Therapy relationship artificial?

[Mee]

Regarding ‘professional’ . I agree the relationship is professional. But professional relationships can be ‘real’.

Surrogates are an example of reality I think ( in some countries it’s not legal to be paid to be a surrogate ). I think there are many teachers who care about the group but not the individual- but some who genuinely do care about each child in their class- and while it’s a job there is real emotional connection. ( I wrote to my first teacher a some years ago and she remembered me and who my friends were and details like that) . Impressive.

Nannies/ childminders. I bet they often care very much for the children. Dh is still in touch with at least one of his .

Professional doesn’t have to been not intimate or disingenuous. Paying for the service means to me that implies the safety of professional standards and structure ( for both parties) . It gives T the option to remind me kindly) of something contradictory I said a year ago (and then talk through why all people are contradictory but talk about if I’m changing or if I’m responding) , It creates a power dynamic where I can surrender some autonomy without feeling so vulnerable. It makes the idea of boundaries, expectations and obligations into professional standards. I expect my T to show up, do her job and behave kindly / respectfully/ responsibly/ frankly and communicate well. I expect myself to show up , do my homework, or give it a good try and go back to her with the problems, and communicate well and speak respectfully/ truthfully.

( These are good models with different boundaries for every type of relationship- And if I don’t like the way someone treats me - even if it’s not a professional relationship I can move the boundaries of the relationship to passing wave or not entertaining that cheeky monkey )

So yes- I’d definitely agree my T relationship is professional. And boundaried . ( my T has strict rules about social engagement if we end up at the same function or something) And one sided ( I know some details about her personal life, her dog sometimes comes to t sessions but not things like a partners name or status .

But I don’t think those things make it artificial. I think they confine it to being a therapist and patient relationship rather than a friendship or anything else and that’s healthy and necessary.

 

[OliveJewel]

Am thinking that the concept of “therapeutic” might be aligned with “artificial?”

I might need to start another thread. What does “therapeutic” mean to you? Is therapeutic necessarily artificial (to a certain degree?). Now I’m having a hard time thinking there is anything *not* artificial in the human realm. Splitting from the concept of real for a moment.

 

[Movingforward10]

A walk in the woods can be theraputic.
Or repotting a plant.
Nothing articifcal about that.

 

[OliveJewel]

Yeah I hear you. So therapeutic more akin to healing maybe.

 

[Defaultxlove]

I think this is related:

Today I cried on the phone - I missed you to my T. She thought it was so sweet. And said she was right here now no need to miss her!

Later in convo I asked her if I bother her and she said no. Don't ever think that.

So I figured why would she get in the line of work she is in if I was bothering her. Plus she has told me before (anything she disagrees with)

So I think the artificial comes from the fact that it's thru care . Like a Dr. I love my Drs office and they know that. But end of day. I don't expect to have priority over any other patience.

I don't think artificial is the right word.

 

[Friday]

I don't think artificial is the right word.

Agree absolutely IF AND ONLY IF if it’s being used instead of fake/phoney/insincere.

That’s only one of the definitions of artificial, however.

Created deliberately, rather than occurring organically… is another.

 

[Defaultxlove]

This

Created deliberately, rather than occurring organically… is another.

 

[OliveJewel]

Thank you @Defaultxlove. Been thinking about what you said.

I am grateful that you shared your interaction with your T. It gives me perspective to reflect on my own interactions.

I know you shared that your trauma happened as an adult. I’m guessing that you had a good enough childhood without any major traumas.

I am aware that people who experience trauma as adults can still regress to childlike states as part of their healing.

I am intrigued by your interactions. I feel things similar to what you expressed but am hyper-critical of myself so block expression of such feelings. I think it has to do with attachment wounds or something like that.

It’s perfectionism. Black and white thinking. Plus projection. On my part. I know she can’t fill my emotional needs, but she can co-regulate with me. So I can say, “I feel uncomfortable,” and let her sit with me. But to say something about interpersonal dependence or needs is too painful. I see the artificiality too clearly.

This gets back to the transference crap. I don’t understand why I should bleed my heart to her when it’s all fake. I don’t understand how someone can say something like, “I wish you could hold me,” just to hear them say some version of “I can’t,” or way worse cross that boundary.

I don’t understand why a client would say, “I love you. I hope we can be friends,” and stuff like that. Yet I feel it. I was trying to get to that in session last time. I was trying to understand how I might get to the place where I could say it too. Despite the fact that I would be told nope. And she said some people never talk about it and are fine.

Yuck. Such a yucky topic. When I think about me saying stuff like what you said I see a ball of anger rising inside. And then T saying, “Don’t push it. It will happen when it happens.” Which leads to more anger.

*Sigh*

I guess I’m still not ready or something. Bleh. I’m going to stop thinking about it. Feel myself slipping. Not sure what to hold onto but I’ll try. Feeling like I need to vent this anger in my diary but it’s starting to turn over on itself into a big knotted ball. Maybe I can forget about it. Maybe I’ll vent it tomorrow.

Crap it’s big. I will vent in my diary.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don’t understand why I should bleed my heart to her

To have the intention to say it to get better? i.e. be honest?

 

[Defaultxlove]

I see the artificiality too clearly

I can say that I know what you feel. I'd love to be friends with my T IRL but then she couldn't be my T. I think anyways. I talked to mine first thing. I come from a family 10 kids. I felt my mom didn't love me but the truth was she was busy loving all of us. My step dad was angry sometimes . He was an adopted foster child. I think we all have things we need to heal from, from the past. But I was healed from those things before my trauma which makes a difference I'm sure. I digress. Back to you.
Your relationship with t is real, but maybe not clear to you yet how and settled in your heart yet.

I don’t understand why I should bleed my heart to her when it’s all fake.

Are you afraid she will abandon you?

Crap it’s big.

:( with you OliveJewel.

I'm looking forward to seeing this settled in you.

 

[whiteraven]

Your relationship with t is real, but maybe not clear to you yet how and settled in your heart yet.

The relationship was real, no doubt. But it was clinical and artificial.

 

[Mach123]

It’s as real as any relationship. It just has unique parameters that’s all.