Had Enough Of Fighting My Own Head

[Hashi]

In a different thread (https://www.myptsd.com/threads/how-to-find-the-right-therapist.37178/#post-601131), TeaLeaf said:

In my early 20's, my whole first year with one therapist was playing a card game while we talked, a lot of it was superficial at first. Because of my history, I couldn't trust people but slowly as she was patient with me, supportive of me and gave me lots of control over what I was going to talk about, I was able to build trust and talk about things that were going on in my life and it started to get more into my trauma.

I'm wondering if something like this could help. I understand that you would need to communicate with her to look into the possibility of anything like this, and that difficulty communicating is the whole point.

You've obviously managed a lot, though, given how you feel. You found a therapist, arranged to see her, and are going regularly. Can you identify the things that you've done that have been successful towards communication so far? What was it that enabled you to successfully arrange to see her initially? Perhaps you could use the same approach to get more help from her to get through the sessions with less difficulty.

I think it comes down to three things. One is coming up with strategies that you and your therapist can use together to reduce the stress/distress of trying to talk with her. Like the card game or maybe something else. Anything using your hands is good, as well as things that distract your mind a little, like colouring or drawing geometric designs - this is what I do while making phone calls that fill me with anxiety. It distracts and soothes me a little while I'm talking.

The second thing I think always comes back to coping and grounding skills. I think we need far more of these than are usually suggested. I think we also need to devise them for particular situations, like staying grounded while walking into therapy, staying grounded while sitting down, staying grounded while telling her how your week has been etc. Then we have to practise them almost constantly, including a lot of imaginary walk throughs in advance to make them more automatic for us and to reinforce their effectiveness.

The third thing may be related to what others have said about expectations, I'm not sure. I think we need to break therapy down into stages. Getting used to going, building a relationship with the therapist, saying one thing that's hard to say, etc. We can't expect ourselves to go from zero to being able to open up and talk freely. Measuring ourselves against that is counter-productive. The steps along the way take time, and they may need to be tiny steps. Recognising them is important. If you're talking at all, if you've got yourself there at all, then I think you've achieved things and I'd encourage you to give yourself credit for them.

Is there a very small goal you could set yourself and work towards, regarding talking more? Something specific and measurable that you can plan for and you'll be able to see when you achieve it? It's those very small goals that add up to successful therapy, over time.

 

[scout86]

First, I can relate to not being able to talk. My therapist, apparently, LOVES to talk. Given half a chance, he'll talk about all kinds of stuff, endlessly. At first, I thought that was great, because it meant I could get him going on something totally unrelated and avoid talking about stuff I didn't actually want to talk about. (It helps that I can apparently out last him when it comes to long gaps in conversation. LOL) Then, I went through a phase where I was worried that we weren't getting anything accomplished and that it was either my fault, for being uncooperative, or his, for not being good at his job. Recently, I've gotten to where I think it's actually him, being smart enough to give me room and time to get comfortable with him. He eventually gets "somewhere", although often in small doses. Well, as it turns out, "small doses" is quite enough at one time anyway.

Here's something to consider, kind of from the other side. In one of my "previous incarnations" (I've had a few career changes.) I trained horses. In fact, I ended up in a position where I was working mostly with young horses who "had issues". It was a unique situation and an interesting job. When I got a new "student" they usually were dumped on me with a list of "problems". Things that were "wrong with them". The truth is, most of what people thought were problems with the horse, were not problems with the horse at all. They were either the result of mistakes that people had made or they were misunderstandings of a sort.

I approached things by taking the horse as he was, starting at the beginning, and working my way along to find out what they "got" and what they didn't get and working to sort things out and fill in the gaps. I kind of had what we called "my deal" which is a sort of cowboy way of saying I had a way I approached things, questions I asked, things I looked for, common issues I was aware existed etc, that I found worked for me to get the job done.. Guess what? That's "therapy", isn't it? LOL Who knew? I never thought of it that way, at the time. I also was only dimly aware of the fact that I related as well as I did to these colts because we had a sort of common background.

