Looking To My Therapist For Things I Know I Need To Learn Myself... Somehow

[Hashi]

Not sure if that title makes any sense.

I haven't seen my therapist for two weeks, and I'm really feeling the lack of seeing her. What I'm missing most is simply being in a room with someone who's positive and hopeful for me instead of judging, criticising and hating various things about me. I'm painfully aware that the rest of the time the person in the room doing the judging, criticising and hating is... me.

I know I need to learn to be more of a friend to myself. There've been times when I've been much better at this than I am now, and I'm not sure why it's so bad at the moment.

I need my therapist to think in a healthier way for me, while I struggle so hard to think healthily for myself. I need her to have hope for a better future for me, because I don't. I need her to believe in me, because I don't. I need her to be nice to me, because I'm horrible to myself.

Do other people feel this, and if so what do you think about it?

I can see it being natural, and perhaps even healthy up to a point. Depending on another person in any way is very hard for me, so maybe this kind of dependency can be a good thing to an extent. But am I relying too much on her doing this for me, instead of me learning to do it for myself? Is this a good thing to depend on someone else for?

I recently had to unwillingly take few months off therapy for financial reasons. Although I didn't want to do that, I have to admit it forced me to manage my thinking and take care of myself better. I do have strategies and techniques for that, I just don't always use them because it's so hard and so much effort.

I feel I have to learn to take more responsibility for this myself, and to have more compassion for myself, and not always look to my therapist to prop me up. Otherwise I'll be in therapy for the rest of my life. And it's exhausting dealing with my negativity towards myself all day. But challenging that is exhausting too.

 

[intothelight]

Hashi,

Great topic! This is the battle I fight daily....I am my own worst enemy. :(

Somewhere along the way, all of the negative things I was told during my childhood and in my abusive marriage have become the filter through which I view myself, and even worse, through which I think that other people view me. At this point I know that it is part of the disorder and that my thinking is distorted, but it is a hard thought process to break.

At this point I am slowly getting better, but it is exhausting. I have to stop, catch the thinking, refute it and then redirect it into something that is realistic and not tied to old messages of the past. When I started using the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques, I thought there would be a beginning and an end. I am quickly finding that I need to employ these techniques on a daily basis.

It took me a long time to develop the thinking patterns that I have an it will take a long time to learn to think differently. I know that no one can do this for me and it is something that only I can change and do for myself. I am fortunate enough to have people in my life and here on the forum that will point out when I am being negative, and I am grateful for their insight, encouragement, and support. Ultimately the only one who can change how I treat myself is me.

 

[DMerish]

Hashi,

The title made perfect sense. Like you said, there are times you've been a better friend to yourself, and implied the sense of dependence on your therapist hasn't been as strong. To need other people and feel needed is natural. To have a friend, family member, or therapist that understands you and has your best interests at heart is strengthening. Like a "good parent" those people help us move beyond our limitations, our fears, push us a little to become more whole and healthy, mirror sides of us that are sometimes not possible for us to recognize in ourselves, and lend us confidence and hope when we're not in touch with those things within ourselves.

Dependency in its self isn't a "bad" thing unless its not reciprocated, but reciprocation is not always directed back to the person from whom we received support, help and hope from. This forum is a good example of that, in my opinion.

I've read your posts. They've been supportive and helpful to others - I think you're perfectly normal in regards to this dependency thingy - in the sense that you are willing to take responsibility for yourself, you desire to work on issues, and you are "here" for others. It's just that sometimes we retreat (illness, finances, depression, other priorities) and take a step back, before we begin moving forward again. No blame. No judgment. Be gentle with yourself.

Drew :hug:

 

[Leah123]

Hi, Hashi. Sorry you're struggling so. I find it easier to be nice to myself when I surround myself with affirming objects, music, and favorite activities. Creating external reminders to be kind to myself is a lot easier for me than trying to remember to do affirmations or arguing with my inner critic so much. By setting up outside reminders, like my little statue of Quan Yin here at my desk, I get feedback throughout the day that I deserve kindness and compassion. It helps me a lot.

I need my therapist to think in a healthier way for me, while I struggle so hard to think healthily for myself. I need her to have hope for a better future for me, because I don't. I need her to believe in me, because I don't. I need her to be nice to me, because I'm horrible to myself.

