Again

[breathingheart]

I feel so empty and desperate to fill this hole in my center. I've always been this way and tho I'm so much better at managing it now it's worse now because I always know it's coming back.

I was at a conference a while ago where a presenter advised people not to ask people like me about our trauma histories because they are so hard and painful to hear. I hate her and people like her so much. I just want to spew my trauma all over them.

But that makes me hate myself - the idea that I could hurt people that way. That I have something so terrible in me - and that's how I started out in life. As a terrible shameful little thing.

I feel extra guilty because I'm not supposed to have these feelings anymore. Everyone thinks I'm so brave and strong and smart.

I know it was just a stupid person and I should try to distract myself and have adaptive thoughts and I'll feel better tomorrow and... really, this is what's at the center of me. It's never going away.

 

[bell]

I feel extra guilty because I'm not supposed to have these feelings anymore.

Why are you not "allowed" to have these feelings anymore? We all have feelings, and, yes, we're "allowed" to feel them. Sometimes it takes longer (and a lot of therapy) in order to get right about them, but we're allowed them, most definitely.

 

[Seasounds]

But that makes me hate myself - the idea that I could hurt people that way. That I have something so terrible in me - and that's how I started out in life. As a terrible shameful little thing.

The speaker was insensitive, at that point, to people with trauma. Trauma stories can overwhelm people, and at the same time, people with trauma hold great value. They share truths that others ignore. You are a good person, and can feel proud, to be who you are. Please, share your trauma, on this forum; here is an audience, with the ability and the interest to be empathetic to your suffering. You are a gift!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

was at a conference a while ago where a presenter advised people not to ask people like me about our trauma histories because they are so hard and painful to hear. I hate her and people like her so much. I just want to spew my trauma all over them.

I am confused. For me I wouldn't want someone I don't know asking about my trauma's. Someone tried that with me, in front of an entire group of people and it was unpleasant. So I don't understand why you 'hate her'?

Maybe I don't understand what the conference was about. I guess there is a time and place for everything. Was this conference a place to 'spew your trauma all over them', did it have something to do with PTSD?

 

[Flyaway]

I get it! I'm angry at those people too! I feel furious that they feel entitled to offload all their BS, but when we need to talk and get stuff off our chest - instead of them finding value in our experiences and offering emotional support (like I do for them all the time- and I'm sure you do too...) they act like we should be ASHAMED of our experiences... and they expect us to comfort THEM if we dare share "too much" BULLSH*T!!! I'd like to scream at those people - GO F*CK YOURSELVES!!! ITS NOT MY F*CKING FAULT I WAS ABUSED AND NOW HAVE PTSD!!!

@breathingheart sorry you had a rough day... I hope you always feel safe enough, and like you have a right to spew out your trauma here... I think most people have big enough hearts to listen and be supportive of struggles and not minimise or disregard your experience! :happy:

 

[quic]

I'd like to scream at those people - GO F*CK YOURSELVES!!! ITS NOT MY F*CKING FAULT I WAS ABUSED AND NOW HAVE PTSD!!!

I agree, give yourself permission to be angry, you are not bad for feeling that. It is not helpful to judge ourselves for having feelings of any kind. They are all valid and worthwhile feelings. We are not meant to be happy and peacefull all the time, feel what is there in that moment. :mad:

 

[WillyKat]

One think PTSD does to us is to de-legitimize our feelings. Having feelings, even angry and rage feelings is OK. Our abusers and their allies, witting and unwitting allies, want us to bury feelings and feel guilty for having them. Fight that narrative and have your feelings and not feel bad about it.

Obviously, acting on those feelings is a different matter. I'm a believer in the idea that you can't make feelings you don't like go away by suppressing / repressing them.

I would cut yourself some slack about having feelings. Let the guilt about that drop on the floor, step on it, and walk on.

Oh, and that speaker is definitely insensitive and may be an idiot. There are a lot of them out there. Again, walk on.

 

[Nebulustrix]

I feel extra guilty because I'm not supposed to have these feelings anymore. Everyone thinks I'm so brave and strong and smart.

Being brave and strong and smart does not mean feelings of anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, etc do not exist. Some of my favorite quotes concerning this are below:

"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.” - Arnold Schwarzenegger

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who counquers that fear." - Nelson Mandela

"Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway." - John Wayne

"Courage is grace under pressure." - Earnest Hemmingway

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." - Eleanor Roosevelt

But that makes me hate myself - the idea that I could hurt people that way. That I have something so terrible in me - and that's how I started out in life. As a terrible shameful little thing.

YOU are not terrible and shameful. What HAPPENED to you is terrible and shameful. Please do not let what this person said tear you apart. Acknowledge how it has made you feel (both this person's off comment and your trauma), allow yourself to experience those feelings, but do not let those feelings conquer you and destroy your self-worth. You ARE brave and strong and smart.

If people cannot handle hearing about your trauma or the trauma of others, then they shouldn't ask about it. But that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of people out there who CAN handle hearing the horror and be kind, caring, understanding, sympathetic, and empathetic.

 

[arfie]

It never goes away. You're right. The past cannot be changed. However, change is inevitable. With proactive involvement, the change really can be for the better.

One thing I have come to believe over my years of recovery within support groups is that one person's helpful truth is often another person's ticket to Lala Land. Your speaker's statement would be my helpful truth. Just look what it did to you. Obviously it is neither true, nor helpful for you. Together we make a classic example of one soul's trash being another soul's treasure. The only place I, personally, would argue with the speaker's statement is in the notion that it fits all PTSD sufferers or the people who care about us.

Gentle hugs, breathingheart. Hope tomorrow is a better day.

 

[Seasounds]

I feel so empty and desperate to fill this hole in my center.

When I went back and read your post, I realized how I overlooked the above concern, and I also really liked how you put this experience to words. I can feel this way, whenever I perceive that someone disapproves of me. You are the first person I've found,who described this so well.

I hope the above replies helped you navigate into your center of wholenes. Thanks for your post.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I happen to agree with the presenter!! I don't think her message was "shut up, you have no voice, get over it" rather "it's rude to ask someone about the worst moment of their lives".

And more importantly, who ever asks someone to talk about it? Anyone who does is just plain rude or insensitive! WE are the ones who hold the power to speak or not speak! Nobody should ever put us on the spot like that (outside of therapy).

 

[Seasounds]

Good point about the presenter; that person may have meant to protect PDST folks.