General I'm New to the Forum - Boyfriend Has PTSD From Military Service

[Tammy]

oh and by the way, I just tried to send you an email but apparently I dont have the authority to do so... I look forward to talking to you more...
Tammy

 

[Kathy]

Tammy, if you wish Maryjane or anyone else to have your email address, please point them to your profile, as your email is listed there. That way your address is not open to spammers nor indexed by search engines.

 

[maryjane]

Kathy,

How do I get to my profile?

 

[Deleted member 93]

If you are referring to the Private Message system here you cannot do PMs as of yet since maryjane is still in moderation. Once out PMs will be no issue. Just click on the name and you will see an option pop up "Send Private Message". You can also view profile the same way, but most of the time actual emails are not listed.

 

[Kathy]

How do I get to my profile?

Maryjane, I assume you figured it out, as I noticed you added some things about yourself there. Please note however no one else (except admins) will see your profile until you are out of moderation.

 

[maryjane]

I went to a group meeting with my bf today. It was informative, yet not intense as the things we are going through at home. It's a twelve week program and it's on a schedule to talk about different ideas on how to handle their situation.

I am a bit calmer than the last few days since the big blow outs have blown over for now. That's the way it is around here; up and down and round and round like a merry-go-round.

I was grateful to even be in the room with them today during their PTSD meeting, but I think that if I'm there with him on a one on one, we can share our personal experiences. Today, the group leader stated that they only hold the class for actual PTSD patients, but since I was in my military uniform, she let me sit in on the class. The information that was put out is something I can use myself when I have the anxiety coming on and the stress level rising.

From what I understand, there is no support group for family members or carers. The only information is the paper documents my bf bring home to read; without further understanding of how the brain and emotions work, I'm still lost.

I will continue to seek out other avenues to grasp this concept and to accept this reality. This is real, more real than the nose on my face.

Keep us in your thoughts.

 

[Kathy]

That is unfortunate there are no support groups for families where you are. However, you can obviously still come here for support, read the information contained within this forum, ask questions and interact with members. Also, have you seen this book list:

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread5515.html[/DLMURL]

These books are most helpful. In any event, do take care Maryjane, and yes I will be thinking of you.

 

[maryjane]

Here I go again; feeling down and depressed. Well, I posted the other day that I went to the group session with my bf to better understand what he is going through. I had made up in my mind that this is what it is and that he'll really having a hard time because he's ill. Recently, I've been on this chat board and talking to other military personnel who has been diagnosed with PTSD, and they experience nothing like what my bf is going through and how he's treating me. I've been keeping a keen eye on things around here and continually walking on egg shells to try and keep peace around here, but to no avail. Although the sickness may be real, I really do believe that he's lashing out on my for some reason or another. Just today, I ran some errands and went to a couple of appointments and went to get my hair permed (I've had my hair braided and wearing a wig for about 2 months) since it was time for me to let my hair breath. I came home and greated him like I usually do and asked him how do my hair look. He in turn told me that I didn't noticed when he got his hair cut the other day. I told him to just leave it alone cause it ain't that serious. I come in the house and a few minutes later he came in still b*^ching about me being gone and the first thing I wanted him to notice was my hair. He said that the first thing I should said was that the yard look nice (since he was cutting and trimming the hedges).

When I asked him about my hair, I had no ideal how that thing would blow up. It's getting to the point that no matter what I say, it gets criticized, and it hurts my feelings. But I'm learning to plant my feet and just suck it up and not let it bother me, but this is all too personal, and I feel nothing from PTSD is causing the way he's making me feel. I believe he wants to continually inflict pain upon me and watch me hurt. For what? I don't know. PTSD is more of a cover up to have an excuse to treat me that way.

I mean, what is the big deal? I can't ask him anything like that? We are drifting farther apart.

I am currently in therapy myself, and I told my therapist today what had been going on. She suggested that he come to one of the sessions with me. Not to dig into our problems but to get from his point of view how I've been doing since I've been on the medications (yes, medications). Hopefully, that will open up an avenue so that some things are talked about in a very open and honest manner. I'd hate for it to be anything other than that.

This drains my energy and I feel like I'm trapped in darkness. Why does he hate me so much and why is there so much hate directed personally at me?

Please listen to me and try to understand me. I am trying to be strong and understanding in all of this but I don't have thick enough skin to endure.

