Worried There's More.

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Ok, I know I've not shared a concise single location of details of my abuse or even most of it, just some bits on threads I found relevant. I also know from my own words that my memory is still at best patchy, but I always still think that there couldn't have been anything worse or much more than I do recall, because I'm sure I would have needed up in hospital or someone would have found out. To my knowledge all of my sexual abuse was contained to my fathers apartment and three men, my father, his drug dealer and on one occasion a "friend" of his.

Today I had a therapy session and had to get a taxi rather than a lift from my mother as she was working. The taxi had an air freshener in - something which has made me feel sick, head-achy and uneasy for a very long time, but I had always put it down to a combination of motion sickness and sitting in a confined space with other people. As soon as I got in the car this was worse, way worse, the smell was so cloying and intrusive.

I felt suddenly trapped in the vehicle, and worried, really worried. I looked around the car. It was definitely the taxi I just got in, so why did I feel so scared. Rapidly the feeling of needing to get out made me choke, I couldn't breathe I felt like someone was about to attack me. I got an intrusive memory of being in a car with my dad and some of his "friends". But I was sure non of my abuse happened out of his home. I hear some conversation going on, like its just distant enough so that I can hear the word shapes, but not clear enough to hear the actual words, like they're muffled slightly and then I feel a hand on my shoulder and a thumb wrapped around my collar bone and lower neck.

I look up I'm in the taxi. There's music playing on the radio, I don't know the song. I'm really scared and nervous I try to stop my head running over it, I just want to get out of the car, I still feel so trapped, I need to get out, and it happens again. I hear them laughing muffled again and I see my Dad and a friend of his' face. I feel confuse and scared, the and a sharp pain in my collar bone. NO! I snap back to the present and start looking around the car so intensely, trying to read everything, focus on colours on the the music. The taxi pulls over, I pay and get out fast, nearly falling over on the 20ft walk into the building.

I'm very confused by this. To all extents and purposes I seem to have been triggered by a rather distinct air freshener. I remember being in that (past) vehicle on a few occasions, but I don't remember why I was in it or what happened afterwards. I remember a lizard one time I think, but I don't know where that comes from, it just sticks out in my mind like a jigsaw piece that doesn't fit, but I'm sure it belongs there somewhere. But not that time, that was different to the lizard one and I know there's a reason why but I can't quite remember it.

Does this mean there's more? All of the sexual abuse was in the same location, never outside of my Dad's place. I don't remember anything like this before. I really don't want there to be more, I don't know if I can handle it. Maybe it was something else, but I know it wasn't, the thing is I don't remember, but I don't want to either. I'm scared. I thought I'd stopped remembering.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

Hugs, Kas.

Could this fragment have been from when you were very young? Before you were able to form cohesive recollections?

It is very hard when the "hurt areas" that we've defined suddenly expand.

I still don't remember some of the trauma I've been told occurred, only the later events which still caused the PTSD.

The fact that you could hold it together after the flashback is important. You had a terrifying flashback but you came out of it and you had enough presence of mind to pay the cabdriver and walk to the building. If that had happened to me, I don't think I would have been able to climb back out of that cab, let alone walk into a building.

 

[bell]

The fact that you could hold it together after the flashback is important. You had a terrifying flashback but you came out of it and you had enough presence of mind to pay the cabdriver and walk to the building. If that had happened to me, I don't think I would have been able to climb back out of that cab, let alone walk into a building.

Agreed, on everything @TwoDee2ThreeDee said. You are very strong, @Kas_Can_Fly, as I would have lost it and jumped out of the cab while we were still driving down the street! (I've done stranger things!)

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I very nearly did throw myself out and practically ran into the building which must have looked like I was drunk due to the zigzagging and stumbling. I just kept repeating to myself that I just had to get to therapy and that it was probably just intrusive thoughts. Lucky I was 10-20 minutes early and I went up to the top of the hallway by the fire exit and sat down on the floor and ran through all the grounding and calming exercises I could think of. Thank you both. I never think of my self as being strong, but it is something that my social worker said to me last week in context to how well I (mostly seem to) manage to do, but I was pleased I managed to continue, although I did lose it a bit in therapy as well as relation to different things which is a first (not hard, I'm very new to therapy) and terrified me too.

