Need Some Advice

[Lady of Longbourn]

She jumped to you because it was an "out" to her current situation

I do agree with this.

I am sorry this is so confusing for you.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Honestly, I trust what you have said about her as you know her best and better than us. I wouldn't jump to their worse conclusion though, but use your deductive skills carefully when evaluating things. Just find the balance of the situation. Some people would cheat and live with their ex for an out, some people have logically reasons for doing the things they do, some people can live with an ex and it not be anything more-I know people like this that are close to me and they have lived with exes and dated others not as an out but just because they realized that they were really good friends with no emotional connection.

I am friends with an ex of mine. We grew up together. I don't hang out with him and rarely talk to him but when I do run into him or see him or we text on birthdays and what not and my fiancees friends know him and I could live with him just as a friend with nothing more and you know what? My fiancee would be okay with that because he knows I am an honest, decent, respectable, nice, trustworthy person and he knows that, that relationship was only a friendship relationship. Could I do that with him and his ex? No way because of my trust issues and PTSD, I feel your pain I really do, but evaluate both sides to this before jumping to conclusions.

 

[intrasearching]

Just thinking.... If I was the ex and I found out my former partner never loved me and was just with me because she says she had had no other options, I'd be a little more than ticked off for being used.

To be precise, they told each other they were in love but when she got out of that relationship she recognized it wasn't love but instead was appreciation. She was frank to him and said that she didn't think they were in love. He disagreed and claims to have loved her but she denied that because he was dismissive for years. She is an orphan and had no one else. She lived isolated for years, focusing only on her work and video games. I know her. I have shared everything with her. We have had some extremely deep bonding in our time together. Mind you, over all we have spent about the equivalent of 5 or 6 months together. 3 of those months were consecutive. I know she's no two-timer and I know she didn't use her ex. She thought it was love. She also told me that she felt guilty because in the last year she knew that her and her ex both were aware it was not working and one of them would have to break up eventually but she was afraid to do it.

I understand what you are saying. Who knows, maybe I am wrong and she is not to be trusted. But that's not what my intuition says. My wounds say that I am in serious danger but they have said that in every relationship and I ended all those myself because I was too scared. Is it that everyone really was not to be trusted, or is it that I have scars that cause me to believe people can't be trusted? Based on my past, I know which one is more likely.

Nevertheless, I appreciate your realistic comment. I hope it isn't the truth, but from my perspective it doesn't seem to be. Again, who knows?

 

[ashdawn8287]

Listen to your intuition. Again, only YOU know her :). Don't worry about it.

 

[intrasearching]

I am friends with an ex of mine. We grew up together. I don't hang out with him and rarely talk to him but when I do run into him or see him or we text on birthdays and what not and my fiancees friends know him and I could live with him just as a friend with nothing more and you know what? My fiancee would be okay with that because he knows I am an honest, decent, respectable, nice, trustworthy person and he knows that, that relationship was only a friendship relationship. Could I do that with him and his ex? No way because of my trust issues and PTSD, I feel your pain I really do, but evaluate both sides to this before jumping to conclusions.

This is a very useful post. Thank you so much. And yes, my girlfriend and her ex were friends since high school or earlier. As I said, she was basically an orphan. She had a relationship that was very abusive and when she got out of that her best friend asked her out. She said yes because he was nice and seemed stable. She stayed with him because he was stable and helped her heal. He is a good man, from what I can see, and is trustworthy. He helped her to reduce some of the trauma of her past relationship.

But yes, because of my PTSD and certain experiences, it's really hard anyway.

 

[ashdawn8287]

That is even better that you can see that her ex is trustworthy and decent. Trustworthy people don't ruin other peoples relationships and have respect. :D

 

[nursenurse]

You are rationalizing that it is wrong because IT IS. Listen to your gut, this is just wrong on so many levels. I can't even get through the responses. You have a serious red flag at the beach, do not go into the water, danger Will Robinson. Read what you posted, pretend it was your best friend, a trusted relative, who wrote it, what would you say/? Out run the Road Runner.

 

[nursenurse]

The Ex is no more trustworthy or decent than she is. Blinders off. Who the hell does this and thinks this is right? Quit rationalizing. Get with the tour. Balderdash that you are bothered because of your PTSD. You are bothered because the situation is plain wrong. Step up and decide. Nothing to do with PTSD. It bothers you, it is just plain wrong.

 

[intrasearching]

Many people are not trusting. I do not want to be one of those. Even if something does happen, at least I have what I have with her. My father knows her very well also and is a very wise, intuitive person. He said that she is trustworthy and that I am not in any danger. If I was, he, as well as my mother, would both tell me what they really thought. My girlfriend lived with us for three months. She tried so hard to make a good impression on everyone she met in my family because she needs them to like her because she is here to stay.

I could entertain my anxiety, my fear of abandonment, but I did that in every single other relationship, and what did I end up with? Just another relationship plagued by the same fears. So I am going to stick this one through, if I can help it. If she cheats on me, she will have to deal with that, because she has promised and connected with me so deeply, communicating that I can always trust her and that she loves me truly. If she cheats, I will have to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and move on. But if I throw the baby out with the bathwater I am just left with another blank slate for someone to fill and then be subject to my extreme fear of abandonment, and the cycle would continue.

I see what you are saying, nursenurse. I am definitely rationalizing all of this because I want to trust her, I want to have her love. I won't break up with her unless something can prove to me that I have to that isn't just nervous tension.

 

[intrasearching]

The Ex is no more trustworthy or decent than she is. Blinders off. Who the hell does this and thinks this is right? Quit rationalizing. Get with the tour. Balderdash that you are bothered because of your PTSD. You are bothered because the situation is plain wrong. Step up and decide. Nothing to do with PTSD. It bothers you, it is just plain wrong.

Why, precisely, is it so wrong? You don't know her, all you have are my words. I am not trying to be aggressive, I just want to hear more of your perspective.

 

[ashdawn8287]

A lot of us have trust issues on here. I can get how it could trigger some people, but set the PTSD down and listen to yourself. Don't feel you have to defend your relationship, you don't.

 

[nursenurse]

You are blaming yourself. If she cheats, you will have to deal with that, never mind her. The heart wants what it wants. the bottom line is, you are uncomfortable with the situation. She can change that, there is always a way, if you care about the significant other in your life. Do not sell yourself short. I am not PTSD and have gone through everything you are going through. She can adjust, find another roomie, if you are that important and your feelings matter, this would not be an issue. What you are looking at are deeper issues that will affect you in the long run.

I stand as most always, with my original stance.