Why Do You Do It?

[p-no]

I've been doing it:

a) because I want the abusers out of my cells, out of my system -- as much as is possible.
b) for me.

 

[HelenB]

I have just been looking at your diary and am sorry to read how much of a hard time you have had. You definitely do deserve to have been treated with kindness and respect and deserve so much more and I really hope that as you can feed that in more and more you really can learn that you do have so much worth and are so worthy of love, and learn to place the anger, pain and shame onto all those people who do deserve it, so that you no longer have to take it and can work further into your journey of freedom, as you learn to discover who you are and what an amazing treasure that is, not just for your children, but for you too.

Blessings
Helen

 

[EverOnly358]

Thanks so much, @HelenB, I really appreciate it. THANK YOU! :)

@p-no, That's very much where I want to be, but I don't know exactly how to go from where I am now to where you're at. That's what I'm trying to figure out. And I wanted to say, good for you!!! :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Even though I struggle with self-hatred, I fight for me. I've always fought for me. I've only fought for me.

Last spring I was pushed to the point of knowing that I could give up everyone and everything and I'd still be ok. Yeah, a lot of people say this in theory, but you never really know until you've been pushed to THAT point. After this experience, I realized that I'd be ok as long as I had me....if I base my healing on anything external, I am setting myself up for a downfall.

This sort of thinking was imparted on me while in the hospital, although not in this exact context. The gist is that our healing should come from within as we can never depend on external sources 100%.

 

[EverOnly358]

Exactly @Solara, I know that it's important for me to learn to not look outside of myself for everything I need to feel better. But I struggle so much with even thinking I deserve ANYTHING, that actually helping myself or being nice to myself is so hard. And how do I reconcile this with knowing the best thing I can do is to do it for myself?

if I base my healing on anything external, I am setting myself up for a downfall.

See, I keep doing this, and then when things change, like with my marriage, then I'm so despondent and it's exactly like you said, I set myself up for a downfall. I really want to get on a more even keel and so I can't keep doing this.

I like your attitude, "I fight for me. I've always fought for me." I hope to get there one day, too.

Thanks for your comments,
D123

 

[eav]

I guess my abuse started so young, that I never *really* understood that what was happening to me wasn't normal.

Oh, I know how that is! I didn't even classify the childhood stuff as abuse until therapy a couple of months ago. I just thought everyone lived like that. I wish I'd known earlier, too. I was so turned off by bad therapy three decades ago that I still have a hard time trusting. I just started again in August, and it is really hard a lot of the time.

 

[rightkindofme]

How do I handle the fact that I don't believe any human being can meet my needs? Badly. I don't believe in God either so pretty much I just believe that sometimes my needs will go unmet. And I have to learn how to breathe through that and understand that even though my needs aren't being met I'm not dead yet. I'm meeting enough needs to get by.

Maybe by having low standards for life?

 

[The Albatross]

Quite frankly I do it (management) because I know the resilience of the body and came to the conclusion that I'd rather tough it out for the duration than risk messing things up more by botching an attempt. I play the cards I'm dealt these days and am resolute to keep breathing and managing as best as I can as long as I can.

 

[p-no]

I don't know exactly how to go from where I am now to where you're at

I think it is not about *knowing* but about *doing* and keeping the fire of determination going, by all means, despite all that comes your way.

That's what it's been like for me.

"If you're going through hell, keep going."
-- Winston Churchill

 

[EverOnly358]

I didn't even classify the childhood stuff as abuse until therapy a couple of months ago.

@eav, I so empathize! I went to therapy for 14 years, but it never helped and I was only diagnosed depressed and later bipolar... the thing is, I just didn't think about my childhood, didn't categorize it at all, it just was what it was. And I was so "trained" by my father to always act like everything's fine, everything's good around other people, that it was impossible for me to say anything about it in therapy. It was only finding this forum in August that's helped me. I read a lot and realized, hey, maybe I *did* have a bad childhood and maybe I *do* have PTSD. Then I went to two psychologists and a psychiatrist to get their opinions, and they just assumed I had known I had PTSD for years. I didn't. I made them confirm the diagnosis. So... trust with therapists for me is SO difficult. I have so much trouble with therapy. But I'm determined to feel better, and once I set my mind to something, there's no stopping me, and, well, therapy is required. (Doesn't mean I have to like it! I just have to be real and do the work.)

And I have to learn how to breathe through that and understand that even though my needs aren't being met I'm not dead yet. I'm meeting enough needs to get by. Maybe by having low standards for life?

Seriously, I think this is wise. It made me realize, no one, including myself, is going to be able to meet all my needs. It's just true. Sometimes you just have to live with not getting what you want or what you need immediately. And you recognize that. I think that's really important. And really... this is all new revelations to me... I'm in a really screwed up, codependent marriage and struggling to get free. This is really helpful, I'm glad you shared. I don't think it's low standards, more like radical honesty.

@The Albatross, I really like your statements... because y'know, I'm me, and maybe there's a chance I'm over-thinking this, LOL! :laugh: But really, as long as we all stay determined and keep breathing and keep moving forward, that's enough. Things will get better.

@p-no, again, like Albatross, I think the most important thing to do is to just keep moving forward. I *really* like that quote. My therapist made me put together this goofy, corny book of quotes (Not that I don't like quotes, I do... but why do I have to have some silly little notebook that fits in my bag? Why can't I just have them on my computer? What's with therapists? ;)) and I'll have to add that in.

Anyways... again this is much too long, but hey, I don't really do pithy. Thanks for all your comments, I found them all *very* helpful.