I bring this up because a couple people have mentioned that they are concerned that their therapist might be getting frustrated with them. Here's the thing, if it's a GOOD therapist, they aren't getting frustrated with YOU. If they are getting frustrated at all, it's with their own inability to find the way to present things so you "see" it. That's THEIR job, not yours. It was never the horse's job to figure ME out, it was MY job to present things to him so it made sense. I was, supposedly, the "smart one" of the pair. Therapy is like that, I think.

Unless you're therapist is fairly new on the job, you probably aren't going to be able to come up with something they've never seen before. At least not something totally unfamiliar. They've seen it, or something like it, and they have a "way" they handle it that they've found works for them. At least, if they are very good at what they do. All horse trainers aren't equally good either. (If they were, I never would have had those "students".)

I keep reminding myself that, if I picked the "right" therapist, he knows how to do his job. My job is to try to relax and let him do it. The past few weeks, it's starting to look like he's WAY better at his job than I thought. It's almost scarey. But then, he does this for a living and he's done it a long time. Maybe some of those horses wondered how I knew what I knew too. LOL

On a practical note, my therapist actually WANTS me to email him between sessions and mentions it if he hasn't heard from me. I find I can write a lot of stuff that I would have a hard time saying. (And as soon as I've sent the email, I REALLY wish I could take it back! LOL) I imagine that works different for different people. I also try to remind myself that it's pretty common to want to quit therapy. I suspect that feeling a panicked need to bail often means I'm getting close to something that's "an issue" and actually needs to be addressed. The horses were like that too. Hang in there and good luck!

 

[DharmaGirl]

It was never the horse's job to figure ME out, it was MY job to present things to him so it made sense.

I also trained horses and this resonates with me. I really get it when you say it this way. Thank you so much!

 

[digger]

Thanks Hashi,

Can you identify the things that you've done that have been successful towards communication so far? What was it that enabled you to successfully arrange to see her initially?

I'm struggling to identify what's helped so far - it doesn't happen very often! - I will think on that though some more. As to how I managed to arrange counselling initially, I think that probably came down to desperation really :-/ I am feeling pretty wary of sharing much detail on such a public forum which is making it a little tricky to explain some things clearly.

Generally, I am a stubbornly independent and self reliant kind of person and in the past I have dealt with crises very much on my own, but not in particularly healthy or safe ways, mostly through alcohol and drugs and self harm (which I've used as a coping strategy since childhood). I don't use alcohol or drugs at all any more and while I am still self harming, I am trying very hard to only use it as a last resort and in as minimal a way as possible. I have a lone parent and I really don't want to use those methods of coping any more, but that has kind of left me a bit defenseless in the face of this latest crisis.

So after two years of a frustrating lack of support from GP's which basically amounted to meds and waiting lists and nothing else and getting progressively worse, I needed to do something - I have been suicidal in the past, and while I'm not really at that point at the moment, I am always wary that it's not very far away - and as I said, I'm a lone parent, suicide really isn't an option. So I found a counsellor, but relying on other people for anything, asking for help etc is not my usual go to and very much out of my comfort zone, so I never expected it to be a quick or easy process, but I don't think I expected it to be quite this difficult and slow either. I'm not sure how I can use that to help now though other than to try and keep in mind what made me go in the first place.

I think all the points you've made are probably pretty spot on and worth looking at. Thank you.

Is there a very small goal you could set yourself and work towards, regarding talking more?

Will think on that.

 

[digger]

@scout86 thankyou, that's a realy useful perspective to have.

 

[digger]

*am a lone parent, not *have*

 

[digger]

I suspect that feeling a panicked need to bail often means I'm getting close to something that's "an issue" and actually needs to be addressed.

Yep. distinct possibility ;)

 

[Abstract]

Hi @Ayesha,
Please feel free to ignore and no pressure but if you feel inclined then I would still be interested.

Are you saying

Digger,
I don't have time now and will come back but what often interests me when I find someone who displays a similar behaviour to me is to see the things we have in common as sometimes that gives me extra information as to what is adding to it.

