In Denial About What Happened To Me

[xanabilify]

Hello, last September I was raped. Or so I think..

I have had all of the symptoms of PTSD and my psychiatrist has diagnosed me.I am starting to think maybe I am the one in the wrong? am so confused.

Here is a brief of what happened (trigger warning:

I went round my friend's house purely to get drunk because I was feeling sad. He said "I'm going to bed now" so I followed because I was tired. I closed my eyes and he started kissing my neck. He turned me over and started taking my clothes off and trying to get in my pants. I told him to stop a lot of times and I said "if you dont stop its rape" and he told me he doesnt care.

I finally gave up trying after saying no and said to him to at least wear protection.
The same thing happened a couple of hours after and in the morning he force me to masturbate him.

I confronted him and he told me he didnt rape me and I am a crazy bitch.

I am so so so so so confused.I feel hideous and awful and I want to die. I feel like my diagnosis is a lie.

 

[Abstract]

Rape is where you have unwanted sex and have made it known beforehand that you do not want it. You clearly and repeatedly said no and yet were not listened to.

Coercion is a legitimate part of being raped for many and is recognised by law in most countries.

Please stop being angry at yourself and aim your anger where it belongs - at him. Very hard I know but part of the way forward.

 

[mamachick]

You were raped.
I have to ask, why did you want to get drunk? I am not assuming anything, know nothing about you, how old you are or your circumstances. What I do know, is those of us who have a history of abuse and do not feel worthy, end up putting ourselves in situations where further bad things will happen, creating or increasing the trauma that we already have. That being said, you were still raped and his behavior is inexcusable.

The reason I ask and make the statement above is because I have experienced this, as I think many here would also say they have. Sometimes we do not know how to deal with our feelings and try to escape. We dont know who is safe and who is not, or how to remove ourselves from such situations. We end up being repeatedly abused. For me, looking back, I ask myself what I think would happen. When objective, I can clearly see nothing good coming from the situations that I have put myself in. But at the time, I seek some sort of validation at times, I seek escapes, and it has been at the expense of myself.

These situations we get into does not negate being victimized. You are a victim of rape. Yet there is a whole world out there of people just waiting to serve themselves when a victim comes along.

I am assuming you are female and he was male, but I really dont like to make any assumptions. I use to believe that men and women could be good friends without any benefits or having sex. I no longer believe that. I am 54 yrs old, and it has finally become evident that as a woman, you cant sleep with your friend without something like this being a very high probability. I have slept in the same bed with a male friend without incident. But I think that is the exception more than the rule. Men think differently and will try and try. Even friendships that I have had with males that were just coffee or lunch or exercise, it eventually comes out that they want more. They think with a different head (sorry men, I know this is a generalization and does not apply to every one of you.) I am only pointing this out because I hope that you heal from this and do not put yourself in compromising situations.

We have to learn to be our own best friend. To love and respect ourselves because nobody else will. Sorry I know I have some negative outlook, but there is alot of truth here too.

Please be safe.

 

[Badger]

A man who asks for sex, or sleeps in the same bed, comes on to you and is told No and stops, that might be a typical man. Xanabilify you were raped. Regardless of the situation you were in, or how drunk you were, there is no excuse for what he did to you. Period. You could do a naked striptease in front of him and if he reaches for you and you say "NO" Thats still no. There is absolutely no behavior on your part that gives another person permission to rape.

Brat17, that men generally like sex and will probably come on to you even if you are only friends, I do not disagree with. Fortunately in my life, those men still ask permission. To do anything less is a crime. It is not the fault of the victim that she was attacked by a criminal, and in my opinion you are treading a fine line with your commetary. No one sets her/himself up to be raped.

 

[Hashi]

Badger, my interpretation of what brat is saying is that past trauma makes us vulnerable to further trauma, because our ability to take care of ourselves, read signals, judge situations and sense risk is damaged. We may also be acting in ways that help us cope with our traumatised feelings - like drinking or being dissociated - that can put us at more risk.

I agree with what you say and I agree that it's a fine line. I do think brat is on the right side of it, because as she has said his behaviour is inexcusable. It's not an excuse for him, it's a warning to people who've been traumatised that we're often more vulnerable to predators as a result. We are not responsible, but we can be at Increased risk.

