Real Feelings Come Out When I Write: Combat Related

[vmshields]

UNSTABLE MIND:
Tic toc freeze the clock stops get on your knees ask god please save me. Times up the due date is here you enter the day with fear cause its time. TIME. Life is hard and if nothing changes then nothing changes and it gets harder. One cowardly choice can make it all easy. Easy ya but for who. Get help I tell my self but from who........ before this nightmare comes true. Pull the slide back its loaded...... deep breath 1.2.3 slight squeeze 4lbs of pressure is all it takes. But coward coward will be your legacy so you stop tear break down unload show clear its over deep breath 1.2.3 your clear until next time something shakes your unstable mind. END

It seems my unstable mind is always under attack. I have been married for 5 years coming up on 6 I have handsome boys. I came back from deployments to both Iraq and Afghanistan and have recently well last year gotten out of the marines. My life is different I know it. I jump all the time I have nightmares. I don't like being around people. I have been diagnosed with PTSD. All this I can handle it seems but what I cant handle or what gets me ticking every time is my wife. I love her with my heart but I have such great hate for her I don't know why.

When I see her there is nothing wrong but inside me I want nothing to do with her. I play husband but its not working she doesn't understand me or what I am going through. I don't think she really cares. She asks me to tell her but I can't she just don't get it. Then I think I don't know what to tell her, what does she want to know. I wrote this next thing cause this is how I feel this is what I tell my self.

WHAT HAPPENS NOW:

WHAT HAPPENS NOW, IT'S OVER DONE LIFELESS AS YOU LIE THERE HEART SKIPS A BEAT THEN STOPS. ONE LAST BREATH. EYES STAY OPEN SO I CAN SEE THE HURT ON YOU FACE WHEN YOU SEE THE PAIN IN MINE. LIFE IS DONE OVER. CAN'T GET HELP BECAUSE OF MY PRIDE. CAN'T BE THAT BAD I WHISPER TO MY SELF AS THE SLIDE GOES BACK. I HAVE DONE ALL THIS FOR YOU AND YOU SPIT IN MY FACE NOT AGAIN NOT AGAIN I'M DONE WHAT HAPPENS NOW

I don't think I am capable of suicide even though I write about it. When I write about it the action is taking place it feels so good but I cry when I think of my sons and I feel ashamed. I just don't like talking to people about my issues cause I don't feel they understand. War sucks and what it has my mind doing is not fair. Va takes for ever to process anything. I know I need treatment but when I'm in front of people I can hide it all but when its me I am going through it all over again. I don't mind talkin on the net cause I am writing to my self and you all just get to see it. Well sorry I'm rambling. I have so much more more I have written but I'll spare you.

 

[cherryblossom]

If writing helps - keep writing. Don't hold back.

Your wife will never fully understand all that you've been through. But the only way she will have a chance at knowing, is if you tell her.

No-one except someone who walked by your side will ever totally understand what you've been through. No-one will ever have the chance of understanding, unless you tell them.

The only thing you can do is to be real and honest with the people who matter. If you are honest with others, it might surprise just how honest they will be in return. So long as you are prepared for their honesty back, you have nothing to lose. They may have questions for you, or need time to consider what you've told them, but they are only human too.

Talk to your wife - just as you weren't prepared for all that you endured, she is not prepared for it either. You have seen things that are beyond comprehension, but your wife is also seeing you in a way she has no understanding of. Unless you talk to her.

I'm sure that she is just as lost as you, but in different ways. Find a way to talk to her, let her know, that you know that you have things to work on, and that you are trying hard to seek professional help.

If the VA isn't providing what you need, then either keep asking them, or seek help else where.

You have done an amazing thing - fighting for your country. You have a wife and children. They deserve you to be there for them. That's something to live for. You shouldn't have to battle for treatment, but if you have to, just do it. You and your family all have the right to a happy future.

Talk to your wife, and find some professional help. You deserve it.

Take care.

Edited to add - you could always try writing a letter to your wife and then use it as a starting place for more discussion. Or just write the letter to her, but don't show it to her - it might help to clarify your thoughts.

 

[Justpassintime]

I don't have any answers as I am unable to write I end up breaking the pen and destroying whatever I am writing on. I wanted to give you props for your effort. That is awesome.

 

[Hashi]

I find writing very, very therapeutic. I'm all for anyone writing their way through this.

Maybe instead of feeling ashamed, could you feel that you have a way to contain your feelings while you're still honouring them? I think that's one thing that writing does - it lets those feelings be real, and gives them value, and in some paradoxical way writing about them means they are more real and also that we become more powerful over them.

When we suppress things they have the power, when we express things we are taking the power back.

