The Therapy Relationship - So Helpful, So Difficult, So Aaaagh!

[Hashi]

I've been having a bumpy time in recent months in my relationship with my therapist. We had some issues that we discussed and resolved but it inevitably set me back a bit in trusting her and the process. It's taken time to really feel comfortable and open again.

Yesterday we had a big session, talking about some trauma processing that's been starting to get overwhelming. She was amazing, helping me find my way through how to slow this down without pushing it away altogether. She picked up on things I hadn't realised, was intuitive and understanding, helped me find courage for something I needed to do in order to stablise more.

Quite often recently I've wondered if she was the right therapist for me. Last night I was really glad I hadn't gone with that line of thinking. I think ideally I would be somewhere in the middle between feeling like she's completely wonderful and perfect, and feeling like she's a terrible, irresponsible therapist who recklessly upsets and misunderstands me. Lately I seem to have been more at one extreme or the other, and it's exhausting.

I've found it hard switching to seeing her in her home rather than at a centre, because of having to change my appointment time. Seeing her home gives me more information than I want, and makes me speculate more about other things. It's really distracting. I much preferred it when her personal life was a complete unknown to me (so I could project onto it, lol).

I wondered how other people find the therapy relationship.

Do you manage to generally be in the middle ground of knowing you can trust your therapist even though you know they aren't perfect? Are there particular things that help you with that?

Or do you think it's good to see them as a little bit wonderful, rather than as an ordinary but skilled human being?

Or maybe have a different sort of view altogether?

 

[Miasmith]

I had a problem with a therapist once. It was because I have trust issues. Some times you can make some one look bad in your head so that you don't trust them. I have thought a lot of them where uneducated, stupid, didn't care, sorry sobs and so on. but I liked to make excuses to not trust them.

Maybe your therapist did slip up and perceive herself or himself to be not what you where looking for but obviously you both moved past what ever that was.

 

[bell]

I have had problems with some therapists, especially one that I saw in her home, as you noted, there were too many things around that made me "speculate!" :)

Your posts really got me started thinking about my current P doc who I see for therapy, and she's the first doc that has always been right about everything (i.e., tell me things that at first I totally poo poo and then realize later were bang on after I've had more therapy), so compared to other therapists she is weirdly *not* "flawed," and, as such, I am wondering if that makes a difference.

Perhaps it all comes down to *how* they engage in therapy itself. Because once I also saw a social worker for therapy who admitted her flaws, but did so in such a maternal manner, that it wasn't a problem, but an asset.

Yesterday we had a big session, talking about some trauma processing that's been starting to get overwhelming. She was amazing, helping me find my way through how to slow this down without pushing it away altogether.

Reading this, @Hashi, made me so happy for you! :) As this is great news to find someone who is "great" when things get "overwhelming," especially regarding icky trauma processing!

So, sorry to not really have an answer for you, but maybe it comes down to personal differences as to why people don't work or maybe it has something to do with control as well, as in how they control the environment and how "safe" they make you feel?

 

[Lucycat]

tell me things that at first I totally poo poo and then realize later were bang on

I totally get this. So many times I have rejected a suggestion from T, and then thought long and hard after therapy and realised he was right all the time! Sometimes I know he 'throws in' something near the end of a session. Something that seems trivial, but sets my enquiring brain thinking, maybe googling too. Then when I have worked it out I can discuss it in the next session. He never tells me he is doing this deliberately but I am sure he is. I have a thirst for knowledge and he tries to encourage me to read stuff that is positive and encouraging as well as educational.

There have been times when we have had misunderstandings, and times when I think he is patronising rather than truly caring, but all told I would not swap him for anything! He said from the beginning that we would be traveling the journey to recovery together and it has really felt like that. He is there for me however hard - at times- I have tried to push him away.

When I read on here so many times about therapy failing or not being helpful I always wonder if that is down to the relationship rather than the skills of either party.

 

[euca]

This is really interesting for me as I am quite new to therapy, been going about 3 months. At first I was standoffish but I knew this was what I needed so I forced myself to trust him. I saw this as treatment, medicinal, clinical. This worked because he is the same. We meet in a very non descript office room where there is nothing at all to look at (and distract me) and there is no personality in his communication with me. Certainly no compassion or emotion. But he really knows his trauma stuff and he is 'getting me' well, and pushing me in a positive way.