I'm now just left confused and scared of what that means, I mean it wasn't anything really. What was it exactly? Just someone grabbing my shoulder, albeit in a rather threatening way, that's in no way definite that more things happened. I did know there was more, but that wasn't what I was expecting and now I feel scared and vulnerable.

Could this fragment have been from when you were very young? Before you were able to form cohesive recollections?

I don't think so, this would have been between 11 and 15, and probably more likely 12 and 14, but I've had a lot of memories almost if not completely blocked from recollection for some time. That started flooding just over a year ago (just after turning 23), but I still have a lot of holes, though now I'm not so desperate to know what's missing. I do have quite a few incoherent flashes (interestingly these are usually just before the trauma), sometimes they repeat and fill in a bit more, but some I do have a few entire "scenes".

 

[EverOnly358]

Hey Kas,

I'm so sorry about everything you went through, and everything you're going through now! You were incredibly tough, though, to make it to therapy and to stay! Very, very brave. And to do all the grounding and calming exercises you could think of. I'm just really impressed... because I know I would have just melted down.

Anyways... I just wanted to say as I've been acknowledging and examining past bad memories... they've been going away (not bothering me as much, I guess), only to be replaced with even worse bad memories. It's been incredibly difficult. There's this awesome relief when I wake up after having dealt with some bad memory the day before... then a couple days of feeling normal (which is entirely abnormal to me, and freaks me out) and then more bad memories surface. I start by pushing the bad memories away, but then eventually I need to figure out what's going on in my head (my Gram always used to say to me "curiosity killed the cat," and I would reply, all full of sass, "but satisfaction brought her back!") and then I just like accept it is what it is... and as soon as I stop blocking things, boom. I remember even more. Which is next to impossible to deal with... but, eventually, over time, leads to the memories not bothering me as much. Hmmm.

I don't know. I fear I'm not making sense.

But I did want to say that finally writing in my Trauma Diary made a huge difference. I was very scared to start. For weeks, all I had was one word... "Yikes!" But now I'm kinda hooked. I'm just like, come on bad memories, I'm ready to take you on! You can't scare me.

I dunno. I hope this helps just a tiny bit. I guess, the main point I hope you get, is that, yeah, you're not the only one who has new memories surface out of the blue, and that I think you're incredibly brave and strong!

D

 

[Nebulustrix]

I know this is easier said than done, but - There's no need to be afraid of a memory. It's already happened. The experience is over. You are away from the danger.

I have only ever had one flashback that was as intense as the one you described, and it was over an event that I recalled very clearly, so I didn't go through the fear and uncertainty about uncovering a forgotten memory. Remembering what happened will, of course, cause all the terror and pain and anguish to resurface in your emotions - but I've always taken flashbacks as a sign that there was something about that experience I needed to process and then allowed myself to delve into it.

It is gut-wrenching, it is horrible, it leaves me tense and depressed and all around emotional when I bring it to the surface, but I let it all out either by talking it through or writing it down and then take some time to ask myself questions that will help me analyze and get past it. For example - "Why is this memory resurfacing now? What is it about this event that relates to my current environment and is causing my distress? What is my "trigger" and how can I separate my emotional response from it?" etc.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Sorry I've taken so long to come back to this, to say I've been feeling sensitive is a massive understatement. This:

I have only ever had one flashback that was as intense as the one you described

has surprised me a lot. This is one of my vaguest flashbacks and it took me a while to accept that it was a flashback rather than a very nasty intrusive thought, which was I was thinking(/hoping) at the time. For me my flashbacks usually are so vivid that I am fully there, everything is back then and it is like an exact replication of what I remember, whether it's snippets or whole scenes, I never notice, because I'm there so fully. Breathing the air, hearing the sounds, seeing, tasting, smelling, thinking - everything is 100% back there. The physical part that remains in the present I am no longer a part of. So only getting a few flashes and parts of this I wasn't sure - accepting that this is a flashback, means I get them far more frequently than I thought - usually these however are of memories I have already recovered.