 

[Kathy]

I am on briefly only tonight Maryjane. I will make more detailed comments tomorrow. Quickly however, I did want to comment on this statement:

Recently, I've been on this chat board and talking to other military personnel who has been diagnosed with PTSD, and they experience nothing like what my bf is going through and how he's treating me.

How many different military personnel have you spoken with? Which things did you discuss with these people which contradicted what your boyfriend is doing? Be very careful with making rash judgements about his PTSD diagnosis. The problem Maryjane, is that everyone is going to be a bit different in their reactions and symptoms; no one person with PTSD is going to be a carbon copy of another. Additionally, it depends on where the person is in their healing process. I gather your boyfriend is just beginning. In actuality, feeling as though one must walk on eggshells, and having one's PTSD sufferer take things out on you, are both very common occurances for family members. I have experienced both myself many, many times. Not that I condone those actions, however it does happen, and is part of PTSD. That being said though, I am very sorry things are not going well between you. Do try to have a decent night and I will comment more in the morning.

 

[Kathy]

It's getting to the point that no matter what I say, it gets criticized, and it hurts my feelings. But I'm learning to plant my feet and just suck it up and not let it bother me, but this is all too personal, and I feel nothing from PTSD is causing the way he's making me feel. I believe he wants to continually inflict pain upon me and watch me hurt.

PTSD sufferers can be very difficult to live with, and they can be abusive. However, that does condone the behaviour, and in no way must you put up with any abuse. You must establish personal boundaries. What those boundaries entail is entirely up to you, however you must have them. Otherwise you will constantly be miserable. To use my daughter as an example - she is very good now, having had treatment and worked upon herself for over a year. However, she used to be quite verbally abusive to me. She did have very severe anger problems and impulse control problems, however I did not tolerate this behaviour. Mostly I would simply say, "I don't appreciate you speaking to me this way" and simply walk away from her. She usually would then come round later to apologize and/or explain herself. Now she is to the point where if very upset she will go for a walk, or go to her own space in the house to be alone until she calms down. I also respect her boundaries in that I will not pressure or prod her to speak to me whilst she is upset. I used to want her to speak on my timeframe, but I now realize she has her own timeframe and I accept that.

So, do establish your own boundaries, but respect his as well. There must be mutual respect. It sounds as though he has much pent up anger, again another common aspect of PTSD. He could be directing his anger your way because he lives with you and you are the closest one to him. He perhaps feels comfortable expressing himself freely to you. Alternately, there could be specific things you have done or said that he especially resents. Do be honest with yourself, and ask yourself if you are contributing to the problem in some way. I had to do this myself, again to use my daughter as an example. As I mentioned I used to try to get her to talk before she was ready. I also nagged her about certain things which were really not very important. This had the effect of my causing her extra stress, and she would then lash out at me for it. I have learned to not do those things anymore and we get along a lot better as a result.

For what? I don't know. PTSD is more of a cover up to have an excuse to treat me that way.

Maryjane, why do you feel the need to continually question whether he has PTSD, or question what is PTSD and what is not? Do you feel that if some action of his were not the result of PTSD, you would be more justified in your feelings? The truth is Maryjane, you are entitled to your feelings of hurt and pain, whether he has PTSD or not. Perhaps instead of worrying about the diagnosis, concentrate on what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not willing to tolerate. Make decisions for yourself. As I said earlier, establish boundaries. PTSD is not an excuse for bad behaviours, however it is an explanation, and as a result he will relate to you in a different way than if he not have PTSD. Some things will be more difficult for him to control, such as his anger. Must you tolerate that? Absolutely not. However if you do wish to remain with him, it in is your best interest to understand and accept his limitations, work upon yourself as you have been doing, establish your own boundaries and respect his, and so on. This is not an overnight process, it takes much time.

I mean, what is the big deal? I can't ask him anything like that?

Have you read the PTSD Cup Explanation? It explains stress in someone with PTSD, and how their their stress cup may overflow very easily. Anger is commonly a reaction to stress. Here is the link if you have not read it yet:

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread63.html[/DLMURL]

I am glad your boyfriend may be going with you to a session with your counselor, that is very good news, and it hopefully will help you both, if he does go through with it, that is. Do take care Maryjane.