I can't really comment on your relationship - other people would be better at that than me. But I wanted to comment that I like your writing, and I like the fact that you are writing.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[quic]

You have a way with words, well done. Also, Thank you for the sacrifice you made in serving our country. I am sorry you have this to deal with as a result of your service.

Hashi is right, letting it out is the only way to deal with it. Emotions just get stronger when you keep them in.

I love her with my heart but I have such great hate for her I don't know why.

You might spend some time on the idea of love and hate as it relates to your wife. Is it possible she is a trigger for your PTSD?

It is hard in your current condition to think beyond the pain that you feel. But, try to think from your wife's perspective for a little while. What impact is this having on her? What can you do to help her help you? Are you willing to open up to her, be vulnerable with her, ask for her help? If you have hatred for her, she can sense it, and it hurts. She wants to help you work through that pain because it is hurting her too.

If you were single with no children you would have the flexibility to disconnect and avoid the pain you dealing with. But you have a family, so you have a choice to make, every day. You can choose to be a part of your family, choose the kind of father and husband you will be that day. You had no choice when it came to developing PTSD, but you do have a choice about how things go from this point forward. Choose to live, choose to be a father, choose to be a loving husband. It is a day to day, minute to minute choice.

I hope you find the help you need and continue to have the courage to work through this. You have my respect and prayers.

 

[EverOnly358]

@vmshields,

We have very different traumas, but I found it so helpful to write down what I was feeling. Only after doing so, was I able to even start talking to my husband about any of it. Unfortunately, I think he has a lot of trouble understanding what I went through and he really doesn't like to see me upset, so it's been so difficult to get support from him. On the other hand, I'm pretty terrified of doctors and I can't handle making therapy appointments and dealing with health insurance, so I'm happy when he helps me with that. I guess I've come around to letting him help me however he can, even when it's not exactly what I would like, it's still helpful.

I would start small with your wife. Maybe talk about your frustration with the VA and maybe about finding another source of help. Or just explain to her how you feel about talking to her... express that you're having trouble discussing it because you worry she won't understand and she won't care. It's incredibly hard though, I don't want to downplay that. That's where I am, too, I feel like my husband doesn't understand and doesn't care. But I keep trying anyways.

Oh, another thing. View and respond to other posts on the forum. Yes, it's hard... but when you reach out to others and try to help them when they're really struggling, it can give you a whole new respect for how hard it is to help someone with PTSD. I mean... I'm writing this response to you, but I'm terrified of saying something unhelpful or invalidating. And it just, once again, makes me appreciate how hard it is for my husband to say anything right, especially because he doesn't really understand how PTSD affects me.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. If it helps, know you're not alone. Lots of people on the forum go through bleak moments (including me), think about suicide and then reach out and tell other people how they feel. It's incredibly hard and very brave to share these dark thoughts... and a great step away from acting on them. It's bad right now. It will get better.

Hang in there,
D123

 

[WillyKat]

I had the very same feelings about my wife. Mind you, what I went through is not combat related and to a degree my wife probably has a better chance of understanding me because of that. But she would never understand unless I told her. Just a month or so ago, I finally got her to read a couple of chapters from my PTSD book, and then we spoke about it. Somehow, she's beginning to understand...long way to go...but it has started.

And thank you for your service.

Have you checked out the Wounded Warrior Project? They have a program called Project Odyssey (I think that's the name); it's all about PTSD and getting outdoors for a healing exercise. Worth looking into.

 

[bell]

View and respond to other posts on the forum. Yes, it's hard... but when you reach out to others and try to help them when they're really struggling, it can give you a whole new respect for how hard it is to help someone with PTSD

This is spot on! :)

And writing really does soothe the soul (but then again I am biased on this one!) and can help you get in touch with what you're really feeling. Kudos to you for being brave enough for doing it!

 

[ds112496]

vmshields, as I read your post I couldn't help but wonder if those are the thoughts my husband has. He is on his 3rd deployment. Things seemed fine and we talked almost every day in the beginning. What I didn't know was that he was planning to come home on leave and file for divorce. I was completely blindsided. We would have been married 17 years on the 24th of this month. I have had no contact with him since he returned in early September and wonder if I will have contact with him when he gets home.

From the perspective of your wife please try to find a way to talk with her. I am sure it hurts her to see you like this and she wants to support you but doesn't know how. It's hard being on the sidelines. Feeling afraid that you might say something wrong or in the wrong tone. I can put myself in your wife's shoes. I have watched my husband struggle for years not knowing how to handle it and now it is to late. He has walked away from me, his daughter, and the future we had planned together.

Please don't let your situation end like mine is.