"curiosity killed the cat,

This is a little bit of my problem, I knew some of my abuses, and I had a vague idea of the rest but that seemed impossible and I ignored it, until last year. I was really annoyed I couldn't remember so much of my life and how so many things didn't makes sens and I tried to remember, well nothing happened but then a few weeks, nearly a month later, I got down and down and down and then I got hit with wave after wave of flashbacks and panic attacks. After that I haven't chased after wanting to know the rest. I do in a way, but don't equally if not more. For now I just need to take things a bit slower and let things happen as they do.

finally writing in my Trauma Diary made a huge difference

I am scared too, I do want to but I also think that I'm not quite ready, I've only just started therapy and I.. well I don't know, but I don't feel able to yet.

"Why is this memory resurfacing now?

Maybe because I'm in therapy and better able to deal with it, maybe because I felt more vulnerable going out on my own for the first time in years, maybe because I was more nervous than usual. To be honest I'm grabbing at straws, I have no idea.

What is it about this event that relates to my current environment and is causing my distress?

I don't understand how this differs from, I'd be exceptionally grateful if you could explain or give me an example:

What is my "trigger"

The smell of the car freshener and being trapped in a small and enclosed space with no safe means of escape. Also, the driver was male.

and how can I separate my emotional response from it?"

Again, I don't know, I would love some ideas. My problem is that flashbacks are so sudden and out of the blue that I can't prevent them, if that's what you mean. If not, do you mean that I should maybe have noticed when I was nervous and panicked? To that all I would say is I'm often nervous and panicked, but by comparison I only have flashbacks occasionally - also what should/could I have done. Thanks in advance, I'm not trying to be difficult, just I am curious, desperate and trying to understand.

Again thank you, to everyone for all of your interesting and helpful replies and thank you for saying you think I'm strong. I only wish I felt it!

 

[EverOnly358]

Hey,

Kas, I'm so sorry you're feeling this bad. I really feel for you, I *do*. You didn't deserve anything that happened to you, it's seriously not fun (sorry, I have a stupid, dark sense of humor) or fair that you have to deal with so much. I hear what you're saying. And yes, being vulnerable in the world probably has A LOT to do with it. I think it's good you recognized that. (I would never think of something like that... but it would be a major factor for me, too.)

This was a quote I found on the forum from OneBraveGirl back in 2010...

Remember that PTSD is because of injury and dissociation is part of your brain's way of asking for attention to the wounds. Working with and not against the symptoms will help you progress. The quickest way out of quicksand is to float. You can't hurry. If you are stuck in the muck, the muck is in charge not you. Respect the muck.

Sometimes my battle cry (yes, I know I'm ridiculous, but dealing with PTSD does feel like running into battle) is "I'm Determined!" and "Into the Fray!" and sometimes it just has to be "Respect the Muck!" Maybe the timing isn't right to deal with things, maybe things don't feel right, maybe I can't handle one more f-ing thing!!! And I'm really trying to respect that. "Respect the Muck!"

Y'know... you could just sit around and do nothing to help yourself. But that's not what you're doing! Be proud of that. You're going to therapy, when even the ride there is so hard! You're on the forum. You're searching your feelings and trying to understand what's going on. These are all incredibly strong and brave things. But it's true, I don't feel strong inside either. But then I say "F*CK IT, I'M DETERMINED!" Because I wanna feel better. I maybe, kinda, almost, sorta can wrap my head around the idea that I might even possibly *deserve* to feel better. So I just go with the ebb and flow. Sometimes I'm pushing away everything and not doing the right things, sometimes I run into the fray screaming, sometimes I cry myself to sleep and sometimes I just sit there and respect the muck. Y'know what, it's all good, it's all important, it's all progress. Then it can be easier, because we know, the only bad thing we can do is to give up... and you're obviously not doing that and I'm trying my best not to either, even when it's so very tempting.

Oh, and I'm not sure exactly what you can do when panic starts... just all the little things I think may help (though they always seem too little compared to the pain, right?), but here I'm thinking about focusing on your breathing, grounding yourself, going to your happy place LOL! :laugh:, practicing mindfulness (maybe eating a mint, or counting five things that are blue, or watching the scenery out the window and pretending you're out there walking instead), listening to music or humming a song, having something in your hand to focus on and touch, I always have perfume and lotion in my purse, and I use that and make a real point to smell it to drown out other smells, um... there are other things, and Gah!, I don't even know if any of this will help. It's so hard to remember and be able to do these things in the moment, y'know? It's all to overwhelming when the past takes over.

