Self Blame

[Meadowsweet]

I find it more distressing to see myself as an innocent victim, than to take some responsibility. It has taken me a long time to work out the differences between blaming and responsibility.

I still can't quite work it out. So I try to look at the difference in terms of my reaction to it: If I'm blaming myself, I don't like myself and my self-care suffers, I use harmful behaviors like drinking and I sabotage anything good. But when I take responsibility for myself, then I look for positive ways that I could change and I ask for help, such as going to therapy.

It's still very difficult to discern between where my responsibility stops and where the abusers responsibility starts. But I found the following article on the subject and I recognise a lot of those behaviors in myself: http://www.ibiblio.org/rcip/selfblameresearch.html

The article is about rape, but I think it applies to all sorts of abuse.

 

[ashdawn8287]

I found out I was self blaming from guilt and shame of my traumas.

If you are able to get a book called "toxic shame" by an author whose last name is Bradshaw. I can't remember his first name! Dang it.

It helped me see where those feelings of guilt, shame, and self blame come from and how to put it into a new persepective. My therapist reccomended it me.

 

[maddog]

The John Bradshaw book "Healing the Shame that Binds you" is an excellent insight into the origins and manifestations of toxic shame. It taught me a lot, and in very practical ways, about ways in which I can combat what often feels like the most debilitating feature of my life.

Meadowsweet, I empathise deeply with the difficulty in separating blame from responsibility, but the distinction is an important one, for the reasons you identify. I too see responsibility as the proactive, empowered way in which to view one's behaviour and its consequences, whereas blame is a purely punitive experience. That's not to say that both aren't necessary and healthy at times, but misdirecting either of them can be damaging, and often is.

Maddog

 

[KrispyKreme]

I totally empathize with those feelings Meadowsweet.

I also feel like I would rather take the blame than know that someone hurt me. BUT no you are not at fault and you are not to blame.

Thanks for sharing that article.

KK

 

[Flyaway]

I really like that article. One of the ways I've tried to regain power in the past is by blaming myself, telling myself that I am responsible for what happened to me... I like that the article points out that lasting self-empowerment comes from knowing that we can control the present. Meaning, I can make choices each day about how I live my life and the type of people I let into my life. By doing this (and through many other positive choices) I am now more powerful than I have ever been in the past. :)

As far as responsibility goes... All I am responsible for is healing the best I can, helping others where I can, and giving myself the best life possible.

 

[Mayday]

Thanks for sharing that article. I'd not really thought about there being a difference between shame and guilt, but can see that clearer now. I think for me, the difference between responsibility and blame is that with blame, it's about what I did, with responsibility it's about what I can do. Kind of like blame is to do with the past, but responsibility is about what I can do from now on?

Blame to me, is a very stuck feeling, as in it makes me feel stuck and unable to fix things, probably why I then go off and be self destructive. I think you're right that taking responsibility feels more empowering.

The bit in the article that I found really interesting was about the difference between shame and guilt, where if a victim doesn't think there was anything they could have done to stop it, they are more likely to feel shame, as in something was inherently wrong with them. Whereas if there were things the victim can think of that might have influenced the outcome then they will feel guilt. That helps explain to me why I feel so much shame over childhood things, but with things that happened as when I was an adult, I feel more guilt.

Lots to think about, I will have to go back and read the article some more

 

[Abstract]

That is very interesting and something I have never thought through (the responsibility versus guilt debate). I think it is possibly about power and powerlessness.

One thing to consider though is that being wronged often involves the perpetrator placing their own shame, blame and responsibility into us. In some ways I think that is the main gain/aim of abuse. We are the receptacles of their s*** that they want to get rid of.

So another thing to think of is if it is rather largely about No cause + taking responsibility = false guilt/shame.

I know this is mostly about self blame but shame has been discussed here and I think it is a really important part of it and so this thread may be of interest: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/shame.35328/

A few years ago I read up about shame and guilt and it made so much sense to me. Guilt is when we feel badly about something we have done - the act. Shame is when we feel we are the problem. It's not just about about an act. We are consumed with feelings of "badness".

There can be parts of our actions that we need to take responsibility for and I think that is empowering. More commonly I think there can also be a tendency to take responsibility because it makes us feel less powerless than having been the innocent victim; others have made us responsible for their actions, or it has happened to us in childhood where we developmentally did not yet have the capacity to not feel and think actions were because of us not others.