This is 100% true for me as well. I write her letters that say "tell me that..." where I'm literally asking her to give me the affirmation that I need so much. I believe it's a healthy dependency, although I find it troubling sometimes and I feel insecure, embarrassed and angry at relying on her sometimes. It seems to me, when we're trying to change ourselves, we're off balance, and need someone to lean on, and that as long as we choose that person wisely, it is safe and healing to be able to rely on someone to bolster us. I think that if the therapy is done well, we won't be weakened by the dependency, but strengthened, that it just takes some time, but that we'll come out of it with the skills you mention, having more compassion, kindness, hope, etc.

There've been times when I've been much better at this than I am now, and I'm not sure why it's so bad at the moment.

I run into that issue also, knowing that I was healthier in some regard in the past, and regretting where I am now, but my therapist says healing is not a linear process. I know sometimes I have to revisit things, though it's very hard to do, and even to admit I need to, but I hope you take comfort, not concern, in knowing you've done well before, because it's proof you can again, and hopefully will be easier than ever once you get through the current struggle. I like to think that as I continue to work on things, the healing will be deeper, and relapses will decrease. :)

 

[Hope4future]

Hashi, Your struggle feels so familiar to me. When I've voiced my concern about dependency I'm reminded that it's only temporary and part of the journey of healing. If the trauma was interpersonal than it can only be healed within the context of healing and safe relationships. The relationship with your therapist being one of those.

It's good to check in with yourself and your T if you're worried about being too dependent, but, in my opinion, it's also important to give yourself permission to lean on others at times. We aren't meant to go it alone. Even though sometimes it feels safer that way or like we deserve to be alone.

You do a lot of good on here and I imagine in other parts of your life. Allow others to help. Allow yourself to be helped. Easier said than done, I know.

 

[franciemarnie]

I also identify with what you are feeling and thinking. It is natural to feel and think this way I believe especially for those of us who learned that we could not depend on others in our formative years in harsh and violent ways.

I have felt uneasy in my life depending on anyone in addition to having the idea that it was somehow weak, which it is not. We are social animals and are built to survive in cooperation with others in our "tribe".

This isn't a great metaphor but the best I can think of now. It is as if my arms were broken once and they weren't tended to and healed properly so that sometimes I have not been able to feed myself or take care of myself the way others could who were never similarly damaged. Having a good therapist or significant supporter to "feed" me or help me feed or nurture me when my arms haven't functioned as they would have pre-injury has been vital. I may have survived without it but a great cost to my quality of life. Until I am better healed, I need someone I can count on to help me until my system is working in a better or more functional way.

It takes time and assistance sometimes to heal, and like Leah said, it isn't a linear process so I have to work with what's real in real time versus how I would like it to be or think it "should" be.

But I sure understand.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't identify with what you say. I don't use therapy in the same way though. I don't go there to be told good things about myself, rather for guidance in moving forward.

At the end of the day, a therapist is a paid provider and I believe this needs to be kept in mind. The therapy relationship can be terminated at any moment for any reason and I think it is important to realize that you may not have this person to prop you up tomorrow so it's good to learn to do these things for yourself.

My therapy boundaries are very strict. I don't treat my therapist as a friend (vice versa, I don't treat my friends as therapists), nor do I get caught up in her personal life, feelings, etc even if she shares them with me (I never ask). It is a slippery slope to put so much stock into a therapists opinions as the relationship isn't personal, rather professional. (You're paying her to say good things, so doesn't that bring some skepticism to mind?)

 

[Leah123]

You're paying her to say good things, so doesn't that bring some skepticism to mind?

I'm paying my therapist to say honest things, helpful, supportive things, but not just to be nice, not to be shallow or false. I can get that kind of b.s. for free, haha.

I don't go there to be told good things about myself, rather for guidance in moving forward

What if we see those not as opposite goals, but complimentary goals? Maybe Hashi needs to hear the positive truths about herself, to hear the affirmations in order to feel worthwhile, to feel that she can move forward and deserves to: for me, anyway, that is part of the process, to understand and appreciate myself, to untangle my negative thinking and expectations so I can be clearheaded and empowered.

The therapy relationship can be terminated at any moment for any reason

I suppose that is technically true of all relationships, but my own therapist has been very committed and made her commitment clear. I believe her when she says that now that she's known me a while, she can promise to the best of her ability (barring death or something) to be there for me and not be the one to terminate the therapeutic relationship.

I bet it varies, Solara, depending upon the type of therapy, and how much a part of therapy the relationship is, the therapeutic alliance.