However I can't help but feel a bit at a disadvantage...he knows so much about me and I so little about him. I naturally want to pull back, it feels unsafe in a way. Like I said it's forced trust. And yet...would I really want to know anymore about him? It's weird this therapy relationship, and I find it uncomfortable.

Maybe because of his blankness or because of the newness of it I was withholding things that were too much to cross that trust line with. Then 3 weeks ago we had a terrible session, he was frustrated, I was frustrated, I withdrew and couldn't speak and I felt a whole lot of dislike towards him. At the end I told him I felt like I'd failed and he disagreed with me but it really knocked me for the whole week. By the next week I had written reams of journals, talked a bit, and realised this was just a relationship, a proper two way relationship forming. When I went back I found my voice to call him on some of the things he had said and we worked through it all and I realised he isn't a perfect psychotherapy robot but in fact a human. We've had two really strong sessions since.

I still feel strange, but I am also starting to look forward to seeing him (and, of course, the opposite at the same time). He is the only one who understands the real me in many ways. Is that unhealthy? I don't want to get dependent on him. I don't really need the confusion either! So...yeah...ups and downs. Thanks for posting, I find it helpful to hear how it works for others.

 

[shell]

I find that the closer I get to doing any really difficult work, the more difficult I find the relationship with my therapist.

Sometimes I think I twist my fear into thinking why I should quit with this therapist, create thoughts that make it more comfortable for me to push him away, so I can just keep running from doing the work I know I need to do. It's not him at all, he is still the same calm supportive person he has always been, but when he is pushing me out of avoidance, it's easier for me to find fault with him.

 

[Miasmith]

Hi shell. yes I think that what you have just said also applies to friends and family who also try to push you into the scary path to healing

 

[Abstract]

Hi Hashi,

In my mind I think the key is to identify if splitting (idealisation and devaluation) is occurring. It's normally pretty easy to figure out as one tends not to be able to hold negative and positive feelings about the person in ones mind at the same time.

If we do split it is a separate issue to the person having done something wrong as such. Its the inability to hold onto the bigger picture that is key. Splitting when it happens is a way of defending the ego and when we feel overwhelmed and threatened. The problem is that it causes havoc with relationships and the T relationship is no different. Because it is an early coping mechanism it tends to rise up when we are most vulnerable and dealing with difficult things. Helpful!:p

People do make mistakes and our T's will too. People are not perfect. To my mind I believe that if we have good general fit when the stuff is not raw and as long as they are able to dialogue with us about them and resolve the issues then it falls under a healthy T relationship (as long as the error is not something unethical or abusive of course). That doesn't mean it doesn't feel painful beyond belief of course. I struggle a lot with this stuff.

Personally the way I approach this is to try to hold the big picture in my mind and to manage and own the resulting painful feelings. To also be prepared to speak it through and attempt to listen to the T's perspective and their real motives rather than just going with my mindreading of them. To keeping checking in first.

I also think what is normally an important part of it is to check if the feelings we are having about the t match quite closely to a parental figure, especially the mother. Transference doesn't have to be bad as we can use it to work through some of the old pain and it can reveal a lot about us and our parents.

I also suspect that the closer the relationship gets the more these things arise. Distance tends to keep these issues dampened but then we never get the opportunity to work through them.

So in answer to your question of how I approach it, I try to keep out of idolisation and devaluation and deal as best as I can with the fallout.

The time I don't try to do it is when working through anything to do with my mother as I find I literally can't work through any of the experiences otherwise. I try doing it in a two step. Deal with it as is and then attempt to unsplit it later.

It's possible none of this applies to what you are dealing with so ignore if not helpful!

Sorry that it is so darn hard. You are doing a great job as you are ploughing through it and whilst dealing with hard trauma treatment.

Oh and I have also had T in a T's home (the only one of her clients to) and it was tricky at times. Not helped either by discovering that she is in wiki for unrelated things and has a very public identity as does her family.

 

[Hashi]

It's very interesting reading what people have written.

It really is a strange relationship, but I think humans have probably always needed some sort of unequal relationship for support and guidance. For example with priests or elders. To me, therapy seems like a version of this.

@euca - you're saying so many things that I've thought/felt about therapy. When I first started, I was very uncomfortable with how one-way it was. I thought I did want to know things about my therapist, but I've found out that I don't! The safety has to come from professionalism and boundaries, and that can seem contradictory when you also need to feel trust and even a kind of intimacy. It's weird that it's actually the professionalism and boundaries that allow that. Like you say, that doesn't mean perfection or robotic precision, though.