PS. I haven't read the article but will so thank you for sharing!

 

[mamachick]

I had trouble focusing on the article and making sense of it-likey my own state of lack of concentration. I am very interested so I will try again later. I have always thought of shame as related to who we are, and guilt related to something we did. But it does not seem that simple when you consider where blame comes from. I guess blame can come with shame or guilt and manifests differently.

I did get from the article that shame causes a person to give up and isolate from others and can relate to that. Also that shame can produce anger/rage and can also relate to that. When acting in rage, the shame decreases momentarily-is that correct?

Also that people who believe that the world is just (people get what they deserve and deserve what they get) have a more difficult time in any recovery. I am ashamed to say---I guess I thought that way primarily before the trauma. Not completely, but I have believed that people reap what they sew in most cases. I have not believed that we all had same opportunities and have advocated for under privliged, but did believe the world was just in a sense. I also have held the belief that "life isnt fair" and the sooner we realize and accept, the sooner we can move forward and let things go. (not trauma related, just normal injustices) Then able to best utilize what we do have going for ourselves.

This article really addresses some core beliefs I think. I know I have some distorted core beliefs. Will have to come back to, head a bit foggy.

 

[Abstract]

I have just read the article.

It basically says all the things that I have seen but in one article.

If I'm blaming myself, I don't like myself and my self-care suffers, I use harmful behaviors like drinking and I sabotage anything good. But when I take responsibility for myself, then I look for positive ways that I could change

I think what they are saying is that neither guilt or shame is appropriate. I think your "blaming yourself and not liking yourself" is linked to what they are saying is victim shame. It seems they are saying that shame is much, much more harmful and linked to many problems. But that guilt is also not appropriate and is often an attempt at feeling some sense of power rather than accept that there was none (amongst other things).

But when I take responsibility for myself, then I look for positive ways that I could change

I think taking responsibility for ourselves in a forward thinking way and how we are going to get better is very positive and helpful. If it is still partly about needing to feel that we could have change what happened and making ourselves responsible (which links into what they call victim guilt) then I think that keeps us back. It would be guilt dressed up in another form.

I loved this quote. "Guilt motivates a person to repair the damage done by bad behaviour and to make positive changes in their lives. Shame works in the other direction. It makes us want to disappear." - Tangney. I agree that shame keeps us from others and makes us want to disappear totally. I know I always do and I think I should just rename myself Shame as it seems to be my essence, sadly.

In the article:
*Characterological self blame is when victims feel there is something inherently wrong with them (causing them to deserve to be assaulted). This is described as undeserved shame.
* Behavioral self blame refers to victims feeling they should have done something differently (therefore they feel it is their fault - undeserved guilt).

The only thing I am not so sure about is their reference to shame possibly creating anger and a focus on revenge. That isn't the case for me at all and it seems to me that the people I have come across that are particularly swamped by shame are too busy tormenting themselves in every possible way to want to harm anyone else. In fact I can't feel anger at any perpetrator and I have seen that in many who are consumed by shame. I will have to read more on that reference.

 

[mamachick]

Abstract-I also did not agree with the revenge thing. I could relate to the anger though, but not against the perpetrator. I could see how feeling shame over a long period of time makes me apathetic, unmotivated, isolated, and generally self destructive.

So then when someone pushes my buttons, and before I would react calmly, there is an impulse to attack back (verbally) out of anger, and for maybe just that minute I cannot feel the shame. However, afterwards I have guilt for what I have said. I see it as a self fulfilling prophecy. I was never impulsive before, and not with words. It is not my nature, but in the past couple of years when pushed to the max, out it comes. I never correlated it being related to shame though, more like a pressure cooker.

 

[Abstract]

Personally I would have thought it would be much more linked to impulse control and intense emotions as well as a decision to fight and fear of victimised again. Just my take.

To me the anger that comes with shame is inwardly focussed, self destructive and a separate issue.

 

[mamachick]

I can see your point abstract. I also think if we are focusing on someone else, or lashing out at them, for that moment we are not experiencing what we normally experience. It could serve as a distraction from our own suffering. Not sure that Im right, just exploring and reflecting what happens and will pay more attention in the future. I took it as-if I can be madder with someone else for a moment, will not notice being mad at self so much.