set up to talk that she cut short from an hour to 10 minutes.

I don't know how to talk to people. It is a skill that I never learned. I go out and the only people that talk to me are the ones that have to because it is thier job, store clerks, waitresses, gas station attendants or bank tellers. When I can handle crowds I stand there.., invisible, no one notices i am there and it just makes me sad and I don't know how to make it change.

Even on the forum, I feel invisible most of the time. I am sure there are others out there that feel the same. How does someone that isolates themselves change? How do you keep reaching out when no one reaches back? How do you keep reaching out when all you get is a virtual hug but no actual advice?

 

[Pencil]

Ditto to everything you say.

I listen to people - and have a reputation for being a good listener. But the same people who talk about their stuff incessantly get antsy if I talk about my stuff. I have zero support outside the forum.

As for the other things you mention, I have NO clue and will be reading the responses as I am dying to know.

 

[franciemarnie]

I empathize with you for sure. For years I was totally isolated except for superficial relationships at work. And with my depression and numbed out state, I had no energy or organic interests with which to meet people. I became addicted to painkillers and when I bottomed out, I reluctantly tried meetings. I definitely had a point of view then and energy to back it with people who knew what I was talking about and that began my return to civilization.

I had to care about something and meet people with the same concerns.

What about a PTSD support group or looking for people in your neck of the woods with PTSD on this forum?

I know it is rough. I felt very alone for years. Invisible is the word.

 

[DharmaGirl]

You know, I have little support too. The people on my support plan all have issues that they bring to me. No one is really able to listen. They want to take me to the hospital if I am down. Every single one of them. One of them even took my meds away (so I wouldn't kill myself) but didn't give me any Ativan. I needed the Ativan but it ended up inpatient when it didn't need to be. My therapist (T) talked to him about the Ativan.

I joined a walking group to find new friends, but promptly ruptured my hamstring in several places. I used to join chronic pain groups but that didn't turn out to be good idea since I want friends to do things with and talk to about things, not just problems. I've been thinking of joining a book club. I see and say hi to people when I walk my dogs. That is huge for me. I don't think I've left the house since Monday. Yikes.

Anyway, I will start up with the walking group again as soon as my leg will let me. I enjoyed the one walk I had, it was nice for people to not know I have PTSD. I don't have a good answer, and I hope to find out myself too. I asked my T about this and he said I am in the transition part (or something like that) and that I won't want to hang around my old friends, but have yet to make new relationships. Eww, I hate the word relationship. It sounds dirty to me for some reason.

Anyway, I will be looking for answers here too.

 

[Hashi]

Sorry Pencil because I know this won't apply to you at the moment, but Anonymous - I'm wondering if you can still have therapy? Can you afford it or does your insurance cover it?

I'm not very clear about your therapist deciding you don't need to talk about trauma any more, whether that's something you agree with or not. Also not very clear how much it was your decision to stop seeing her, or her recommendation. Do you think it would be good to start seeing her again, or to start seeing a different therapist?

Whether you think more trauma work is needed or not, therapy doesn't have to be only for specifically discussing the trauma, in fact I think that's only part of it for all of us. We also need to look at the effect on us and our lives, and get help and support with trying to build a better life for ourselves now. All the kinds of things you mention are things that I think therapy can help with.

There are also courses and programmes that can help with interpersonal skills and interacting with people. These might come under headings like emotional intelligence, communication skills, NLP (neuro-linguistic programming), happiness, overcoming shyness etc. They should cover things like building rapport with people, seeing things from the other person's point of view, and steps to build your confidence and self esteem.

These aren't therapy though, only skills training. It sounds like you still have things to work through that therapy could help with. Especially if you feel the lack of being able to talk about your problems with people. It sounds like you also sometimes struggle with crowds and feeling guilty about not being in contact with your parents. And it seems you have depression, since you posted this in the depression forum.

If you're looking specifically for support, then that might be something different from having more contact and being able to talk with people generally. Unless it's actually a support group, I wouldn't expect new friends and acquaintances to give support for problems and emotional issues because things tend to be more social until the friendship has lasted a while.

Is it OK to ask how/why you stopped seeing your previous therapist a few months ago?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you should go back to therapy if its an option. I won't talk about my trauma anymore as its been done ad nauseam, but I still have issues to work on. My therapist is helping me work through these issues. Perhaps your therapist could work on skills and activities that move you in the direction of being more social?

 

[Abstract]

Hi Anonymous,

A few things struck me. Excuse me if I am repeating anything already said - I am on my phone without good reception.