 

[RussH]

You were raped. If your therapist does not agree, then get another therapist. Your "friend" should be arrested. Please understand that you are a victim, and you are not at fault. Don't let guilt and shame continue to victimize you. You are the victim. the guilt belongs to him not you. Please, please don't blame yourself. Do not accept the condemnation of self; let yourself heal.

 

[Badger]

Hashi, I dont think survivors make a choice about when to be dissociated

 

[Abstract]

I do think male friends are possible as I have some. I certainly have been burnt along the way with others in the past developing crushes on me but that isn't the end of world even though annoying. In fact a couple of male friends have proved to be more trustworthy than the women.

I personally don't see a last minute decision to sleep over at a friends house because one is drunk and tired as risky behaviour although because of my own paranoia I am super cautious and would never do it now. That doesn't mean that I think we should have to think that way or that it is even healthy though.

I have certainly engaged in a wide range of risky behaviour. If I look back it shocks me that I didn't end up with ten times more trauma than I did. I can see why I did it of course. And like every one of us have said here - risky behaviour is irrelevant when it comes to what something is called or who is responsible.

The perpetrator is 100% responsible and the victim is 100% innocent every time.

 

[mamachick]

Badger, I said "You Were Raped"-I believe more than one time. I do not disagree with you.
Hashi is correct in interpretation of what I am saying.

"you could do a naked striptease in front of him and if he reaches for you and you say NO, thats still no. There is absolutely no behavior on your part that gives another person permission to rape."

I agree with you. There is no excuse for rape. Yet if you do what is stated above, you may get what you don't want. Not because you deserve to be raped, but because you put yourself in an unsafe situation, with unsafe people, and expect to be treated with respect and not to be victimized.

I disagree with you whole heartedly, but with the upmost respect. I do not know xanability's history so I can't speak specifically. Since this is a trauma forum and most of us have long history of trauma, once that is implanted in our brain-it is changed, and we do not have the radar to be self protective too often. I do not excuse his behavior. There will always be rapists out in the world, we can not prevent that or eradicate the many crimes with victims, however, my statements were intended to suggest that she explore her beliefs about how she protects herself, and through this can become empowered.

I have been a victim of rape. Un-dealt with, I tried to prove to myself that "some " men were trustworthy and would not do this. Only I did not learn how to gauge those situations. So I got drugged and raped (several times) by my sociopathic boyfriend who was a therapist. I ignored the red flags because I did not trust them. Even after the first time, I distrusted my own gut. Until we learn to walk down a different street, we will keep falling in the same hole. I am still learning to keep myself safe.

There is some theory that we re-create trauma in our life, and I believe that we do. It does not mean that we deserve it. It means this:
Whose responsibility is it to keep us safe? In order to do that, I may have to throw out everything that I think I know and be willing to re-learn. We can't count on "rapists" to do the right thing.

That being said, I politely respect your opinion and agree to disagree. Thank you for your views.

 

[Abstract]

Only I did not learn how to gauge those situations. ..... I ignored the red flags because I did not trust them. Even after the first time, I distrusted my own gut. Until we learn to walk down a different street, we will keep falling in the same hole. I am still learning to keep myself safe. There is some theory that we re-create trauma in our life, and I believe that we do.

I very much understand this Brat and have done this myself. I agree many of us recreate trauma - including me - and I have had to do a lot of hard work to learn to keep myself safe. Immeasurable amounts.

Often we are taught to disregard our instincts and so we don't see them even though the signs are there. Other times there really are no signs.

 

[Abstract]

I don't think survivors make a choice about when to be dissociated

Badger, I don't want to sidetrack the thread but really hope you hear what others have said here. Since dissociation was not mentioned I am wondering if this topic might have hit on a vulnerable spot for you. There is never any justification for someone to abuse another.

PS. Corrected Quote.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think the poster feels some sort of personal responsibility, perhaps because she gave mixed signals? Getting into bed with a guy and saying no sends mixed signals. (Some) Guys let their c*** do the thinking in such situations and the signal to have sex overrides the "no" signal. She said no, so yes, she was raped. However we owe it to ourselves to keep us safe. Nobody else is going to do it, nor should we expect it.