My First Eye Contact With My T

[Reds]

From the title you can already tell I had a great session today. I was able to be open and honest to her about what went down between me and my previous therapist. I was also able to tell her about something she once did that made me feel like she was angry with me. However I was not able to tell her about the teddy bear thing, I think I will email her about this one.

The greatest achievement today is that I was able to make eye contact, it only lasted for less than 10seconds but I now know how her face looks like :) and not just her shoes. I know it is a small thing but I somehow feel great about it. I am hoping to improve on this.

Just thought I should share, if anyone has eye contact story with t, then maybe you can also share it

 

[Rissy215]

I've been able to make slightly more eye contact than I used to but only during certain conversations. If it's too emotionally heavy and I try to make eye contact I get overwhelmed and dissociate.

I'm kind of torn because eye contact is supposed to be better and build trust and safety but I can talk about so much more when I pretend he's not even there. My T also works with children a lot so we'll do things like coloring to help keep me grounded and calmer during sessions and I'm always able to hit harder topics and get more out of my head when he's coloring or something and not just staring at me.

 

[Reds]

You just gave me an idea, maybe I could ask my t to be busy with something while I am talking. I think it would be much easier to talk when she is not staring. I like that

 

[Candleflames]

Congratulations Reds. That is a huge accomplishment. :tup:

Eye contact was so very difficult for me in the beginning. I can do it now some of the time but it took a lot of work. It's nice to not be hiding behind the pillows while talking!

It will slowly get easier to make more eye contact. Give yourself time to let this unfold for you. You are making great progress.

 

[digger]

Well done :) I don't think I get anywhere even close to ten seconds with anyone let alone my T! I might manage a split second here and there with her just to check her reaction to something or at the beginning/end of the session, but that's it for me.

 

[mytai]

That's awesome Reds!

I think since I started seeing my T at the end of July/beginning of August I've made brief eye contact maybe two or three times. When I say brief, I mean less than 10 seconds, probably closer to 2 or 3 seconds.

 

[Promicarus]

For some reason, every therapist I've seem has made a firm point of forcing eye-contact almost immediately, and insisting that I hold it. I've by everyone I've spoken to about the subject that they've never encountered this.

It must be me, therefore, of course. Eye contact is particularly difficult for me. It's not as much a matter of shame or feeling threatened, but due to the fact that my culture of origin is Latin, and in Latin culture, direct, prolonged eye-contact is considered antisocial, and alarmingly abnormal--unless it's with a spouse or loved one. Maybe it's my obvious reluctance--aversion even--which makes them think I'm hiding something...Unfortunately, another characteristic of Latin culture is to "go off", explode in righteous anger, 'putting someone in their place' for transgression against a highly polite, almost painfully courteous standard of interaction. So the result was pretty prohibitive to moving forward at that point.

It's unlikely that many can identify, of course--unless they happen to be Latin, in therapy with an American therapist.

It really comes down to emotional engagement as necessary to the therapeutic process, and the fact that in Latin culture immediate emotional engagement is antisocial...whereas in American interaction, it's considered antisocial to avoid immediate emotional engagement...it's seen as "withholding", and as pyschs say, the "withholding in order to establish authority"..(as when a boss interacts with an employee...the boss feels no need to connect on the same level as the employee, and so is free to remain aloof, due to his status).

So it's a king of oil/water thing. What's considered to be basically social in American interaction, is something I've been raised to experience as antisocial, and vice-versa.

It took a long time to straighten this out, and recognize that these differences mean I'll need to rely on Latino therapists pretty much exclusively. At least I was finally able to make sense of the fiascos which my every early attempt at therapy resulted in.

 

[The Albatross]

In your culture perhaps Promicarus, and in my upbringing... eye contact was seen as a "challenge" or an act of "rebellion" to my abusers. I had to unlearn it in a safe environment.

Reds, congratulations gal... progress, is progress!

 

[EverOnly358]

but due to the fact that my culture of origin is Latin, and in Latin culture, direct, prolonged eye-contact is considered antisocial, and alarmingly abnormal

Wow! I wish Americans would adopt this! I *HATE* eye contact. Eye contact (with anyone) freaks me out every time and reminds me way too much of the abuse I received from my father with his crazy, unblinking stare. In therapy, so far I've managed to look at the floor about 6 feet from my therapist or I doodle in my notebook all during the session, which I think annoys her, but if that's what it takes to keep me sitting on the couch instead of running screaming and crying outta the office, that's what I'm going to do. I've tried to make eye contact a couple times, for maybe 2-3 seconds each time. It's very difficult.

@Reds, it's not a small thing, it's a big thing, so congrats!

 

[WillyKat]

So it's not just me that has a problem with eye contact with people. Not just the therapist; anyone. For cryin' out loud

Now I can make eye contact with people, but it's always brief. And when I'm talking with my therapist, I'm usually looking into the corner, at the phone or electric cable that runs alongside the door frame and around the room.

 

[Promicarus]

what's even worse, for me, is that I'm 6'4"--hard not to attract attention when your head is sticking out over the crowd, naturally drawing attention. Not the best when you have social anxiety disorder, panic disorder, GAD and agoraphobia, to begin with.


And people are interested in tall people, for whatever reason. Maybe just because we're interested in anything unusual, and their attention was attracted, in the first place.


But they seem to, on the average, be more interested in finding out "what makes you tick"...maybe just because they'd like to find out what it would be like to be tall...I don't know. Height is an asset in this culture, associated with status, etc., for whatever strange reason.


So I get lots of attempts at eye contact. I need zero. But look away, instead...well you're hiding something, aren't you, being shady, or you're being "rejecting" and acting superior....or worse, it's seen as a sign of fear, avoidance. So it's damned if you do damned if you don't.



And height seems to be the male version of large chests, in women—and as most such women will tell you...they might get you a lot of attention...but it's not necessarily the kind of attention you want, from the kind of people you want attention from. Women can have reduction surgery. Don't think height reduction surgery is an option, yet


So I get problematically frequent approaches by brash young women, as well—not something I'm looking for at all, either, at the moment. And you know what they say...hell hath no fury like a woman scorned....so that's lots of fun, as well. And to say that tact, reserve, and sexual morals have declined in my generation would be an understatement, to say the least. To a shocking degree. Really.


When are they going to invent height reduction surgery? Soon, I hope. (a tongue-in -cheek report)

 

[Hope4future]

So glad to hear I'm not the only one who struggles with this. I've only made eye contact with my T once in the many years we've worked together and only then for about half a second. I practice looking at him with his eyes closed and that only kind of works. I feel like such a freak. Hearing from all of you makes me feel less alone.