Please correct me but it seems there are the following things you would like to address:
1. Speaking about trauma specifically with a professional.
2. Emotional support when you need it from friends and family.
3. Social skills in general.
4. Chronic feelings of invisibility.
5. Being able to put boundaries up with unhelpful people and pick out safer people to be friends with.
Is that right?

The first thing that occurred to me is that therapy doesn't have to be about nitty gritty details about trauma. I am not sure if you have fully done that or not but I have been told that even when that part of therapy has been dealt with it doesn't mean we should stop talking about how the trauma made us feel, how it impacted our lives indirectly or directly or resolving how it affects our relationships with those involved or who were witnesses. We should be able to talk about these things for as long as we need to. I would think seeing a therapist would be a great idea and if not this one maybe someone else. Rememeber that people have therapy for such things as social phobia, relationship problems and much more. Having PTSD doesn't mean you can't benefit in this way too.

When it comes to friends. I think it is worthwhile reevaluating like monster said. Some people will never be the type of people you can go to with a problem or for emotional support. The two you mention are good examples. I try to carefully consider if someone is a safe bet before entrusting them with this part of me. Doing that has meant I have discovered that noone in my present life fits the bill. I don't have anyone in my life that I could go to if I was in trouble and am not in a place to be able to make the appropriote friendships either.

I think we can still have relationships with people who are not going to be an emotional support. We just need to accept what that relationship is and isn't. I think it's all about being aware of what is what, having approiote relationships and making new friends with the right people.

When it comes to social skills there is an enormous amount we can do. I was the most socially inept person anyone could find. My social phobia was really bad. At school I chose to get no marks rather than speak in class for orals. The only way I could speak to people later was if I had had a drink. My PTSD certainly causes trouble and I still have a lot of problems around relationships but I am socially pretty adept these days. It can be done with hard work.

Invisibility. Oh my goodness this has been a big thing in my life. I would literally see myself dientegrate at times in an hullucinagenic way. I think a lot of this came from two things for me. The first is internal thought processes and judgements and these linked to horrible family dynamics and trauma, and the second was to do with how I interacted with others as a result. The more I could not take in a conversation and the more inauthentic I felt or the more I betrayed my inner self the more invisible I felt. I think feeling seen is about us respecting ourselves and being able to relate in a way to others that shows we expect respect from them too. Hiding away or self betrayal result in invisibility.

When it comes to boundaries and managing relationships healthily we can all learn that too. If I as hopeless inassertive mess that I was can learn then anyone can with the right help.

Sorry for being so long winded. Just do feel for you. I certainly am no modell for healthy relationships but a lot has changed and it has helped me a lot. As for getting support and being OK with it :-+

 

[Pencil]

I also find the support on the forum minimal at best.

I'm going through a really really really tough time that threatens to go into despair, and the comments reflect a complete lack of understanding.

I guess it is the medium, but the point remains - I do not feel supported or understood or heard or seen - here or elsewhere. I obviously don't send the right signals. What would the right signal be?

 

[Britt.f7]

I think the majority of us have a difficult time reaching out, so it may not be a lack of support out there. It may be our perception. I know that I have people who would be willing to listen, on here and elsewhere, but that doesn't mean I can reach out. I am working on that aspect of myself with therapy. Therapy is the only place I can go where I don't feel guilty about spilling things or worry about hurting someone or judged(that's a big one for me).

I'm not sure why your therapist said that about the trauma, perhaps she was trying to steer you away from that to focus on other things. I know my therapist doesn't refer to the trauma, though she let's me talk about it when needed. Only you can decide if therapy is right for you and if, perhaps, you need a different therapist.

I think your gut instincts about those people you mentioned who say you can talk to them is right on. I wouldn't, even if I could, reach out to them.

I wish you didn't feel so alone.

 

[rainy_daze]

I will do my best to reply to you Anonymous, while replying to Pencil as well, because it's a similar theme.

Even on the forum, I feel invisible most of the time. I am sure there are others out there that feel the same. How does someone that isolates themselves change? How do you keep reaching out when no one reaches back? How do you keep reaching out when all you get is a virtual hug but no actual advice?

and

I do not feel supported or understood or heard or seen - here or elsewhere. I obviously don't send the right signals. What would the right signal be?

I think they are both valid points and I find them difficult to answer I'm not sure why, but I do.

I think some people like the virtual hugs and other people don't; some people want advice instead. I say, ask for it. Post a thread, and ask for advice specifically (as you have done with this one Anonymous). I think keep trying to communicate with others as best as you can.