I really hope this helps maybe a little bit and comes off the right way (and sorry about the swearing, yikes!),
D

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I don't think your sense of humour is stupid or particularly dark (from what I read). Nothing you've said has upset me at all. To the contrary I am very happy to have feedback. I'm not arguing or being deliberately difficult when I respond, though I'm sure sometimes it must seem like it.

maybe eating a mint

Although I do really hate mint!! :p But I get the ideas that you're putting forward and they are helpful.

So thanks!:)

 

[EverOnly358]

Kas,

I didn't think you were arguing or being difficult at all. You were just in that headspace we all get into. I understood that. I read it that way.

Look at us, being oh so careful of each other. ;) It is nice that we're doing that, of course. But people with PTSD talking to other people with PTSD are funny. I guess we're just all so aware that's it's so easy to get triggered, and while we want to help, we're cautious not to hurt or trigger people as well. Still, it's so funny. :laugh: I think you're doing fine. I think I can be sorta goofy.

Yeah. I like butterscotch candies better. And there's always chocolate! Or even cold water works. You'll figure out what may work for you. Maybe none of the ideas will work... that's just how it goes sometimes.

Hang in there,
D

 

[Nebulustrix]

Kas -

I know my personal battle with PTSD has been a minor one compared to the battles others face. I "lucked out" in that my trauma did not take place over my formative years, I had a good healthy life before the trauma, and I had some "build up" so that it wasn't exactly sudden or a surprise - I was able to mentally prepare and kind of shield myself. I also did not repress any of the memories, so facing them through therapy was an immediate necessity for me to be able to cope and return to a healthy lifestyle.

I went to a therapist right away, read every book I could get my hands on about Domestic Violence, dove into my spiritual health and growth, and wrote a LOT. Every day I was writing something about what I'd been through, how I was feeling, what was bothering me, and then rereading and analyzing what I'd written. I found an online forum where I was able to share my "story" and give other people advice that were going through similar situations, and get support/feedback about my own situation.

Also, I am now FAR from the locations where the trauma occured and have not had any interaction with my ex. So, most of the connections to things that would trigger me, I've never had to deal with. I am absolutely certain that if I ever were to return to that location or to confront my ex, I would have a mental breakdown. The terror runs so deep I cringe at the very idea of even returning to that state to visit some of my old friends. But because I'm not there, because I don't have to interact with the ex, that terror is shoved deep inside and I can handle it.

The majority of my other possible triggers would all come up in an attempt at a romantic relationship, and since I haven't made much of any attempt to get one going - I've avoided those triggers as well. I came to this site though when a feeble attempt did lead to a trigger that caused a panic attack.

I think all these factors together - the "minor" trauma, the healthy past, the separation, the immediate therapy, the writing, the discussion/interactions, and the lack of exposure to triggers, helped me get my PTSD to a manageable level fairly quickly, and my therapist said I was healthy enough to handle it on my own after about a year of seeing her. So, flashbacks were never a huge part of my personal stuggle with PTSD. I had a lot of nightmares. A lot of anxiety. And I still have a lot of intrusive thoughts, insomnia, "minor" flashbacks, a tendancy to dissociate, and some general anxiety/irritability.

I can say that, for me, I think the writing has been what has helped me the most, because this is the tool that has really allowed me to get my feelings out, analyze them, and work on them. As for the questions I ask myself - They're really all trying to get at the same thing, just worded differently to try and give myself another approach - maybe having the question worded one way will help me think of more detail or helpful information than the first, or second.

Also - this process is not something that helps once the panic attack has already started. This is a process I go through after the attack - or after the irritability has caused me to lash out or dissociate - to analyze myself and repeat in my head that the trigger is not a threat, get myself used to the idea that what is causing me distress doesn't need to, because it can't hurt me. Then, later, I tend to have a lesser reaction. Go through the same process again - reaction is smaller next time, etc. During a panic attack, the only thing I've found to be helpful is acknowledging that I am having a panic attack, that I'm scared, that it's okay to be scared, and letting it run it's course.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

You'll figure out what may work for you.

So far a teaspoon of Ketchup on its own, it's sweet and tangy at the same time and both zap me a bit fast. Toffee sounds waaaay nicer though!

Nebulustrix I'd like to say wow and thanks for your very helpful post and to apologise if I came across as invalidating in any way - that was not my intention. I don't have much to say back except thank you. :)