He is the only one who understands the real me in many ways. Is that unhealthy? I don't want to get dependent on him. I don't really need the confusion either!

I think it's healthy. And the bad news is that we do need to become dependent on therapists, over time as we start to feel more sure that we can depend on them. I have big problems with dependency so I've found that very hard. It's healing too, though. It's that thing of the therapy relationship bringing up the things we need to work on in relationships more generally. It's a safe place to work through those and practise, with someone who can handle it if we withdraw, lash out or generally freak.

What people have said about the relationship in calmer weather and the relationship under stress (eg trauma work) is interesting. I think I do tend to have unrealistic expectations and also concerns that cause issues when under pressure.

I think I tend to give too much meaning to her slipping up or making suggestions that don't resonate. In my case, I see a transpersonal therapist so the approach has a metaphysical basis and can be quite alternative. This is right for me but I'm always wary that she won't be grounded enough, or she'll start being too alternative and cross the line into going off with the fairies. Not because she's done this, only because it's something I'm anxious about. I'm starting to realise that a mistake she made that set off these concerns in me was actually something that's quite possible for any trauma therapist, even the most straight-down-the-line CBT practitioner.

@ Abstract - what you said has made me think. The word splitting is a bit tricky for me here (I immediately associate it with other things and feel muddled) but the concept of not seeing the big picture definitely resonates. I'm not sure it's mirroring a parental relationship directly, but it definitely sparks a lot of stuff about my negative world view and the orphan child archetype.

I don't think there's any advantage to seeing her in her home, except being able to see her at all of course. I miss the anonymous environment.

 

[roaminggnome]

I am in the process of taking a 3 week break from therapy. Whatever happens next will help me to determine if I change therapists or not. I am angry with my current therapist and some of my trust for her is gone. She feels it too because when I get angry I just cut people off. I go almost completely nonverbal around her. I know that she is a great therapist but at the same time might no longer be the therapist for me.

@Hashi - I too don't want to know anything about my therapist's life. Nor any of my doctors. That must be rough being in her home environment. That would be way too much information for me.

 

[Abstract]

Hi @Hashi,

I did worry a little after I wrote it if what I said was too "psychological" for you but then didn't know how else to express it with any accuracy. Also, splitting is tricky word since it means two different things psychologically speaking and is used for even more things. I too have sensitivities around some of it. Black and white would be another term for what I was discussing but it somehow doesn't cover it.

I am afraid I don't know how to express it in terms of archetypes. I am assuming part of what can happen is that the Orphan Child sees the imperfection or error as a sign of potential danger and then goes into pushing away mode. I am not sure how that is addressed in archetype therapy - if another archetype is encouraged to step in or if the Orphan Child is encouraged to see things differently.

In the only way I know how to express it one of the advantages of being able to accept mistakes and imperfections (as long as they are not things we shouldn't overlook) is that learning that our T can be imperfect and yet safe, reliable and valuable can allow us to see ourselves differently too. Maybe we too can be imperfect yet safe, reliable and valuable. It extends to more too - to a world view.

Not saying any of that applies to you specifically as I wouldn't know but that is the way I see it.

 

[Hashi]

Whatever happens next will help me to determine if I change therapists or not.

Something I hate about the therapy relationship is the points where you have to decide whether to continue with someone. I find it an incredibly difficult decision to make. In my case, in deciding to continue with my current therapist I wondered how much of my decision was based on not wanting to have to find someone else and start over.

Finding someone else who would be a good match for me seemed impossible. I use some unusual, alternative approaches and I want a therapist who gets that (not just respects it but can see things from that perspective). At the same time, I want a solid trauma therapist. Then you have to add in the individual chemistry.

I think all this is probably similar for everyone, whatever approaches work for them. Finding someone with the right mix for us of validating and questioning/challenging, someone who gets us and someone who we feel we can trust.

I actually looked at other therapists. I came to the conclusion that my feeling that it would be impossible to find anyone else wasn't because I was unusual. Unusual means it would be difficult to find someone, but not impossible - after all, I found my current therapist despite the difficulties. It was because my current therapist was essentially right for me and I needed to work through things with her. But that feeling might have gone the other way. If it had, it would have been very tough to follow but it would have been the right thing to do.

I hope your break helps you clarify what to do next. I'm sorry you're in this position.