It has taken me a very long time to feel comfortable here, and I still hold back for my own reasons, but I feel supported when I ask for the support. I think using the chat is a good way to feel less isolated, participating on the chit chat pages and threads as well. There's a book club thread too. I don't know where in the world you are Anonymous, but people sometimes arrange to meet up. That's the best advice I can give at the moment Anonymous, is to keep trying not to isolate in as many ways as possible. There are people here who care and are supportive, and that has been my experience of this forum since I joined about a year and a half ago (I think that's how long it's been now).

Pencil, I hear you and I see you with your cat avatar, and I'm trying to understand as best as I can. I find the support really great here, so obviously I can only understand what you're saying up to a point. I don't know if you mean what signals can you give here online or in your own everyday life?

I find that if I don't want to be noticed in my life I do a very good job of hiding myself away to the point where I feel like no one sees me, so it's about me taking the little instances of human connection when I get them. And that's coming from me, who has family and friends. I can only imagine it is made more difficult without a supporter. In terms of getting support from people on this forum, say what it is you need to feel supported and I'm sure people will do their best, as I've tried to do in this reply to the original post and what you've said Pencil. The only signal you need to give is say "Hey I'm here, please hear me", and I have heard you. In terms of in your own everyday life, I can only suggest working on body language or accepting what support there is, or attempting to find support from elsewhere.

I hope this has helped Anonymous, this is the best post I can do at the moment. Wishing the isolating feelings get better for those experiencing them soon (including myself; I really wouldn't be on this forum if I didn't feel isolated with PTSD).

 

[Pencil]

Rainy daze - nice to bump into you again, it's been quite a while :)

I like your post, but :D

I get what you're saying and I agree, BUT (sorry) I find that at those times I want support things are too complex for others to understand - for the simple reason that I am at those times a mess with attachment issues, a 4 yo inner child, lack of resources, being a single mother, all rolled into one. What invariably happens is that there's so much going on that I spend so much time trying to explain what's going on, while the other person or people don't quite follow.

Furthermore, even on this forum it has happened OFTEN that I state explicitly that I need support or that I'm going through a heavy time, and I either end up with people disagreeing with me regarding my emotions (!:confused:!) or giving me responses that make me feel exposed but not cared for or understood or supported.

I know I'm making myself very unpopular now (no wonder the original poster went incognito for THIS topic! ). I obviously don't always feel this, otherwise I wouldn't be on the site still. But there are times, like NOW as I'm going through something I find extremely upsetting (retraumatizing would be more correct) and .... aaaargh gawd, here I go explaining again and NOT getting support.

Zaniara - if you read this - your response earlier this week was so spot-on and made me feel visible and validated. Thank you.

And Rainy daze, thanks for taking the time to post a response. I really appreciate it.

 

[Abstract]

or the simple reason that I am at those times a mess with attachment issues, a 4 yo inner child, lack of resources, being a single mother, all rolled into one. What invariably happens is that there's so much going on that I spend so much time trying to explain what's going on, while the other person or people don't quite follow.

Pencil,
I think your main response is actually aimed at me and I will answer where I said things previously. I suspect you actually partly want to say "Abstract" rather than aim this at the whole forum but did not. You are not unpopular with me. I am wondering if you feel the way you describe about all the many responses and outpourings of support and care you get on diary. I suspect what is happening for you is partly different to what Anonymous is talking about but obviously can't be sure.

I think that questions can seem very difficult if emotions are very high and the topic very difficult. Having a questions instead of what one may have had in mind. The other realisation for me was that I had needed something extremely specific. Without realising it I hoped or expected the other party to know exactly what I needed and give it to me. Anything else felt awful. Shattering.

(Talking about larger concepts here) also sometimes someone with care very much and may very well give us something we need but it may not be what we had in mind or wanted and it may be even be very upsetting to consider. Sometimes it can be much harder to have these conversations than just giving someone what they want. It can come from a great place of caring too. Someone not giving us exactly what we had in mind, pointing a coexisting reality or asking questions sometimes is not in any way about how little someone cares or understands the pain we are in.

Someone giving ideas of something different does not necessarily cancel out the possibility that someone understands or cares. For example: I say I am having the worst panic attack of my life and it is awful beyond words. Someone says, "have you tried doing mindfulness". There can be the feeling, "how can you suggest that? You are not understanding. If you did you would not suggest anything. I need validation" when in fact the person understands what is being said very well, validates and truly empathises with the situation, and yet is still suggesting something that although sounds simple could help. I hope that makes sense. I will answer you specifically elsewhere in more depth as I suspect Anonymous has sightly different concerns but wanted to put these thoughts here too. Hopefully you will not misunderstand what I have said here.