 

[maddog]

Hashi, I could have written your post word for word, and have often thought about doing so. Needless to say it's difficult for me to offer much in the way of feedback, other than to say that I have been heartened and reassured by what everyone else has written here, and I hope you have too, at least a little.

I think you nailed perhaps the critical point when you said that you haven't always felt this way, and indeed that you coped, very well by the sounds of it, without your therapist for an enforced period of time. Right now, you are newly returned to the stresses of trauma work at exactly the same time as starting a new job, both of which are very destabilising and taxing personally, and both of which are likely to result in a greater need for support and reassurance from an external trusted person for a while.

Insight and self awareness go a long way in monitoring these sort of complex relationship issues, and you have both in great amounts. I think your relationship sounds healthy and productive and sustainable to me, and while only you can truly feel that and find peace with it, I think that the input of objective others who have your best interests at heart is a good barometer on the health of that relationship too.

Maddog

 

[franciemarnie]

If my legs were broken and I reset them on my own, and that proved obviously disastrous as I am not a specialist - I will go to a doctor to help me get them reset. He or she will do what they were taught in school and learned in practice and tell me what I need to do with the knowledge they've gained. I will do the work though. I will feel the pain. I will do the exercises even though it hurts sometimes. I will be the one to give them feedback as to how it's going. We will work together.

If that doctor leaves for another post somewhere, and I liked him or her, that would be a drag but I would find another doctor if my healing wasn't complete.

I am paying the doctor for his or her professional services, whatever has proved most successful. How a doctor would be considered propping me up, I have no idea. I find that idea absurd.

 

[Hashi]

I meant to say, but forgot to, that this isn't my main reason for going to therapy. To clarify, I'm not paying her to be nice to me, I'm paying for psychotherapy. I'm doing trauma processing and making a lot of changes generally. I don't see my therapist as a friend - when I said I need to be more a friend to myself I didn't mean that's how I see my therapist, it's only how I feel I need to be towards myself. At the moment it's like intothelight says, I'm my own enemy.

I hope that clears things up, because it's not the basic therapy relationship that I 'm wondering about but only one aspect. The point is about being too hard on myself and too negative. My therapist's belief, compassion and hope for me are a huge relief to feel, and it's what I need to achieve for myself, I'm just discussing how difficult I find it to move from seeking it from her to seeking it in myself.

Thank you so much for the responses. I'm feeling very emotional reading them. This is a tough one for me, and I'm grateful for your support and thoughts. I'm going to come back later.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Hashi,

Firstly just wanted to say that I realise your biggest concern is how you can learn to treat yourself and think of you as kindly as she presently does. As you know you should. To get rid of the trauma thinking. I understand that dilemma. I suspect we all do. It's hard.

there've been times when I've been much better at this than I am now, and I'm not sure why it's so bad at the moment.

Quite frankly it would be a miracle if it wasn't worse at present. You are dealing with the worst part of your trauma and on a minimal amount of therapy; you are in a new job at exactly the same time.

I have come to see this type of thinking as coming and going in waves. I try to bare with the waves and fight them constantly and remember that it isn't a failure if they get worse at times. I also try to accept that it seems to come along with being triggered. I do think it is just down to constantly refuting it and trying to build new patterns of thought. I believe in brain plasticity so hold hope in that too. Lastly I really believe part of the true source of healing with this is processing the trauma, the anger and other suppressed feelings, and finding self forgiveness.

Looking firstly at the big picture of dependency (in any form) in t and I will say I think there is a middle line. I don't believe that you are ever going to approach the line where you will be too dependent. I actually think allowing boundaried dependency can be a very healing experience. Something that can give us things that probably only can be given in a therapy environment and greatly add to our well being and happiness long term.

I think our t can role model how we need to treat ourselves and keep the candle burning so that we can find our way back when we are dealing with awful stuff. Its OK to need someone to do that. :)

I never relied on anyone and although that is and has been a useful way of coping I also want to be able to have healthy reliance on another human being. I exclude stockholm states from that. To able to tolerate that and not be so afraid of it in a safe environment such as T and on somewhere like here is something that is useful for me.

I find that any need like that is both extremely painful and alluring in its own way. I think things we have not been able to have in a healthy environment before tend to have a lot attached to them.

Its OK to get help and support and even care from others when we need it. You don't have to go through everything by yourself. It wasn't safe or OK to depend on others when you were a child but it is OK now.

I hope thats OK to say. Disregard if not relevant or useful.