I am a stubbornly independent and self reliant kind of person and in the past I have dealt with crises very much on my own,

a counsellor, but relying on other people for anything, asking for help etc is not my usual goto and very much out of my comfort zone,

I think this is one of the biggest issues for me. There is a deeply entrenched feeling that support from others is neither OK nor safe. That it leaves me open to harm. Just being in a mental health environment implies receiving help and that seems to be enough to make me feel unsafe. I think I go through cycles of emotional flashbacks to do with it at times. It seems that as my unhealthy means of coping are removed I feel more exposed and it is therefore more of an issue.

I am fairly self aware, I am no longer in total denial, my self is more developed, I no longer use alcohol as I did, my eating disorder is a thing of the past, normal self harm is almost gone. I actually think my recent silence allowed more progress than almost all of the previous yammering.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My apologies Abstract. I am still not feeling well and I had forgotten about this thread. Tagging me is very helpful way to get my attention, so thank you. I haven't actually looked at the other posts in the thread so sorry if I am just jumping in.

I am not sure how well I can answer your questions.

you were not attempting to help yourself

No, I was not. I thought I was. I thought that simply by going to therapy would help me. But it wasn't.

in what way do you feel that relying on your T instead of yourself

I saw my therapist twice a week at the time. Nothing wrong with that but I realize now that would not be good for me now. I gave myself no time to think about the actual therapy and what he was telling me. No time to work on other things that may have helped me. I had no grounding skills or coping skills. I had no means of helping myself expect for him. I wasn't looking at myself at all.

Were you trying incredibly hard in every imaginable way to engage or were you sitting back and expecting your t to do the work and fix you?

What was more damning for me was my other mental issues that I chose to ignore. Ever since I started on medication I can actually think straight. Since then therapy has actually been helpful. But that is neither here nor there, as not everyone has underlining mental illness issues like I was having. Nor is this really the place to talk about them...

There are other things I find helpful as well, such as writing.

But I worry that none of this is helpful to the original poster and I am taking over their thread. I also worry that this does not clear up your confusion, Abstract and I am not explaining myself well but that is all I have the energy for now.

Best wishes. :)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Generally, I am a stubbornly independent

Oh me too. My husband calls me a 'independent feminist'. Not sure if that is true or not. But I hate to follow others leads and I more enjoy finding my own path and probably not leaving that trail of bread crumbs to find my way back.

 

[digger]

There is a deeply entrenched feeling that support from others is neither OK nor safe.

Yes, I think the general trust issues adds an additional barrier. I think a lot of things with me come down to discrepancies between what I feel and what I know.

as my unhealthy means of coping are removed I feel more exposed

Yes, again. We have also touched on some of the coping strategies that I have developed just to survive, conscious and unconscious ones, mostly the dissociation, and she has assured me, or tried to assure me at least that she doesn't want to take any of my coping strategies away from me and leave me defenceless, but it can feel a lot like that, because to move forward I need to give some of them up...

normal self harm

Don't feel obliged to answer, but can I ask what you mean by 'normal' self harm? Are you just meaning what most people would associate with self harm as opposed to eating disorders, drinking etc or do you mean something else by that?

 

[Rumors]

Digger, I don't know if you feel this way or not, but I have a very hard time discussing anything related to childhood stuff because I feel very out of control. If I even think I am becoming emotional, it scares the crap out of me because it represents a loss of control which I can't handle. It is almost like I have to control how all of this comes out in order to keep the collateral damage down. If I don't know how the story ends before I start, I can't start. Make sense? I don't know that if I start, and I mean really delve into things, I can predict the outcome of many things in my life. If I stay status quo, I can keep them working because, although they can be quite dysfunctional, I know how it works. I don't know how life works if I cleanse my body of the secrets. Will I feel better? Will I go off the deep end? Would my husband be accepting? I guess he could divorce me. Would my family and friends find out? Then there is just the whole deal that I would have to face it and say it actually happened leaving me feeling like I am 4 again.

My message is hang in there! I can relate, but have no definite answers except to keep trudging through. I try and tell myself the unknown doesn't necessarily have to be bad. It can also be good. If I could just do this without feeling vulnerable... HA! Good luck!!!