Maybe The 'other Me' Wins

[roseann]

I am starting, not just starting, to think I will just let that other part of me have it all. I'm tired of fighting and struggling and hurting and I think she dealt with it a lot better than I can at this point.

I have to admit that while I hate 'her', while I despise the way she led 'her' life, I have to admire how strong she was and I just don't know if I have that strength. There are moments when I think I do, but they evaporate as quickly as they were formed.

Feels like a really crappy choice: I can be compassionate, loving, honest, committed, and bawling with pain. Or I can be disconnected, self-destructive, destructive to others, self-absorbed, invincible, and un-feeling. Right now I am wondering if I made the wrong choice.

It was supposed to be a good day. And I feel guilty for venting.

 

[digger]

Feels like a really crappy choice: I can be compassionate, loving, honest, committed, and bawling with pain. Or I can be disconnected, self-destructive, destructive to others, self-absorbed, invincible, and un-feeling

I think learning to be a new 'you' takes time and part of the process unfortunately involves the pain of various realisations about yourself and your life and others in it. You're right, the other you was strong, but that strength is still in this you too, it just needs redirecting in different ways maybe?

It was supposed to be a good day. And I feel guilty for venting

Who is that guilt directed at? Yourself or others? I wonder if you feel you are letting yourself down for not being as strong as you want to be? It's just you've used 'supposed' in two posts, and I wonder who is doing the supposing? Please forgive me if I'm way off the mark with this.

 

[digger]

Apologies, that all sounds a bit clumsy reading that back. I am just wondering if you are maybe wanting more from yourself than it is fair to expect from yourself at this moment in time?

 

[arfie]

I talk allot like this when I am trying to "throw the baby out with the bath water." Maybe just a coincidence which has nothing to do with your case.

I came of age as a homeless, drug addicted prostitute. I never want to be THAT GIRL again. But she had her redeeming qualities. Strengths and dreams worthy of development. Looking at THAT GIRL close enough to honor and develolp some of those qualities was amongst the more healing phases of my recovery.

I still don't want to be a homeless, drug addicted prostitute again, but I can now give That Girl credit for more than her circumstance.

Whatever it is for you, Roseanne, please don't feel guilty for venting. It helps sometimes.

 

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

You're doing the right thing to vent out and share this feeling. Guilt is the wrong word, this is a fear that you have done something wrong, when really what you did is exactly right.

Human instincts drive us to that feeling, the core fear that we will not connect with those around us and so will not be able to survive outside the group.

Truth is it is utterly exhausting at times pursuing that other self, that is capable of reaching out and feeling all of the good and bad. It can't be disputed that authenticity is exhausting.

For me the question that best diffuses the frustration is: what's this worth to me? Do I deserve to be a whole person, embracing both my intellectual and emotional talents? And I know the answer is yes, then my intellectual self can no longer discredit the emotional one.

Ultimately I can take what I did well before, and find out how it fits with the new talents, the unknown territory that so often just feels like flailing rather than a forward motion.

 

[therisa]

Roseann, we all understand the frustration, which you are venting, here, how you're feeling less perfect, because you are letting go, of your "protector" self. In my case, it meant, I had to stop living a lie, as a male, which I used to protect myself, from the abuse, I endure, while growing up, and embrace my new self, as a woman. I will not lie to you, by saying, it's a piece of cake, during this transitioning period of yours, but you have the inner strength and courage, to start this journey, which is more than a lot of healthier people, don't have. Please don't give up on yourself.

 

[roseann]

Thank you all for your insightful comments. It is a very difficult time and I am very hard on myself. I have always had a very difficult time sharing my pain -- or joy for that matter --with anyone due to a fear of rejection. This is what happened to me in a trivial way this morning and it set me off on a batsh*t crazy path. I sometimes don't believe I deserve help or recognition, that it is easier or more desirable to disappear -- that is a big problem to work on.

I talk allot like this when I am trying to "throw the baby out with the bath water." Maybe just a coincidence which has nothing to do with your case.

Spot on. And I think you are very right about looking for good attributes. After all, she did keep me as safe as she could.
@dreamsofmydeath Your reply resonates strongly with me right now. I do feel as if by making my voice heard that I am doing something wrong.

Ultimately I can take what I did well before, and find out how it fits with the new talents, the unknown territory that so often just feels like flailing rather than a forward motion.

Flailing! Gads yes. Wish it were as easy as making a checklist of attributes of each personality and simply circling those I'd like to order off the menu. It seems more like a chinese restaurant value menu where you can only have one good choice and a couple of less than desirable ones... If that made any sense at all. (You should see the toast analogy I made today about my struggles.)



Thanks again, guys. So complicated, but feeling a little less overwhelmed.