Had Enough Of Fighting My Own Head

[digger]

Not sure where to go with things from here. Been seeing a counsellor for almost a year and while I like her and think she probably is the right person, I'm feeling at the moment like I'm getting nowhere or getting worse. Half the time I can't even speak to her, physically can't get any words out even though I would like too and then I get so frustrated with myself for not being able to talk. I hate that I dissociate and have flashbacks during sessions as well and that I can't stay more in control of my own head. I keep thinking I should just give up because I'm wasting both our time but she is pretty much all I've got support wise just now.

 

[WillyKat]

I went through some of that about five or six months ago. I brought it up with my therapist and a couple of friends.

What helped me through this was altering my expectations a bit. I kept expecting big, earth shattering gigantic leaps, but had to change that to expect small steps and little things as progress. My impatience really got in the way.

It's a lot like an exercise program or a journey of a thousand miles; you won't notice change unless you stick with it.

 

[Abstract]

You describe my reality when it comes to therapy very well Digger. The head stuff, the inability to talk and the resulting frustration.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I had the same problem for awhile with my therapist. For months I would leave and felt like it wasn't helping. But I knew we worked well together and that I probably wouldn't find better so I stuck with it. I did what WillyKat did and changed my expectations and educated myself. I started to relie on him less and when I started trying to help myself then I felt I was able to make better progress in therapy.

That is just me though. You may be different.

 

[digger]

Thanks for replying.

I hate it. It's getting me down even more on top of how crap I'm already feeling, but I'm pretty sure if I give up on it I'm going to feel like I've failed which won't help either! And I know I need to speak to her about it really, but back to square one with not being able to speak

 

[Abstract]

And I know I need to speak to her about it really, but back to square one with not being able to speak

I understand this entirely as how does one sort something out when one can't speak. It's an endless cycle. I eventually would just have tears rolling down my face from feeling so powerless.

I wanted to say too that it didn't only come up with trauma discussion. Just saying how I had been was enough.

I don't know what you have tried so far. I now see it as my mind not feeling safe enough to engage even when I feel I can. What I tried was doing anything I could to feel safer and looking what exactly was blocking me and keeping me feeling this way. I am working on breaking down the barriers as much as is possible.

Is she fairly good at being aware of of safety and grounding? Could you email her?

altering my expectations a bit.

changed my expectations and educated myself.

If possible I would love clarification. I am not sure I understand. I can't really see how not being able to speak and not being able to engage in therapy could be something to expect or how it could be changed by education but I seem to be missing something entirely as two of you have said the same thing. Thanks.

 

[WillyKat]

I'm going to remove my response; it almost seems like it got inserted into the wrong thread.

 

[Abstract]

It wasn't in any way a criticism Willykat! It was a genuine query. Ayesha seems to be on the same page as you.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@Abstract I can explain briefly becasue I don't have a lot of time.

I was expecting to much of myself too quickly. I had no coping skills and was badly isolated. I had to change my thinking a bit about therapy. It had to become a way to help me heal but not the only way.

 

[Abstract]

Thanks @Ayesha. No pressure! I am still not sure I understand and if you have time to come back to this at some point that would be great.

Are you saying that you could not talk or engage in therapy at that time because you were not attempting to help yourself and were expecting more than you could do? If that is the case then what were your expectations at the time and in what way do you feel that relying on your T instead of yourself resulted in you being dissociated and silent? Were you trying incredibly hard in every imaginable way to engage or were you sitting back and expecting your t to do the work and fix you?

For me I have a fair amount of coping skills and do use them. One needs to in order to get over an eating disorder - can't do so without. They are off course overwhelmed at times. I also never expected a T to fix me and have always felt the responsibility was entirely mine. I am more open to it being a partnership these days. At that time all I expected of myself was to be able to engage with my therapist about the basics such as discussing how I had been and remain being able to speak and not ending up significantly dissociated.

Digger1, I hope you don't mind me asking. If this feels like a disruption or a take over of your thread then please let me know and I will back out. Hoping it will be relevant for you too.

 

[digger]

I don't mind at all Abstract. It is helpful to know I'm not the only one.

I now see it as my mind not feeling safe enough to engage even when I feel I can.

Yes, I think maybe this, which is what I mean about fighting my own head all the time because I think I have decided that I want and need to talk about things and that it is a safe place to do so, but when I am there something kicks in that clearly thinks otherwise.

We have done a lot of work on grounding and coping strategies. It makes me feel so stupid and useless when I can't talk even after all this time and when I have sessions like that where I'm pretty much mute the whole hour, I'm coming away feeling bad and spending the rest of the day trying to fight self harm urges and shot because of it, which obviously is not a good space to be in.

It's 4 am - I should probably come back to this tomorrow. I am so tired always, it doesn't help with clear thinking.

 

[digger]

I'm going to remove my response; it almost seems like it got inserted into the wrong thread.

Please don't, it's all relevant and I appreciate you taking the time to reply and give your perspective.